Would you have set this boundary?

[GeekyGirl42]

I’ve recently got with someone who sometimes age regresses. When this happens, they make lots of childish noises and speak with a childish voice and use baby speak. I don’t wish to change this, however, when I’m tired or first thing in the morning (and also before my ADHD meds kick in) this can be overstimulating for me and I end up finding it hard to behave reasonably because I’m feeling really irritated. Otherwise I just ignore the behaviour and carry on interacting with them as an adult (but avoiding anything sexual).

I’ve explained how this, in terms of my limitation being that I can get irritable when this is happening first thing in the morning and when I’m tired in the evening. I’ve asked whether we could find a way to redirect this behaviour without it making them feel rejected.

They’ve expressed disappointment that I couldn’t be more accepting, and we’ve decided to think about it more and talk again at the weekend. Would you say I’ve been unreasonable here? Have you had any experience of this?

Absolutely!

@NettleTea - happens randomly when we are alone together, but never when we are having sex. I rushed downstairs the other day because I thought something was wrong, but no it was just childish delight about something. I’m never happy to play along, I just talk to them as though it’s not happening. They are picking up on me being annoyed and they turn it into “everything I say is wrong”

Really annoys my teenage daughter. That plus my dd not liking the dramatic reactions when they are upset with me, means that dd is now refusing to speak to them and I’ve recently decided not to expose dd to anymore of this.

There's your answer surely

Ridiculous attention seeking behaviour which makes you uncomfortable and annoys and upsets your daughter

End the relationship

Yeah.... this partner needs to go.

They're being an arse. Don't buy into any pseudo-psychological nonsense reasons. Just ditch.

I’m not surprised your teenager is annoyed. It’s ridiculous and there’s no need to indulge it.

The relationship is clearly doomed if you’ve realised that you cannot expose your daughter to this behaviour. Your partner doesn’t even seem to care that you need to protect your daughter from this nonsense and is busy playing the victim and trying to manipulate you.

no one should put up with that. And that’s why the responses are so unanimous.

OP, you need to conceptualise boundaries differently. Boundaries are about you. They are an expression of what is and isn't acceptable in your life - always bearing in mind that what you accept is what you get.

So if the way a person is, is causing you or your family to be uncomfortable, then you have to explain that to them, and also let them know that you have certain expectations of a relationship. They then have the choice to change or not - after all, they may feel that being accepted with all their age regression (whenever it happens) is a non-negotiable for them - and if that is the case, well then you are not a match as partners, and the relationship is done. But at least you all know where you stand.

https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-i-evolved-my-relationships-with-family-and-friends/

So yes, given that this person has been upsetting my children, absolutely I'd be expressing my boundary.

Thank you @ChristmasFluff . For me it’s big progress to have any concept of boundaries - significant childhood trauma. What really unlocked this was realising that the difference between empathy and co-dependency is boundaries. Yes, you are right that I need to adjust how I approach this.

Oh ffs - they just didn’t want to talk and I feel like I’ve been on the receiving end of some passive aggression. Feels dreadful!! Their stuff that they’ve left here has been packed up and I’ll drop it over to them with an explanation as soon as I can.

This x 100,000!

@GeekyGirl42 they are showing you who they are.
You’re not playing by their rules anymore and they are not accepting it.

i wouldn’t waste my time trying to make them understand. They won’t.

Once they’ve got their stuff back, time to step back. Don’t engage anymore. Let them be and concentrate on YOU.

You’re not playing along and acting in the emotional support human role they’ve assigned you. Of course they refuse to talk. They want you to feel like a villain so you’ll just put up with their behaviour.

Hand the stuff back and say ‘I think this has run its course’. Then don’t look back.

@RetiredEarly and @SquidwardBound thank you 💐

I ripped the plaster off and did it.

Sorry to hear that op but I think you’ve done the right thing- for you and dd x

Passive or not, aggression is really hurtful. Please don’t feel guilty or take your partner’s reaction personally.

Have you actually broken off the relationship? I mean is your partner aware? It seems odd they didn’t pack up their few belongings when they left? And you still feel you owe them an explanation?

Im not sure it’s worth getting into too much detail justifying why you want to separate. Perhaps leave their box of stuff outside with a note (?)

Take care, bad relationships are rarely all bad so allow yourself to feel upset, sad or even miss the good things you shared together.
It will get easier although it probably all feels shit right now

@SmileyClare yes, I just followed @SquidwardBound ’s advice. There was some initial protest but they took it well. And thank you, does feel like shit but was the right decision. Feel very relieved already. 💐

Glad you feel relieved, that’s great news. 🙂

Well done @GeekyGirl42 . Did they ever try and get you to join is as Mummy?

I’m not surprised you feel relieved. Now you can concentrate on yourself and really think about what your boundaries are before even considering any future relationships.

Well done.