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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you have set this boundary?

219 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 10/05/2023 23:54

I’ve recently got with someone who sometimes age regresses. When this happens, they make lots of childish noises and speak with a childish voice and use baby speak. I don’t wish to change this, however, when I’m tired or first thing in the morning (and also before my ADHD meds kick in) this can be overstimulating for me and I end up finding it hard to behave reasonably because I’m feeling really irritated. Otherwise I just ignore the behaviour and carry on interacting with them as an adult (but avoiding anything sexual).

I’ve explained how this, in terms of my limitation being that I can get irritable when this is happening first thing in the morning and when I’m tired in the evening. I’ve asked whether we could find a way to redirect this behaviour without it making them feel rejected.

They’ve expressed disappointment that I couldn’t be more accepting, and we’ve decided to think about it more and talk again at the weekend. Would you say I’ve been unreasonable here? Have you had any experience of this?

OP posts:
MrsRickAstley · 11/05/2023 07:39

You can leave a relationship for any reason you want. Any. Of your choosing.

Nellieinthebarn · 11/05/2023 07:41

No I couldn't be doing with this shit. He wants you to accept aspects of his 'identity' you find irritating, but won't accomodate your differences. He's also trying to guilt you into accepting his bizarre behaviour and that's coercive control, this will only get worse. If I were you I would end this, it's not going anywhere good.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 11/05/2023 07:44

So he wants you to be accepting of his regression, but won't be accepting of your ADHD needs!

He sounds incredibly selfish and not accepting if anything except his own wants and needs

Also, I've got the ick just reading this,

GracePalmer33 · 11/05/2023 07:44

I've never heard it or had it happen so I have no idea whether I'd be ok with it or whether it would annoy me or what have you. However, I think that if a partner did something that I honestly could not stand but was something pretty "harmless" like this sounds, that they did without thinking or was just a part of their personality then instead of trying to make it all about me and force them to change I'd either have to accept it and find some way to not find it annoying OR accept it and send them on their way to find someone who doesn't mind it. I don't have a right to change someone..
some people are naturally silly in personality, cutesy and daft etc etc. Who am I to say they can't be who they naturally are. Someone else will probably like it /do it back to them and they'd be perfectly suited 😂

JussathoB · 11/05/2023 07:44

Dear OP, run for the hills.
Extricate yourself asap, it is not likely that you can achieve a meaningful romantic/sexual relationship with this person.

GreyCarpet · 11/05/2023 07:45

I crave times past when most people kept weird shit in their own head.

Tbh, I find it makes it easier to filter out the dickheads 😉

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/05/2023 07:46

Is the person doing this male or female? In either case I would run as fast as I could from someone who did this. Too many problems there for me.

intothegreek · 11/05/2023 07:46

My daughter did this until she was 12, it's only recently stopped and got worse after me and ex split. It drove dd1 mental as she's irritated by noise at the best of times. I was like you, if I was tired it ripped through me. She seems to have grown out of it now, I'd never accept this from a partner, it's not an appropriate coping strategy in an adult relationship.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 11/05/2023 07:47

Goodness me. If this is what modern dating is like (and so far I've met mainly twats and weirdos) then I'm glad I'm happily single. Looks like I'll be staying that way for much longer!

Doingmybest12 · 11/05/2023 07:49

To answer the question, who I have set this boundary. No, because I would've had another boundary of not wanting a partner who functions like this.

Dibbydoos · 11/05/2023 07:51

MMmomDD · 11/05/2023 00:13

My first thought on reading your post is that I am happy I don’t need to deal with your generation’s dating complications - with pronouns, obligatory acceptance of quirks and whims, etc.
So what I’ll say will not be woke.

Dating needs to be pleasurable for all involved. You don’t need to be accepting of things that don’t make you happy.

In fact - women had been accepting things that didn’t work for them for way too long in humanity’s history.

I agree with this.

If it's not pleasurable. If this thing is already irritating you that you've come here for some solace/views, it's a red flag so big you probably won't overcome it unless they want to resolve it.

icelollycraving · 11/05/2023 07:55

I’ve read it as the baby talk is coming from a woman, possibly to another woman. Whatever the dynamic, no, not for me 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️

PaintedEgg · 11/05/2023 07:55

Im sleep deprived so I apologise for being less empathetic than I should be

I am all for accepting individual needs etc. - but If YOU can take meds for your condition, they can cut it down on baby voice

age regression is a symptom to be treated

Remona · 11/05/2023 08:01

I’ve got the ick just reading that. No, no, no.

The first time they did it I would have said that’s really off putting, please don’t do it again. The second time they did it I’d have been out of the door.

SpecialControlGroup · 11/05/2023 08:05

Oh god, I don't have ADHD but that would infuriate me so I would end it. That may sound harsh but I don't want to date a child or anyone that talks/acts like a child

So no, I think you were perfectly reasonable

Remona · 11/05/2023 08:06

If they want to behave in that way then that’s their prerogative. However, you feeling uncomfortable about it is also valid.

Their feelings don’t trump yours.

I couldn’t tolerate that at all. Self soothing? Absolute BS.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 11/05/2023 08:07

I would find this too irritating to endure so yes I would set a firm boundary but actually probably would have not got into a relationship in the first place with someone doing a baby voice. It annoys me enough when children do this! Couldn’t cope with an adult doing it.

PennyAndThatSword · 11/05/2023 08:08

It’s a hard no. Listen to your instinct.

00100001 · 11/05/2023 08:08

Fucking hell... Leave.

PaintedEgg · 11/05/2023 08:09

Reminds me of this old show "my weird obsession" - one episode was about otherwise functioning adults who wore diapers and chewed on pacifiers while at home

there is having quirks and coping mechanisms and then there is whatever that is

Hal9001 · 11/05/2023 08:11

Too much pornography and Ticktock spring to mind.

OP, do not engage with this fool any more.

He will do you no good. His 'identity' seems a method of coercive control, you say it's not sexual. I guarantee it is in some way. Honestly.

ChubbyMorticia · 11/05/2023 08:19

Nope. It’s not involuntary, or it would happen at work, with clients, in public. He’s claiming it’s part of his identity.

The Golden Rule of Kink, as I’ve been told, is CONSENT. And this is a kink, imo. You didn’t consent. That in itself is a massive red flag. It may not be a sexual kink, but he’s absolutely getting something positive from the behaviour. Part of it may be manipulating you into accepting it.

Run like the wind. He’s already shown he doesn’t respect your no by arguing and trying to make you the bad guy for refusing to indulge him inflicting his kink on you. It’s not going to get better with time.

CantFindTheBeat · 11/05/2023 08:20

GeekyGirl42 · 11/05/2023 00:24

@WeWereInParis I’ve not had a straight answer to that. I wonder if it’s both - starts involuntary and then because it feels good they do it more. They claim it’s part of their identity and they are a mental health professional. I assume this doesn’t come out at work!

It may be part of their identity but it sure doesn't have to be part of yours.

Honestly - how can you find this person sexually attractive knowing that at any moment they could launch into toddler speak????

IneedanewTV · 11/05/2023 08:22

Fadedstripes · 11/05/2023 07:23

All this be kind BS means is that women have to put up with more and more extreme behaviour from men.

Dump him and tell him why and if he gets offended tell him you are glad he is offended he can then spend some time giving himself some therapeutic advice. I assume he has told you it’s self soothing.

I crave times past when most people kept weird shit in their own head.

Exactly my thoughts. Women are having to ignore their gut feelings more and more just to be fully inclusive/kind/trendy or whatever.

He is grooming you already - just listen to yourself. He doesn’t do it at work. Does he do it with his male friends? I bet he doesn’t. Move on. Before you know it this will increase and you will be putting up with other stuff that you are really not comfortable with. You don’t need to ignore your gut or Ikk feelings.

SmileyClare · 11/05/2023 08:23

They’re doing it first thing in the morning and late at night? So you wake up next to a load of gaga goo goo noises?

Tell the baby you’re disappointed theyre not more accepting of your ADHD sensory issues. Or do their needs trump yours?

Hes pushing your boundary hard. Will you be accommodating if he wants tucking in at night in a nappy? 👶

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