Would you have set this boundary?

[GeekyGirl42]

I’ve recently got with someone who sometimes age regresses. When this happens, they make lots of childish noises and speak with a childish voice and use baby speak. I don’t wish to change this, however, when I’m tired or first thing in the morning (and also before my ADHD meds kick in) this can be overstimulating for me and I end up finding it hard to behave reasonably because I’m feeling really irritated. Otherwise I just ignore the behaviour and carry on interacting with them as an adult (but avoiding anything sexual).

I’ve explained how this, in terms of my limitation being that I can get irritable when this is happening first thing in the morning and when I’m tired in the evening. I’ve asked whether we could find a way to redirect this behaviour without it making them feel rejected.

They’ve expressed disappointment that I couldn’t be more accepting, and we’ve decided to think about it more and talk again at the weekend. Would you say I’ve been unreasonable here? Have you had any experience of this?

Who cares what sex or gender this ‘age regressing’ adult is?

The problem is the same regardless.

No they’re not.

The person's sex or gender is immaterial. The issue is that he wants the OP to join in with his kink and the OP doesn't want to.

This is the only comment you’re engaging with?

I thought you wanted to discuss the issue of boundaries when dating a partner who frequently “age regresses”?

They all say it's not sexual but it usually kind of is- well it's a kink.

As it doesn't do it for you, you're not the most compatible of couples. Unless they stop doing it in front of you, I suppose.

It is interesting that this is the only comment the OP wants to engage with in the last several hours.

@SmileyClare i’d very much like to keep the topic to the age regression and how I can set boundaries.

Which is why I’ve not said very much. Some very valid points have been made about the boundary and the age regression, and I’m extremely grateful for the advice given, which has helped me to see that I’m being emotionally manipulated by my partner (perhaps not intentionally on their part but that doesn’t change the effect it has on me). There’s no update to give because nothing has happened.

Given the nature of what’s been happening, I am feeling quite overwhelmed and I really don’t want to engage in a debate about sex and gender. I do understand that this is an important issue for some of the people who have replied. Is there somewhere else these points could be made?

Well if you’d only give me a minute!! I’ve been at work all day 😂.

The one comment I made earlier was thanking someone to point out that this behaviour has nothing to do with gender or biological sex.

That’s helpful, because so much advice out there about abusive behaviour assumes your partner is a man. My partner is biologically female.

Thank you for what you shared from the “Why does he do that?” book - that’s been very useful in getting me to see that this is emotional manipulation on their part.

The only add on I would say, would be that if its a gender thats female, and sex is male, AND the addition of age regression, which seems to only happen around OP, then yes, I agree that there is a HEFTY dose of manipulation going on. And that OP may find that its not sexual YET.

OP, basically you're uncomfortable with this and it gives you the ick. They're probably unwilling to stop doing it. They might say they are but will likely return to it. Whether it's kink or not doesn't matter. You don't like it and they say it's their identity.

Leave before you're 10 years deep and discover them wearing nappies when you're not home.

and I only say this because there is an equally hefty amount of evidence from others experience, that the emotional manipulation is a sadly well worn path, along with the erosion of any boundaries that are set.
you feel uncomfortable for a reason
The reason is because it is crossing your boundaries.
Thats a healthy reason and your body's warning system

Glad the replies were helpful op, and you’ve gained some clarity?

I wasn’t expecting some sort of action update, just interested in your views!

You don’t have to engage in a sex/gender debate. That was essentially a tangent which some posters found interesting. I’m not sure why you found that triggering.
It can’t be “cancelled” from your thread so just ignore if you wish?

Hopefully you can engage in a convo about the issues you initially raised…when you feel less overwhelmed. x

I agree.

Added together it’s all very predictable.

you are right that it makes no difference about sex or gender. It’s not healthy relationship behaviour either way.

You deserve a better partner than this. It’s not a well established relationship. Just walk away and find someone who is not hard work. There are loads of great women out there.

I’ve got ADHD too and it does make you more vulnerable to this crap. More prone to believing it must be you that’s the problem.

But this is not you being irritable and unmedicated. Literally anyone would be irritated by this.

@SquidwardBound thank you! And this is one of the reasons I now know this. Comments like “My ex didn’t mind” (I gumpily mumbled that they should go back there then) and “If you really loved me then…” made me feel dreadful about how I’d raised this, and (perhaps subconsciously) that’s exactly how they wanted me to feel.

'If you really loved me' is one of the most manipulative sentences out there. It's a nasty little mechanism that puts guilt and blame on you for not accepting something that affects your boundaries and happiness.

Your boundary relates to your disability. Their action is pushing itself upon YOU. So how dare they say 'if you really loved me'.

Ever thought about If they really loved you they would listen and stop? But they won't...

I don’t put up my 7 year old doing this. I certainly couldn’t be doing with it from a partner.

Oh, lovely, that really isnt on. And as a previous poster said, if they felt the same, why would they risk triggering you, especially as you have an actual real life diagnosis.

I think you need to disentangle yourself from this. It seems the perfect excuse to back away - if they 'cant help it' then theres nothing to do, because you 'cant help' your ADHD and how this is affecting your own mental health

There may be people out there who are quite happy to accommodate this (Im betting there are fewer that your partner is making out tbh) but basically you are incompatable, so thats that. Plus youve got the ick now, and there is no coming back from that, Im afraid

There is alot of pressure on young women to accommodate, to be kind, to prove they are 'the cool girl', and to squash their own feelings for the sake of others. But its seriously unhealthy, mentally, and often physically, to do so.

Your partner should have your back. They should add to your life, make it better than being on your own, otherwise why bother.

throw this fish back, there are many many more people out there who are perfectly normal decent humans, who wont use emotional manipulation to make you do things you dont like

"Your boundary relates to your disability."

The OP's disability is irrelevant-I kind of wish she hadn't mentioned it. He boundaries are her boundaries. Consent is all.

“My ex didn’t mind”

= 'where are they now? '

“If you really loved me then…”

OMG, imagine someone saying that IRL. So transparently maniipulative.

Thank you so much everyone for the support!!! I need to almost write this down and put it somewhere

I am not responsible how they feel when I set a boundary. They can choose whether or not to accept it. Yes, they have a million valid reasons for why they behave this way. The difference between empathy and co-dependency is boundaries!!

I cannot be in a relationship where I wake up to this kind of noise from an adult. That’s not up for discussion or negotiation.

Who said ADHD was a disability? Surely you meant super power? 😉

And yes, I’m not sure my feelings about this have much to do with my ADHD. I think a lot of neurotypicals would also find it very irritating to have unwanted input of any kind before coffee. I think it’s an amped up version of that. I really do need stimulants (also a big fan of coffee for this reason) to be reasonable without having to put a huge amount of effort into not being a 🍆to people. In this instance, I’m putting a huge amount of energy into not bursting into a fit of rage when they do sound effects for turning over in bed!

Doing too much of that “masking” makes me exhausted to the point where I have to nap after work.

I think my first instinct would be to laugh at how silly they sound. Then I'd be cynical about it managing to not appear at work, so clearly there is total control of when. So if you've asked not at certain times, and this gets ignored, well they are not being tolerant of your needs when you've already gone above and beyond with understanding theirs.
How long is it kept up for? I would think it would get more irritating the longer it goes on.

It’s quite frequent, about 10 mins or so each time. If someone was to laugh at them for this, they would be incredibly upset.

Involuntary age regression is a symptom of severe MH disorders - and this person won’t be a practicing MH professional with those disorders.
So - it a voluntary, soothing activity they choose to engage in.

Based on the above - you are saying that this person is CHOOSING to OVERSTIMULATE you because of something they wish to engage in. That they are refusing to reign this in at times that it would cause you problems / overstimulate you and expect you to accept it as 'who they are'? Sounds incredibly selfish-infact I'd say abusive - to me and not something I would want in a relationship.