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Original poster

Could you forgive or move on with your husband after this?

244 replies

Noodleskaboodles · 10/05/2023 22:22

So I'll try to make this as short as I can...

Background, we've never had the best relationship, we have struggled with sex more than anything else (I would like to be having sex at least once a week whereas he would want sex once every 3 months if that -we meet somewhere in the middle with once a month, maybe once a fortnight) so I guess that's why this cuts a lot deeper...

My phone broke today so i pulled one of our old ones out of the drawer to use while i get mine fixed. It turned about to be husbands old phone. I charged it and switched it on, and in the messages there were tonnes of unsaved numbers (dating back to 2019 the month after I had our daughter to nov 2021) where his half of the conversation had been deleted but the received messages were all there and were all similar to the attached screenshot. I questioned him this evening about them and he said that a couple of years ago he "made a mistake" and was messaging prostitutes. he says he never actually followed through with meeting any of them.

I asked when did he last send one of these and he said a year or more ago. I asked to see his current phone to prove this, he handed it over and when I went into the 'deleted conversations' tab there were at least 10+ of unknown numbers with message threads. I clicked to recover them and he snatched the phone back saying "that's not fair though". I was like fair????? WTAF!!! He refused to let me look saying I should trust his word but I told him he can hand it over and let me read the messages or we're over! He refused and we argued on and off for an hour or so about it. During the 'breaks' he was on his phone fiddling about with something. After all the arguing he finally said "fine, read what you like!" And handed over the phone, all of the message threads I had seen had been permanently deleted. He refuses to admit that he has removed them, and has stated throughout that it was just messages and no physical contact at any point

AIBU? Should I be taking his word that he didnt actually have sex with anyone else? I'm pretty sure i already know the answer, but it kills me to throw away a 10 year marriage over this, and to disrupt life for my 3 year old

Could you forgive or move on with your husband after this?
OP posts:
Switchingup · 10/05/2023 22:26

No I could not get beyond this

It's a betrayal that he was even considering sleeping with a sex worker other than supporting your needs in the relationship

This isn't the man I would want to be married to and I am sorry your going through this

Tresfren · 10/05/2023 22:26

I'm so sorry you are going through this but the idea that it was just messages and nothing ever happened is very far-fetched.

TwoBigNoisyBoys · 10/05/2023 22:27

But you’re not throwing it away, are you? He has. I couldn’t put up with this, and I would end the relationship.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Dotcheck · 10/05/2023 22:28

Well, you have an excellent reason to throw away a shit relationship

Shoxfordian · 10/05/2023 22:29

Are these texts to the same woman? Regardless of course you should leave him; set your daughter an example of how not to let anyone treat her when she’s older

Dotcheck · 10/05/2023 22:30

Let me rephrase… you have an excellent reason to free yourself from a shit relationship

upthemum · 10/05/2023 22:30

Honestly I read the word prostitute on paragraph 3 and didn't need to read the rest. That would be my hard line. The second the word prostitute came into my marriage in any sense then I would be done. I don't care if he googled, text or shagged one, I'm already gone.

Itstimetoquit · 10/05/2023 22:31

Why would you even consider staying with him? Get rid hes awful x

BHRK · 10/05/2023 22:32

No, I couldn’t get past this. Prostitutes? Messaging while you was looking after his child? no. Throw him out. You deserve better

SarahSmith2023 · 10/05/2023 22:34

I'm sorry, but there's no way he wasn't meeting them.

save yourself & your daughter from a life of misery, find a way to make him leave. I mean it would be dreadful if you posted that on SM...

he needs his parents/friends spare room/couch/floor immediately.

upthemum · 10/05/2023 22:35

Also, rephrase your thinking. You aren't throwing away a 10 year marriage disrupting a 3 year old - he did that.

You are setting a good example to your child on knowing your worth and having respect for yourself and in the long run they'll be grateful for that.

Susieb2023 · 10/05/2023 22:35

You can’t forgive it move on from something when you’re still being lied to and deceived.

And with sex workers? Sorry but there is absolutely no way I could come back from that.

He’s a dirty nasty creep.

Puppyseahorse · 10/05/2023 22:35

People on MN can be very quick to say LTB. But in this case, I agree. He’s a liar, you don’t trust him, he doesn’t respect women, or you. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

LaPerduta · 10/05/2023 22:35

Every fucking man caught messaging prostitutes claims not to have met any of them. It's bollocks.

Dacadactyl · 10/05/2023 22:39

Unacceptable.

I couldn't move past this. I don't say that lightly either. He wouldn't be the man I thought he was and I'd lose all respect for him.

The sort of man who uses prostitutes is the lowest of the low and the absolute dregs of society. Its just vile to use another person like that.

Original poster
Noodleskaboodles · 10/05/2023 22:40

I dont think I can consider staying after this, I think I was just trying to get some validation that I'm making the right decision.

I'm completely and utterly heartbroken, those messages started when my daughter was just 1 month old 😭😭 I dont know how any man could even consider doing that to their wife and mother to their new little baby.

The messages are from several different women, all giving postcodes and arranging appointment times. The message I have screenshot was the worst one, because to me it looks like he went back several times to her, surely after a few times of him not showing up shes have blocked his number for being a time waster???

I just did not see my life like this. We were planning to have another child too, thank the lord we never actually got round to trying 😭😭😭

OP posts:
caringcarer · 10/05/2023 22:40

So whilst denying you hardly any sex he was messaging prostitutes and possibly meeting up with them. No, that would be over for me. He is disgusting. I'd never be able to have sex with him again so no point in staying married. I'd be so bloody angry with him. His behaviour has wrecked your and your dd life. I would not even be able to look at him or speak to him i'd be so angry. I'd tell him to fuck off to his prostitute's. Get a test for STD. Better to lose a 10 year marriage based on lies than waste more years with him. I divorced my exh of 21 years PDQ when I found out he had cheated on me. I bagged up his stuff into black sacks and got the locks changed by pretending I'd lost my keys. I got my BiL to come to my house when I texted exh to come and get his stuff from the garden. He thought he could deny the affair but my best friend saw him when she was out for her wedding anniversary meal at a very expensive restaurant he only took me to on my birthday or wedding anniversary. When she saw him all over OW she was so upset she went home missing her anniversary meal. She was almost crying when she told me. BiL told him not to contact me again and wait to hear from my solicitor. You need to get your ducks in a row. You need your marriage certificate, bank account statements and to speak to a solicitor.

FffrostySnowman · 10/05/2023 22:40

No. Could never be with a man who used prostitutes. The fact that he did it while married to you, while being uninterested in sex with you, and then deleted evidence when you found him out are the icing and cherry on the cake of shitty disgustingness.
Sorry, OP, what a horrible thing for you to find out.

Itchyfleet · 10/05/2023 22:41

Those messages are not ones where he is getting off on sexy messages (although that would be more than enough for me to leave). They are arrangements. You would be mad to believe he hasn’t had actual
contact.

And happening whilst you were pregnant/home with a new baby. That’s despicable. That’s how he values you and your DD. No wonder he doesn’t want much sec at home. No doubt he has to work too hard at it. Easier to pay someone to do whatever he wants on his terms.

OP this is not your fault. You haven’t broken up the marriage. He has. And your DD will be a million times better off with a mum who has self respect and knows who she is going home to.

Hate to be a MN cliche but you need an STD test asap also.

Seas164 · 10/05/2023 22:42

You aren't throwing anything away. This is nothing to do with you.

It says right there on the screenshot, Oh yes I remember...

This isn't just texting. He's then deleted the rest of the evidence from his phone and is perfectly happy to now let you feel like you're being unreasonable, if not losing your damn mind.

I'm so sorry, this is utterly unforgivably shit, but absolutely not your fault.

He isn't who you thought he was.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 10/05/2023 22:43

Would you want your daughter to be a prostitute?

If not, why not?

Ask your DH if he thinks prostitution is a good career for his DD; if not, why not?

The women he's been paying to have sex with (& we all know he did actually go through with it) are all somebody's daughter, just like yours.

He purchased their bodies to put his dick into, when he shied away from having sex with you, his wife.

Yep. 100% your marriage is over.

Original poster
Noodleskaboodles · 10/05/2023 22:45

Thank you for all of your messages, as upsetting as it is to read these, its comforting to know that I'm actually thinking clearly about ending it.

I've already told him he needs to leave, he is sleeping on the sofa tonight but I've told him I want him out of here tomorrow. Thankfully he goes to work at 6.30 (before I get up) so I wont have to deal with him in the morning.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 10/05/2023 22:51

@Noodleskaboodles I'm so sorry. These girls set up in our local premier Inn. The clients park up visit the room have sex depart and the next one arrives. Friends who worked there watched it happen regularly. This is what you husband has been doing.

Do get a health check. And get shot of him. If his family are local get some bin bags throw his clothes in and drop them off there.

Tell them why.

Spiderboy · 10/05/2023 22:58

He definitely slept with them. There is no way the same worker would message like that if he cancelled every single arrangement he had made. They would have blocked him. They clearly met up and he sounds like a regular. And no I couldn’t get over any of it.

billy1966 · 10/05/2023 23:00

You poor woman.

Get yourself checked.

Tell his family and friends.

What a disgusting excuse he is.

Reach out for support for yourself and tell the truth.

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