Could you forgive or move on with your husband after this?

[Noodleskaboodles]

So I'll try to make this as short as I can...

Background, we've never had the best relationship, we have struggled with sex more than anything else (I would like to be having sex at least once a week whereas he would want sex once every 3 months if that -we meet somewhere in the middle with once a month, maybe once a fortnight) so I guess that's why this cuts a lot deeper...

My phone broke today so i pulled one of our old ones out of the drawer to use while i get mine fixed. It turned about to be husbands old phone. I charged it and switched it on, and in the messages there were tonnes of unsaved numbers (dating back to 2019 the month after I had our daughter to nov 2021) where his half of the conversation had been deleted but the received messages were all there and were all similar to the attached screenshot. I questioned him this evening about them and he said that a couple of years ago he "made a mistake" and was messaging prostitutes. he says he never actually followed through with meeting any of them.

I asked when did he last send one of these and he said a year or more ago. I asked to see his current phone to prove this, he handed it over and when I went into the 'deleted conversations' tab there were at least 10+ of unknown numbers with message threads. I clicked to recover them and he snatched the phone back saying "that's not fair though". I was like fair????? WTAF!!! He refused to let me look saying I should trust his word but I told him he can hand it over and let me read the messages or we're over! He refused and we argued on and off for an hour or so about it. During the 'breaks' he was on his phone fiddling about with something. After all the arguing he finally said "fine, read what you like!" And handed over the phone, all of the message threads I had seen had been permanently deleted. He refuses to admit that he has removed them, and has stated throughout that it was just messages and no physical contact at any point

AIBU? Should I be taking his word that he didnt actually have sex with anyone else? I'm pretty sure i already know the answer, but it kills me to throw away a 10 year marriage over this, and to disrupt life for my 3 year old

Great updates, but I agree with other posters SLOW DOWN. Have you known this new man for years or something, or is he completely new. It's only been a month since your update about how you didn't miss your ex. You just missed the company. To me, this sounds like you are rebounding.
I mean you haven't even had the 2nd lot of std checks yet you mentioned in another update.
Ultimately you will do what you want, but the way I see it you have managed to get out of this old relationship pretty quickly, got him to give you the house etc. Now concentrate on building a new life with your child and give it a bit longer than a month to let a man back in. Good luck

My first thought was you need to take it slow. You have been through a very traumatic experience, you are in a very vulnerable position right now. I think it's very early to be allowing someone get so close to you. Unfortunately people who are out for themselves will often be able to identify vulnerable people and use that to their advantage. My best advice would be to enjoy the time you are spending with your DC, and take a bit of time to get back on an even keel. If he's worth it , he will understand

Very happy for you, OP, but like others say, be careful, go slowly.

Oh well done OP I'm so glad your home is a happy place now!

Hope your husband is getting all the things he deserves. Sickening to think that he didn't have a low sex drive, just (presumably) a sexual preference for people who didn't really want to have sex with him but would do so for money i.e. a power trip.

Re: the new guy, hopefully that's a brilliant thing. I'd just say be careful because I've seen so many people on here and in life lose a 90% scumbag and settle for a 50% scumbag because he seems like an angel in comparison! Obviously I hope that's not the case but you need to make sure your standards are remaining as high as possible and you're not overlooking flaws/overhyping the new guy because your ex was such a yucky character in the end x

This ^

Ewwww. I'm so sorry he is rank. Please get an STI test.

Don't take it personally re him doing this when your DD one month old, mine picked a fight and left me when DS was -1 month old! Something about not being the star of the show triggers men like this. Your heart will be broken now but you will be so happy to be free of him in the future x

You don't need to tell them the sordid details yet if you're not ready to, just that he has betrayed you and you've had to ask him to Leave, so you get support x

It's not strange at all. With a wife there are emotions etc involved and pressure to seduce and care about her orgasm etc . With a prostitute it is just physical pleasure and also maybe a power trip, these women are paid to falsely pretend they adore him too

Just quoting for @Unexpectedlysinglemum as she appears to find reading the OP's posts a wee bit of a challenge

How did you meet you new guy?! Tell us more!

@KR2023 thank you!

I felt the same about a man for the first couple of months of the relationship (after leaving a long-term dysfunctional relationship). That continued for months while I saw behaviour that should have had me dumping him asap, but I was too invested. I had such difficulty letting go of the dream that the first couple of months had lodged in my head.

By a year and a bit, I wanted out .... in fact he was an abuser. The longer it's been since the relationship, the worse I realise he was. It took a long time even after ending it to see the woods for the trees.

It takes time to get to know someone properly - a good year or two.

So I know a lot of you are worried that I'm rushing and I totally understand!!! I felt ready to just date and see what was out there

I had been wanting to leave my husband for a couple of years because I felt he wasn't trying with us - I mentioned divorce and separation several yimes over those years but kept things going for my daughter - I now obviously know why he wasnt trying! But I also realise that it's been a long time since I felt actual love for him)

New guy is a real sort of old fashioned gentleman, he hasnt let me pay for a single thing on a date yet despite my offering every time, holds the door open, carries the bags, makes the coffees, etc (I know these are small things but it's totally new to me and has been lovely 😍). He is a fantastic cook and has had me over for a romantic meal last week. He's very open and honest, not secretive about anything at all. He tells me I'm beautiful a lot which is nice too! He's had a previously abusive relationship (so have I before ex husband) so we have already been able to comfortably discuss boundaries,etc openly. He's a really lovely guy, we have a lot in common amd we talk all the time. I'm honestly happier than I've been in years and my friends and family have noticed that too. He's also very easy on the eye! I'm punching well above my weight with him but I'm going with it 🤣🤣

I also need to mention that I am in therapy for PTSD from my past relationship so my therapist is keeping tabs on the new relationship too and we've discussed spotting red flags etc.

I am shocked myself at the position that I'm in, because I didn't believe that I could recover so quickly from what happened, but I'm honestly grateful for it because I no longer have to live a lie and slap on a smile to keep up appearances! The smile I'm wearing now is a real one!

A great update OP and an inspiration to others thinking about taking the leap x

Great news, OP. Congratulations!

New guy is a real sort of old fashioned gentleman, he hasnt let me pay for a single thing on a date yet despite my offering every time, holds the door open, carries the bags, makes the coffees, etc

i dont know why but something about this makes me uncomfortable. cant put my finger on it.

I have to agree with. @SaccharineDream @Noodleskaboodles, I know it feels great after your past experiences, but, it does set alarm bells ringing.

Just be aware OP that just because men in your life have treated you like shit, a man that treats you like a diamond is often no better.

A man that treats you like a fellow and equal human being is what you want.

Great you are moving on but as others have said better to be treated as an equal … you are after all a strong independent woman! Hope all works out for you. I guess take it slow and see how it goes.

Agreed...