Could you forgive or move on with your husband after this?

[Noodleskaboodles]

So I'll try to make this as short as I can...

Background, we've never had the best relationship, we have struggled with sex more than anything else (I would like to be having sex at least once a week whereas he would want sex once every 3 months if that -we meet somewhere in the middle with once a month, maybe once a fortnight) so I guess that's why this cuts a lot deeper...

My phone broke today so i pulled one of our old ones out of the drawer to use while i get mine fixed. It turned about to be husbands old phone. I charged it and switched it on, and in the messages there were tonnes of unsaved numbers (dating back to 2019 the month after I had our daughter to nov 2021) where his half of the conversation had been deleted but the received messages were all there and were all similar to the attached screenshot. I questioned him this evening about them and he said that a couple of years ago he "made a mistake" and was messaging prostitutes. he says he never actually followed through with meeting any of them.

I asked when did he last send one of these and he said a year or more ago. I asked to see his current phone to prove this, he handed it over and when I went into the 'deleted conversations' tab there were at least 10+ of unknown numbers with message threads. I clicked to recover them and he snatched the phone back saying "that's not fair though". I was like fair????? WTAF!!! He refused to let me look saying I should trust his word but I told him he can hand it over and let me read the messages or we're over! He refused and we argued on and off for an hour or so about it. During the 'breaks' he was on his phone fiddling about with something. After all the arguing he finally said "fine, read what you like!" And handed over the phone, all of the message threads I had seen had been permanently deleted. He refuses to admit that he has removed them, and has stated throughout that it was just messages and no physical contact at any point

AIBU? Should I be taking his word that he didnt actually have sex with anyone else? I'm pretty sure i already know the answer, but it kills me to throw away a 10 year marriage over this, and to disrupt life for my 3 year old

Please get another STD check in 12 weeks even if this one comes up clear, certain diseases won't show up straight away so just to be extra safe.

I'm so sorry he's done this, what an absolute creep. I could never even look at him again, never mind share a life with him.

Hang in there OP, you'll get through this.

Yes definitely tell your family and friends. You will need their support and if you try to hide it but just say you want a divorce they might think badly of you so let them know what he did. If my dh did anything like that I'd be telling my in-laws too. He must have realised he was putting you at risk of sex infection so not wanting sex with you. Can you get him to leave the house? He doesn't deserve to stay living in house with you and DD.

I found during my separation that seeking refuge in my work was a helpful distraction and gave me routine when all I wanted to do was shut out the world. Focus on you, you daughter and your job...you will come out the other side of this x

Well done for making the right decision OP.
You’ll be well rid of this one.
lots of luck and love for the future x

Poor you. He’s an absolute knob.

I rarely jump to saying LTB, but him engaging a prostitute whilst not having sex with you is entirely unforgivable.

i read that last message like he was a previous customer. The deleting of the messages of his current phone tells you he's still doing it.

Hold strong and make him leave, you'll hear all the excuses and the promise of change.

If your relationship isn't great it not worth trying to save.

Wshing you all the best.

There is definitely no coming back from this OP. Hope you got some sleep. He will leave this morning. Change the locks. Put his clothes and belongings in bags. Book him an Airbnb for a week to get him started. His is not a nice human being and getting him away from you and your space should be your first priority.

Sorry this happened if it’s any consolation it is more common than anyone could imagine and I have worked with all three parties in your situation (in healthcare) and the worst type of human being is the type like your husband.

You will be ok. It seems insurmountable now, but you will expel this absolute dickhead - who doesn't even have the backbone or respect to admit what he's done - from your life. And believe me, before long you'll feel so much better for it.

You saw it all. It's absurd for him to insult your intelligence trying to gaslight you into believing it didn't happen. Utterly pathetic.

Kick him out. Move on and start your new life. Your future self will thank you for holding your head up high, keeping your dignity and refusing to engage with him about anything now other than practicalities regarding the separation and contact with your child. You are right you deserve so much better. You have nothing to be ashamed of: tell everyone the truth when they ask. This is his shame, NOT yours.

You'll feel so much happier when you get home tomorrow and he's not there. Lay down ground rules: he can contact you only about seeing your daughter or collecting his stuff. Ignore any other communication.

I hope you're ok today. It's ok to take the day off and get your head together. It's one hell of a shock. But you've done exactly the right thing so be proud of yourself. This is all on him.

@Noodleskaboodles he is a waste of space.

Bad man.

You are worth more.

He is no good.

Be safe. Be good and kind to yourself.

Honestly

No I could not get past it, particularly the final phone stunt as though I'm thick.

I often think LTB is used too liberally on here, but in this case, definitely LTB. It’s grim as fuck and he’s so obviously lying that it’s embarrassing!
You should feel no shame in this, none at all. The shame is his. I would tell everyone, friends, family and then grey rock the rancid shit. It is not your job to protect him now, you need to protect yourself and your dd. I’m so sorry he’s done this op, what a Twat. But, he has not ruined your life. Horrific as it is now, you will rise again and thrive. Fuck him, he’s not worth your tears xxxxx

Oh God no, he is absolutely disgusting! I could never come back from this OP and neither should you. You and your daughter deserve better. Men like him are an absolute disgrace.

He was defo a client going by that message alone.

I have known of men who have become addicted to using prostitutes and it never stops no matter what they have to lose.

I would never trust him again.

I would never be able to forgive that I was being left neglected, instead of giving me sex, he was paying to give it someone else. Totally worth more.

I’d take the day off work, get the locks changed and pack his stuff.

I’m so sorry OP, that’s just disgusting. He can’t even manage some time with no sex whilst you recover from giving birth to his child. It would be 100% over and no coming for me after this, and I’m a pretty forgiving person. Fact he deleted those messages when arguing shows he’s likely still doing it. Agree with getting another STI test 12wks from the first. Hopefully they’d insist on using condoms but who knows what else he’s been up to. Be prepared for the begging and promises it’s all over. Arrange to have some friends over and lean on them and family

Messaging and meeting sex workers when you were pregnant and just after you had a baby.
Continuing to do this and then getting defensive when you pulled him up on this by asking to see his current phone.
He decided to do this and it's his fault that you have decided to kick him out.
I agree with the other posters here that their is no turning back from this.

I would gather all your financial details together including pension details and go to a solicitor about a divorce. I would also get an sti check and another one in 3 months time.

I know you're shocked, upset ect but remember that you deserve better than this. I would let your close friends and family know what's happened as you need some support now.
Also I think once you tell them what's happened they won't be to impressed and perhaps they can tell his family and friends about his behaviour.

He is disgusting and you deserve so much better.

Stay strong

It will get better in time op it might feel it now but does

I don’t think you’ve got any choice really. The behaviour is so off the scale bad no normal woman could tolerate it. He has ended it not you

So you only have his word that he didn't meet them? I wouldn't believe that for a second. Why else has he deleted his responses? Surely they would have proved he'd cancelled.

I have the same question as a pp - are you certain they were even female sex workers? Maybe his preferences lie elsewhere.

Can you check bank transactions around those dates on the phone to see if he withdrew cash or made payments to business names he wouldn't normally?

I'd be off. Yuck.

You can't forgive someone who isn't remotely sorry for what they've done and are continuing to do, nor even admit to doing! Sadly that would be The End for me. I am sorry this has happened to you OP, and even more so for your child.

Are you sure he will leave? What’s your housing situation?

He really is disgusting and is definitely lying about not actually meeting these women.