Could you forgive or move on with your husband after this?

[Noodleskaboodles]

So I'll try to make this as short as I can...

Background, we've never had the best relationship, we have struggled with sex more than anything else (I would like to be having sex at least once a week whereas he would want sex once every 3 months if that -we meet somewhere in the middle with once a month, maybe once a fortnight) so I guess that's why this cuts a lot deeper...

My phone broke today so i pulled one of our old ones out of the drawer to use while i get mine fixed. It turned about to be husbands old phone. I charged it and switched it on, and in the messages there were tonnes of unsaved numbers (dating back to 2019 the month after I had our daughter to nov 2021) where his half of the conversation had been deleted but the received messages were all there and were all similar to the attached screenshot. I questioned him this evening about them and he said that a couple of years ago he "made a mistake" and was messaging prostitutes. he says he never actually followed through with meeting any of them.

I asked when did he last send one of these and he said a year or more ago. I asked to see his current phone to prove this, he handed it over and when I went into the 'deleted conversations' tab there were at least 10+ of unknown numbers with message threads. I clicked to recover them and he snatched the phone back saying "that's not fair though". I was like fair????? WTAF!!! He refused to let me look saying I should trust his word but I told him he can hand it over and let me read the messages or we're over! He refused and we argued on and off for an hour or so about it. During the 'breaks' he was on his phone fiddling about with something. After all the arguing he finally said "fine, read what you like!" And handed over the phone, all of the message threads I had seen had been permanently deleted. He refuses to admit that he has removed them, and has stated throughout that it was just messages and no physical contact at any point

AIBU? Should I be taking his word that he didnt actually have sex with anyone else? I'm pretty sure i already know the answer, but it kills me to throw away a 10 year marriage over this, and to disrupt life for my 3 year old

The cheating (and with vulnerable women) is horrendous - but so is the lying about it / removing evidence in front of your eyes and being brazen enough to think you'll fall for that and not see he's literally just deleted all evidence. What a hideous man.

It will feel like your world's falling apart - but I can assure you this doesn't last long. Find your anger and channel that to power you through the tricky bits.

And remember, this is HIS shame, not yours. Don't keep his dirty secrets. He's the one who screwed this up, not you! I have a feeling you will move on faster from this than you fear right now. You've got this x

Just a word of caution. It would be very satisfying to throw all his stuff out and change the locks, but he may not actually leave and you can't legally do this.

If he is named on the mortgage/deeds he has a legal right to enter the property. He may choose to stay at the house and sleep on the sofa.

What's your housing setup? do you have somewhere to go if he decides he won't leave?

Be prepared for him to get nasty once the initial shock has worn off. It's not as simple as just throwing him out if he has nowhere to go.

Get all your information together so you have it safe and book an appointment with a solicitor.

Wow. What a nasty piece of work he is!
I'm sorry but you don't spend years just "messaging" prostitutes. Do you have any way of checking his banking?
So sorry you are going through this, you must be devastated.
No wonder he didn't want sex much - he was getting it elsewhere!
Get your ducks in a row and get rid of him, it won't be easy but he absolutely has betrayer you, for several years, in such a massive way.

HE is the one who has ended the relationship, OP, not you. He didn't even have the (scrap of) decency to tell you the truth after he was caught. You deserve so much better.

Goodness I’ve put up with some shit in my time, but this is hideous. He was clearly a regular because if someone cancels/no shows, they’d just block them. I do think there are men who get off on texting to see what services etc, but the messages don’t reflect that.
I wouldn’t tell all and sundry personally but I would tell his parents and yours. You’ll need support in getting him out. He may not leave quietly and you can’t change the locks if he’s on rental agreement or mortgage.
He will probably think he will talk his way out of it, please don’t let him.
I imagine the adrenaline will still be flowing but do prepare for a bit of a slump. Sometimes people stay with shit partners because it’s too daunting to not. You will never trust him again, please stick to your guns. If he talks you round (plenty of us have been for all kinds of reasons) do feel you can still come back for support.
Very best of luck to you,

Forgive him?

Is he even sorry? Did he apologise and ask what he could do to restore your trust?

Get him out of your life (and your childs)

Remember OP by putting you at risk, he has risked your childs future.

This is all on HIM.

Tell your family and friends and take every bit of support going, you deserve it.

He has chosen to be a disgusting excuse of a man that would risk the health of his family.

You will get through this and be so glad you haven't to find out in 10 years time.

Hope today is as ok as it can be op. Have been through very similar and know how it feels to have your world shattered. Things to remember - it’s not your dirty secret, it’s his -so share what’s happened with whoever you need support from. It will get better and while there will be tough times ahead you know now and it won’t ever feel quite as bad as the heart stopping moment of realisation. There are far far better things ahead for you. It is like a bereavement and be kind to yourself in the way you would if someone had died - this means not always being able to cope, taking time off work when you can and drawing on your support network.

Jesus, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's good that you have told him to leave and aren't considering staying. I can see zero benefit to you in trying to work through this - he doesn't even seem remorseful or apologetic and actually just tried gaslight you when you found the messages and then he deleted them to try make you believe you didn't see what you saw! What a POS. I honestly believe men who go to prostitutes have something innately wrong with them and don't see women as human beings.

So sorry you're dealing with this OP, and well done for dumping his cheating, lying , deceitful ass.

You know you had no choice, and I know it hurts like hell to have to do it, but let's be honest, the moment you let messaging prostitutes become part of your circle of acceptable behaviour then your relationship is a total sham.

Hold onto that, because your coward of a husband is not going to admit he had sex with them (even though its obvious to everyone that he totally did), and he is going to try to down play what he did as "only" messaging. But messaging prostitutes is never acceptable in a marriage, that alone is more than enough to end it. He's disgusting.

This. This is very good advice, and sadly true. Once he realises you're not staying with him, be prepared to see his second side, you've seen a glimpse already in those messages....................

No fucking way.

I'd drag him out the house.

Would I stay in a relationship with a man who has sex with prostitutes behind my back? No.

You aren't the one throwing away a 10 year marriage, your husband has already done that by having sex with prostitutes.

Stay strong and don't let him gaslight you. They always minimise and they NEVER change especially when they have such a lengthy history of this shit. Leaving will be hard but it will get better for you, if you stay you have a lifetime of unrest, checking his phone, his pockets, being lied to etc it's really not worth it. Save yourself further years of heartache and get out of it now. 💐

The fact that he is still lying? Still telling you that you should trust him whilst he's deleting messages? Playing those kind of mind games about this not being fair etc?No. No way. Not that the prostitutes (which I firmly believe he actually met. Why would a prostitute send him available time, "remember" their last time etc. if she wasn't getting paid? And these aren't phone sex/chat bot kind of messages) were not enough. But the mind games? Not owning up to anything? That makes it even worse.You need legal advice. Make sure you have the original (or copies) of all financial documents, birth certificates etc. Store them in a safe place your NDH can't access. Outside the house would be better. (Could you rent a low security deposit box?)

You need legal advice. Make sure you have the original (or copies) of all financial documents, birth certificates etc.

Store them in a safe place your NDH can't access.
Outside the house would be better. (Could you rent a low security deposit box?)

I am really sorry that you are going through this, but pleased you are kicking him out.

I THINK I could have forgiven my husband using prostitutes in the past when our sex drives were mismatched, but only because it was the other way round (he was the one with the much higher sex drive).

In your situation? No, I would find it unforgivable.

He’s disgusting

he won’t have sex with you but he’s happy to fuck prostitutes wtaf

find some self respect and bin him x

And get an STD test, fuck knows where he’s been

Are you sure they are female sex workers as it seems strange he doesn't want regular sex with you but would pay for sex.

Paying to rape a woman / lots of different women who have to do whatever you want isn't remotely comparable to consensual sex with your partner.

I wouldn't be able to get past this, I suspect that he did meet them otherwise why delete the messages, even if he hasn't met up with them it would be over for me.

I hate to make things worse (probably impossible) but are you sure these are women? The lack of sex with you while doing this makes me wonder.

I would make an appointment with an STD clinic or the practice nurse if you can't get a GP appointment. Some STDs can be devastating. Chlamidia can damage your fertility, syphilis can kill long term if left untreated and then there is AIDS. I don't think I'd rely on a self-administered kit.

Paying to rape a woman / lots of different women who have to do whatever you want isn't remotely comparable to consensual sex with your partner.