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Original poster

Could you forgive or move on with your husband after this?

244 replies

Noodleskaboodles · 10/05/2023 22:22

So I'll try to make this as short as I can...

Background, we've never had the best relationship, we have struggled with sex more than anything else (I would like to be having sex at least once a week whereas he would want sex once every 3 months if that -we meet somewhere in the middle with once a month, maybe once a fortnight) so I guess that's why this cuts a lot deeper...

My phone broke today so i pulled one of our old ones out of the drawer to use while i get mine fixed. It turned about to be husbands old phone. I charged it and switched it on, and in the messages there were tonnes of unsaved numbers (dating back to 2019 the month after I had our daughter to nov 2021) where his half of the conversation had been deleted but the received messages were all there and were all similar to the attached screenshot. I questioned him this evening about them and he said that a couple of years ago he "made a mistake" and was messaging prostitutes. he says he never actually followed through with meeting any of them.

I asked when did he last send one of these and he said a year or more ago. I asked to see his current phone to prove this, he handed it over and when I went into the 'deleted conversations' tab there were at least 10+ of unknown numbers with message threads. I clicked to recover them and he snatched the phone back saying "that's not fair though". I was like fair????? WTAF!!! He refused to let me look saying I should trust his word but I told him he can hand it over and let me read the messages or we're over! He refused and we argued on and off for an hour or so about it. During the 'breaks' he was on his phone fiddling about with something. After all the arguing he finally said "fine, read what you like!" And handed over the phone, all of the message threads I had seen had been permanently deleted. He refuses to admit that he has removed them, and has stated throughout that it was just messages and no physical contact at any point

AIBU? Should I be taking his word that he didnt actually have sex with anyone else? I'm pretty sure i already know the answer, but it kills me to throw away a 10 year marriage over this, and to disrupt life for my 3 year old

Could you forgive or move on with your husband after this?
OP posts:
Deadringer · 11/05/2023 09:05

If denial doesn't worked for him, you need to be prepared for the next stage op, he will have some sort of breakdown and claim to have an addiction. There will be lots of tears and promises he has no intention of keeping, because this is who he is. Stay strong for you and your dd, you both deserve so much better that this piece of shit. Try to get some real life support from your your family and friends.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 11/05/2023 09:08

I'm sorry, OP.

ExpatInSlavikLand · 11/05/2023 09:11

This is awful, OP. So sorry. You and your daughter deserve better than this slime ball.

NortieTortie · 11/05/2023 09:12

I'm so sorry, OP. He's a POS.

IWantRebeccasConfidence · 11/05/2023 09:19

AsphaltGirl · 11/05/2023 09:04

Paying to rape a woman / lots of different women who have to do whatever you want isn't remotely comparable to consensual sex with your partner.

Show quote history

I think the original poster meant is he having sex with male prostitues, not that the women weren’t human.

OP, no one would reply to a message 5x that someone didn’t show up for. He has 100% moved forward with this and has sex with them

Emotionalsupportviper · 11/05/2023 09:23

Noodleskaboodles · 10/05/2023 22:22

So I'll try to make this as short as I can...

Background, we've never had the best relationship, we have struggled with sex more than anything else (I would like to be having sex at least once a week whereas he would want sex once every 3 months if that -we meet somewhere in the middle with once a month, maybe once a fortnight) so I guess that's why this cuts a lot deeper...

My phone broke today so i pulled one of our old ones out of the drawer to use while i get mine fixed. It turned about to be husbands old phone. I charged it and switched it on, and in the messages there were tonnes of unsaved numbers (dating back to 2019 the month after I had our daughter to nov 2021) where his half of the conversation had been deleted but the received messages were all there and were all similar to the attached screenshot. I questioned him this evening about them and he said that a couple of years ago he "made a mistake" and was messaging prostitutes. he says he never actually followed through with meeting any of them.

I asked when did he last send one of these and he said a year or more ago. I asked to see his current phone to prove this, he handed it over and when I went into the 'deleted conversations' tab there were at least 10+ of unknown numbers with message threads. I clicked to recover them and he snatched the phone back saying "that's not fair though". I was like fair????? WTAF!!! He refused to let me look saying I should trust his word but I told him he can hand it over and let me read the messages or we're over! He refused and we argued on and off for an hour or so about it. During the 'breaks' he was on his phone fiddling about with something. After all the arguing he finally said "fine, read what you like!" And handed over the phone, all of the message threads I had seen had been permanently deleted. He refuses to admit that he has removed them, and has stated throughout that it was just messages and no physical contact at any point

AIBU? Should I be taking his word that he didnt actually have sex with anyone else? I'm pretty sure i already know the answer, but it kills me to throw away a 10 year marriage over this, and to disrupt life for my 3 year old

I could never get beyond this.

The lies and deceit alone, over such a long period of time would be past redemption, even without the fact that he has been withholding the deep, loving intimacy of a physical relationship, but at the same time has been sh*gging prostitutes.

(I wouldn't believe that it hadn't gone further than texting - especially if he deleted a lot of the messages.)

I couldn't forgive the betrayal, or the fact that he could have passed on a sexually communicable disease - one that could have affected your DD in utero.

And I would never be able to trust him again.

Please get out of this relationship before you are irreparably psychologically harmed and while you still have a chance of a new life with someone who loves and appreciates you. This will damage your DD, too. She may not know what is happening between you, but will pick up on the strained (at the very best) relationship.

Fedupwithitx · 11/05/2023 09:29

Those messages look like they definitely met up. Why would they be discussing times if not? I'm so very sorry your going through this but you deserve so much better. I think you know deep down that he hasn't just been messaging without follow through. Tbh messaging alone is grounds for leaving. Wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do, but please remember you are worth more and you can have so much more if you take the step to leave❤️

Undertherock · 11/05/2023 09:35

Handing you his phone after he’s obviously deleted the evidence is the icing on the cake - how gullible does he think you are? I know it’s a small thing in the greater scheme of prostitutes and lies but it speaks of such deep disrespect.

I could possibly get past one big mistake - I’ve made some poor choices in my life and regretted them - but this is a long running pattern of contempt.

I’m so very sorry that he has turned out to be so much less than the life partner you deserve.

Riverlee · 11/05/2023 09:41

A mistake is a one night drunken shag. Three years of messages and meet-ups, no. That’s a third of your marriage, and that’s excluding the recent messages. A leopard never changes his spots…

Naunet · 11/05/2023 09:46

I’m so sorry OP, what a filthy, scummy man. If you have any moments of weakness, go look at UKPunting and see just how revolting men who use prostitutes are. A lot of them are flat out rapists. They post about how the woman wasn’t enjoying it/out of her head on drugs/crying etc but they still go ahead and rape her. They are absolute scum, can only feel good about themselves by abusing vulnerable women - fucked up, inadequate, pornsick, rapey creatures.

Hellno45 · 11/05/2023 09:55

I'd be done. You can't trust him. He's a liar and a cheat. He's shagging prostitute and then risking your health and having sex with you. He's ruined your relationship. You haven't ruined anything you are reacting, appropriately, to his behaviour.

Tartantop · 11/05/2023 09:56

I’m sorry you’re going through this @Noodleskaboodles. I am 99% certain he had sex with her. There is no way she would continue replying to his messages if he had stood her up like the first message suggests

SaulSobieski · 11/05/2023 09:59

surely after a few times of him not showing up shes have blocked his number for being a time waster???

Yes.

I don't believe he never met any of them.

SaulSobieski · 11/05/2023 10:01

They always seem to say they never met them/followed through .... Because their partners can't prove they met them, (unless
they find a UK punting account and identify them leaving reviews on there).

But plenty of men are not going to join review sites and leave reviews anyway.

SaulSobieski · 11/05/2023 10:03

Riverlee · 11/05/2023 09:41

A mistake is a one night drunken shag. Three years of messages and meet-ups, no. That’s a third of your marriage, and that’s excluding the recent messages. A leopard never changes his spots…

And this

SaulSobieski · 11/05/2023 10:04

Can you identify amounts of cash being taken out of his accounts on the dates?

They seem to usually pay in cash.

Though some women on here had cheating partners use digital means of paying.

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/05/2023 10:06

No

Change2banon · 11/05/2023 10:06

AsphaltGirl · 11/05/2023 08:52

Are you sure they are female sex workers as it seems strange he doesn't want regular sex with you but would pay for sex.

Paying to rape a woman / lots of different women who have to do whatever you want isn't remotely comparable to consensual sex with your partner.

Show quote history

Are you for real @AsphaltGirl ??? While his actions are despicable, he has NOT raped a woman! Give over with your stupid, grossly misleading, incorrect comments!

SaulSobieski · 11/05/2023 10:08

I honestly believe men who go to prostitutes have something innately wrong with them and don't see women as human beings.

I agree; there is a mindset to a punter that I don't believe ever really changes.

They see women as fulfilling functions and feel they are entitled to (one sided) polygamy.

SaulSobieski · 11/05/2023 10:09

Change2banon · 11/05/2023 10:06

Are you for real @AsphaltGirl ??? While his actions are despicable, he has NOT raped a woman! Give over with your stupid, grossly misleading, incorrect comments!

Show quote history

Paid consent with vulnerable, usually immigrant women - often run by gangs - is not true consent.

Therefore he has: educate yourself.

SaulSobieski · 11/05/2023 10:11

Are you sure they are female sex workers as it seems strange he doesn't want regular sex with you but would pay for sex.

You are also almost laughably naive about men who use prostitutes.

"If they are able to get it at home, why would they use prostitutes?".
Plenty of men having willing attractive partners at home and still use (female) prostitutes. Plenty of men also cheat with non prostitutes in the sane circumstances..... You seem very naive & ignorant about men.

SaulSobieski · 11/05/2023 10:13

They don't want to fuck the same woman all the time.
They don't want to fuck only one woman.
They have different attitudes towards their partner and mother of their kids .... And other women, esp sex workers.
They feel entitled to variety and think monogamy is a front/joke - but they gave to pretend to follow it to gave a respectablepartver & family, a conventional life.

Why does this need explained.

SaulSobieski · 11/05/2023 10:14

*but they have to pretend to follow it to have a respectable partner & family, a conventional life.

Change2banon · 11/05/2023 10:15

SaulSobieski · 11/05/2023 10:09

Paid consent with vulnerable, usually immigrant women - often run by gangs - is not true consent.

Therefore he has: educate yourself.

Show quote history

So you know the OP and her dh irl? You know where her dh goes and who he meets? Thought not .. not all prostitutes are victims - educate yourself.

As I said before, his actions are despicable, but don’t go accusing rape when you know nothing of the sort.

AsphaltGirl · 11/05/2023 10:16

Change2banon · 11/05/2023 10:06

Are you for real @AsphaltGirl ??? While his actions are despicable, he has NOT raped a woman! Give over with your stupid, grossly misleading, incorrect comments!

Show quote history

I'm sorry that you are so ignorant about the realities of prostitution that you feel the need to insult women who point them out.