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Original poster

Could you forgive or move on with your husband after this?

244 replies

Noodleskaboodles · 10/05/2023 22:22

So I'll try to make this as short as I can...

Background, we've never had the best relationship, we have struggled with sex more than anything else (I would like to be having sex at least once a week whereas he would want sex once every 3 months if that -we meet somewhere in the middle with once a month, maybe once a fortnight) so I guess that's why this cuts a lot deeper...

My phone broke today so i pulled one of our old ones out of the drawer to use while i get mine fixed. It turned about to be husbands old phone. I charged it and switched it on, and in the messages there were tonnes of unsaved numbers (dating back to 2019 the month after I had our daughter to nov 2021) where his half of the conversation had been deleted but the received messages were all there and were all similar to the attached screenshot. I questioned him this evening about them and he said that a couple of years ago he "made a mistake" and was messaging prostitutes. he says he never actually followed through with meeting any of them.

I asked when did he last send one of these and he said a year or more ago. I asked to see his current phone to prove this, he handed it over and when I went into the 'deleted conversations' tab there were at least 10+ of unknown numbers with message threads. I clicked to recover them and he snatched the phone back saying "that's not fair though". I was like fair????? WTAF!!! He refused to let me look saying I should trust his word but I told him he can hand it over and let me read the messages or we're over! He refused and we argued on and off for an hour or so about it. During the 'breaks' he was on his phone fiddling about with something. After all the arguing he finally said "fine, read what you like!" And handed over the phone, all of the message threads I had seen had been permanently deleted. He refuses to admit that he has removed them, and has stated throughout that it was just messages and no physical contact at any point

AIBU? Should I be taking his word that he didnt actually have sex with anyone else? I'm pretty sure i already know the answer, but it kills me to throw away a 10 year marriage over this, and to disrupt life for my 3 year old

Could you forgive or move on with your husband after this?
OP posts:
Opentooffers · 10/05/2023 23:01

So 2 years you found out about, then he claims nothing in the past year or 2, but oh wait, he's been doing it recently too.
Just randomly texting without meeting for 3or4 years? Really? Total BS, they would all be avoiding him by now as a timewaster, not answering with times.
He's put your health at risk too - just yuck!
You shouldn't even try to get past this, he's too far gone, years of lying and risk.

Mischance · 10/05/2023 23:02

Not only has he cheated on you but he has openly and blatantly tried to remove the evidence in front of your very eyes! I hope you do not plan to believe him.

It sounds as though he has a problem with mature sexual relationships. I cannot see him making you happy.

Gh12345 · 10/05/2023 23:05

Not only is this cheating… it’s incredibly dirty. I’d have to walk away as the thought would make me sick

Houseupdate · 10/05/2023 23:09

He paid vulnerable women for sex and is still lying about it. No, I couldn’t get over this.

randomusername2020 · 10/05/2023 23:13

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

cocomel · 10/05/2023 23:23

OP, I am so sorry.

If it's any consolation, if only to know you aren't alone. I found my STBXH had registered on an escort website when our twins were just a few weeks old.

His reaction was almost identical to your DH and he became incredibly defensive and hid a lot of evidence.

Whilst I never could establish that he had met up with any escorts (i strongly suspect he did even if it wasn't through that site) I did later discover he had been cheating on me with non-sex workers, using dating apps and the like.

This was all last year, but I do remember how gut wrenching it all feels, during what should have been the happiest time in our lives. Our divorce will be finalised in a few weeks and I already feel happier without him.

Stay strong, if not for you, for your daughter xx

Thermals · 10/05/2023 23:23

No he'd have to go. I think you will be happier without him.

Dibbydoos · 10/05/2023 23:34

I'm so sorry OP. You're married to someone who cares more about being with others (and allegedly paying them) than fulfilling yiu and your marriage.

Good luck when you leave him x

Jellifulfruit · 10/05/2023 23:39

Ahh this is awful :( I’m so sorry

Irisheyesareshining · 10/05/2023 23:47

Don’t in any way blame or compare yourself . This is all his own doing and he has got his sexual gratification out of this disgusting situation. He probably didn’t want to have sex with you as he knew what he was doing was so awful .
Moving forward he’s now a sad , pathetic excuse of a man whose only relationships are that of paid time . He’s the loser and you will be grateful he’s gone !! Good luck to you !!! Unfortunately you are not alone with this problem 😢

Hotfootgoose · 10/05/2023 23:48

Good luck OP. Sending u hugs

ejbaxa · 10/05/2023 23:52

I would go to an STI clinic as the highest priority.

He's filthy. And I'd get rid.

Malarandras · 10/05/2023 23:52

I am so sorry to read this. Others have said all that needs to be said. Best of luck to you and your little one OP.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 10/05/2023 23:58

A friend of mine did escorting for a bit and commented how depressing it was to see how many of them had wedding rings on :(

There's no way back from this whatsoever. The marriage is over. Grieve, pick up the pieces and look after yourself and any DC.

Fantina · 10/05/2023 23:59

I was you but with a newborn but weaker evidence of what he had done. I believed his excuses and we went on to have another baby. 13 years later we split up and I would give almost anything to go back to that watershed moment and make a different decision. I remember the gut wrenching pain like being punched in the stomach and so badly wanting it not to be true. But that feeling never completely went away and I never trusted him again anyway. Don’t make the mistake I did, leave and rebuild your life.

scoopoftheday · 11/05/2023 00:07

He has spent family money on aex workers.

He has spent time getting his cock sucked or whatever when you were at home with a newborn.

He's been sending messages booking sex with someone and denying you any physical attention.

Just make him leave. I know it won't be easy. I've been supporting a family member through the exact same. She's nearly 2 years down the road, he's still paying vulnerable girls to sick his dick.. he's not her problem anymore at least.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/05/2023 00:23

Background, we've never had the best relationship

I could have stopped reading right there.

You know you need to get rid of this utter piece of scum, right now. I also recommend therapy to unpick why your standards are so, so low. Don't even consider another relationship until you work on your self-esteem.

Hotfootgoose · 11/05/2023 00:25

I’d be asking him outright. If he refused to
answer I’d be packing his bags.

StrawberriesSW1 · 11/05/2023 00:33

Noodleskaboodles · 10/05/2023 22:40

I dont think I can consider staying after this, I think I was just trying to get some validation that I'm making the right decision.

I'm completely and utterly heartbroken, those messages started when my daughter was just 1 month old 😭😭 I dont know how any man could even consider doing that to their wife and mother to their new little baby.

The messages are from several different women, all giving postcodes and arranging appointment times. The message I have screenshot was the worst one, because to me it looks like he went back several times to her, surely after a few times of him not showing up shes have blocked his number for being a time waster???

I just did not see my life like this. We were planning to have another child too, thank the lord we never actually got round to trying 😭😭😭

It looks to me he was trying to organise a meeting but didn't follow through.
It's horrible nonetheless.
I wonder if this was his way on trying to get his moho back. Stupid and dangerous idea.
Did he ever get his hormones tested? He might have terribly low testosterone and LH. He needs to see a private endocrinologist. Preferably one that specialises in men's health. The NHS is hard work trying to get the right prescription cos what worked is deemed off label.
Also counselling ofcourse.
He needs to do the above before attempting any other relationship.
All the best.

squidgybits · 11/05/2023 00:35

billy1966 · 10/05/2023 23:00

You poor woman.

Get yourself checked.

Tell his family and friends.

What a disgusting excuse he is.

Reach out for support for yourself and tell the truth.

I wish to echo this X

LadyLolaRuben · 11/05/2023 00:36

Ah I'm sorry to read this OP. I wouldn't be able to trust him again. I would be telling him to leave, getting a STI check and then divorce. Its unforgivable.

Original poster
Noodleskaboodles · 11/05/2023 00:53

Thank you for all the messages of support. You all honestly have no idea how much I needed them right now.

I hadnt even thought about getting an STI check done so thank you to those who suggested it! I have ordered a test kit through the post so will get that done as soon as it arrives.

You're all so right, it's such a disgusting thing to do to your family. I am dreading telling my family because I just know that they are going to be heartbroken for me. But I deserve SO SO SOOO much better than this.

Havent slept a wink yet and have a busy day tomorrow with work and getting my daughter to and from nursery, at least that pathetic, moaning, deceitful waste of fresh air wont be there when I get home!

OP posts:
OnlyJoking1 · 11/05/2023 00:57

He doesn’t deserve you, you can’t ever trust him.
Your daughter will grow up knowing that she shouldn’t stay in a crap relationship.

Unicorn2022 · 11/05/2023 00:58

Thank goodness you have decided to throw him out, but if you needed further evidence you could check your bank statements around the time of those messages to see if he withdrew any money.

Are you sure they are female sex workers as it seems strange he doesn't want regular sex with you but would pay for sex.

Sorry this is happening to you but hopefully in the long run you will discover that he has done you a favour in ending this relationship and giving you the opportunity to find someone who makes you really happy and meets your needs.

Fantina · 11/05/2023 01:17

OP, confide in your family and friends about what has happened. I didn’t as stupidly I was so ashamed but the shame is all theirs. You will need support to get through this and you will get through this

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