Could you forgive or move on with your husband after this?

[Noodleskaboodles]

So I'll try to make this as short as I can...

Background, we've never had the best relationship, we have struggled with sex more than anything else (I would like to be having sex at least once a week whereas he would want sex once every 3 months if that -we meet somewhere in the middle with once a month, maybe once a fortnight) so I guess that's why this cuts a lot deeper...

My phone broke today so i pulled one of our old ones out of the drawer to use while i get mine fixed. It turned about to be husbands old phone. I charged it and switched it on, and in the messages there were tonnes of unsaved numbers (dating back to 2019 the month after I had our daughter to nov 2021) where his half of the conversation had been deleted but the received messages were all there and were all similar to the attached screenshot. I questioned him this evening about them and he said that a couple of years ago he "made a mistake" and was messaging prostitutes. he says he never actually followed through with meeting any of them.

I asked when did he last send one of these and he said a year or more ago. I asked to see his current phone to prove this, he handed it over and when I went into the 'deleted conversations' tab there were at least 10+ of unknown numbers with message threads. I clicked to recover them and he snatched the phone back saying "that's not fair though". I was like fair????? WTAF!!! He refused to let me look saying I should trust his word but I told him he can hand it over and let me read the messages or we're over! He refused and we argued on and off for an hour or so about it. During the 'breaks' he was on his phone fiddling about with something. After all the arguing he finally said "fine, read what you like!" And handed over the phone, all of the message threads I had seen had been permanently deleted. He refuses to admit that he has removed them, and has stated throughout that it was just messages and no physical contact at any point

AIBU? Should I be taking his word that he didnt actually have sex with anyone else? I'm pretty sure i already know the answer, but it kills me to throw away a 10 year marriage over this, and to disrupt life for my 3 year old

Only read the original post - but your marriage is absolutely over. Or at least, it should be. He messaged prostitutes and that alone says a lot about him. Does follow through even matter? For me it' would be over at the messaging, even if he had been honest about it, which he wasn't. You can never trust him again.

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to give you all an update on things...

So he left for work this morning and left his key here, he is staying with friends and viewing apartments on Monday.

He knows that it's over and has agreed to be amicable for our daughters sake.

I've told my family and friends and they are supporting me through this, thank God I have both them and my beautiful daughter, she is such a ray of sunshine and I know I have to do this for both of us to be happy! I went to work and explained to my manager about the situation and I'm so glad that I did, work was a welcome distraction for me but also gave me some headspace to think about what's going to happen moving forward

The whole situation is utterly shit, but in so glad that I've finally found out that he isnt the man I thought he was, and I couldnt ever love or trust him after this.

Im obviously devastated and am working now towards putting the pieces of my new life together

I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone who commented to offer support during such a hard time, I've read each and ever one of your comments and feel much better about the whole thing so again, thank you from the bottom of my heart to all for taking the time to comment words of encouragement

I've been through much worse than this so I know that I'm strong enough to do it ❤

@Noodleskaboodles

Such a fabulous post , you are a queen amongst women .
Glad you have good family around you.

Wow OP, you sound so determined to move forward and on from this terrible situation, its inspiring. I wish I'd been more like this when I ended my relationship. I was the poster who suggested taking refuge in your work as I did. Its great to see thats working for you. Lean on your friends and family and good call telling your manager. Best of luck....you will end up better off in the long run x

Wishing you all the best. Keep posting for support if required. 💐

@Noodleskaboodles an amazing update! You and your daughter deserve so much better than this man. Your strength is inspiring! Xx

@Noodleskaboodles you are handling this so well, you know we are here if you need us

And THAT is how you do it!

You are a bloody legend woman, your daughter is a lucky girl ♥️

You are an inspiring woman op, best of luck

Absolutely this.

You WILL thrive and you WILL be so grateful for your bravery.

Well done for telling people the truth.

I hope your tests come back clear.

@Noodleskaboodles well done lovely- I wish you well- idiots doing this expect we will keep it quiet - personally I would go for maximum embarrassment- maybe it might make guys think twice before turning into sleazebags - if I caught my H at this I might keep it quiet - but only to gain maximum financial advantage- as I'm not in a great position

I just want to update for anyone still following...

So he's finally admitted that he did in fact have sex with several sex workers throughout our relationship and marriage. I needed the closure and finally got it.

He doesn't have anywhere to live yet so his parents are VERY reluctantly letting him sleep on the sofa

Turns out that this "problem" has been happening since he was a teenager, running up hundreds of pounds on the phone bill by using sex lines, and he and his ex girlfriend also split up in the same way that he and I have.

I am 100% done with his BS. I havent stopped crying over it but i could never go back to that scumbag.

He is signing over his half of the house and I'm keeping the car that we shared, which is only fucking fair seeing as he shagged away god knows how much of OUR money.

Oh, and I got the STI tests - all clear for now but booked in again in 3 months for a repeat of all the tests.

Thankyou for all of your support, I have a fantastic support network around me and I know that some day the pain will ease, but for now I'm crying it out and keeping my gorgeous daughter entertained and happy because she's the main thing keeping me going through this shit show! ❤️❤️❤️

Fantastic news! a new life awaits! 🌻

Well done you!!!
you’re an inspiration and I wish you all the very best, you deserve it 💕

@Noodleskaboodles what a disgusting man. Well done you for being strong and making it clear it’s over. He clearly needs to get help, and stop lying and deceiving the people he gets into relationships with. Glad you have support around you. Wishing you the best x

As good an update as possible.

His poor parents must be appalled at this and so upset for you and their grandchild.

You will get over this and far better to find out now and not 10 years from now.

Having been in your same situation myself, let me tell you that you have definitely done the right thing. No wife can ever move on after such disgusting rotten behaviour of a 'husband'. You will get through this OP and become a much stronger person for it. I speak from experience. Wishing you all the best x

Onwards and upwards for you now, OP.

I know you’re hurting and you will be grieving for some time but fwiw you have such a wonderful future ahead for you and your daughter. Huge hugs!

I'm so sorry, OP, but good for you on getting out. Wishing you the best of luck.

Im overwhelmingly proud of a stranger after reading this! You should be so proud of yourself. I can't believe people actually do this behind their partners backs...I don't have the time or energy for life as it is...nevermind having secrets and lies to remember! How do they do it!? I hope you live a really happy life & he regrets it for the whole of his.

I just thought I would offer an update for anyone who may still be following!

So my daughter and I are better than ever, we have such a happy home now, filled with love and laughter ❤️

Me and the ex are on speaking terms for our daughter, I got to about 2/3 weeks after the breakup and realised that I don't miss HIM, I missed having company, but I didn't and still don't miss a thing about him! He has my daughter one night a week, I have said he can see her any time and we agreed on him having her one evening in the week for tea, but that doesn't actually happen unless I do the leg work. But that's 100% his loss because she is an incredible little human 🥰🥰

I am happier than I ever thought possible, and have actually started seeing someone amazing 🥰 he's everything I wanted in a man, but due to low self esteem have never felt I deserved it! But he is gorgeous, sweet, loving, and makes me feel like a goddess every time I'm with him!

Thankyou to everyone for the advice you've given on here, you all helped get me through a very dark time! I couldn't see the light at first but now things are looking brighter than ever! 🥰🥰

Kind of good update but SLOW DOWN WOMAN.

It's great that you left your foul husband, but, and I don't want to be a Debbie-Downer here, you talk about your low self-esteem and have magically happened upon a man who is The Best, a month or so after you've left your terrible husband.

May I suggest that he's probably not the thing for you right now. I just feel that it might be a time in your life to concentrate upon you, to work out those feelings of low esteem, and why they existed, just to maybe take some time for yourself and your daughter without any blokes.

Just my thoughts.

It's very quick isn't it?

I was going to post something similar; great that you’re happy and he’s your ex now but don’t rush into anything new.

I’m so glad you’re in a better place but your little girl is adjusting to the loss of her family unit. A new man seems way too fast after just over a month. Please don’t rush into this.