He is highly sensitive, and what was cute, is starting to annoy me... can this work?

[Fullofdoubtsme]

I've been dating for about 1 year after my previous 20 years relationship broke down. That previous relationship was toxic and I was constantly walking on eggshells not to trigger his emotional abuse.
Now this new man is different in many ways, we are very much in love, he is super caring, attentive, we have similar interests, is patient... he is generally calm but he is extremely sensitive, gets easily anxious and worried. We can both see how this links with lack of self confidence and other fears, and he has done a lot of a self awareness and improvement work, so he acknowledges whats going on, but it still means he is almost always tired, overwhelmed, anxious over everyday things... like work or possible promotion or time with his kids, or having to buy something or before a trip. I worry that this can become a different type of toxic dynamic, even if not what he intends. If I have to walk on eggshells now not to say what I'm thinking and upset him, as it'll make him more anxious and distant, is this relationship right for me? All I want is to feel free and spontaneous. And have someone I can have a conversation without overthinking... I'm being careful to say things, trying to be empathetic and I know he doesn't have to think like me, I'm much more objective and bulldoze over my feelings as been on surviving mode for so long, so I'm not saying I have work to do too. But I worry he'll stop saying what he feels as wont want to listen to what I have to say or worry it'll annoy me, and I'll stop resonding for fear of hurting him and holding back, which will make us distant. He is shy and can go quiet and in his head, whereas I want to talk things through...
I just dont want another emotionally draining relationship, but I can also see us being able to be very happy together as we do sync in many other areas and even if we feel differently, we often agree on things. It's just he cant help being emotionally triggered.

The post and feedback did not feel pointless to me, which I suppose was the point :) I learned about new personality traits, got great book and programme recommendations and feel I can trust myself to have an open conversation and speak my mind without tiptoeing around him.

If he's that bad, he won't like the new me, and I'll drop him knowing I did my best. If not, then maybe we can be happy for however long.

I have learned a lot already from all your valuable insights and am much more aware of things.
Life and people aren't black and white. Maybe I am a bit stupid for believing in the good side of people but it makes me feel better than walking around mistrusting everyone. If I lose, well, as long as now I know the risks and making conscious choices whichever side I go, I'm good. I carry no bitterness or regrets and do see life as a learning journey.

I could start another post asking if he is marriage material listing all the nice things only and maybe people would say he's a keeper. It's obvs not just about sex and looks. He has been carrying and kind and supportive in many moments too. But that's not what I wanted your insights on.

Even after 20 years in a toxic relationship I wouldn't regret it all and discard all the good times we had, amazing kids we brought up etc. If I knew how to recognize the signs earlier, though, from posting here for example 10 years ago, we could have had more of those happy moments than bad ones, and I could have left him sooner if I was better informed for conversations and how to react/behave.

Obviously my focus was on the issues here and you have all helped me a lot. I know me, and will definetly not be here in 12 months with the same question.

Writing here I'm thinking there really is a problem with me as even if I know none of you, I don't want to leave feeling I've upset you to think your time was wasted 🤣 It really wasn't.

You've diagnosed him as a HSP... and are now going to try some strategies, and ask him to read some literature so he can be the person you want him to be.... you are a chronic fixer and pleaser and you need to LET IT GO!

You could label him as a HSP, a NPD, or a cucumber, but it wouldn't make who he is or his behaviour any more tolerable to be in a relationship with.

He is a grown man who has got you jumping to heart cute text message pictures quickly, in case you upset him by being too slow.

This is not it. You have gone out of the noisy frying pan and into the quiet fire.

OP. He is supposed to be your partner, not your patient.

This is not a sustainable basis for a relationship.

It's not about mistrusting everyone or winning/losing. If you can disengage from all those words for five seconds, and ask yourself, does this feel right to you? Does this feel right?

I think the answer would be no. If it was yes, then you wouldn't be here.

If you can drop the notion that you have to work out who is bad/good right/wrong and learn to hear your own voice telling you what is ok for you and what is not, that will be more helpful. Nah, not for me is enough.

The gaslighting of childrenby adults is rife, even moreso in previous generations and the result is adults that literally can't even hear their own judgement, never mind trust it.

Another option, OP, is relationship counselling, if you feel confident that he genuinely does recognise his own issues and want to address them. It doesn't have to be a last-ditch, in-extremis resort.

@Seas164
" you are a chronic fixer and pleaser"...
You are so right! Well, you all are 😬
But just like its hard for them to change, its hard for us. I'll look up the freedom programme and other support mentioned here.

He is a grown man who has got you jumping to heart cute text message pictures quickly, in case you upset him by being too slow.

Just read that again, look how things are so unbalanced and crazy making.

He knows what he is doing.

I wish you the best OP.

One abusive relationship is enough for anyone's lifetime!

Mind yourself.

Yep.
ONE was definitely enough for me.

So current guy is also open to analysing what went wrong, how we can make this a positive relationship for both of us as we do long for a long term partner

You can analyse all you want but the proof is in the pudding - can he change his behaviour.

if you are policing how many heart emojis you put on your text messages.... well, you're already too far gone. Walking on eggshells is walking on eggshells and is not good whether that's because the man is a violent bully or because he's an oversensitive ass who plays the victim. "Aaah, you're so strong, what would I do without you" just makes me want to hurl.

by the way, I'm generally considered a highly competent and capable person. And for years, I struggled to find a partner. I'd meet this high flying A-type personalities and they didn't want to give an inch and took the view that I was "strong" so that's alright. Or they'd say they liked that I was strong, while resenting it. Then I'd meet the opposite type and within minutes I'd be drained by having to do everything and make every single decision. Meeting DH was such a relief - he loves that I'm independent and capable and "strong" but he'll also quite happily go and run me a bath when I'm tired or cuddle me when I'm sad and all the less simplistic examples of being supportive and loving that he does.

Sounds like hard work, leave him

From your posting you have come out of it stronger and wiser.

IMO that is the best case scenario, 💪 👍.

That's all we can hope for, from life's tough lessons.

I think the thing is OP - you can only be someone's therapist for so long- as they age many men with this kind of personality tend to become a cross between victor meldrew and Kevin from motherland. Very wearing and not funny in real life.

I feel they are also prone to emotional dalliances with other women if you stop having a 100% focus on them and their trials and tribulations. They perceive you as becoming a bit uncaring and find another sucker to give them their undivided attention/ emotional buzz. It's a trait of needy people- if you are perceived to have stopped 'needing' their neediness- they want the attention from someone who does- or at least plays along with it - it's not just true in a relationship situation, it applies to friendships too

@Crikeyalmighty i suspect that was what happened with his ex. He got "bored" because she prob stopped paying attention to his annoying whining. He never opened much about the issues saying she is a good person and doesnt mean to speak badly of her, that things just got colder and he wasn't getting affection/feeling connected anymore...
Anyway... shame but plenty of fish in the sea.

Does this mean that you've had second thoughts about being his counsellor?
Are you going to bin him off?

OP, that is very insightful of you, and highly probably.

He got "bored" by her lack of interest?.....yea right.

That is a highly deliberate, manipulative, purposely misleading adjective to use.

I would say she was delighted to be rid of him.

Nothing is as tedious as sharing children with a whiney manchild.

I would concur with @Crikeyalmighty, he will be an enormous PITA to listen to as he ages🙄

How did you meet

Who chased who ?

*I think the thing is OP - you can only be someone's therapist for so
long- as they age many men with this kind of personality tend to become a
cross between victor meldrew and Kevin from motherland. Very wearing
and not funny in real life. *

It's funny how we see different things by people's writings.

I see him more as a David Beckham type, very handsome with a sweet disposition that makes women swoon, a bit childlike, needs mothering. 😅

A type that takes all the adoration and compliments and gives little back, his boredom with his wife was him expecting too much and not giving her attention, basically neglecting her.
He's not the type to buy presents and make occasions special, sending a Gif at Christmas to someone he's been having an intimate relationship with for the past year is borderline abusive.

This man has no idea how to give, only to recieve.

You op, by your first post sound like you know exactly what you want, and that's him, he on the otherhand is maybe missing his family, maybe even his wife.
Have you ever asked him, if she were to forgive him would he return.

Maybe he's burned his bridges and now is regretting that now, and you are feeling his concience and pity for himself kicking in, him crying and being depressed, is he pining for his old life, that must be upsetting seeing as you are fully onboard with your new situation.

Sorry but it's a year in and you are not feeling safe, loved or respected and I honestly don't think this man is capable of giving you what you need, I think you are bessotted and there's no way you will give him up, not willingly.
I also think you are confusing your attraction and sex life with him as some kind of loving support, you see him twice a week you say, he gets some sex, you get the endorphins but is there actually any truths being spoken between you, any future plans.

It sounds very unbalanced.
But if you try your hardest and give him all the attention maybe he'll stay, you analysing him is your way of trying to redress the balance of his selfishness, that's not going to work.

He will get bored if you have any wants and needs of your own.

@Asuitcase your posts are gold, thank you.

"Have you ever asked him, if she were to forgive him would he return"
No but I suspect he would.
He still feels guilt for leaving her, saying she did nothing wrong and she is a good person. Just maybe not right for eachother (different sense of humour, chemistry etc)

That obviously makes me feel aweful as if he has doubts about leaving her, it must mean he has doubts about being with me, which he says he doesnt, loves me, knows we are better than they ever were etc but she is the mum of his kids and feels bad he has put the fam through turmoil to satisfy his needs - and then finding me for it.

I explained him this puts a pressure and responsibility on me that I dont want. And since this post I told him how I felt about everything (though on text as we wont meet for another week - I didnt mean to but something prompted the topic).

He said all I said was on point, apologised, said wants us to work, and learn together, keep comms open etc... said wants to support me, blah blah...

Anyway I wont end it on text so will keep poking at it until we meet again. I dont think I need to rush into anything but can stop tiptoeing around him now.

I have to say that his latest response to you may be simply because he'll miss having sex with you.
Maybe that's just me being cynical.

And all the little gifts and rapt attention.

I have to say he just sounds like another self entitled male who hasn't grown up, unwilling to negotiate and compromise within his last relationship and split up and found you to ease his lonliness.

The honeymoon period is wearing off and reality bites, you need honesty, with him and with yourself.

Does she know about you, I'm guessing not, you cant be expected to be his tharapist hearing about her all the time, that's soul destroying for you.

You need to be number one and that doesn't include listening to him overcome the loss of his children's mother.

He needs to grow up, it looks like his ex partner enforced boundaries maybe it's time you did.

Poor guy he’s had a total character assassination here

the feminists are all over him !! How dare he not be perfect,

angry at the op for not immediately dumping!!

Oh no. The awful feminists being mean about poor men! 😱