He is highly sensitive, and what was cute, is starting to annoy me... can this work?

[Fullofdoubtsme]

I've been dating for about 1 year after my previous 20 years relationship broke down. That previous relationship was toxic and I was constantly walking on eggshells not to trigger his emotional abuse.
Now this new man is different in many ways, we are very much in love, he is super caring, attentive, we have similar interests, is patient... he is generally calm but he is extremely sensitive, gets easily anxious and worried. We can both see how this links with lack of self confidence and other fears, and he has done a lot of a self awareness and improvement work, so he acknowledges whats going on, but it still means he is almost always tired, overwhelmed, anxious over everyday things... like work or possible promotion or time with his kids, or having to buy something or before a trip. I worry that this can become a different type of toxic dynamic, even if not what he intends. If I have to walk on eggshells now not to say what I'm thinking and upset him, as it'll make him more anxious and distant, is this relationship right for me? All I want is to feel free and spontaneous. And have someone I can have a conversation without overthinking... I'm being careful to say things, trying to be empathetic and I know he doesn't have to think like me, I'm much more objective and bulldoze over my feelings as been on surviving mode for so long, so I'm not saying I have work to do too. But I worry he'll stop saying what he feels as wont want to listen to what I have to say or worry it'll annoy me, and I'll stop resonding for fear of hurting him and holding back, which will make us distant. He is shy and can go quiet and in his head, whereas I want to talk things through...
I just dont want another emotionally draining relationship, but I can also see us being able to be very happy together as we do sync in many other areas and even if we feel differently, we often agree on things. It's just he cant help being emotionally triggered.

If you read some threads on here, you will see it is very gendered. There is a lot of expectation on men to be very sensitive in what they say and how they say it, especially if they know it is something their female partner is sensitive about or insecure about. They are expected to accept the sensitivity and insecurity and are often asked what they are doing to help their female partner and to be sure they are supporting her and helping her in every way and even reflecting and looking at themselves to see how they are part of the problem. You never see the same advice given to women about dealing with a sensitive, emotional, or insecure man. Women are never told to set aside their own feeings and cater to their male partners sensitivities and insecurities.

Well thats not true. You try half the shit we commonly make excuses for guys for as a woman, you'd be dumped before you could say 'bunny boiler'

You think a guy would hang around if you messaged him asking why his last message wasn't signed off with a heart? No chance! Would he be online asking if he should tolerate the neediness? Nope!

He doesnt earn much, i do more but we do halves and he's always worried about me not overpaying.
He gives gifts to his ex and kids and family.
I did say I didnt care (much) but then again I'm talking about bringing a little something to show he thought about me, making me smile, you know? Like I travelled and gone to places and then bring like a small treat, nothing much so he doesnt feel the need to buy for me, but he could reciprocate a chocolate bar or something.

Same with love messages... he's cute and all but never sent anything deep, or that shows more thought gone into it.

He also is quick to say yes to everyone without ever thinking "hold on, let me see if she wants to do something, or has plans". This I did complain as said I feel I'm never a priority. I know he has this issue with saying no and guilt with ex and kids so will only have time for me when none of them have claimed it first, but it doesnt feel fair his ex gets to do whatever she wants and he's always there to back her up, and when we want to do something, he needs to check with her...

@Freefall212

Women are never told to set aside their own feeings and cater to their male partners sensitivities and insecurities.

Is this a joke?

Women are widely taught from a a young age by society to set aside their feelings and #bekind to their detriment. Especially when it comes to appeasing difficult, controlling and / or manipulative men.

If you think girls and women aren't routinely encouraged to adapt their behaviour in order to manage men's emotional responses, you're on another planet!

Oooo that would annoy me! He has to check with his ex………

What gifts does he buy his ex?

Don’t you mind that he has no spare cash? I mean what if you guys wanted a weekend away?

So is there no concrete contact plan for the kids? It’s just as and when it suits his ex?

I do get why he might not have much spare cash, living costs, maintenance etc

So is his place rented?

I dont mind the sensitivity and vulnerability, problem is it's draining to be around someone yawning and tired and worried and overwhelmed all the time over day to day stuff he should be able yo shake off. And even if its bad stuff, he should think to make time spent with me good and lift my mood up knowing all I go through too, I was NEVER crying and depressive around him even on my worst days as when I'm with him I wanted to be happy and destress and make him happy, not download all my shits on him...

It makes me not able to be sensitive and vulnerable as he might have a stroke. I keep saying "dont worry about me", "focus on your mental health", but actually what about my mental health? And I do feel lonely no one worries about me trully as I'm still getting out of divorce hell.

Exactly, OP.
You cater to his mental health but he fails to reciprocate.
It's an unequal partnership. Really unfair.

He bought a place of his own recently, he has a little spare cash for trips and gigs etc, and like I said I'm not asking for pricey gifts! Its the meaning of it... If he picked a shell from a beach in portugal when he went there alone, or a free mint from a german pub after going with a friend, I'd be satisfied!
He doesnt have a clear rota with ex and bought her mothers day and xmas gifts "on behalf of kids". I got a cute gif.

You got a gif on your birthday!!!!!!

pfft

what!!!! Hope you returned the gesture on his birthday 🤣🤣🤣

Have you got any children, OP?

Gosh he sounds like a right peach

At least you enjoy the sex!!!

The guy is going down in my estimations the more you post!

I don’t however think he’s abusive/narcissistic

he’s just a person like the rest of us with a issue or 5

Being able to buy a place of his own on his low salary is odd though? I mean did he have a lump sum to put down?

maybe he has ££££££ saved and you don’t know about it

Your bar is truly sub ground level that you have accepted such selfishness.

He gifts others, not you.

Wake up.

He knows well that your bar is so bloodyblow that he neither has to consider you, your time, nor gift you.

Please wake up.

You are an earhole to listen to his endless whinny twittering. 🙄

I have 2 teenage kids

Women are not a collective that are taught anything. Read threads on here. Many are women voicing sensitivities and insecurities and voicing their feelings very clearly. This is a sexist trope that women are silent and strong at home and that don't show or voice any sensitivities or insecurities and always cater to the men. I don't actually know any women who fit that sexist sterotype at all. That sounds like women who would have have very, very traditional gender role values and wanted a chivalry type relationship where the man is the head of the house and the woman is obedient and subserviant. I am sure men and women who want those very extreme gender role relationships exist but I don't know any myself.

Read the relationship threads on here or on any board. The advice about how men should act towards sensitivities and insecurities in women is completely different from the advice about how women should act towards sensitivities and insecurities in men. Men being sensitive, emotional, and vulnerable about insecurities is not something that many women actually want or accept in reality.

I am for equality and sometimes the pendulum shifts in one direction and sometimes in the other. When it comes to being emotional, vulnerable, sensitive, and insecure, those are still traits that are acceptable in women (and need to be accomodated by their male partners) but not in men.

Can you please not derail the thread discussing societal issues in relation to women being kind to shit men?! It’s an important issue but this is not the thread for that debate.

@Fullofdoubtsme every new post where you describe him just makes me more convinced he is a complete user and that you would be better off without him! I’m sorry, I know you will want to see the good side of him but he sounds like he doesn’t make any efforts to be a good partner at all. He doesn’t even sound like an ok friend or acquaintance. Just a using, self centred, unromantic waste of time and energy.

Please do the Freedom Program (you can do it online) and look at reading the Bancroft book.

I think he's still very much mentally tied in with his ex OP. Don't know why it ended- but it may not be for the reasons you were told and may not have been his choice. He may like you a lot - I'm sure he does- but I don't think his head is in a proper relationship space .

@Freefall212

Women are not a collective that are taught anything.

Women and girls are absolutely socially conditioned as a sex class from birth, as are men. It's simply incorrect to suggest otherwise I'm afraid. That doesn't mean everyone adheres to the teachings of that social conditioning, of course, but women and girls are as a collective sex class taught differently to men and boys.

Many are women voicing sensitivities and insecurities and voicing their feelings very clearly. This is a sexist trope that women are silent and strong at home and that don't show or voice any sensitivities or insecurities and always cater to the men. I don't actually know any women who fit that sexist sterotype at all. That sounds like women who would have have very, very traditional gender role values and wanted a chivalry type relationship where the man is the head of the house and the woman is obedient and subserviant. I am sure men and women who want those very extreme gender role relationships exist but I don't know any myself.

I absolutely agree that most women don't adhere to the stereotype of women or relationship model that you outline above, but that doesn't change the fact that those stereotypes are widely encouraged and reinforced at a societal level.

Men being sensitive, emotional, and vulnerable about insecurities is not something that many women actually want or accept in reality.

I'm very happy for my partner to be sensitive emotional and vulnerable about insecurities. He communicates these things healthily and we discuss them like adults. He doesn't make them my responsibility to manage, because he's a grown up. I expect no more or less in return, because we are equals.

I think it's interesting that you say on one hand you don't know women who fit into a sexist stereotype yet claim that 'not many women actually want or accept in reality' a man who is sensitive, emotional and vulnerable about his insecurities. It sounds like the people you know do in fact believe in damaging stereotypes after all?

A big fat no from me! I couldn’t be dealing with this, even more so at the start of a new relationship no way. I’m afraid you have left one relationship that was toxic and you’ve gone into another one with a man with lots of issues

Get out unless he's actually bothering to get help for his anxiety, counselling, self-help, medication etc.

Some people can’t help but steam roll the thread by tapping away about their own ideas and beliefs!!

go and start your own thread if it interests you that much!

I disagree. There are many women who are not not silent, passive humans who spend their lives subservient to men. I dont' know your circumstances but many women work and voice their thoughts and opinions every day. Many are active and have agency in their own lives, many take risks and make their own decisions. Many women are competent, capable adults who do not live solely under the shadow of men. This board perpeturates more negative stereotypes of women than soceity ever has based on my life. I just don't encounter the views expresssed here anywhere i have lived or travelled or worked in my life. I am saying the women on here do not want or accept in reality a man who is sensitive or emotional or vulnerable. Read threads about women with anxiety or depression vs the threads about a husband with anxiety or depression. The men are name called and criticized as weak and pitiful and selfish and attention seeking and manipulative and abusive and controlling and pathetic and useless and lazy and worthless. You will see none of that on the threads about women dealing with mental health issues.

I am actually for equality. I do not hate men or express extremely misdandrist views like many on this board. It frequently has pretty much all the same comments as one would see on a board frequently by misogynist men but against men rather than women. You can copy commentsand just change the sex.

Read these forums, you will see it. There is so much anger and hatred and blame placed on men and most often at the expense of women. Women are frequently made out to be weak and incompetent beings and men are scum as they are expected to accept women as weak and incompetent and provide for them and take care of them and protect them and be strong and supportive and sensitive to the woman's needs, foresaking their own. I despise both the way men and women are talked about on here. And it is an interesting sociological study as I am sure this board attracts those who find others who agree just like an MRA board does. Hate sticks together. Count the number of times a man is called a name on here versus a woman is called a name. Count the number of times it is a man blamed / held responsible for all the issues versus a woman blamed and held responsible for all the issues. Count how often the advice is that the woman should be supportive and understanding and accepting of the man's feelings versus how often the advice is that the man should be supportive and understanding and accepting of he women's feelings. It is very skewed all on counts. A mirrored reflection of MRA boards.

The first 18 months are the honeymoon stage. It doesn't get better. You can grow in intimacy and shared memories, but he won't become a considerate, thoughtful, gift-giving, resilient person. And the sex will probably go down from a 10/9 to a 6/7.

He’s not sensitive he’s exceptionally Needy! Getting upset cos he hasn’t seen his children in three days! Getting worried cos his best friend hasn’t answered his texts! He sounds very self absorbed jeez