He is highly sensitive, and what was cute, is starting to annoy me... can this work?

[Fullofdoubtsme]

I've been dating for about 1 year after my previous 20 years relationship broke down. That previous relationship was toxic and I was constantly walking on eggshells not to trigger his emotional abuse.
Now this new man is different in many ways, we are very much in love, he is super caring, attentive, we have similar interests, is patient... he is generally calm but he is extremely sensitive, gets easily anxious and worried. We can both see how this links with lack of self confidence and other fears, and he has done a lot of a self awareness and improvement work, so he acknowledges whats going on, but it still means he is almost always tired, overwhelmed, anxious over everyday things... like work or possible promotion or time with his kids, or having to buy something or before a trip. I worry that this can become a different type of toxic dynamic, even if not what he intends. If I have to walk on eggshells now not to say what I'm thinking and upset him, as it'll make him more anxious and distant, is this relationship right for me? All I want is to feel free and spontaneous. And have someone I can have a conversation without overthinking... I'm being careful to say things, trying to be empathetic and I know he doesn't have to think like me, I'm much more objective and bulldoze over my feelings as been on surviving mode for so long, so I'm not saying I have work to do too. But I worry he'll stop saying what he feels as wont want to listen to what I have to say or worry it'll annoy me, and I'll stop resonding for fear of hurting him and holding back, which will make us distant. He is shy and can go quiet and in his head, whereas I want to talk things through...
I just dont want another emotionally draining relationship, but I can also see us being able to be very happy together as we do sync in many other areas and even if we feel differently, we often agree on things. It's just he cant help being emotionally triggered.

@SquidwardBound whats a disney dad? :) he is very active with his kids, wants to participate.
@perfectcolourfound so true i worry I have to do all the being strong. I'm still going through hell with my divorce and whilst he is supportive its usually a one line, "dont know what to say" and "wish I could give you a hug" kind of thing and I end up not sharing all as dont know if he can take it. But then its comforting to have someone who is so caring towarda me and give me some love while I am going through these shits...
He says he knows he has loads of red flags and ia surprised I'm with him... but he has a lot of traits I looked for (and the looks), and perfect is the enemy of good?? Yes he's the first since marriage but I did look around, went on some dates, and nothing better came up. Also chemistry is important and even harder to find...
I'm not looking for a new husband, I wish to always live in separate houses and meet maybe 1 or 2 a week... so is it possible to "fix" it so we are good for each other or I really need to start over? :(

He’s not for you.

Move on.

He seems highly insecure to me and seems to have very low self esteem

I do not see this as having narcissistic tendencies at all!!

However what I would not like are the moods!!! Nooooo

Some people say he is doing it to control you but I would say he’d be in this frame of mind whether you were there or not.

Talk to him, tell him you find the silence’s unpleasant and worry that you can’t speak freely

In your shoes I would speak freely and see how that goes

What I would say though is people rarely change

why did his marriage break down?

It sounds like you’ve gone from one toxic man to another who’s emotionally manipulating you just in a different way. Take a break from dating,
do the freedom programme, dump the Klingon

Thanks @Truestorypeeps we are both 41. He takes command and keeps his cool but inside he struggles, even if got good at holding back. He says he feels at ease to open up to me so I dont want to shut this off but I do give him some shaking ups which he is later thankful. Agree though he wont change so is it worth teying an open conversion about it to see if we can meet in the middle somehow? I can be a bit cold and too straightforward I guess, have little patience...
@Bananalanacake yes agree. He is quite cool about me doing my own things

He is trying to make you change who and how you are to manage his emotions. This is neither fair nor healthy - you are a person, not an emotional support animal.

My husband has never displayed some of the more dickish behaviours you describe, but he developed Generalised Anxiety Disorder (caused by external environmental factors) a few years after we married. When it got to the stage that his GAD was affecting my life too, I gave him an ultimatum: I was willing to support him to get better if he would start to help himself, and if he didn’t want to, he could go elsewhere to get happy however he thought that might work. He started private therapy the same week and has been transformed by it. The issues stemming from childhood will always be there, but he can manage them now, and we have a fabulous mutually supportive relationship more than ten years on.

You need to be clear to yourself that your life is just as important as his, and make decisions accordingly. FWIW, at one year in, I would be cutting my losses and leaving this one behind. He needs to be willing to help himself and not make everyone around him bend to his illness.

I've been dating for about 1 year after my previous 20 years relationship broke down. That previous relationship was toxic and I was constantly walking on eggshells not to trigger his emotional abuse.
And now you're back in the same position again.
Is this your first relationship after your long-term ex or did you date around a bit before trying it out with this guy? You say this relationship gives you the fun you were yearning for, but it sounds like the total opposite of fun to me. Are you sure it's not just nicer than it was at the end with your ex?

Yes
I'm sympathetic as I have/had depression and anxiety for years, but I was always careful not to inflict it on others. It sounds like you live together if you're worried and walking on eggshells?

This ^^

I recently had a cancer scare and didn’t feel like i could tell my (very similar to this) partner cause i couldn’t face having to handle his emotions too, and i knew he’s not be able to support me.

It’s just a different type of control to the last abusive relationship.

Oh, too slow :)
nothing better came up
Oh dear. I'd end it now before you're in so deep that you feel guilty about finishing with him.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s intentionally controlling or whatever. The result is the OP walking on eggshells lest she trigger a bad mood.

Being a Disney dad is when he acts like time with his children must be all fun and joy and treats. Rather than real parenting, contact is treated like it’s a special holiday at all times. Which also isn’t driven by bad intentions - but the consequences can be unfortunately for everyone involved.

@80s yes I thought about it. I'm a bit of a people.pleaser and struggle to say no, which made me stay with ex not to mess with his feelings and I worry I'd be stuck with this one for same reason and don't want to. Today it's good but i can see there's an issue.

I don't think he's particularly manipulative.

I do think he seriously lacks resilience. I don't know whether it's possible for anyone to develop resilience well into adulthood.

I can tell you that a relationship with someone lacking resilience is exhausting snd draining.

I was trying to be charitable about him until the post about your divorce op and I see that the support is only going one way in this relationship.

he’s stating to sound like a very self-absorbed, selfish person to be honest. Wants all the love and support for minor things (hasn’t seen the kids for 3 days ffs!) and yet can’t even come up with a platitude when you are going through stuff.

thats a no from me I’m afraid.

also, the withdrawing and silent treatment when you don’t react / say exactly what he wants you to? That’s horrifyingly controlling. You’re already moderating your behaviour and tying yourself in knots to avoid one of these sulks.

That’s another no from me.

Ok I guess I can either leave now or tell him he must look for help (i told him.he may need therapy or pills for a while) and explain my fears and boundaries, that I'll always speak my mind, I'm not offending him, its normal conversation and see how it goes. If it doesnt improve or he struggles either of us may walk and thats fine. I really dont want another man for me to look after a d feel responsible for.
We dont live together and his marriage ended because he said was bored, they didnt have fun anymore and prob was never right for him

Yes @Chersfrozenface he is always amazed i am so resilient and i am at how little he is...

When you say he goes quiet, is that as in he sulks?

If you are actively worried about all that you say to him in case of an adverse reaction, then you need to have a real rethink as to whether this is a relationship you need in your life.

Him openly admitting there are flags doesn't make it any better tbh. He is telling you who he is, and if you continue this relationship this will get thrown back at you.

I think you need more single time to work out what YOU want and need.

I don’t think the posts trashing this man or suggesting he is abusive are fair. These are all classic manifestations of critically low esteem (which is a mental health issue) which shows as high anxiety, trust issues, self-sabotage and so on. He needs therapy more than anything. Re. your relationship, it is whether you can deal with that all, and the risks it could pose to your relationship. You could consider joint therapy if he does have a grip over his own mental health situation.

No one ends a marriage with children because they were bored.

And then to mope and sulk because they don’t live with with their kids all the time. 🙄

I wouldn’t bother with the telling him he needs therapy/medication stuff. That just makes you into his mum, frankly.

Set your boundaries and expectations. Have therapy yourself to do this instead.

But, ultimately, he may be nice but just so self-absorbed and used to having the world revolve around his wants and feelings (male socialisation in action!) and simply not be able to offer better than this.

If I have to walk on eggshells now not to say what I'm thinking and upset him, as it'll make him more anxious and distant, is this relationship right for me?

No, it is not, unless that feels good to you.

You can ruminate over why he is like he is and what the outcome might be in future and try and suggest therapy and pills to change him, you can weigh up his good points against his bad points, you can try and work out if it's you that's the problem, or him.

All that you need to know is, does this feel right? Is this what you want? There's your answer.

@shadytree i did think of joint therapy. We both accept our shares on end of previous relationship and want ours to work. Think he would be up for it... you got it right on his low self esteem and he knows it, reads loads about it, meditates... he's trying. I dont want to play the saviour though and risk feeling guilty if I give up later on. But maybe with a mediation we can figure this out? I have been alone for 10 years even if married. I like what we have and honestly dont feel like giving this up so soon but know cant allow things to deepen...

Bloody hell, I found this really hard work just reading about the kind of relantship you are in allready,@Fullofdoubtsme

And this is supposed to be your honeymoon moon stage of a relationship.!

I thought it was just me who thinks like that about hyper senistive extremely easily triggered people,

Have you noticed that very hyper easily triggered people , are very quick straight to the point to tell anyone what they think feel with often least amount of sensitivity, !

Don't care about other people's feelings as much as they expect, other people to think care about their own feelings 🙄

But when it comes to their feelings you have to accommodate their ultra sensitivity and be so bendy over backwards like a expert Controist act at big top 🎪 circus..

It reminds me of that Jim Carrey Actors film Title, "Me Myself and Irene or l" (not quite sure

He is only actiqience or possibly Plantonic friendship material that's it really. !

Forget about this one, @Fullofdoubtsme
Throw him back into the 🌊 sea. !

Otherwise you will be constantly like an unpaid unofficial therapy counsellor

He needs to address his own issues, not to expect you as a partner to tip toe around him like you are performing for Russian classic Ballet Swan Lake or something...

so many of us have said that it doesn’t matter what is causing this. The result is an OP modifying her behaviour and living a life dictated by his emotions.

It’s not the OP’s job to be an emotional
support human to a man who is failing to support her through divorcing an abusive man because he’s whining about not seeing his kids for 3 days.