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Original poster

He is highly sensitive, and what was cute, is starting to annoy me... can this work?

229 replies

Fullofdoubtsme · 10/05/2023 08:12

I've been dating for about 1 year after my previous 20 years relationship broke down. That previous relationship was toxic and I was constantly walking on eggshells not to trigger his emotional abuse.
Now this new man is different in many ways, we are very much in love, he is super caring, attentive, we have similar interests, is patient... he is generally calm but he is extremely sensitive, gets easily anxious and worried. We can both see how this links with lack of self confidence and other fears, and he has done a lot of a self awareness and improvement work, so he acknowledges whats going on, but it still means he is almost always tired, overwhelmed, anxious over everyday things... like work or possible promotion or time with his kids, or having to buy something or before a trip. I worry that this can become a different type of toxic dynamic, even if not what he intends. If I have to walk on eggshells now not to say what I'm thinking and upset him, as it'll make him more anxious and distant, is this relationship right for me? All I want is to feel free and spontaneous. And have someone I can have a conversation without overthinking... I'm being careful to say things, trying to be empathetic and I know he doesn't have to think like me, I'm much more objective and bulldoze over my feelings as been on surviving mode for so long, so I'm not saying I have work to do too. But I worry he'll stop saying what he feels as wont want to listen to what I have to say or worry it'll annoy me, and I'll stop resonding for fear of hurting him and holding back, which will make us distant. He is shy and can go quiet and in his head, whereas I want to talk things through...
I just dont want another emotionally draining relationship, but I can also see us being able to be very happy together as we do sync in many other areas and even if we feel differently, we often agree on things. It's just he cant help being emotionally triggered.

OP posts:
HipHipWhoRay · 10/05/2023 08:14

This sounds like a lot of hard work for a relatively new relationship. Sorry, OP!

bunhead1979 · 10/05/2023 08:15

That sounds tough. And i imagine it may get worse as he becomes more comfortable, he may come to rely on you more. I think going from one “eggshells” relationship to another just would not work for me, no matter what the good bits were. I have been in this kind of relationship and it is exhausting.

SpringBunnies · 10/05/2023 08:15

It's his personality, he's aware and tries to improve himself. The question for you is does this work for you?

CindersAgain · 10/05/2023 08:15

How do these worries manifest themselves? I’m struggling to answer without some examples.

llareggub · 10/05/2023 08:17

I felt exhausted just reading that.

I can’t deal with emotionally triggered people. Even the phrase winds me up.

SquidwardBound · 10/05/2023 08:18

This sounds exhausting.

If your always having to tip toe around and manage his emotions (by modifying what you do and say), then the net result is the same whatever is driving his behaviour.

You’re one year in and it’s this difficult. It won’t get easier - it will almost certainly get worse.

Wanting to be able to relax, be spontaneous, just be you is completely reasonable in a relationship. If you can recognise that isn’t possible in this relationship, then it isn’t right for you.

Original poster
Fullofdoubtsme · 10/05/2023 08:20

@HipHipWhoRay obvs have to condense the issue on post so it may feel like it. Mostly its great and we have fun and great sex and conversations, but it worry how easy it is for him to feel overwhelmed and anxious about what I see as normal things, and then hurt from what I say tring to help (though he never gets angry, he just goes quiet and says he knows shouldn't feel like that, as I'm tring to help, its his sensitivity getting in the way...). Should I just give up, or not respond when I feel it may upset him? Be more listening instead of talking? Offering comfort and not thinking I need to solve for him? (I have a tendency of wanting to sort all out and simplify things)
I love him and he makes me happy, something I so needed after my marriage, but I worry we'll be in a different type of toxic dynamic if we dont learn to address this now.

OP posts:
primoseyellow · 10/05/2023 08:20

Tired, anxious and overwhelmed about having to buy something before a work trip or time with his kids?
No sorry, just grow up and deal with normal life like an adult, this would annoy me, what would he do if something serious happened like one of you got ill, money issues, lack of work?

You would most likely be left managing everything and babying him through it.

I know I have short patience with people like this, and obviously I would be outwardly supportive because this is my issue, but I could never be in a relationship with a man who is like this.

GuevarasBeret · 10/05/2023 08:21

No it isn’t the right relationship for you. I am also recently out of a long “walking on eggshells” relationship, and I felt quite sick reading your OP.

In particular the “anxiety before a trip” would kill any positive feelings I had for him (anyone). It matters not a whit what the driver of the highly demanding behaviour is, your function is not to soothe his emotional distress at every day things. It’s a different route to the same destination of “All-Focus-&-Energy-On-Me-and-my-Feelings.”

Doyoumind · 10/05/2023 08:26

It sounds like you, maybe subconsciously, found a man who was the opposite of your ex and that felt safe. But the reality is you've ended up in another imbalanced relationship. It feels like it's all about him at your expense. You're only a year in. If it bothers you now you know in your heart it will only get worse.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 10/05/2023 08:29

It's ok for this not to be the relationship for you. This is the first relationship you've had since coming out of a toxic relationship, you don't have to take it any further if you don't want to. He sounds like he's got some great points and has probably helped restore your faith in relationships. But you're realising that his bad points are ruining the relationship. So walk away... it's not this or nothing. You can keep growing and learning what you want/don't want in a relationship.

sonjadog · 10/05/2023 08:31

This sounds like a lot of hard work when you should be having fun with your new partner. I don't think this one is a goer.

tikkanaan · 10/05/2023 08:31

If you think it's not working that's all you need. Walk away. It's ok to admit you're not right for each other

Original poster
Fullofdoubtsme · 10/05/2023 08:33

@CindersAgain for example he keeps worrying he doesn't earn much, and is stagnant in his career. Then his boss asks him to apply for a director role, something he's done before and would resolve money and career growth, but then he self sabotages, is quiet and just generally a bit more distant, says not sure what to do as will be super stressful, maybe his friend should take it as she is better... anyway these are all normal feelings and having doubts is fine, but something that should be good, drags him down. He wasnt even offered the job yet, but he cant sleep for days before interview and until knows result... And if I'm objective and say how I'd face situation and give some advice, he goes quiet.
Same goes for say time spent with his kids, we are both divorced and seeing less of them, but he gets proper down if doesnt see them for 3 days, whereas I'm fine, as much as I talk to mine and we have good times when together...
Once he was in a bad place for a week because his best mate wasnt answering his texts much, thought that was it, his friend had given up on him... instead of talking to the guy and asking what was going on. Turns out it was nothing, but it showed what he may go through depending on what I say or dont. Like if I forget to put a heart on a picture he will ask where it is as he thinks it means something...
He keeps saying "sorry I'm just sensitive", as @SpringBunnies says its his personality, he knows it and is trying to improve. But this also is something nice, he is super caring, and thoughtful, musical... I guess I dont want to let go (yet) but maybe there is a way for us to work through it, before it gets bad... he would be open for it I think but I dont know how?

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 10/05/2023 08:34

Fullofdoubtsme · 10/05/2023 08:20

@HipHipWhoRay obvs have to condense the issue on post so it may feel like it. Mostly its great and we have fun and great sex and conversations, but it worry how easy it is for him to feel overwhelmed and anxious about what I see as normal things, and then hurt from what I say tring to help (though he never gets angry, he just goes quiet and says he knows shouldn't feel like that, as I'm tring to help, its his sensitivity getting in the way...). Should I just give up, or not respond when I feel it may upset him? Be more listening instead of talking? Offering comfort and not thinking I need to solve for him? (I have a tendency of wanting to sort all out and simplify things)
I love him and he makes me happy, something I so needed after my marriage, but I worry we'll be in a different type of toxic dynamic if we dont learn to address this now.

The question you’re asking here boils down to: should I be different to manage his emotions?

That’s never a healthy question.

Being overwhelmed by very ordinary things and going silent to show you that your response is wrong isn’t fair. Whether he is doing it on purpose or not.

The other thing to remember is that this relationship puts you in a position where you can never be overwhelmed or need support because he’s already claimed all the rights to that. Indeed, if you aren’t able to manage your behaviour in line with his overwhelm and anxiety, then you’ll be letting him down and not holding up your end of this unequal bargain.

This is as easy as things are going to get in a relationship. What happens when you have needs and can’t make his emotions your priority? You will, because we all do.

perfectcolourfound · 10/05/2023 08:35

He sounds exhausting and self-centred.

Whatever the reason for it, a relationship where one person is regularly walking on eggshells / not able to say what they truly think / not able to discuss their own concerns because it will become all about the other person / does all the 'being strong' is destinated to fail.

He may be self-aware and doing what he can to help himself grow stronger, but I think he needs to do all of that whilst single, and not enter a r'ship until he's ready to be an equal partner and not drain all of the strength out of the other person.

Bummerweekend · 10/05/2023 08:35

Following with interest

MargotDeWitt · 10/05/2023 08:38

To me, he sounds excessively needy. And that is not at all attractive.

SquidwardBound · 10/05/2023 08:38

Same goes for say time spent with his kids, we are both divorced and seeing less of them, but he gets proper down if doesnt see them for 3 days, whereas I'm fine, as much as I talk to mine and we have good times when together...

This is a very, very bad sign.

You are both in the same situation, but he’s only interested in how he feels about less than 100% residency. He mopes around and reduces your happiness.

I’d also be wary of the other side of this particular coin - is he a Disney dad? That’s very hard to live with.

Original poster
Fullofdoubtsme · 10/05/2023 08:38

Thanks everyone this is so helpful.
@GuevarasBeret yes I see similar traits of being afraid of rejection which is what caused the narcissistic abusive behaviour in my ex. In him, it seems to not do that, but rather bring him down and I dont want to be soothing him all the time, I need looking after too...
He is independent and takes initiative which are great and is just so, so adorable to be with, we are at the height of being super in love, but maybe my bar was sooooo low I am allowing these big red flags too easily?

OP posts:
TragicMuse · 10/05/2023 08:41

For me, it doesn't matter what the driver is, he's still using how HE is to control how YOU are.

And saying 'I'm just sensitive' is a cop out. What is he doing to combat this trait of his? Is he giving himself a good talking to? Shaking himself out of it? Is he actually doing anything to manage his own emotions without expecting you to be caring and to know exactly the right thing to say at any given time?

My guess is he isn't doing any of the emotional work on himself.

And yet, it's somehow YOUR fault for his poor communication and for not being able to read his mind.

No. At this point I would be considering my position and whether this is the right relationship.

It's still toxic, it's still controlling, you're still on eggshells, you're still being punished for perceived wrongdoing...

Just because he doesn't shout and storm or hit you doesn't mean it isn't abusive in some way.

And it is. In many ways.

MiddleParking · 10/05/2023 08:41

Fullofdoubtsme · 10/05/2023 08:38

Thanks everyone this is so helpful.
@GuevarasBeret yes I see similar traits of being afraid of rejection which is what caused the narcissistic abusive behaviour in my ex. In him, it seems to not do that, but rather bring him down and I dont want to be soothing him all the time, I need looking after too...
He is independent and takes initiative which are great and is just so, so adorable to be with, we are at the height of being super in love, but maybe my bar was sooooo low I am allowing these big red flags too easily?

Exactly. He’s going to get a LOT worse.

SquidwardBound · 10/05/2023 08:43

Of course your bar was low and your barometer off. Have you had some counselling about the abuse?

You deserve to just be happy and not having your life determined by his moods.

Bananalanacake · 10/05/2023 08:45

Don't let him move in with you. If he stops you going out with friends because he'll get anxious, it's time to end it.

Truestorypeeps · 10/05/2023 08:45

Hello, a male perspective... A lot of women would be naturally attracted to a man who has the good traits your partner has but along with those, is emotionally strong, resilient, unflustered, (care-free?). He admits himself he isn't these things? He says he's working on it, but tbh, we are who we are to a large extent. How old is he? If he's not been able to conquer these feelings by now, I don't see it changing. You need to think, can I accept him for his flaws or not? I'm caring, thoughtful and sensitive, but I also take command of situations, keep a cool head over the usual day to day problems, these things aren't mutually exclusive.