He is highly sensitive, and what was cute, is starting to annoy me... can this work?

[Fullofdoubtsme]

I've been dating for about 1 year after my previous 20 years relationship broke down. That previous relationship was toxic and I was constantly walking on eggshells not to trigger his emotional abuse.
Now this new man is different in many ways, we are very much in love, he is super caring, attentive, we have similar interests, is patient... he is generally calm but he is extremely sensitive, gets easily anxious and worried. We can both see how this links with lack of self confidence and other fears, and he has done a lot of a self awareness and improvement work, so he acknowledges whats going on, but it still means he is almost always tired, overwhelmed, anxious over everyday things... like work or possible promotion or time with his kids, or having to buy something or before a trip. I worry that this can become a different type of toxic dynamic, even if not what he intends. If I have to walk on eggshells now not to say what I'm thinking and upset him, as it'll make him more anxious and distant, is this relationship right for me? All I want is to feel free and spontaneous. And have someone I can have a conversation without overthinking... I'm being careful to say things, trying to be empathetic and I know he doesn't have to think like me, I'm much more objective and bulldoze over my feelings as been on surviving mode for so long, so I'm not saying I have work to do too. But I worry he'll stop saying what he feels as wont want to listen to what I have to say or worry it'll annoy me, and I'll stop resonding for fear of hurting him and holding back, which will make us distant. He is shy and can go quiet and in his head, whereas I want to talk things through...
I just dont want another emotionally draining relationship, but I can also see us being able to be very happy together as we do sync in many other areas and even if we feel differently, we often agree on things. It's just he cant help being emotionally triggered.

@FannagBeg

You have absolutely 💯 nailed it with your insightful intelligent comment. !

Totally agree with you .

@Neverthinkjustdo

I know, I'm seeing that now. I have choices and the option to go is there. Last time we argued, I suggested couples therapy but he's yet to mention it since. The catalyst for that incident was that I said I was going to train for a hobby that would mean I had to take time for myself instead of spending time with him for a period of time while I got good at it. This upset him. But instead of saying he would join me (the hobby is something he recently said he wanted to do!), he got quite venomous about it and said he felt like I was avoiding spending time with him.

He has done similar before about my hobbies and pastimes, shamed me for them and made me feel stupid for enjoying them to the point I have something I put a years worth of work into up for sale as I can't bear to look at it anymore due to the things he said.

I got really upset with him and said I was doing it for me, as a challenge to myself to prove I could do something hard mentally and physically, told him how ashamed he made me feel. I ended up going upstairs after talking to him and feeling tense I had to yell into a pillow. He heard me, rushed up and was crying saying how he felt sad I was that pissed off with him. Didn't ask me if I was alright, or apologise. No hug. Just him crying and then he sat at the dining table sobbing saying how he must be horrible. I think he knows I'm reaching my limit. And he knows because I am sorting my own issues out, he can't use that as ammunition anymore.

@PassionPeach

Your current Partner sounds a extremely Needy emotionally Manipulative selfish immature insecure man,

who makes you feel responsible for him in some weird way, he tries to have some hold on you, just one major red flag banner of many maybe, i can amagine myriad of psychological mind fuck games to try to ensure you feel emotionally obligated to his wants needs and insecurities..

He sounds like he has quite severe Personality disorder of some kind in the mix too,

He is definitely not the right kind of guy to be with..at all. !

You deserve way way better than he could ever be, that's for sure.!
the real issue is your extremely low self esteem of yourself,

I sense you could well be too much of a people pleaser, and he of course takes advantage of this ,big time
he exploits it to the max,
Just like I suspect other people have in the past too.

Look into why you feel a need to people please way too much,
address where this issue comes from ,

Why don't you feel your needs wants desires are not just as important in any relationship or friendship you have,

Why are you allways feeling your needs wants should be back of the queue all or most of the time,
You are just as equal as anybody else too.

It's OK and healthy to have boundaries and have your needs wants desires accommodated acknowledged in any type of relationship, !

A healthy balance compromise is the key, but not over compromising yourself like a controist at big top circus Act coming to town..

Take care

P.s in regards of your housing situation,
Get advice from citizens Advice bureau it's free impartial advice charitable organisation that's got a a good reputation long standing

@Goodread1

Thanks for the long and thoughtful reply.

I have been thinking recently he must have some kind of personality disorder. I know he is definitely paranoid and anxious. He puts a lot of stress on himself to please me, to the point where if anything goes wrong, it's like the worst thing in the world or I am left to feel ungrateful. These pressures aren't coming from me. I'm a relaxed person for the most part - like all people, I have things that might make me tense or worried, but for the most part, I'm happy to get on with life and the shit it throws at me. Not him.

The ironic thing about the self esteem is that I had none when we got together. I had come from a verbally/psychologically abusive relationship and I think he liked that I was quite fragile back then. I'm the opposite now and in this past year alone, I have really settled into how I look and feel, and I think that might be bothering him. I made it clear to him I am dressing how I want to dress now, and it's for no one else but myself, that I don't want to cloth myself clothe for others. He brings that up sometimes and says it hurts his feelings as he is part of 'others', as he sees it. I've come leaps and bounds in that aspect, but you're right, maybe I am holding myself back in others, but I think that's out of fear of arguments and walking on egg shells. It just isn't worth the exhaustion.

I am a people pleaser to an extent. I like knowing people are happy or that I have done a good job, but I don't let it rule my life. Like I said, I've started looking out for myself more and making myself a priority. Same extends to my wants and needs, to the point I have started taking day trips by myself on my days off if and when I fancy it. I would never have used to have done that, but here we are.

Again, thanks for your nice reply. I appreciate it.

I had one like this OP. He was sooo sweet! But no good sex (instead lots of gifts and love letters). He would worry about work but not leave/complain, have health problem but not seek advice/rest etc.

Anyway, I was a busy mum trying to get on my feet and he was so needy (e.g. if I hadnt messaged/spoken for a few work weekdays, overananalysing how much time we should be spending together etc).

He was a complete walkover and said I wanted a "alpha male". I didn't, but I was just less anxious than him and needed to be a bit driven as I had to be (no luxury to mope) as had noone to 'look after me' / 'fall back on'.

Dumped him (with much sadness) and I think about him now and again as the one who got away but on one catch up he said "I am in a room trying to be quiet with my kid as my now partner is working and doesnt like noise" and I just thought, he hasnt learnt to stand up for himself still. Anyway, noone is perfect.

Your bloke sounds a bit too annoying sorry, and the lack of gifts makes me sad. You are giving too much and not getting enough back.

I'm going to say total opposite to people. If your looking for the perfect person then keep looking. We aren't all normal or whatever it is. I met my now hubby and he knew I had very similar anxiety,worrys etc due to something that happened years ago. We talked and talked for weeks and now I barely ever worry about anything. It used to effect every day life for me going out, I was always trying to please people and worried if I got it wrong etc etc. Its all gone. If you really love someone you help, it's not a red flag I just hadn't met the right person to instil confidence and tell me hey you need to stop worrying etc etc or heres another way to think about things. I cant tell you how happy I am in that first year that he took the time to help me get over it. 5 years on we have 3 wonderful children and I love this man to bits and do things I never thought I would be able to accomplish. I know I always have hubbys support and love and that for me makes it the best. So looking for Mr or Mrs perfect you can keep doing or if you love already then please don't give up keep trying and talking it out. Some of us are damaged because of previous experiences and can get thru it. It made us stronger and im totally different to who I was 5 years ago. Mr right showed me my worth and not someone to be discarded because of a few problems that have now been worked thru. Till hubby came along and took the time to help I felt I was nothing,unlovable,a stressed worried mess and now I feel the total opposite. So please if you love each other don't give up ot can turn out wonderful also

@LadyJ2023

I'm glad that you got the help you needed, but in my situation, I have offered help. Suggested he get help. But he won't take it. He says there is nothing wrong with him but it's me. I'm the problem. The onus is always pushed onto someone else, so yeah, I think it can be a red flag that a grown man can't make himself accountable for the things he says and does, and how it makes others feel.

The trouble with this is that the OP is the one doing all the supporting and getting nothing back.

Hi all, sorry not sure sometimes people are answering on @PassionPeach or me 🤣 but all good, her experience ressembles more my ex.

As for my current, since yesterday I started to read more about HSP and he is definitely that!
It seems its a genetic thing and how his brain is wired so therapy would only go so far.

I see the upsides of his traits and love them though.

He may also have a bit of covert narcissism and that I cannot tolerate so will focus on this and set some boundaries. He knows about my ex and my own "sensitivities" around this so if he is willing to pay attention and be more attentive to me, then I can try do the same for him and his HSP.

I know that if he really is a narcissist there is little hope but I will try be hyper vigilant and see what it teaches me on how I shift my responses to any sign of it (if anything, I can test my newfound knowledge and try it out with someone far less abusive than my ex, so I'm stronger and start shifting my own beliefs and wiring).

If this works, I might give it a go at learning how to have a relationship with a HSP as it's not all bad (I accept many people in this thread wouldn't stomach it 🤣)

Sad though that most articles say how WE should adapt/learn how to deal with them, and not how THEY should adapt for us so the tip toeing doesn't happen. I think for this we need A LOT of communication and see if we can make it work. If anyone has any tips on what he should read on how to manage his HSP and be a better partner to me, let me know. Most articles just say how we have to be understanding and kind etc but they need to learn how to interact with the 80% of us who aren't HSPs without loosing their shit.

@goldenlocks thanks, I guess no one really is perfect but we have enough info around to educate ourselves and them if we trully want to give this a proper go.

He is also sad with the end of his previous relationship, as I am with mine as even if my ex became an abusive narcissistic shithead, he wasn't always so (even if it was underneath the bonnet) and had I done any research, talked to someone early on, before things got bad, maybe there would have been something to be saved or I would have gotten rid sooner.

So current guy is also open to analysing what went wrong, how we can make this a positive relationship for both of us as we do long for a long term partner (however long it lasts, we know better than to say forever) as we enjoy similar things.

I'm not afraid of being alone, never was. Stayed with ex for kids and fear of him. So I know I'm strong enough now to let him go if things dont add up for me. Living separate lives helps, I guess, and I just need to remind myself as I may not be able to live under same roof with a HSP (don't really wish to live with anyone, I enjoy my freedom too much), but it may work as long as we keep our spaces.

We'll see...

stop trying to be the healer- mother.. you need a companion not another child. Dump him and find someone who makes you happy and the relationship is easy.

@GoldenFarfalle I am stopping! I'll say at it is and how far I am willing to compromise (needed in any relationship). Give it another month or so and if no signs this has a chance, I'll go. I'm clearly not miserable around him and here I'm focusing on the issues but he makes me happy and it's not difficult. I KNOW my bar is low but also know there isn't a perfect person and I dont have my whole life ahead of me and not every guy would put up with my situation (having an abusive ex isnt exactly stress free) It absolutely needs to be more positive than anything so I feel 100% stronger and more prepared to either make it work or end it quickly as dont want to waste any of our times.

Rather you than me. Sounds exhausting, all this analysing and whatnot. Relationships are supposed to enhance our lives, rather than become an exercise in amateur psychiatry.

you are not stopping as "you are giving another month" you are lying to yourself, not us. He is not going to change, is how he is and that's fine if he makes you happy as he is but that's not the case as you are asking for advice here.
To me it sounds you are with him because you think you don't deserve better and you are afraid to be alone.

This!
OP I'm sorry but this thread has been pointless.
You've had loads of advice and yet you seem determined to fix this bloke.

I can also imagine his delight as OP expends even more focus and energy on him in her Fixing Broken Bloke campaign.

I understand the frustration but it sounds like OP is planning to withdraw (if she can manage it) her understanding caring tiptoeing routine, and act more normally round him, to see what happens.

If he continues or ramps up, it's over. If he responds by stopping being a pathetic baby taking more responsibility for his own feelings, she hopes it'll work out. That's my reading anyway.

Fgs run away OP.

Have you armchair diagnosed him
as a highly sensitive person OP?

I really do think it would help you to step back and ask yourself why you are busy reading articles about HSPs and trying to rationalise away the red flags and problems.

You are not his mum. You don’t have to try to seek diagnosis for him, support hims through things and learn to live with very difficult behaviour. You don’t need to save or rescue him.

He doesn’t have to be narcissistic for you to say that this is just too much.

This is a man who sent you a gif for Christmas and made sure you knew he’d bought his ex a present. That’s not accidental. It’s not a health condition that you need to be accommodating of.

Nor is him offering at best vague platitudes as you go through a difficult divorce while expecting you to indulge his sulking if he hasn’t seen his kids in a couple of days.

Even if he is a highly sensitive person, it’s possible for him to also just be selfish and lazy.

There will always be an excuse why this man does not behave kindly and considerately in your relationship.

Sometimes we are just not willing to see the bad in people, we excuse and believe no one could intentionally want to cause harm and hurt, but they do op, some characters move along in life destroying other people, ex wives, girlfriends, children without any remorse.

If you feel he could have narcisistic traits, I would protect yourself. They are wolves in sheeps clothing and come in very pretty packages with very sweet dispositions, this is not their true selves. You've had a hint of this, no presents on special ocasions, realising he doesn't think of you when apart, a hsp does not behave like this, they overly attend to you and think of you.

Nothing in his behaviour suggests this, these types also create a smokescreen, whilst you're busy analysing him, looking forward to your next fix of him in the flesh they are aligning themselves up with other 'special friends' who like to resuce them.

He really isn't the softie you think he is.
Don't wait around for the mask to drop is all I can say.

Mind you, good sex, OP!! I turned a blind eye, for as long as possible, to increasingly overt psychosis because a DP was hot in bed. Talk about an inconvenient truth 🤐

I will try be hyper vigilant and see what it teaches me on how I shift my responses

So, is this like some kind of hobby?

You won’t leave, I also agree with the poster that said the post has been pointless, I know myself I would not put up with this for a second, but you aren’t me so you have to do what you feel is right for you, I do think though you could be posting about the same issues here within the next 12 months and going round and round in circles. Good luck though op.

He sounds like an insufferably navel-gazer with egocentric tendencies to me.

OP you've said that you think @PassionPeach 's husband sounds like your ex.

So you've gone from one very sensitive and draining/narcissistic partner to another one?

FGS. You need to do the Freedom Programme, pronto.

Please stop trying to mend broken, useless men.