He is highly sensitive, and what was cute, is starting to annoy me... can this work?

[Fullofdoubtsme]

I've been dating for about 1 year after my previous 20 years relationship broke down. That previous relationship was toxic and I was constantly walking on eggshells not to trigger his emotional abuse.
Now this new man is different in many ways, we are very much in love, he is super caring, attentive, we have similar interests, is patient... he is generally calm but he is extremely sensitive, gets easily anxious and worried. We can both see how this links with lack of self confidence and other fears, and he has done a lot of a self awareness and improvement work, so he acknowledges whats going on, but it still means he is almost always tired, overwhelmed, anxious over everyday things... like work or possible promotion or time with his kids, or having to buy something or before a trip. I worry that this can become a different type of toxic dynamic, even if not what he intends. If I have to walk on eggshells now not to say what I'm thinking and upset him, as it'll make him more anxious and distant, is this relationship right for me? All I want is to feel free and spontaneous. And have someone I can have a conversation without overthinking... I'm being careful to say things, trying to be empathetic and I know he doesn't have to think like me, I'm much more objective and bulldoze over my feelings as been on surviving mode for so long, so I'm not saying I have work to do too. But I worry he'll stop saying what he feels as wont want to listen to what I have to say or worry it'll annoy me, and I'll stop resonding for fear of hurting him and holding back, which will make us distant. He is shy and can go quiet and in his head, whereas I want to talk things through...
I just dont want another emotionally draining relationship, but I can also see us being able to be very happy together as we do sync in many other areas and even if we feel differently, we often agree on things. It's just he cant help being emotionally triggered.

Also I find it hard to believe his marriage ended as it did.

Not credible that someone so needy left through boredom.

I bet his ex could tell you a thing or two.

I've just read through all your posts, OP, and I was about to post something very like this. I would love to know his wife's views on him and their marriage.

Also - I'm currently reading the Lundy Bancroft book and "Mr. Sensitive" screamed out at me. This man is draining you.

He sounds like Colin Robinson, the energy-draining vampire on What We Do In The Shadows.

I do not think this relationship is going anywhere. It should not be so difficult in these early stages. It isn't worth this degree of angst just to have good sex.

Do you know what your problem is? You need to talk to him.

You don't acknowledge or trust your own thoughts and feelings. You can be swayed.

Hence it is easy for him to tell you what you want to hear. This very likely and you will feel relief.

It doesn't matter that it's bollocks and will cause you further pain.

That is the abusive cycle.

Next time around, it's harder. After 1 year it's hard - what will it be like after sunk costs of 2 or 3?

Hi everyone

So thankful for all your messages...

Ok I'm convinced. Will talk to him but start detaching... Hopefully for his sake he will look for help as I agree with others he has medical issues and could get help to have a better life himself.

@Workawayxx @Corrienation like your practical suggestions too see if he gets the message :) he prob will no longer see me as Ms Right when I stop being so... "understanding" (aka stupid!)

Lots of love xxx

He sounds a little bit like my ex boyfriend. Have you done any research on fragile narcissism? He really sounds very selfish.

Read your last message back OP… then ask yourself: why do you think it’s your job to rescue him?

Do you think he’s busy worrying about your problems and trying to think of ways to overcome them for you?

I wouldn’t be doing any researching on any shite for a new sex partner. OPs already thrown away months of her life on another prick. Why even have an excruciating conversation? Just say ‘this isn’t working for me, all the best, byeee!’, leave him to weep and navel gaze in his own time.

You said you dated a lot of men after your divorce and "nothing better came up".
Hardly a ringing endorsement of this man.
I really would not waste time and money and energy on counselling.
This bloke sounds like a complete drain.

So true.

I have NEVER heard of a man taking on any woman as a project and trying to fix HER.

Much less bending himself out of shape to accommodate her batshit self absorption.

Men have a far better radar to protect themselves from women that might require some effort, aka from "drama" types, "hard work" types, "too selfish" types.

They are largely ruthless in quickly weeding out anyone who will demand much/anything of them.

OP, I think it will be very interesting to watch how he reacts to you brushing off his stresses.

You could well find yourself called hard, unfeeling, selfish, thoughtless.

I would bet money his wife cut him lose.

Men like him are harder work that toddlers, you wouldn't long be going off them, no matter what shapes they could throw in bed!

I just haven’t got the emotional fucks to give to such self inflicted drama for anyone except my small children. Basically if you can’t reframe to him his attitude and he understand then he’s just a drain. . Eg his angst over you didn’t put a second x or whatever. ‘Honey honestly if you took a small portion of the energy you are putting into angsting about this and put it into making me feel loved I’d be so much happier and I’d feel loved which would be nice! I buy you presents etc do nice things and you don’t seem to think to be nice to me like that. Maybe you could rechannel some of that effort a little and we’d both be much happier?

He is shy and can go quiet and in his head, whereas I want to talk things through...

Is he ?
Or rather he uses the silent treatment, sulks and stonewalls to get his own way. There are a number of red flags about this bloke and I do think your dynamic is clouding your judgement, maybe you earn more or are more financially stable, don't take that as being more in control.

This one knows what he's doing, puppy dog eyes and all about him, wrapped up in an stunning physical exterior, he knows you are nuts about him, willing to twist and turn to his demands whilst he gives very little back.
The relationship seems unequal, yet he has you thinking it's his deficits that are the problem.

I reckon he knows exactly what he's doing, he's not shy, sensitive and lacking in confidence, I think he's quite the opposite and thinks he's above taking you into account.

Sit back, stop doing all the running and watch exactly how much effort he puts into your relationship, I've a feeling he will get "bored" again.

You may have met your match with this one, you just don't don't understand the new tactics or rules.

The whole 'why didn't you put a heart on the end of your text' thing - game over! Run. Fast and far.

He's being controlling and making you walk on eggshells. It doesn't matter WHY.

You should feel comfortable being around your partner. Not have to fret about what you say every moment. I mean, I'm sure that rings familiar bells for you after the last ex.

Best case scenario, you end up acting like this guys mum and turned into a neurotic mess. Worst case scenario, he is just a different type of abuser to your last one.

I get it, he's cute and the good parts are good...and did we mention how cute he is already? xD But honey, cute isn't worth your sanity. Or your soul.

The whole 'why didn't you put a heart on the end of your text' thing - game over! Run. Fast and far.

He's lying about this by the way, he probably doesn't give a crap, but he knows this draws you into to the facade of him being caring.

Someone who cares so much about hearts woudn't have given you jack shit for your birthday or Valentines.

He's selectively sensitive to keep you on your toes.

Essentially you fancy the pants off him and he knows it, the rest of it is you finding excuses for his poor behaviour.

Essentially you fancy the pants off him and he knows it, the rest of it is you finding excuses for his poor behaviour

Yep. Nailed it.

@Asuitcase 👏👏👏.

Re read these posts, very very believable.

It all makes sense but don't think he does this strategically. It just comes from his insecurities and needs. He is a good guy and much much more self aware than my ex and he shows care in different ways if not with gifts...

But yes I deserve better and should know better. And can see how this all is self centered behaviour. Obviously with my ex I loved him at the beginning and found excuses for his behaviour, feeling sorry for him and adjusting so he wouldn't be upset. This may have a different outcome and come in a different shape but I see the strong similarities.

Its me taking mum/saviour/fixer/stronger person role again, which doesn't work and quickly forgetting what I want or who I am to adjust to him.

And yes, putting my physical needs first. I really struggled with intimacy for 10 years, didn't want to have sex with ex at all, so now I rediscovered it, maybe I am keeping him close for it and trying to work other things around it... hadn't considered it... But I defo don't want that only, I want an easy partnership which this doesn't seem will be...

:(

I think the heart comment is quite relavant.

In what context did he say this ? without any prompting of other conversation or did it go like this ?

You were annoyed at his lack of effort with your birthay present and card, and his lack of sensitivity in his card with his words.
You then told him or he sensed it after the fact and THEN he threw in the comment

"well you didn't even put a heart on my card"

He's twisted it to appear the victim, you back down feeling bad for not putting a heart on his card, you will have to try harder next time.

You sound confused and this is exactly how they make you.

It wasnt like that. We text a lot and are in the habit of putting emojis, gifs etc.. and usually add hearts at pics or cute messages. So its happened twice, once with a pic and once with a text, i didnt add a heart where I usually would and he asked about it.
Maybe we were in a low for some silly reason, sometimes I do get tired of his self inflicted drama and go a bit cold, but I didnt intently not put the heart... so now if I see a pic I worry about slapping a heart before he sees I saw the pic and didnt, and start to overthink it...
Gosh this is bad 🤦‍♀️

And I wasnt annoyed with him for lack of gifts or basic messages. Didnt mention anything, in a way I'm a bit used its his way now. But I just wondered why he never thought of doing it if he knows how nice it feels to get them. I wouldn't complain about it as dont want him to do it because I ask and he's then worrying about it...

I'm so glad you've decided to end it.

He's really controlling, imagine asking another adult in all serious why they didn't heart emoji a picture. I like to think if anyone asked me that it would be a joke! Blimey OP like I said earlier I'm glad that you're becoming so switched on to how suffocating and manipulative this behaviour is.

I'm not saying he's pure evil, he might not be doing most of this stuff consciously, but as PP have said - the end result is you are second guessing yourself and that's NOT what a divorcing woman coming out of an abusive relationship needs. You need to drive a fast car with the wind in your hair, or something.

Also - giving presents for birthdays is a basic not an optional extra. Make sure you're able to speak up openly about what you want in your next relationship, even if those things seem frivolous. (they aren't)

But you deserve to get gifts.
You love giving them and he doesn't reciprocate, which saddens you.
And you do not feel able to tell him this because he's so sensitive that it'll upset him.
That is really unfair and unequal.

Some people like to give gifts and treats others dont and it’s not necessarily related to finances

However I think in this case you should tell us more about his finances because if he was even a hint of tight then I would say run a mile!!

One thing I cannot stand is greed, tightness and being mean with money!

All of those things have nothing to do with not being materialistic

Has he bought you lunch? do you go halves? Where do you eat when you are together? His place or yours?

Sensitivity and insecurity is generally seen as acceptable in women but not in men.

I don't think sensitivity is a negative attribute in anyone if in the genuine sense (acute awareness of things) but it is in everyone if used in the often-seen sense of "highly demanding and self-centred".

It's not a sex or gender thing. If more men want to have partners who are insecure etc that's their business. My partner is insecure about some things, aren't we all, he doesn't use it as a way to try to regulate and control me though.

Seriously? Did you read the thread?