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Original poster

He is highly sensitive, and what was cute, is starting to annoy me... can this work?

229 replies

Fullofdoubtsme · 10/05/2023 08:12

I've been dating for about 1 year after my previous 20 years relationship broke down. That previous relationship was toxic and I was constantly walking on eggshells not to trigger his emotional abuse.
Now this new man is different in many ways, we are very much in love, he is super caring, attentive, we have similar interests, is patient... he is generally calm but he is extremely sensitive, gets easily anxious and worried. We can both see how this links with lack of self confidence and other fears, and he has done a lot of a self awareness and improvement work, so he acknowledges whats going on, but it still means he is almost always tired, overwhelmed, anxious over everyday things... like work or possible promotion or time with his kids, or having to buy something or before a trip. I worry that this can become a different type of toxic dynamic, even if not what he intends. If I have to walk on eggshells now not to say what I'm thinking and upset him, as it'll make him more anxious and distant, is this relationship right for me? All I want is to feel free and spontaneous. And have someone I can have a conversation without overthinking... I'm being careful to say things, trying to be empathetic and I know he doesn't have to think like me, I'm much more objective and bulldoze over my feelings as been on surviving mode for so long, so I'm not saying I have work to do too. But I worry he'll stop saying what he feels as wont want to listen to what I have to say or worry it'll annoy me, and I'll stop resonding for fear of hurting him and holding back, which will make us distant. He is shy and can go quiet and in his head, whereas I want to talk things through...
I just dont want another emotionally draining relationship, but I can also see us being able to be very happy together as we do sync in many other areas and even if we feel differently, we often agree on things. It's just he cant help being emotionally triggered.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 10/05/2023 17:34

@Freefall212

Eh? I literally agreed that most women don't adhere to outdated and sexist stereotypes...

... many women work and voice their thoughts and opinions every day. Many are active and have agency in their own lives, many take risks and make their own decisions. Many women are competent, capable adults who do not live solely under the shadow of men.

Agreed. As I made clear in my previous post.

Based on your recent reply I can only assume that you weren't actually up for reading my posts properly, as you've neglected to notice me agreeing with you on this, so I'll leave it there.

Mojoj · 10/05/2023 17:36

llareggub · 10/05/2023 08:17

I felt exhausted just reading that.

I can’t deal with emotionally triggered people. Even the phrase winds me up.

This. If I was you, I'd call it a day. Otherwise you're just swapping one emotionally draining relationship for another. Life is short. I wouldn't waste it worrying about everything that comes out of your mouth.

Original poster
Fullofdoubtsme · 10/05/2023 17:47

Ok i will update you all on what happens. I'd still prob talk to him and try some of the strategies some mentioned but can see things way more clearly and will feel fine and stronger to end it if no hope (which I agree probably there isnt but I'm an optimist, who knows, a social experiment)
I prob wouldnt go back into the market anyhow after him for a while. Agree it'd be good to have some me time.

OP posts:
PassionPeach · 10/05/2023 17:52

I hate to piggyback off this, but going through a similar thing. Together for several years with a house and like you I feel like I can't say anything for fear of upsetting him. He's highly sensitive to criticism in all aspects of our relationship. If I ask him to pick up hair from the sink, he sulks. If I pick him up on the way he's spoken to me, he sulks. He's very quick to retaliate with 'yeah, but you did/said _'. Very childish behaviour that has honestly turned me off him to the point we haven't had sex for 8 months now. He is always very tense during and so am I, for fear of saying/doing the wrong thing there too. Whole thing is a mess. Have spoken to him about it several times but it always ends with me in tears and being made to feel it is my fault. I've told him he needs to speak to someone as it is obviously coming from somewhere and I can't help him with that, but he refuses and say I need therapy - despite me being on a waiting list to be seen already. I can't do much else.

So yeah. I understand your pain. I feel trapped. I know I'm not, but I feel like I am. If I leave, he will make me feel like a villain (he already says he feels he puts more into this relationship than me, and that in past relationships, he was always the one doing all the running around), and I have no idea what to do about the house. It would destroy him if I left, but living like this is destroying me. I can't even put blinds on my own front room window without fear of backlash for it.

You have my sympathy OP. <3

OrbandSpectacle · 10/05/2023 18:02

It would destroy him if I left

I somehow doubt it. He'd just find another compliant woman. He survived his previous relationship breakdowns.

PassionPeach · 10/05/2023 18:07

I somehow doubt it. He'd just find another compliant woman. He survived his previous relationship breakdowns.

I suppose I meant it would blow his life to bits. He would have to move back in with his mum and siblings probably as I don't think he could afford the house by himself.

OrbandSpectacle · 10/05/2023 18:14

Don't be a passenger in your own life, PassionPeach. We only get one go.

Original poster
Fullofdoubtsme · 10/05/2023 18:15

@PassionPeach sorry to hear that but that feels like my ex. Run! I'm still a bit trapped but make small gains every day.

Current one isnt like that exactly (yet). But I plan to never share a house with anyone else anyway. Need to be able to get free anytime. Anyway, most things he's upset about are outside us, with me he is still okay... but that will change when I stop being too careful around him for sure. He says appreciate how objective I am and knows when I tell him straight its to help him, says admires my resilience and level headedness, but has also said I can be "too tough" at times (remember this is me holding back and being gentle! Lol)

OP posts:
SoTired12 · 10/05/2023 18:15

Personally I'd get sick of that, each time he said "I'm just sensitive" would annoy me more and more. It would go from finding him "adorable" to finding him weak.

Original poster
Fullofdoubtsme · 10/05/2023 18:17

@PassionPeach tough on him. But you dont have to suffer so he doesnt. Look after you first. Its super hard as abusive men guilt trip you like crazy but just shut your ears to it. Loads of great resources around and many suggested on this thread which I will defo get to. These conversations are so so helpful

OP posts:
Original poster
Fullofdoubtsme · 10/05/2023 18:19

@SoTired12 yep I'm starting to think less of him for it... but feel bad as depression and autism or other things mentioned here can be treated if he wants, and he could become stronger and a better partner... but its wether I want to be beside him for the heavy lifting with zero guarantees of success...

OP posts:
SoTired12 · 10/05/2023 18:33

@Fullofdoubtsme I don't think it's something that can be treated tbh, it's just the way he is. I know what you mean about feeling bad but it's not your fault if you aren't truly compatible. You really will find yourself walking on eggshells trying not to upset him, and even when trying your hardest there will still be times something you say or do 'hurts' him and the resentment will just continue to build up.

I am speaking from my experience though, the way you've described how your feeling is like how I did but yours could be a bit different.

TheShellBeach · 10/05/2023 18:48

Fullofdoubtsme · 10/05/2023 18:19

@SoTired12 yep I'm starting to think less of him for it... but feel bad as depression and autism or other things mentioned here can be treated if he wants, and he could become stronger and a better partner... but its wether I want to be beside him for the heavy lifting with zero guarantees of success...

Autism does not need to be treated, OP.
Neither should it be.

PassionPeach · 10/05/2023 18:56

@Fullofdoubtsme

Thank you! I am seeing it for what it is now. Keeps saying I have changed since we moved into the house but I know it's just because he has seen me become more resentful and upset with his behaviour. Any sane human would withdraw with the behaviour he has displayed over the years. I've got everything people have suggested in here bookmarked and made a note of. Getting to the end of my tether and I fully intend to resolve this, no matter what, this year.

@OrbandSpectacle

I'm trying. He hasn't enjoyed me taking my life into my own hands and has accused me of not putting as much effort into our relationship. I plan to take life by the balls this year and not let any treat me for a mug any more.

Asuitcase · 10/05/2023 18:58

So basically he's shat on his wife, fed you a different story and had you as back up.

He doesn't want to let go of his old life and is feeling sorry for himself and you have to listen to him, crying and being depressed.
I hope you didn't leave your husband for this Adonis, your post about the ex husband being abusive by guilting you, sounds on point.

He's just another selfish loser and this situation is going to get worse as the sex dissapates, he's not sensitive he's self absorbed and his efforts are with his family at the moment.

Don't be second best, ged rid and make him grow up.

Hopefully you can find someone who walks the walk instead of just talking the talk, with his text conversations that are no doubt interspersed with sexual promises from you.

The pp was right, he's a user.

LuckyPeonies · 10/05/2023 19:00

Way too much work, OP. You are not required to accommodate someone else to where it negatively impacts you. Stop catering to him, be completely yourself, and if he can’t cope, let him leave.

Doyoumind · 10/05/2023 19:01

PassionPeach · 10/05/2023 17:52

I hate to piggyback off this, but going through a similar thing. Together for several years with a house and like you I feel like I can't say anything for fear of upsetting him. He's highly sensitive to criticism in all aspects of our relationship. If I ask him to pick up hair from the sink, he sulks. If I pick him up on the way he's spoken to me, he sulks. He's very quick to retaliate with 'yeah, but you did/said _'. Very childish behaviour that has honestly turned me off him to the point we haven't had sex for 8 months now. He is always very tense during and so am I, for fear of saying/doing the wrong thing there too. Whole thing is a mess. Have spoken to him about it several times but it always ends with me in tears and being made to feel it is my fault. I've told him he needs to speak to someone as it is obviously coming from somewhere and I can't help him with that, but he refuses and say I need therapy - despite me being on a waiting list to be seen already. I can't do much else.

So yeah. I understand your pain. I feel trapped. I know I'm not, but I feel like I am. If I leave, he will make me feel like a villain (he already says he feels he puts more into this relationship than me, and that in past relationships, he was always the one doing all the running around), and I have no idea what to do about the house. It would destroy him if I left, but living like this is destroying me. I can't even put blinds on my own front room window without fear of backlash for it.

You have my sympathy OP. <3

He's manipulating and gaslighting you. Leave!

Livelifelaughter · 10/05/2023 19:02

Fullofdoubtsme · 10/05/2023 08:38

Thanks everyone this is so helpful.
@GuevarasBeret yes I see similar traits of being afraid of rejection which is what caused the narcissistic abusive behaviour in my ex. In him, it seems to not do that, but rather bring him down and I dont want to be soothing him all the time, I need looking after too...
He is independent and takes initiative which are great and is just so, so adorable to be with, we are at the height of being super in love, but maybe my bar was sooooo low I am allowing these big red flags too easily?

The first relationship after a divorce can be really difficult. I remember I just wanted to be loved.
He sounds as though his emotional needs will come before your own and that will become draining unless you can adopt an attitude of " leave him to it". But you may not want that type of relationship. He honestly may well benefit from CBT. Anxiety can flare up but it can also be managed and treated.

PassionPeach · 10/05/2023 19:05

@Doyoumind

Yeah I am seeing that now. My ex did the same. I must have mug written across my forehead. That, or my neurological condition means I am blind to it.

Asuitcase · 10/05/2023 19:11

@PassionPeach

There's nothing wrong with you, it's him.

Now stop doubting yourself and make plans to get away from this manipulative, reality distorting, crazy making man.

PassionPeach · 10/05/2023 19:20

@Asuitcase

Thank you. I will, don't you worry. Sorry for hijacking your thread OP. I just feel like you posted this at a time here I needed it most.

Here if you need me!

Original poster
Fullofdoubtsme · 10/05/2023 19:32

Sorry @TheShellBeach i meant accept, understand and learn how to manage.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 10/05/2023 19:46

@PassionPeach he is just another user.

His housing issues are not yours.

Please don't sacrifice your one life for such a selfish loser.

It's not you, it really is him.

Start organising yourself and get that house valued if you have to sell, but get him out of your life.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/05/2023 19:49

Do YOU think this relationship is right for you? It sounds like a nightmare. Guaranteed you wl be walking on eggshells again.
You've only been seeing him for a year. I'd be off.

Neverthinkjustdo · 11/05/2023 01:18

PassionPeach · 10/05/2023 17:52

I hate to piggyback off this, but going through a similar thing. Together for several years with a house and like you I feel like I can't say anything for fear of upsetting him. He's highly sensitive to criticism in all aspects of our relationship. If I ask him to pick up hair from the sink, he sulks. If I pick him up on the way he's spoken to me, he sulks. He's very quick to retaliate with 'yeah, but you did/said _'. Very childish behaviour that has honestly turned me off him to the point we haven't had sex for 8 months now. He is always very tense during and so am I, for fear of saying/doing the wrong thing there too. Whole thing is a mess. Have spoken to him about it several times but it always ends with me in tears and being made to feel it is my fault. I've told him he needs to speak to someone as it is obviously coming from somewhere and I can't help him with that, but he refuses and say I need therapy - despite me being on a waiting list to be seen already. I can't do much else.

So yeah. I understand your pain. I feel trapped. I know I'm not, but I feel like I am. If I leave, he will make me feel like a villain (he already says he feels he puts more into this relationship than me, and that in past relationships, he was always the one doing all the running around), and I have no idea what to do about the house. It would destroy him if I left, but living like this is destroying me. I can't even put blinds on my own front room window without fear of backlash for it.

You have my sympathy OP. <3

Pro tip: He can't make you feel like a villain if you block his number once you've left him.

Also, you don't owe anyone a relationship. You can leave for any reason you like. Or no reason at all. Literally 'I'm just not feeling it anymore' is a perfectly acceptable reason to end it.

Your partner is a nasty, manipulative headfucking wanker. Time to leave.