He is highly sensitive, and what was cute, is starting to annoy me... can this work?

[Fullofdoubtsme]

I've been dating for about 1 year after my previous 20 years relationship broke down. That previous relationship was toxic and I was constantly walking on eggshells not to trigger his emotional abuse.
Now this new man is different in many ways, we are very much in love, he is super caring, attentive, we have similar interests, is patient... he is generally calm but he is extremely sensitive, gets easily anxious and worried. We can both see how this links with lack of self confidence and other fears, and he has done a lot of a self awareness and improvement work, so he acknowledges whats going on, but it still means he is almost always tired, overwhelmed, anxious over everyday things... like work or possible promotion or time with his kids, or having to buy something or before a trip. I worry that this can become a different type of toxic dynamic, even if not what he intends. If I have to walk on eggshells now not to say what I'm thinking and upset him, as it'll make him more anxious and distant, is this relationship right for me? All I want is to feel free and spontaneous. And have someone I can have a conversation without overthinking... I'm being careful to say things, trying to be empathetic and I know he doesn't have to think like me, I'm much more objective and bulldoze over my feelings as been on surviving mode for so long, so I'm not saying I have work to do too. But I worry he'll stop saying what he feels as wont want to listen to what I have to say or worry it'll annoy me, and I'll stop resonding for fear of hurting him and holding back, which will make us distant. He is shy and can go quiet and in his head, whereas I want to talk things through...
I just dont want another emotionally draining relationship, but I can also see us being able to be very happy together as we do sync in many other areas and even if we feel differently, we often agree on things. It's just he cant help being emotionally triggered.

Thanks @Goodread1
Wish there was a poll function here 🤣 (kidding!!)
No hope of talking it through to him and explaining my worries? I did lightly already. Can be more objective and say unless he is ready to work on it, it'll end.

I've been in a long relationship where I was always the 'strong' one. In the early days, I was pleased to be helping out in someone's life; he was very grateful and sung my praises. The goods outweighed the bads.

But our roles grew - by the end I was always the strong one. Every day. Every situation. And he expected it. He was affronted if I was ill or had a problem of my own. His own feelings were more important than mine, so why should my problems impact on his life??! I lost any attraction or respect and was just resentful.

A relationship is a two-way thing, and at its core is trust. If you can't be honest with him for fear of his response, well then you don't have that trust. If you can't be honest about your worries, how will he support you in them? What happens if something truly awful happens to you - will he be strong and supportive for you, for a sustained time, or will he just go quiet and disappear for a while?

Where does he think you should get your main support from if you need it? Or does he think you shouldn't need it?

I see your point about living apart, not merging lives, and you may find that works for you. But it's already starting to annoy you. Is this relationship stopping you finding someone who doesn't annoy you, and who supports you? Would you be happier single?

Don’t have joint therapy about this. Have your own therapy to figure out why - while still in the midst of divorcing your awful husband - you’re feeling the need to
contort yourself to manage his emotions and self-esteem.

You’re one year in and have no desire to live with him. If you’re having to involve counsellors to make it work… honestly… being single is better than that.

Yes op, iota all about compatibility.

he has done a lot of a self awareness and improvement work
A lot? I feel sceptical about this considering that you also say
if I forget to put a heart on a picture he will ask where it is as he thinks it means something
If that's what he's like after improving himself, I pity his ex-wife. But honestly, it just sounds to me like he has not tried to change.
i told him.he may need therapy or pills for a while
He's not even had therapy/medication? Has he sought any professional help?

I'd also not want to be his mum and tell him to get therapy. He should be able to work that out himself. I'd lose respect if I had to point something like that out to a 40yo man.

This sounds exhausting. I wouldn’t have the patience to tip toe around someone’s feelings all day.
He’s clearly trying his best but it’s no reason to stay with him, you need to put you first. I think men are more attractive when they are confident so the anxiousness would be a put off.

He sounds extremely hard work and absolutely draining.

He has no coping mechanisms and has become a complete snowflake.

I personally couldn't cope with him...but I'm not you.

Am totally empathetic to those who suffer with anxiety as l suffer... but... to get through life and not be a burden on others, l have identified what my triggers are... how l can deal with it ... and ultimately not emotionally dump on others.

In a committed loving relationship it is important to feel you can be your real self at all times.
It seems you are holding back from being your real self in fear of upsetting your partner. The same as you were doing in your marriage.
You can’t even have an open honest discussion with him in case he gets upset at your words.
This is not normal or healthy in a relationship.
You are monitoring your behaviour at all times, how exhausting that must be for you.
It cannot be all about him. You have emotional needs too but this man will never be able to cope with them as he is too busy dealing with his own needs.
I would have a proper open conversation with him and get it all out no matter how harsh it will come across.
If he is not willing to seriously tackle his problems the I would get out.

There is also an element of anyone should be wary of someone who tells them, early in a relationship, that they’re aware of all the red flags but he’s doing meditation etc to sort that out.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft’s Why does he do that? There’s a type in there - Mr Sensitive - that might be worth reading about. Whether he is abusive or not, it’s a way of understanding that your discomfort about feeling the need to manage his emotions and not have needs of your own is indicative of a problem in the way he approaches things. And also that talking a lot about therapy and meditation and fixing his low self-esteem is not necessarily a good sign.

Focus on how this is affecting you, rather than him. Your posts are all so focused on being understanding of him, showing empathy to him, and so on. Even in explaining the problem on MN, you’re putting yourself last and framing yourself as the problem for not being kind and understanding enough.

That is a red flag. And a clear sign that you need some support to ensure you don’t sleepwalk into a different kind of bad relationship. Just because it’s better than it was with your ex, doesn’t mean it’s good enough.

I think what you’re really saying is that he’s not just “sensitive” but suffering from an anxiety disorder.

There are posters on here with apparently diagnosed ADs who report similar - anxiety ofer money, anxiety over promotion - feeling inadequate etc; anxiety over a friend who hasn’t texted - is the relationship over?; anxiety over not seeing their children. Well meaning husbands who say “don’t worry I’m sure everything will be fine” don’t really touch spot.

So yes I think he’s may have GAD. The question is can you live with it? It’s tiring to live with for both parties.

God I find it tedious and irritating just reading about people like this. I know that's insensitive, but over-anxious worriers are not someone I can have a relationship with.

Could he be on the autistic spectrum? Only saying this as my DP and I are and we also get a bit like this. Especially last minute arrangements or anxiety before trips. We can also be over sensitive but because we understand each other neither of us walk on eggshells. Both of us have successful businesses but get overwhelmed easily.

What made me think of this is his good aspects of which are similar to both of us.

Please don't think that I'm the type to label people or bring autism up, its only because your description of him resonates with me and my DP that made me think of it.

This is all so helpful ❤️
I wont see him for a few days so will just ease the texting and have a serious chat face to face when we meet again.
Agree I'm going through a very difficult time and could do with someone stronger to support me for a change.
Also this is kinda small but I get a bit upset he's never given me anything. Well, bought a necklace and a coat at a charity shop we were together but he was getting him stuff too. I always think of him and bring small treats or send something funny to up his mood, but he's been on a few trips and never brought me even a keychain. We are both quite relaxed about material things and I know he's tighf on moneg so I dont expect anything fancy but just a sign he thought about me? I sent him cute long and thoughtful bday and valentines messages and I get a "happy bday" or "happy valentines"... again I'm not needy like that and it doesn't massively bother me but I wonder if its a sign of the "all about me" mode of his... he could think I'm struggling and do something kind.

You can ask him to "work on it" and spend the next ten years watching him remain who he is.

You can go to couples therapy but a year in, one year, and over such a significant incompatibility, why would you?

You seem overly wedded to the idea that if he could only just stop being who he is then you could be with him forever... sod that. He's not for you, it's really that simple. You don't need to contort yourself around his sensitivities, nor do you need to view him like some kind of project to tweak and nudge along. He is not for you. There are loads of humans out there that are not your humans, for various reasons. He is one of them. It's really that simple.

Another thing to mention is that, like your DP are extremely loving, caring and loyal people and although we are strong and can handle a lot, our resilience isn't always there, although we always like to keep strong and positive.

No. Once irritation sets in, it’s doomed.

@GeekyDiva80 yes. We both already mentioned it. He is the type that feels 3 is a crowd. He enjoys his alone time, reading, playing his music and cycling. Could he try to get a diagnose? But accepts is also very needy. He is a smart kind man, and it's obviously something I longed for after my ex, but I see how it would also take a heavy toll on me...
Nothing is perfect but it needs to be more good than bad I suppose, and I need to be careful not to fall into my old behaviours in this new relationship and feed his issues by being too complacent and careful.

@SquidwardBound i do sometimes have the desire to live with him but I know thats the honeymoon phase talking and as we live 50min away and both have young kids we want to live close by, we are unlikely to try any of that for another handfull of years. If we are still together which sounds like we wont :(

Nothing for Valentine's and Birthday, not even a token gesture. on top of his neediness. This will not get better. You've walked right into being an emotional support animal for yet another man. You need to be single for a while and get some boundaries. The Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That book is ideal reading for you.

"Nothing is perfect but it needs to be more good then bad"

Well, exactly. And is it? Because despite his good qualities there do seem to be a number if bad ones which are giving you pause for thought.
I get the impression you're just disappointed in him some of the time. No little gifts, frequent low moods, and (the most worrying) not supporting you at all when you need it for whatever reason. It's too imbalanced. It's too much of you looking out for him while he doesn't return the favour.
The meanness is also deeply unattractive.

Talk to him about it. You've got nothing to lose. You deserve to be heard.

his marriage ended because he said was bored, they didnt have fun anymore and prob was never right for him

He is the type that feels 3 is a crowd. He enjoys his alone time, reading, playing his music and cycling.

OP, have you ever thought about how both of these statements could be true, and what that means for any long-term partner he has?

I think it sounds like a lose-lose situation, personally. You don't want him to be bored, because that led him to break up with his wife (really??) and to some extent to 'break up' his family; and simultaneously you will feel you have to be sensitive to his need to be alone with his reading, music and cycling.

This way madness lies - for you.

OP, each successive post of yours has made this sound less and less like a relationship you should be in - a total frying-pan-to-fire situation.

You’ve got from one controlling man to another - the current one is just the stealth version. It’s all about them isn’t it? Every action, thought, conversation centres their needs above your own, and catering to that can only ever grind you down.

I was kind of agreeing it might be salvageable with therapy etc until your last post. He’s never bought you anything? Even a tiny token that shows he’s thinking of you in any way whatsoever?

Sorry, but even if you manage to get beyond the desperate unattractiveness of a needy, clingy man, the selfishness must surely be a deal breaker? He prioritises only himself and his ‘sensitive feelings’ - there’s no space in his head or heart for you. Get rid.

I definitely think it's worth pursuing for a diagnosis. It will help him understand himself better, it will also help him find relative coping tools and it could help you understand the relationship and could potentially give you the tools you need to grow your relationship further if you would like to.

Sounds a bit like out of the frying pan into the fire. Just a different kind of walking on egg shells and having to police your thoughts and personality to accommodate someone else's sad drama. It's a shame but he is what he is and I doubt he will really change. Putting yourself through another lot of hassle is unnecessary IMO. You deserve better.