He is highly sensitive, and what was cute, is starting to annoy me... can this work?

[Fullofdoubtsme]

I've been dating for about 1 year after my previous 20 years relationship broke down. That previous relationship was toxic and I was constantly walking on eggshells not to trigger his emotional abuse.
Now this new man is different in many ways, we are very much in love, he is super caring, attentive, we have similar interests, is patient... he is generally calm but he is extremely sensitive, gets easily anxious and worried. We can both see how this links with lack of self confidence and other fears, and he has done a lot of a self awareness and improvement work, so he acknowledges whats going on, but it still means he is almost always tired, overwhelmed, anxious over everyday things... like work or possible promotion or time with his kids, or having to buy something or before a trip. I worry that this can become a different type of toxic dynamic, even if not what he intends. If I have to walk on eggshells now not to say what I'm thinking and upset him, as it'll make him more anxious and distant, is this relationship right for me? All I want is to feel free and spontaneous. And have someone I can have a conversation without overthinking... I'm being careful to say things, trying to be empathetic and I know he doesn't have to think like me, I'm much more objective and bulldoze over my feelings as been on surviving mode for so long, so I'm not saying I have work to do too. But I worry he'll stop saying what he feels as wont want to listen to what I have to say or worry it'll annoy me, and I'll stop resonding for fear of hurting him and holding back, which will make us distant. He is shy and can go quiet and in his head, whereas I want to talk things through...
I just dont want another emotionally draining relationship, but I can also see us being able to be very happy together as we do sync in many other areas and even if we feel differently, we often agree on things. It's just he cant help being emotionally triggered.

@sugarapplelane he is something! It's not normal... :( but then its typical of me to see it as a "project" I can fix, like someone put it. It's taken me 20 years to give up fixing my ex out of compassion and sadness for him, and fear. I definetly dont want to go through this again even if at least now I dont get shouted at and threatened.
Too bad sex is so good 😁 On the outside, how he looks, stuff he likes, his values etc. he is exactly the type I longed since I wanted a man really so it makes it harder... but I guess deep down I know if we continue in this dynamic it'll get worse and I'll waste another good years on a unbalanced man.

He doesn’t sound unbalanced though, just very insecure which may or may not be because he’s ASD. Even ADHD traits are ringing bells

Autism doesn't make someone an abusive twat.

Right @sugarapplelane
I'll chat to him and see.
I'm not ready to drop without at least talking more seriously about it, but also need to ready my heart for the real possibility I may need to walk if he can't find middle ground.
I am not afraid of being alone and know I would have men looking for me, but I just hoped he'd be it. Despite these issues, it's easy and calm and we'd possibly be happy. I'm mostly happy with him. But his downs are annoying me more and more.

In my job (which I can escape from and have time boundaries when I am not working) I have to support colleagues who catastrophise about everything, from how to word a simple email to how someone’s eyebrows raised in a meeting and what does it mean, so listen to endless train of thought monologues from people who sound similar to this man. Blimey it’s exhausting and I get paid for it! I would not find it in the least attractive in a partner. It’s one thing to support each other through tough situations, but this is his continuous normal way of living.

I also think that he has said something particularly worrying about the marriage breakdown. Does he think it’s a woman’s role to make the marriage “fun”? He expects fun but then wants it to be just him and you, so he’s saying you’re solely responsible for his entertainment?! Does that mean that he expects everything to be how he wants? He seems to think everyone should do things to his liking/comfort E.g. replying when he thinks they should. If a friend doesn’t reply I think “oh they’re busy or got caught up in something” not assume they don’t want to be friends anymore!

You don’t owe him your time effort or attention. I’m very unsure of how healthy this relationship is for you. I would encourage you to think about what you want from a relationship without contemplating any person, if you wrote a list of things you find attractive and interesting without thinking of a particular person you might see how far away from it he is. Definitely read the Why Does He Do That book and look at the Freedom Program.

Sorry I shave rambled on but it’s as if you have fallen into this situation and are in a bit of a fog, we’re trying to help you see things through a clearer lens.

Wish I could hug you all. Thanks it's been eye opening. Wish me luck. I'll talk to him but shift my expectations. Also don't want to feel like I'm using him to have company through a difficult phase if don't see a future together (which until this morning I did!) so need to talk. I care for him and just want us to be happy - together or not. But he's responsible for his share of happy, not my job.

It is OK to want a partner not a project.

This. I had a year's relationship with a man who sounds very like your boyfriend -- loving, attentive, sensitive, but, (as I got to know him better and came through the initial delight in finding someone with whom the sex was wonderful, and who was very responsive, loving and prioritised me) who emerged as very easily overwhelmed by completely ordinary life things and who was made anxious by deviations from routine.

A parents' evening would mentally take up a full week, taking his children to one of their sport commitments which would normally have been done by their mother during their time with her, would cause a lot of internal noise. Ordinary chores/laundry/shopping that most people would do in the chinks of a weekend devoted to other stuff would take up the entire day and a lot of mental space.

I decided I absolutely couldn't deal with it, though I genuinely loved him. He had clearly been massively-dependent on his ex-wife to field much of the normal stuff of day to day life, and I was absolutely determined not to do that. Basically, I decided I needed someone who was better at life. I don't think it was a matter of conscious strategic incompetence, but the effect on the people around him was the same.

I ended things. We are still friends, and though contact is via WhatsApp now as I live in another country, I think he hasn't changed, despite being in therapy, and I imagine that his new partner (who moved in last autumn) is either wondering what she's done, or is basically being his ex-wife all over again.

It sounds incredibly boring. No penis on earth is worth anyone typing out huge paragraphs, analysing dreary nonsense. Enjoy life. Be highly, highly selective in what males you allow in your life.

Amen!

You say he's really kind but also that he doesn't really support you when you need to talk through something and also doesn't think of you with little gifts/longer texts (just "happy valentines") etc. AND he's very needy of your support and time. How does he show his kindness (other than through great sex - lovely but his needs are getting met too!)? It sounds like the balance is firmly weighted in his favour in terms of effort/energy into and out of the relationship.

In terms of how to deal with his stresses, can you ask him "do you just need me to listen and affirm you or do you want my help/advice?". Sometimes I just want to say to my DP that I'm stressed but he tends to want to advise (often not understanding the full situation and/or advising me on the really obvious thing I should have done xx time ago that would have mitigated the issue - not helpful in the moment!).

I do think that, only a year in, things shouldn't be feeling this hard for you - he should still to some extent be presenting his best self. You can't just keep blindly hoping that self improvement will fix his issues and you have to think about whether you want to be with this person that he is now, in the future.

I thought someone might suggest autism, it had crossed my mind.

However, this is not your thing to deal with. A diagnosis is a huge thing to deal with, it takes years to understand, find strategies to deal with, review your whole life, forgive yourself, push yourself. But the thing is that, anecdotally from my own life and many many threads on here, often men are not prepared to put in that work.

I would leave him to pursue this himself. Please please please don't fall in love with a mans POTENTIAL, please look at what's right in front of you and if that makes you happy. Things should not be this hard such a short way in to a relationship.

Read up about covert narcissism. Just because he seems the opposite to your ex doesn’t mean he is the also somewhat narcissistic in a different way. He is obsessively focused on himself snd his emotions . I couldn’t put up eith with all this meeping.

Oh my! Hard work! There are ways to desensitise yourself- physical combat sports, breathing work, hynotherapy etc.

Also, telling yourself to STFU. I often have moments of feeling some type of way but- nobody can solve this, it just brings other people down so why go there? I choose happy and calm daily, I choose to focus on the many good and positive things and people in my life. Conscious choice.

I used to be sensitive but having to be everything for the kids alone taught me to be tough and self sufficient. Learning there was no sympathy or understanding coming, nobody was going to save me or help and self pity was just a wasted emotion cured me of being sensitive.

Perhaps you just need to tell him to man up

Can I just say, the fact that you are even aware of how problematic this dynamic is, probably shows how far you have come since exiting your previous relationship? In other words, your discomfort is a good thing - you're not feeling a familiar thing of humouring a man's feelings and liking it, you're inwardly going OH NO NOT THIS AGAIN. So even if you aren't ready to end things today, I think you should cherish this new self-preservation instinct.

And yes unfortunately he's a stinker. I read on here once that very often self-proclaimed "sensitive" people are only sensitive to their own feelings, not the feelings of others. Every time he says he's sensitive now I invite you to run through in your mind the question of how that differs from "self-absorbed", "prickly", "selfish", "desirous of ensuring those around me change their behaviour to accommodate me".

The "mr sensitive" someone posted about earlier, that was a great read, it is reminding me strongly of an ex:

• You seem to be hurting his feelings constantly, though you aren’t sure why, and he expects your attention to be focused endlessly on his emotional injuries. If you are in a bad mood one day and say something unfair or insensitive, it won’t be enough for you to give him a sincere apology and accept responsibility. He’ll go on and on about it, expecting you to grovel as if you had treated him with profound cruelty. (Notice the twist here: This is just what an abuser accuses his partner of doing to him, when all she is really looking for is a heartfelt I’m sorry.)
• When your feelings are hurt, on the other hand, he will insist on brushing over it quickly. He may give you a stream of pop-psychology language (Just let the feelings go through you, don’t hold on to them so much, or It’s all in the attitude you take toward life, or No one can hurt you unless you let them) to substitute for genuine support for your feelings, especially if you are upset about something he did. None of these philosophies applies when you upset him, however.

I still remember one day asking him to "shut up a second" as I was driving through a really complicated motorway junction in a horrific hailstorm, couldn't see anything and it was really scary. I apologised for being rude the moment we were through it, and meant it. But the SUFFERING and upset from him went on for at least 2 days. By contrast if he snapped at me or accidentally hurt me (dropped something on my foot say), I was in the wrong for "making him feel bad about it" if I so much as said "ow".

OP,

You have had mostly excellent advice.

Bottom line, after 20 years you have picked another broken needy loser as a project.

You must be shattered.

Reading your posts was exhausting.

I have 4 children teens/20's and they don't sound as exhausting as he is, and that is saying something.

You are drifting into a carer mode at 41.
Why would you do that?

He is utterly self absorbed and selfish.

Kindly meant but your bar after your ex is sub terraining level.

Never acknowledged your birthday, valentines, trips away.....so thoughtless and mean.....in the supposed honeymoon stage.🙄

You sound so nice, but lord you really need to take a break from men.

The best sex in the world wouldn't compensate for his selfish needy self absorption.

Men like him are so tedious as they age....they go on relentlessly about their health and aches.

There is NO fixing him.

Also I find it hard to believe his marriage ended as it did.

Not credible that someone so needy left through boredom.

I bet his ex could tell you a thing or two.

You gave 20 years to an awful man, don't inflict another on yourself or your children.

Throw him back.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk before you go near another man, and read the Lundy book recommendation mentioned, to arm yourself going forward.

I think Lundy Bancroft has a "Mr Sensitive" in his abuser profiles.

Not saying he's Def an abuser but. ...

Anyway He sounds like incredibly hard work and like he can't adult.

If he had his kids more than every 3 days, I bet he'd be stressed about that too.

I briefly dated a guy a bit like this - dudbt self sabotage in work but very highly strung; it quickly became all about him and everything on his terms.

I'm v sorry but I think you've walked into another type of abusive (or at the very least not healthy) relationship.

You need help and a lot of processing after your previous abusive relationship... Not this guy (and not joint counseling with this guy).

I bet his ex could tell you a thing or two.

I suspect that too.

I suspect there's a lot more to the breakdown of his relationship/marriage with the Mum of his kids.

(And in general billy's posts are completely on the money).

"Never acknowledged your birthday, valentines, trips away.....so thoughtless and mean.....in the supposed honeymoon stage*

I missed that - how shitty and selfish.

It’s fine to be anxious now and then about things upcoming, but he’s got to process that anxiety, take steps to deal with it and move on, speaking from someone with anxiety.

has he ever received help, medically or emotionally? Doesn’t sound good to keep tiptoeing around him. He’s got to help himself ideally.

I am married to someone like this (second marriage in my case) and have been for a long time but it didn't manifest itself till maybe 4 years in by which point I had a toddler.

Like you my H had all the characteristics my exH didn't have- sensitive, musical, highly intelligent, a bit 'right on' - he became increasingly volatile if anything in life went wrong, and it became obvious to me he actually quite liked co dependency too . He has many very nice attributes too but I will be Frank he isn't relaxing to live with and can be quite hard work and to some extent, it's all about him. I do care but if I had my time again and could have seen into the future im not sure I would go for someone who is emotionally such hard work -

😅😂 bet he manages to reign it in at work too, because he knows nobody cares.

Try hinting “Sounds tough but you’ll get over it!” “Chin up!” “ awww you can’t decide what to buy from the shop? Sorry! Anyway Jill’s been supporting her husband through cancer for the last six months, gonna drop her a casserole in later. See you at ten!”

etc. Your well of sympathy and attention has run dry. He will get the message pretty quickly!

And in general billy's posts are completely on the money

billy1966's freestyle poems (or so I like to think of them) are always worth printing off and framing 😍

Good luck OP, basically sod that for a game of tin soldiers!

Wolves come in many forms of sheep's clothing.

🤣 love it.

Desperately trying to articulate an opinion better than..."FFS run" or "WRF have I just read?Run".🤣 which tends to be my immediate response to posts like this.