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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Has he cheated?

331 replies

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 17:31

But of background. Me and my partner have been together since 2016, he’s 50 I’m 35. We don’t live together (his choice, he had a difficult marriage before he met me) but we have a fairly nice life. I would do anything for him, treat him well, and “love him like he has never known before” - his words.

The past few months he has been under a lot of pressure at work, drinking more, generally being distant. Whenever he goes to the pub, he basically disappears doesn’t answer my calls and messages. I have also noticed a pattern of him removing my picture from his lock screen during these times - never thought much of it.

Over the past couple of weeks I noticed him calling me a different “pet name” one he has never used before and quickly correcting it, almost a slip of the tongue - again, never bothered me.

I took him away for the weekend last weekend and he was really distant, barely gave me any attention. Spent most of the time on his phone.

Fast forward to this weekend. He was out drinking Friday nite, we had planned to spend the day together Saturday before he goes on a business trip today. I never heard from him the full nite Friday. I arrived at his Saturday and his bedsheets were in the wash, when I took them out for him to hang them up they were covered in blood - obviously hadn’t come out in the wash. I asked if he was ok, he said he has a cut on his back - I looked there was nothing. We were in his room getting ready to go out for the day and I found a discarded pair of women’s underwear also covered in blood. Clearly period blood…. I asked him what was going on.

He grabbed them and quickly rushed off with them. I asked again what was going on. He said they must have been his adult daughters who visited the nite prior. I told him there was no way she would take off her pants with period blood and put them in his room. He then said his adult son must have had a girl back wen we were away the prior weekend and not told him.

I was absolutely stunned to silence… I couldn’t speak. He then asked if we were getting ready to head out. I got in his car and sat in silence for what seemed like an age. He asked if I thought the underwear “belonged to him”. I said obviously not unless he started his period as a male at the age of 50.

We carried on with our day, went to visit his mum, and buy new bedsheets. I was numb the full day feeling totally worthless. I still am. Before we fell asleep last nite he “thanked me for my patience”. This morning I woke and helped him pack for his business trip. Organised his car to take him to the airport. Cleaned his house so it would be nice for his return.

When I returned home he sent me a txt thanking me for all I do for him and telling me he loved me. I replied asking him outright if he was seeing someone else and telling him it would break my heart. And he replied telling me not to be “a silly baby”. I just don’t know wot to think. Has he cheated on me?? Is there any other explanation for this?

please be kind. I’m confused. Apologies for the length of this.

OP posts:
Instantkarmaa · 07/05/2023 17:33

Doesn't sound hopeful, OP 😕

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 07/05/2023 17:35

There was blood all in his bed and periody pants on his bedroom floor? Fuck that.

Even if they're his daughters (which they're not!), it's weird that she would leave them hanging around. I'd be mortified if I'd bled in my dads bed and not cleaned up after myself. That didn't happen.

I doubt he would just freely admit it though. You found stuff he didn't want you to.

It doesn't sound good, sorry op.

GrannieD · 07/05/2023 17:36

How much more evidence do you need ? Dump him and move on !

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 17:38

@ComeTheFuckOnBridgett his daughter didn’t stay the nite, she was visiting for an hour with her dog. I don’t see on which planet she would go into his room and take off her period pants and put them on his floor… at my side of the bed

OP posts:
Emmelina · 07/05/2023 17:39

You already know the answer, Op. bloody underwear in his room? Removing your photo when he’s not around you and being uncontactable?

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 17:39

@GrannieD he’s gone for a week and I’m left totally abandoned with only my own thoughts to drive me insane

OP posts:
PuffinMcStuffin · 07/05/2023 17:40

Come on OP. You know.
You are worth more than this.

Susieb2023 · 07/05/2023 17:40

Sounds like it. I’m sorry I know you’re hurting but surely you see you deserve better than this.

TBH the distancing himself and total lack of attention he gave you last weekend would be enough to dump him!

JustMyOnion · 07/05/2023 17:40

You do know, in your heart that he's just talking shit. Have some self worth and trust your instincts you are worth more than his batshit lies. Out there is a man who is deserving of your love, who will treat you properly.

mischlerischler · 07/05/2023 17:41

You know the answer. He is not worth it.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 07/05/2023 17:41

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 17:38

@ComeTheFuckOnBridgett his daughter didn’t stay the nite, she was visiting for an hour with her dog. I don’t see on which planet she would go into his room and take off her period pants and put them on his floor… at my side of the bed

Even worse then. Sorry. I thought she had stayed the night. Not that it makes a difference.

If she had realised she leaked to the point of changing her knickers, she wouldn't have left them on her dads bedroom floor. But you know that.

I know it's shitty but you're better off without him.

JustMyOnion · 07/05/2023 17:43

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread

slowquickstep · 07/05/2023 17:43

You know he is cheating.

BreviloquentBastard · 07/05/2023 17:44

Honestly out of all this it's calling you a "silly baby" that would be the nail in the coffin for me. I've been with my husband for 17 years and love him to death, but if he called me a silly baby I think my vagina would permanently seal itself shut.

Anyway he's obviously shagged some woman (a nasty one as well by the sounds of it, who leaves their grotty period pants on some bloke's floor?!) so you should just ghost him while he's away. He knows what he's done and doesn't deserve a moment more of your time.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 07/05/2023 17:45

Honestly whether hes had an affair or not, and yes it does sound like it, anyone who called me a silly baby for asking a question as a grown woman with a genuine concern would give me such rage.

I would get rid of his patronising arse personally

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 17:46

@BreviloquentBastard the sad thing is I then found myself apologising for needing reassurance!! I’m not a fan of myself at the moment!!

of course I need reassurance

OP posts:
Hintofreality · 07/05/2023 17:46

You found blood all over his sheets and blood stained women’s underwear in his bedroom and so, you cleaned his house and gave him a lift.
I despair! He’s either having an affair or murdeted someone ffs.

colachive · 07/05/2023 17:48

OP please please block him and learn to love yourself and stick up for yourself. How would you feel if a friend of yours had made this post?! You CLEANED HIS FLAT FOR HIM AFTER FINDING EVIDENCE OF HIM CHEATING!! Please respect yourself more than this 🙏

C1N1C · 07/05/2023 17:48

I've never heard so many proofs in one post!

BananaSpanner · 07/05/2023 17:50

Go and mess up his house again. Get back your self respect and walk away.

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/05/2023 17:50

Sorry op, this doesn’t look good - it defo has OW written all over it. No, there is no other credible explanation I can come up with - his attempts at explanations were woeful. If I was you, I would end it. I’m sorry op but he is blatantly taking advantage of you (you packed his case and cleaned his house? Jeezo), and you are letting him.

sadtoday1 · 07/05/2023 17:50

Hintofreality · 07/05/2023 17:46

You found blood all over his sheets and blood stained women’s underwear in his bedroom and so, you cleaned his house and gave him a lift.
I despair! He’s either having an affair or murdeted someone ffs.

This!

why on Earth did you clean his house? Does he treat you like his maid?

I haven’t even cleaned my own house this weekend! I certainly wouldn’t make that effort for an old geezer who has treated you like an idiot. And calling you a silly baby is just to keep you apologising for questioning him.

are you sure he’s working away and not meeting up with his new love interest?

YouJustDoYou · 07/05/2023 17:50

Oh, OP - yes. He's cheating. And you need to get an STI check. I'm sorry x

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 17:51

@colachive i know. I’m an idiot. I desperately don’t want to believe he’s cheated. I think in my brain I told myself if I continue on normally then everything is ok. But now he’s gone and I’m left alone with my thoughts his explanation of what happened isn’t ok… it’s not believable

OP posts:
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 17:51

@sadtoday1 i know he’s working away, I organised his flights hotel etc

OP posts: