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Original poster

Has he cheated?

331 replies

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 17:31

But of background. Me and my partner have been together since 2016, he’s 50 I’m 35. We don’t live together (his choice, he had a difficult marriage before he met me) but we have a fairly nice life. I would do anything for him, treat him well, and “love him like he has never known before” - his words.

The past few months he has been under a lot of pressure at work, drinking more, generally being distant. Whenever he goes to the pub, he basically disappears doesn’t answer my calls and messages. I have also noticed a pattern of him removing my picture from his lock screen during these times - never thought much of it.

Over the past couple of weeks I noticed him calling me a different “pet name” one he has never used before and quickly correcting it, almost a slip of the tongue - again, never bothered me.

I took him away for the weekend last weekend and he was really distant, barely gave me any attention. Spent most of the time on his phone.

Fast forward to this weekend. He was out drinking Friday nite, we had planned to spend the day together Saturday before he goes on a business trip today. I never heard from him the full nite Friday. I arrived at his Saturday and his bedsheets were in the wash, when I took them out for him to hang them up they were covered in blood - obviously hadn’t come out in the wash. I asked if he was ok, he said he has a cut on his back - I looked there was nothing. We were in his room getting ready to go out for the day and I found a discarded pair of women’s underwear also covered in blood. Clearly period blood…. I asked him what was going on.

He grabbed them and quickly rushed off with them. I asked again what was going on. He said they must have been his adult daughters who visited the nite prior. I told him there was no way she would take off her pants with period blood and put them in his room. He then said his adult son must have had a girl back wen we were away the prior weekend and not told him.

I was absolutely stunned to silence… I couldn’t speak. He then asked if we were getting ready to head out. I got in his car and sat in silence for what seemed like an age. He asked if I thought the underwear “belonged to him”. I said obviously not unless he started his period as a male at the age of 50.

We carried on with our day, went to visit his mum, and buy new bedsheets. I was numb the full day feeling totally worthless. I still am. Before we fell asleep last nite he “thanked me for my patience”. This morning I woke and helped him pack for his business trip. Organised his car to take him to the airport. Cleaned his house so it would be nice for his return.

When I returned home he sent me a txt thanking me for all I do for him and telling me he loved me. I replied asking him outright if he was seeing someone else and telling him it would break my heart. And he replied telling me not to be “a silly baby”. I just don’t know wot to think. Has he cheated on me?? Is there any other explanation for this?

please be kind. I’m confused. Apologies for the length of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 19:22

It’s very widely known in our area we are together. We are a proper couple. The only thing I don’t do is go to the pub he drinks in… I’m not much of a drinker. This is where he was Friday… this is where he is wen I can’t contact him. The woman is likely from there

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 07/05/2023 19:22

I just can get my head around how you practically wipe his arse for him. He has no respect for you, he is exploiting the ‘your kind nature. The more you do the less he respects you, it comes across desperate.
sorry op but you need to pick your self-esteem up from the floor you are worth way more than this.

Blanca87 · 07/05/2023 19:23

*exploiting your kind nature

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 19:25

@Blanca87 im not desperate I just have a big heart. I would do anything for anyone. I have literally emptied my purse onto a table and given friends my last to make sure they are ok. I like to think I don’t have a bad bone in my body. This is why I’m hurting so much. I would much rather he told me the truth and let me make an informed decision, than the obvious gaslighting and having me apologise for seeking reassurance

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 07/05/2023 19:28

Sorry but you picked up period pants suspecting he cheated then packed his car and cleaned his house? That is desperate behaviour. Even if you hadn’t suspected he was cheating, why would you do the above? He is an able bodied adult he can do these things himself. Stop trying so hard and you will find someone who deserves your kindness.

reliefeo · 07/05/2023 19:28

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 19:15

@reliefeo this had made me feel sick like it wasn’t a one off occasion. As a woman u know when u leave someone’s house without pants on?! Omg I can’t believe this

I’m sorry if I have upset you OP It wasn’t my intention- it’s just something someone would do with someone they were super comfortable with ie a long term partner/serious relationship rather than a random ONS. Also who leaves the house without knickers during your period?? - I think she had spares there is in his house - awful 😢

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 19:30

@reliefeo u didn’t upset me he did. She defo doesn’t have anything in his house. I’m there constantly. There’s nothing else belonging to another woman there. There’s pictures up for us in most rooms, a picture of me beside his bed. She’s clearly left in a hurry and left her knickers

OP posts:
KittyAlfred · 07/05/2023 19:30

He’s been having an affair for a while OP.
Why else would he remove from photo from his phone?

reliefeo · 07/05/2023 19:32

OP it’s so shit of him. Perhaps she carries spares in her bag. I wonder did she want you to find them?!

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 19:32

@Blanca87 its not desperate behaviour, I was confused and numb. I didn’t know wot to believe, I didn’t want to make an impulsive reaction and be wrong. If I had flew off the handle and there was a genuine excuse then that would be on me. I can’t be that person. I knew there were things that needed to be done so I helped and then came here for advice as I have no one to go to. I just wanted help, not judgment

OP posts:
WunWun · 07/05/2023 19:33

But what possible excuse could there be?

Threads like this make me feel like an alien.

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 19:34

@reliefeo i suppose whether she wanted me to find them or not I have. And it hurts, I really tried to think of other possible explanations but there’s none. I have to just come to terms with what is happening. He has been messaging since he left before he boarded his flight, acting normal. It’s hurting me more. I feel like I’m going crazy that I’m making this up in my head

OP posts:
Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 19:35

@WunWun i know there are no excuses

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 07/05/2023 19:36

It’s not judgement at all. Strip back what I’m trying to say, he is taking advantage of you and taking the piss out of your low self-esteem. You need validation of him for some reason. You sound like a sweet person but it seems like you’ve lost yourself within this relationship as well as friends.

WunWun · 07/05/2023 19:38

But why are you messaging him like normal when you know he's cheating on you?

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 19:39

@WunWun i haven’t replied since he left. He was letting me kno he was at the airport, then let me kno he was boarding etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 19:42

@Blanca87 i don’t have low self esteem. I’m having a hard time right now but I don’t think badly of myself

OP posts:
AllBlackEverything · 07/05/2023 19:47

Come on now OP. You know what's happened.

Don't spend another second with such a pathetic excuse for a man.

He is working from the gas lighters playbook. I would be willing to bet good money that he did the same with his "awful" ex wife.

Call your friends. I've walked away from friendships where I don't wish to hang around and watch them suffer humiliation from a man who isn't worth their time, but I'd be delighted to receive a call asking me to help them when it's over.

redbigbananafeet · 07/05/2023 19:47

I don't see what other evidence you need. I have a horrible feeling that you'll ignore this though and continue as before.

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 19:48

@redbigbananafeet i won’t

OP posts:
thelionthewitchtheaudacityofTHISbitch · 07/05/2023 19:49

The shock of strong evidence of cheating can take some time to process. But now you have that please please this week take steps to protect yourself. Anything jointly financial - make sure you protect yourself. You are not "protected" at all by marriage. And I am sorry but it is very likely to be a younger woman (again) - mostly women of approx age 50 are not bleeding so heavily during a period that they flood to stain sheets and knickers. It is often a peri-menopausal symptom. So do I wonder with his previous marriage whether he cheated with younger women? (Like you? But appreciate you may not have known)

Pashazade · 07/05/2023 19:49

The thing is OP he has obviously been less than stellar as a partner if he has alienated all your friends because of how's he's treated you. So it seems a very small step to him actually sleeping with someone else. You haven't done anything to cause this other than being a decent loving human being. But you have to break this off, the evidence is so clear. Remove your stuff, put his key back through the letter box and block him on everything. Once you've done that call one of your old friends say you need their help and tell them what's happened I'm sure they'd be happy to support you moving forward if it means you're out from under his control and unpleasantness.

ClementWeatherToday · 07/05/2023 19:50

The one thing in the world I never thought he would do is cheat. He always told me it would “kill him” and that he couldn’t do it to me. He knows it’s a deal breaker. I’ve put up with a lot from him. But it’s the one thing that would be my limit. I honestly thought it would never happen.

My husband has never, in the fifteen years we have been together, told me he would never cheat on me. Nor has he told me he would never hit me. He's just not done those things. The gentleman doth protest too much.

Your whole relationship sounds awful though, and it's precisely because you have put up with other shit from him that he feels he'll be able to get away with cheating too. This is what people mean when they talk about your self esteem - it's not just to do with how you feel about yourself, it's to do with how you allow others to treat you.

You deserve much, much better than him.

muscularcooking · 07/05/2023 19:54

I'm really sorry OP. What a shit he is. I completely get why you would have gone into autopilot in shock when you'd just found out, rather than kicking off.

But you're actually in an alright position now because he's not here to try and sweet-talk his way out of things. Another poster has already advised this but I'll repeat it anyway - first, go to his house and get everything you have out of there. Separate out anything financial. Then, text your friends and let them know what's happening - I bet they'll be delighted you're leaving the guy, and really want to see you again. Make a plan for the week - make sure you have food in, or takeaways; make plans to see people or even just go to the cinema or the gym. And then, when all of that's done, you can tell him to fuck off, and block him.

It will be scary being alone again - but honestly, it will be so much better than being treated like a mug like this. There will be someone out there who will love you, and treat you well.

greyhairnomore · 07/05/2023 19:56

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 17:51

@sadtoday1 i know he’s working away, I organised his flights hotel etc

He can take someone else to a hotel.