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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has he cheated?

331 replies

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 17:31

But of background. Me and my partner have been together since 2016, he’s 50 I’m 35. We don’t live together (his choice, he had a difficult marriage before he met me) but we have a fairly nice life. I would do anything for him, treat him well, and “love him like he has never known before” - his words.

The past few months he has been under a lot of pressure at work, drinking more, generally being distant. Whenever he goes to the pub, he basically disappears doesn’t answer my calls and messages. I have also noticed a pattern of him removing my picture from his lock screen during these times - never thought much of it.

Over the past couple of weeks I noticed him calling me a different “pet name” one he has never used before and quickly correcting it, almost a slip of the tongue - again, never bothered me.

I took him away for the weekend last weekend and he was really distant, barely gave me any attention. Spent most of the time on his phone.

Fast forward to this weekend. He was out drinking Friday nite, we had planned to spend the day together Saturday before he goes on a business trip today. I never heard from him the full nite Friday. I arrived at his Saturday and his bedsheets were in the wash, when I took them out for him to hang them up they were covered in blood - obviously hadn’t come out in the wash. I asked if he was ok, he said he has a cut on his back - I looked there was nothing. We were in his room getting ready to go out for the day and I found a discarded pair of women’s underwear also covered in blood. Clearly period blood…. I asked him what was going on.

He grabbed them and quickly rushed off with them. I asked again what was going on. He said they must have been his adult daughters who visited the nite prior. I told him there was no way she would take off her pants with period blood and put them in his room. He then said his adult son must have had a girl back wen we were away the prior weekend and not told him.

I was absolutely stunned to silence… I couldn’t speak. He then asked if we were getting ready to head out. I got in his car and sat in silence for what seemed like an age. He asked if I thought the underwear “belonged to him”. I said obviously not unless he started his period as a male at the age of 50.

We carried on with our day, went to visit his mum, and buy new bedsheets. I was numb the full day feeling totally worthless. I still am. Before we fell asleep last nite he “thanked me for my patience”. This morning I woke and helped him pack for his business trip. Organised his car to take him to the airport. Cleaned his house so it would be nice for his return.

When I returned home he sent me a txt thanking me for all I do for him and telling me he loved me. I replied asking him outright if he was seeing someone else and telling him it would break my heart. And he replied telling me not to be “a silly baby”. I just don’t know wot to think. Has he cheated on me?? Is there any other explanation for this?

please be kind. I’m confused. Apologies for the length of this.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 10/05/2023 11:16

@Heartbroken87 sounds like you have dodged a bullet- don't think of it as wasted time - it's part of life's tapestry - so many idiots out there - put yourself first in future -

Lostmum2407 · 10/05/2023 11:25

You will get over this. Well done for not messaging him! I’d have found that extremely difficult. You can do so much better. I feel so sorry for period pants. She doesn’t know what he’s like. You however can meet someone new who values you and wants to set up a home. I hope you can meet up with a friend this weekend. You can do this. ❤️

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 10/05/2023 11:38

@Lostmum2407 im finding everything difficult just now. I’m at work again, finding it harder to concentrate today. The lack of food or proper sleep is starting to take its toll. I’m so cold, feel week and my head is all over the place.

but I know I’m doing the right thing, I keep thinking of the anxiety I would feel if I chose to stay with him. How my life would look or how it would end up. I can’t allow myself to go thru anymore. I don’t deserve this

OP posts:
Lostmum2407 · 10/05/2023 11:42

No you certainly don’t deserve this! It sounds like you were very good and caring towards him. After some time you will absolutely love again. You are still young. Be kind to yourself and heal. X

MMmomDD · 10/05/2023 13:01

OP - hard as it is - you dodged a bullet!
You are young and you don’t need to be with a guy 15 years older than you who is treating you like crap. And who has a drinking problem (and resulting liver problems). Why chose an aging alcoholic as a part time partner???

You’ll get over the shock and see that you are much better off without him.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 10/05/2023 14:26

I suspect that message was sent to you deliberately to punish you for having the audacity to not speak to him after what he did.

Asuitcase · 10/05/2023 14:31

Heartbroken87 · 10/05/2023 10:52

Message to the OW sent to me -

Baby!!! I’m obsessed with you already!! You’re just so hot, cool and mine!! 😢🥰❤️🔥

Blimey, this old git really thinks he's still twenty doesn't he ?

You really can do better than this under developed middle aged turd.

He sounds embarassing, you will see this when the pain wears off.

Eggseggseverywhere · 10/05/2023 14:38

Ime when a relationship ends suddenly it's emotional cold turkey. I ended my marriage by text as I knew he would talk me round. Within 3 weeks the dark cloud had lifted and I realised how better my life was already without him!
You can do this op.
You deserve so much more from a man.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 10/05/2023 14:51

Also that message he sent was absolutely tragic 😆

Turfwars · 10/05/2023 15:12

Funny that he sent it by accident. I suspect he knows that you didn't buy a word of his bullshit and that you are breaking away - so this is to punish you. To twist the knife for you daring to leave him - but also he's seeing that you've created a vacancy by leaving and he's hurriedly trying to get his replacement lined up.

You will heal. This is like a bereavement of sorts, and you are grieving for the relationship you thought you had. When it happened to me, I couldn't eat. If that's what it's like for you, try smoothies and soups if you can along with lots of water.

In a few weeks you'll be so very proud of yourself that you stood up for yourself. You'll start to look back and see all the shitty things he did, and you'll probably wonder why you ever put up with any of it - but you may also have those pesky feelings towards him - even if you start to hate him. The head and the heart don't always line up.

Over the next while, have a good think about your version of kindness. You sound lovely but it's very skewed. I'm a really kind person, I would do anything for anyone - but not at the cost of my self worth. Realising that is too high a cost for anyone isn't something that makes you unkind. Basically, there are healthy forms of selfishness that even the kindest of us should routinely incorporate into our lives, and you don't seem to do that at all.

Motnight · 10/05/2023 15:17

Throwncrumbs · 09/05/2023 22:18

Yeah a dirty mare who leaves the sheets all stained and dirty knickers in the floor!

Show quote history

To be fair, I can't disagree! I had missed the stained underwear...

Op - good luck 🍀

monsteramunch · 10/05/2023 15:19

Oh he absolutely 'accidentally' sent you that message on purpose OP.

I suspect he meant for it to hurt you in order to goad a reaction out of you but please let it do a different job and help reframe him as a person to you.

If he did send it on purpose (which he did) then it's proof he's a cruel, manipulative, immature wanker. Nobody wants to be with one of those.

If he didn't sent it on propose (he did, but for arguments sake) then it's proof he's an absolute embarrassment and so cringeworthy it makes my whole body want to turn inside out. Nobody wants to be with someone like that either.

It's a lucky escape, I promise! Flowers

moggiek · 10/05/2023 18:09

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 10/05/2023 14:26

I suspect that message was sent to you deliberately to punish you for having the audacity to not speak to him after what he did.

This - with bells on!!!

Motherofalittledragon · 10/05/2023 20:20

Heartbroken87 · 10/05/2023 10:52

Message to the OW sent to me -

Baby!!! I’m obsessed with you already!! You’re just so hot, cool and mine!! 😢🥰❤️🔥

Dear god that's vomit inducing, stay strong you've dodged a bullet there!

Susieb2023 · 10/05/2023 20:26

Heartbroken87 · 10/05/2023 10:52

Message to the OW sent to me -

Baby!!! I’m obsessed with you already!! You’re just so hot, cool and mine!! 😢🥰❤️🔥

When the dust settles and you start seeing this pathetic nasty creep for who he is, you are going to get the serious ick REALLY BADLY when you think of him!

Hope you got all your things today!

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 10/05/2023 20:44

So I’m now at the crying stage. The stage where I feel ugly and worthless. The stage where I feel this is because I wasn’t enough

OP posts:
Boysmum92 · 10/05/2023 20:47

Y

Boysmum92 · 10/05/2023 20:58

You are not ugly or worthless! Do not allow a man like that make you feel like this, he isnt worth it and you deserve so much better! Some things really do happen for a reason and you will get through this, move on and find someone who appreciates you and who actually loves you. I know it hurts but you just need to stay strong and look forward OP

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 10/05/2023 21:00

@Boysmum92 thank u. I kno it’s all part of the process, I just feel shit tonite xx

OP posts:
Boysmum92 · 10/05/2023 21:04

I know, it will get easier 😘 keep yourself busy and look after yourself xx

BananaSpanner · 10/05/2023 21:22

Did you collect your stuff from his house OP. You said you were going to, please tell me you picked it up and you aren’t wavering.

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 10/05/2023 21:22

I got my things I feel this is why I’m so low tonite, it’s hitting home it’s over

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 10/05/2023 21:24

Heartbroken87 · 10/05/2023 21:22

I got my things I feel this is why I’m so low tonite, it’s hitting home it’s over

Well done. I know it’s devastating but you will look back in time and be so glad you didn’t put up with this. You will get your life back on track and it will be so much better.

scattycow · 10/05/2023 21:26

Just my 2 cents worth;

when you pick yourself up (and do allow yourself time to do that) you will see you def dodged a bullet. Also know that you won’t meet a genuine good person ( there could be many you are missing out on) while you are with a d!ckhead). So this has done you a massive favour. You just don’t see it yet. 🤗

Bobbylives · 10/05/2023 21:28

Heartbroken87 · 10/05/2023 21:22

I got my things I feel this is why I’m so low tonite, it’s hitting home it’s over

It's over but it's a blessing in disguise. You'll see that soon. You'll look back on now and be thankful you found what you did. There wasn't going to be a happy ending with this poor excuse for a man. Genuinely, he, and she, have done you a massive favour.