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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Has he cheated?

331 replies

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 17:31

But of background. Me and my partner have been together since 2016, he’s 50 I’m 35. We don’t live together (his choice, he had a difficult marriage before he met me) but we have a fairly nice life. I would do anything for him, treat him well, and “love him like he has never known before” - his words.

The past few months he has been under a lot of pressure at work, drinking more, generally being distant. Whenever he goes to the pub, he basically disappears doesn’t answer my calls and messages. I have also noticed a pattern of him removing my picture from his lock screen during these times - never thought much of it.

Over the past couple of weeks I noticed him calling me a different “pet name” one he has never used before and quickly correcting it, almost a slip of the tongue - again, never bothered me.

I took him away for the weekend last weekend and he was really distant, barely gave me any attention. Spent most of the time on his phone.

Fast forward to this weekend. He was out drinking Friday nite, we had planned to spend the day together Saturday before he goes on a business trip today. I never heard from him the full nite Friday. I arrived at his Saturday and his bedsheets were in the wash, when I took them out for him to hang them up they were covered in blood - obviously hadn’t come out in the wash. I asked if he was ok, he said he has a cut on his back - I looked there was nothing. We were in his room getting ready to go out for the day and I found a discarded pair of women’s underwear also covered in blood. Clearly period blood…. I asked him what was going on.

He grabbed them and quickly rushed off with them. I asked again what was going on. He said they must have been his adult daughters who visited the nite prior. I told him there was no way she would take off her pants with period blood and put them in his room. He then said his adult son must have had a girl back wen we were away the prior weekend and not told him.

I was absolutely stunned to silence… I couldn’t speak. He then asked if we were getting ready to head out. I got in his car and sat in silence for what seemed like an age. He asked if I thought the underwear “belonged to him”. I said obviously not unless he started his period as a male at the age of 50.

We carried on with our day, went to visit his mum, and buy new bedsheets. I was numb the full day feeling totally worthless. I still am. Before we fell asleep last nite he “thanked me for my patience”. This morning I woke and helped him pack for his business trip. Organised his car to take him to the airport. Cleaned his house so it would be nice for his return.

When I returned home he sent me a txt thanking me for all I do for him and telling me he loved me. I replied asking him outright if he was seeing someone else and telling him it would break my heart. And he replied telling me not to be “a silly baby”. I just don’t know wot to think. Has he cheated on me?? Is there any other explanation for this?

please be kind. I’m confused. Apologies for the length of this.

OP posts:
ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 07/05/2023 18:16

This morning I woke and helped him pack for his business trip. Organised his car to take him to the airport. Cleaned his house so it would be nice for his return.

This bit really got to me! There’s soooo much evidence that he’s playing around but you still did all of this. You really deserve me. Dump this fool. He’s playing you

Eggseggseverywhere · 07/05/2023 18:19

He won't marry you because his playing away days would be over with dw pics all over his sm...
Good riddance to bad rubbish imo.

Cc1998 · 07/05/2023 18:21

OP, he even took you with him to buy new sheets :( You know the answer here.

Keep your head up and tell him he's disgusting and so is his sloppy side piece, leaving her bloody knickers on the floor. Then don't waste another second on him.

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 18:21

The one thing in the world I never thought he would do is cheat. He always told me it would “kill him” and that he couldn’t do it to me. He knows it’s a deal breaker. I’ve put up with a lot from him. But it’s the one thing that would be my limit. I honestly thought it would never happen.

OP posts:
EndsandBegins · 07/05/2023 18:23

That’s really gross op. You should be more horrified than you are. Don’t pretend to him that it’s ok.

Seas164 · 07/05/2023 18:23

You're his cleaner, his PA, his travel agent and his cat burglar when he forgets his keys, and your reaction to finding bloodied sheets on his bed and bloodied knickers in his bedroom is to clean his house?

Yes he is shagging someone else, and yes he is taking the absolute piss out of you. No he doesn't have any respect for you, so you're going to need to get some for yourself.

You've got a week to get his stuff out of your house and vice versa and give yourself a good shake and see what's going on here. Do you have close friends or family OP?

EndsandBegins · 07/05/2023 18:24

You will regret it forever if you stay with him. You will look back at this moment and wish you had walked away with your head held high.

Gawdknows · 07/05/2023 18:24

Fuck me OP ditch this fucking wanker. Fuck knows what's gone on but it's not good & you sound lovely & deserving of much more things, someone who isn't afraid to commit for a start.

Starlitestarbright · 07/05/2023 18:25

Grim ditch him find someone who valve's you and wants a proper relationship not stringing you along.

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 18:25

@Seas164 both my parents died in their 30’s, no siblings, and my closest friends have walked away long ago down to my relationship with him

OP posts:
Eyewantobreakfree · 07/05/2023 18:27

It does seem that has cheated. Don’t feel bad about wanting to believe him, it’s not uncommon to try and avoid the possibility he’s not who you thought he was.
You are only 35, don’t waste your life on him. You are worth so much more than what he is giving you, even if you don’t believe it yourself just yet.

EndsandBegins · 07/05/2023 18:30

Do you friends not like him? Why is that?

HappyMe6 · 07/05/2023 18:30

You say you love him op, can I ask what it is you actually love about him! It seems a very one sided relationship with you doing everything for this grown man child!

Modda · 07/05/2023 18:31

Yes. Sorry x

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 18:32

@EndsandBegins they have seen me treated in a way in which they didn’t agree with and seen me consistently making excuses for his bad behaviour to the point in which it was hurting them and they couldn’t watch it anymore

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 07/05/2023 18:32

why do you stay with him op

its clearly not his sons girlfriend from a week ago is it why would he just be washing it now

why do you clean his house for him you dont live there

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 18:33

@whynotwhatknot he claimed not to have seen the blood until I was hanging the sheet up from the washing machine to dry. He said it must have came from his own back but there were no signs of marks or blood

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 07/05/2023 18:34

What is wrong with you that you have such a strong urge to mollycoddle a man and put him on such a pedestal? Any normal person would hate that, it's too much, so they would end it. This means the ones who stick around and put up with it are ones who love taking advantage of the generosity and lap it up without giving back.
You have fallen into being a convincer, its basically saying "I'll do all these lovely things for you so that you will be nice to me, or at least stay with me". That's a fast track to lose respect and get totally taken advantage of.
Plus, now it's glaringly obvious he's seeing someone else. It could not be less subtle, it's staring you in the face.
Sorry to be so blunt, but you've become a total doormat and need to give your head a wobble.

overwhelmed122 · 07/05/2023 18:36

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 18:32

@EndsandBegins they have seen me treated in a way in which they didn’t agree with and seen me consistently making excuses for his bad behaviour to the point in which it was hurting them and they couldn’t watch it anymore

What else has he done? It doesn't really matter OP I think he knows you are besotted with him & is sadly using that fact to pull the wool over your eyes. I'm sorry you've had it so bad. It sounds like you like to look after him
& like to feel needed. Please work on yourself & get enough self esteem to leave him
& never go back, no matter what he says/does once you have gone.

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 18:37

@Opentooffers so it’s my fault this is happening to me?

OP posts:
cantgetabus · 07/05/2023 18:39

Get rid of him. You deserve better

Susieb2023 · 07/05/2023 18:43

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 18:32

@EndsandBegins they have seen me treated in a way in which they didn’t agree with and seen me consistently making excuses for his bad behaviour to the point in which it was hurting them and they couldn’t watch it anymore

So his behaviour to you has crossed boundaries so often you’ve lost your friends.

You say cheating is something you’d take seriously.

Is it though? He has cheated, that much is clear, is this enough to leave him?

Is this enough to start loving and protecting yourself?

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 18:44

@Susieb2023 I think I know in my heart and my gut he has cheated. If this is the case then I have to leave him. If I accept this then what’s next?

OP posts:
Susieb2023 · 07/05/2023 18:47

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 18:44

@Susieb2023 I think I know in my heart and my gut he has cheated. If this is the case then I have to leave him. If I accept this then what’s next?

You know what you need to do to protect yourself. His behaviour will get worse until you are a shell of yourself. You deserve so much better than this. You deserve a future filled with happiness. Staying with him will rob you of that. Sweetheart this is short term pain for long term gain.

Please please protect yourself.

whynotwhatknot · 07/05/2023 18:48

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 18:33

@whynotwhatknot he claimed not to have seen the blood until I was hanging the sheet up from the washing machine to dry. He said it must have came from his own back but there were no signs of marks or blood

yeah thats a lie isnt it

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