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Original poster

Has he cheated?

331 replies

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 17:31

But of background. Me and my partner have been together since 2016, he’s 50 I’m 35. We don’t live together (his choice, he had a difficult marriage before he met me) but we have a fairly nice life. I would do anything for him, treat him well, and “love him like he has never known before” - his words.

The past few months he has been under a lot of pressure at work, drinking more, generally being distant. Whenever he goes to the pub, he basically disappears doesn’t answer my calls and messages. I have also noticed a pattern of him removing my picture from his lock screen during these times - never thought much of it.

Over the past couple of weeks I noticed him calling me a different “pet name” one he has never used before and quickly correcting it, almost a slip of the tongue - again, never bothered me.

I took him away for the weekend last weekend and he was really distant, barely gave me any attention. Spent most of the time on his phone.

Fast forward to this weekend. He was out drinking Friday nite, we had planned to spend the day together Saturday before he goes on a business trip today. I never heard from him the full nite Friday. I arrived at his Saturday and his bedsheets were in the wash, when I took them out for him to hang them up they were covered in blood - obviously hadn’t come out in the wash. I asked if he was ok, he said he has a cut on his back - I looked there was nothing. We were in his room getting ready to go out for the day and I found a discarded pair of women’s underwear also covered in blood. Clearly period blood…. I asked him what was going on.

He grabbed them and quickly rushed off with them. I asked again what was going on. He said they must have been his adult daughters who visited the nite prior. I told him there was no way she would take off her pants with period blood and put them in his room. He then said his adult son must have had a girl back wen we were away the prior weekend and not told him.

I was absolutely stunned to silence… I couldn’t speak. He then asked if we were getting ready to head out. I got in his car and sat in silence for what seemed like an age. He asked if I thought the underwear “belonged to him”. I said obviously not unless he started his period as a male at the age of 50.

We carried on with our day, went to visit his mum, and buy new bedsheets. I was numb the full day feeling totally worthless. I still am. Before we fell asleep last nite he “thanked me for my patience”. This morning I woke and helped him pack for his business trip. Organised his car to take him to the airport. Cleaned his house so it would be nice for his return.

When I returned home he sent me a txt thanking me for all I do for him and telling me he loved me. I replied asking him outright if he was seeing someone else and telling him it would break my heart. And he replied telling me not to be “a silly baby”. I just don’t know wot to think. Has he cheated on me?? Is there any other explanation for this?

please be kind. I’m confused. Apologies for the length of this.

OP posts:
muscularcooking · 07/05/2023 19:57

Oh, and please get an STI test.

sweetdreamstenasee · 07/05/2023 19:58

You need to leave him because he is cheating on you but even more so than that, he doesn’t seem like he has been nice to you from the start - you said your friends distanced themselves from you because it hurt them seeing how he treated you.

I know it’s hurtful but when you say you have a big heart and would give anything to anyone, that can make people take advantage of you and it doesn’t sound like man has respect for you :( He probably perceives you to be naive and therefor can get away with things? Prove him wrong!

I know it’s scary and you are clearly in shock but it also doesn’t sound like you’re financially dependant on him in anyway because you don’t live with him.

What do you get out of the relationship? as it doesn’t sound he’s very nice to you, he’s also not faithful to you. You’re not dependent on him, he also doesn’t want to marry you and I assume he doesn’t want to have children with you (maybe you don’t want these things either.) What is it about this quite frankly horrible relationship you are scared to lose?

greyhairnomore · 07/05/2023 19:59

Text him it's over then block him if you want it to be over.
Otherwise he'll suck you back in.

Crikeyalmighty · 07/05/2023 20:04

Have you thought OP that whoever this person is might have caught sight of a pic of you and wanted to leave you a clue- she may have had no idea he was with someone either and it pissed her off

I am so very sorry- it's always the most unlikely guys that can turn out to be right shits if the opportunity is there

QueenAstrid · 07/05/2023 20:08

OP I’m sorry for what you’re going through, you deserve so much better than this waste of space. I know it’s hard but you know what you need to do. You’ll thank yourself for it in the not too distant future.

LuckyPeonies · 07/05/2023 20:11

OP, I am stunned you have to ask. Of course he is cheating, and likely has been all along. His refusal to move in with you is probably due to his desire to come and go as he pleases and take women to his apartment whenever he wants, not to a previous “bad marriage”.

You are a young woman with lots of life ahead of you, don’t continue to sacrifice your best years to a man who is horrible to you and does not respect you. You’ve already wasted 7 years on him, dump him.

ELLAMAR00 · 07/05/2023 20:14

Cannot believe you cleaned his house get rid of him you are only 35 he sounds disgusting.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 07/05/2023 20:15

Fuck, I hope you find it in you to tell this horrible cheating twat to fuck off. I rather fear you won’t…

mydoghasanattitude · 07/05/2023 20:16

There's no reasonable explanation for the evidence you've found. He didn't even bother to clean up properly! Not that it would be great if he had, but I find that strange. And then jumping from one excuse/explanation to another... It's simply not plausible. I'd be convinced he's lying, and you may never get an honest answer out of him. Some people aren't willing to come clean, even when they know that their lie is obvious.

You can do better!

randomuser2019 · 07/05/2023 20:16

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 20:16

I am in shock. That’s the best way to explain it. The stunned the silence, the autopilot, the denial, the realisation, the desire to be strong enough to leave. My heads so fuzzy.

OP posts:
sweetdreamstenasee · 07/05/2023 20:18

You’re going to leave him, your life is going to be so much better than it is now :)

randomuser2019 · 07/05/2023 20:19

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

ittakes2 · 07/05/2023 20:20

If he is away for the week take a friend to the pub he goes to on Fridays and see how the regular women react to you. Sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 20:20

@mydoghasanattitude i won’t get an honest answer. I asked for one earlier and I was a silly baby. I know when I tell him I’m done he will have his narrative that I’m crazy and this is all in my head and I’m ruining our relationship for nothing

OP posts:
2021mumma · 07/05/2023 20:23

You clean his flat whilst he is away, you organise his flights and hotels for his work trips - you are his glorified maid. He has no respect for you I’m sorry to say. Move on.

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 20:25

@randomuser2019 yeah u don’t leave dirty underwear at peoples houses unless ur in a hurry to leave or u want them to be found.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 20:26

@2021mumma I was just trying to be a good partner

OP posts:
Liveandsmile · 07/05/2023 20:35

@Heartbroken87 I’m sorry this has happened but I agree with @2021mumma you can be a good partner without being someone’s maid and PA. You have allowed yourself to become a bit of a doormat I’m afraid.
Him calling you a baby, well, he doesn’t see you as an equal. It’s completely patronising.
He obviously cheated, there isn’t any uncertainty.
You seem like a lovely person but lovely people can be taken advantage of, don’t stay or it will continue for the rest of your life. You deserve more. Be brave and make the leap

ladycarlotta · 07/05/2023 20:36

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 18:32

@EndsandBegins they have seen me treated in a way in which they didn’t agree with and seen me consistently making excuses for his bad behaviour to the point in which it was hurting them and they couldn’t watch it anymore

Ah, I was already going to say that he is gaslighting you by calling you a 'silly baby' for asking what is actually a pretty reasonable question given the evidence, but this clinches it. He treats you badly, always has, and your friends have given up because they knew they couldn't get through to you. You know this too.

He's away for a week and you have no ties to him in terms of finances, marriage, house, kids etc - just use this time he's away to get your head straight, and tell him to get in the bin. He's very obviously cheating on you, and even if he weren't he is dismissing your concerns and belittling you for having them rather than addressing them. Please, don't give him any more years of your life. And reach out to your friends, who may well be waiting and hoping that you'd get to this point and will be willing to support you as you end the relationship.

partypompoms · 07/05/2023 20:37

Sounds like you should've ditched him long before this episode. He's a pig.

Choconut · 07/05/2023 20:38

Your friends knew he was a bad one OP and now there's no question. Can you text/phone one of your old friends and tell her she was right and what has happened? Can you get a counsellor so you have someone to talk this all through with and to give you some support? It's so sad when someone treats you in a way you don't deserve OP, and you deserve so much better than this.

Original poster
Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 20:40

I have decided there is no point in asking him to be honest with me about this. I have tried and as opposed to try explain or reassure me he had me apologising for even asking such a thing. This isn’t an unreasonable question given what was infront of me. I need to just walk away. It’s going to be hard, I need to be strong. I will need some hand holding. How do I even do this. Do I tell him it’s over, do I just disappear? Wot do I tell people when they ask?

OP posts:
Mycathatesmecuddling · 07/05/2023 20:44

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 20:26

@2021mumma I was just trying to be a good partner

A good partner wouldnt expect you to do all that stuff

Miscellaneousme · 07/05/2023 20:45

Sorry OP, sounds like he’s cheating. DUMP! And get an STI test.