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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Has he cheated?

331 replies

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 17:31

But of background. Me and my partner have been together since 2016, he’s 50 I’m 35. We don’t live together (his choice, he had a difficult marriage before he met me) but we have a fairly nice life. I would do anything for him, treat him well, and “love him like he has never known before” - his words.

The past few months he has been under a lot of pressure at work, drinking more, generally being distant. Whenever he goes to the pub, he basically disappears doesn’t answer my calls and messages. I have also noticed a pattern of him removing my picture from his lock screen during these times - never thought much of it.

Over the past couple of weeks I noticed him calling me a different “pet name” one he has never used before and quickly correcting it, almost a slip of the tongue - again, never bothered me.

I took him away for the weekend last weekend and he was really distant, barely gave me any attention. Spent most of the time on his phone.

Fast forward to this weekend. He was out drinking Friday nite, we had planned to spend the day together Saturday before he goes on a business trip today. I never heard from him the full nite Friday. I arrived at his Saturday and his bedsheets were in the wash, when I took them out for him to hang them up they were covered in blood - obviously hadn’t come out in the wash. I asked if he was ok, he said he has a cut on his back - I looked there was nothing. We were in his room getting ready to go out for the day and I found a discarded pair of women’s underwear also covered in blood. Clearly period blood…. I asked him what was going on.

He grabbed them and quickly rushed off with them. I asked again what was going on. He said they must have been his adult daughters who visited the nite prior. I told him there was no way she would take off her pants with period blood and put them in his room. He then said his adult son must have had a girl back wen we were away the prior weekend and not told him.

I was absolutely stunned to silence… I couldn’t speak. He then asked if we were getting ready to head out. I got in his car and sat in silence for what seemed like an age. He asked if I thought the underwear “belonged to him”. I said obviously not unless he started his period as a male at the age of 50.

We carried on with our day, went to visit his mum, and buy new bedsheets. I was numb the full day feeling totally worthless. I still am. Before we fell asleep last nite he “thanked me for my patience”. This morning I woke and helped him pack for his business trip. Organised his car to take him to the airport. Cleaned his house so it would be nice for his return.

When I returned home he sent me a txt thanking me for all I do for him and telling me he loved me. I replied asking him outright if he was seeing someone else and telling him it would break my heart. And he replied telling me not to be “a silly baby”. I just don’t know wot to think. Has he cheated on me?? Is there any other explanation for this?

please be kind. I’m confused. Apologies for the length of this.

OP posts:
gogogoji · 10/05/2023 21:36

OP you haven't lost anything of value. He treats you poorly. He lies. He cheats. He won't commit to you in a marriage. What actually do you get out of this? Not enough that what. Please see that you are worth so much more

Susieb2023 · 10/05/2023 21:36

You’re starting the grieving process, it’s rubbish but it will pass.

Everyday it’ll get a little easier.

Even though I know it’s tough right now, every tear is getting you to the right place, far away from him!

MoiraRoseForever · 10/05/2023 21:54

Heartbroken87 · 07/05/2023 20:26

@2021mumma I was just trying to be a good partner

What does he do to be a good partner ? Does he clean your flat, help you pack, book flights and hotels ?
is it a partnership ?
Even without the cheating this seems a very one sided relationship and you’ve been used by him.
And lost your friends . Why do you put up with this ? You have referred to other things you’ve put up with . I can’t see what he offers .

happyheart7 · 11/05/2023 14:19

I really hope you are not struggling too much today. Please remember all he has put you through and the clear evidence presented and know you are far better off without him. What future did this have? What about what you want? Do you want marriage, children even? Think of all the possiblities without this old player loser who didn’t want to progress things even to living together, never mind the rest. It could be that you don’t want marriage and children anyway, but if you do, consider this an escape from having to sacrifice so much of your own wants and needs. I’m sure there were good times with this guy and that you loved him very much, and that it’s so hard to accept what he has done, but please remain strong, as you can do so much better. Has he been in touch since he sent that cringey message? Please come back to this thread any time you feel low and need to talk and have encouragement, because when he’s back from his trip he’s likely to try to reel you in again. He sounds heavily narcissistic, and they are pretty predictable.

AllBlackEverything · 14/05/2023 11:02

How are you feeling now @Heartbroken87?

I really hope you are doing OK and have managed to stay strong and away from him.

jelly79 · 15/05/2023 20:56

I've just read the full thread and I have a clear image of the OP as a strong independent woman who will feel born again after getting over this awful time!

And an image of this drunken 'lounge lizard' who can't do his own life admin and stumbles round the pub and misses planes

OP you will be happy very soon x

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