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Original poster

Staying together till kids have grown up?

394 replies

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 16:10

Has anyone decided to stay in a relationship for their children until they have grown up and moved out? With all the things in the news about mums new partners and “step fathers” I would personally never want to bring a man into my children’s lives/ a step father, I know not all are bad but I personally don’t want to take the risk. I know I will get told you can be happy alone but I don’t want to be alone and I want to share my life with someone. I’m perfectly happy on my own and have been for several years but I was thinking of the possibility of trying again with my ex, we didn’t break up for anything major no cheating or dv. I know you can be happy alone but it’s like single mums are expected to stay alone once Their relationship ends and some of us would like company and someone to share life with which is not the same as having friends they have their own lives and relationships. Is anyone staying in a relationship till their kids have grown up? (Please don’t tell me to be happy on my own great for you if you are happy to be single and don’t want a partner then this thread isn’t for you)

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/05/2023 16:16

My parents did. I needed counselling in my 40s to teach me that a relationship is supposed to be something that adds to your life, rather than something you just had to 'put up with'.

Careful what you exemplify, for your kids. I wish my parents had split up, shown me the value of being happy single, and the difference that thriving relationships with yourself and others make to life.

In short, my parents staying together gave me a miserable adulthood for a long time.

mysonsmother82 · 03/05/2023 16:17

Just to clarify are you considering getting back with your ex because you feel you'd be happy together or so you're not alone?

I'm confused because you asked has anyone stayed in a relationship until there dc got older, is that the plan with ex?

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 16:21

mysonsmother82 · 03/05/2023 16:17

Just to clarify are you considering getting back with your ex because you feel you'd be happy together or so you're not alone?

I'm confused because you asked has anyone stayed in a relationship until there dc got older, is that the plan with ex?

Yes

OP posts:
Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 16:22

Watchkeys · 03/05/2023 16:16

My parents did. I needed counselling in my 40s to teach me that a relationship is supposed to be something that adds to your life, rather than something you just had to 'put up with'.

Careful what you exemplify, for your kids. I wish my parents had split up, shown me the value of being happy single, and the difference that thriving relationships with yourself and others make to life.

In short, my parents staying together gave me a miserable adulthood for a long time.

The risk of introducing a step father is much worse

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/05/2023 16:22

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Do not do what you are proposing , your children won’t say thanks mum to you for doing that. You’d be showing them that an happy and respectful relationship is not their birthrightAlso whose sake are you really staying for, theirs or far more likely your own because it’s somehow easier?. Also many young people these days do not all move out to university at 18. If you were to separate then it gives your now young adults even
more emotional problems.

do not be afraid to move on with your own life.

mysonsmother82 · 03/05/2023 16:24

And to answer part of your question, My husband's parents stayed together unhappily for the children.
He thinks it was a terrible idea and made for a miserable childhood. He has very little respect for either parent (dad had affair and mum stayed with him) DH and SIL grew up walking on eggshells.

On the other side of that though I grew up with multiple step dads and had a miserable childhood. From my perspective I wish my mum wasn't so desperate for a man that she had no standards. (Obviously there are step families, mine included that are happy. I feel I did the right thing by my child and have shown him for the most part what a healthy should look like.)

SomePosters · 03/05/2023 16:25

So don’t introduce a step father. It doesn’t mean you can’t have relationships, just don’t make them the new daddy

Staying in a relationship that has ended because you’re scared of being alone is a terrible example to set to your children.

Get therapy before getting with anyone ex or new.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/05/2023 16:25

Why your ex? Such are so for very good reason.

I would think that if you got back with your ex the same old issues that caused you two to separate would soon rear it’s ugly head.

IHeartGeneHunt · 03/05/2023 16:33

My parents did it and it made for a very miserable childhood. None of my siblings and I have had a normal relationship.

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 16:36

SomePosters · 03/05/2023 16:25

So don’t introduce a step father. It doesn’t mean you can’t have relationships, just don’t make them the new daddy

Staying in a relationship that has ended because you’re scared of being alone is a terrible example to set to your children.

Get therapy before getting with anyone ex or new.

Easier said than done. My children are with me every single day. Ex isn't in a position to have overnight contact and that will not be changing. I don't spend a day without them.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/05/2023 16:36

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 16:22

The risk of introducing a step father is much worse

Show quote history

Yes, but it's not about assessing which bad risk to choose, it's about trying to mitigate risk as much as you can. You can do what my parents did, or you can stay single, or you can have a relationship without him being a 'step-father' or you can meet someone and decide that he can be step-father.

Which is the lowest risk for your kids, do you think?

This isn't about how to not make your kids too miserable!

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 16:37

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/05/2023 16:25

Why your ex? Such are so for very good reason.

I would think that if you got back with your ex the same old issues that caused you two to separate would soon rear it’s ugly head.

Because I can't meet anyone else and would rather not be alone till they've grown up.

OP posts:
ShippingNews · 03/05/2023 16:38

I did, and I don't regret it. Ex was a poor husband, but he was a good father to the kids. Also, he was in the defence force so if we'd separated while the kids were young, they'd have seen very little of him.

I made the decision to stay until the kids were grown, and it worked out well. Ex and I lived like brother and sister, but we never showed any animosity in front of the kids. I left when they were 18 and 22 - dd was engaged and had left home already, and ds was in an apprenticeship. Ex stayed in the house and I bought myself a flat a short distance away. Ex was out of the forces by then of course.

The kids were upset when it happened, but they had their own lives and friends. The upset was more along the lines of needing to know that ex and I were ok.

It's been 15 years now and I'm happily remarried, ex has a long term partner. Kids both married and we have 5 grandchildren. I rarely see ex, but my DH and I see the kids every week.

I occasionally talk to the kids about the separation - it's not a secret that I stayed with ex so there would be a stable home. The kids have said that they had the best life growing up, and that they were grateful to have that stability.

It might not suit everyone, but if the parents can get along and give the children a good life, it can be a good option. I know that MN says it's a bad idea, but every situation is different. You make your own decision.

Mabelface · 03/05/2023 16:39

The only time you should get back with an ex is because you love each other and have both worked on the issues that caused you to split in the first place, meaning you can have and model a healthy relationship.

My ex husband was and is an awesome stepfather. Even though my eldest is now 30, and ex and I have been separated for quite some time, he's never treated ds differently to his biological children. They're not all bad!

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 16:41

ShippingNews · 03/05/2023 16:38

I did, and I don't regret it. Ex was a poor husband, but he was a good father to the kids. Also, he was in the defence force so if we'd separated while the kids were young, they'd have seen very little of him.

I made the decision to stay until the kids were grown, and it worked out well. Ex and I lived like brother and sister, but we never showed any animosity in front of the kids. I left when they were 18 and 22 - dd was engaged and had left home already, and ds was in an apprenticeship. Ex stayed in the house and I bought myself a flat a short distance away. Ex was out of the forces by then of course.

The kids were upset when it happened, but they had their own lives and friends. The upset was more along the lines of needing to know that ex and I were ok.

It's been 15 years now and I'm happily remarried, ex has a long term partner. Kids both married and we have 5 grandchildren. I rarely see ex, but my DH and I see the kids every week.

I occasionally talk to the kids about the separation - it's not a secret that I stayed with ex so there would be a stable home. The kids have said that they had the best life growing up, and that they were grateful to have that stability.

It might not suit everyone, but if the parents can get along and give the children a good life, it can be a good option. I know that MN says it's a bad idea, but every situation is different. You make your own decision.

That's really great to read and has made me feel optimistic. I think it could be a very good idea. Thank you for sharing that.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 16:42

Mabelface · 03/05/2023 16:39

The only time you should get back with an ex is because you love each other and have both worked on the issues that caused you to split in the first place, meaning you can have and model a healthy relationship.

My ex husband was and is an awesome stepfather. Even though my eldest is now 30, and ex and I have been separated for quite some time, he's never treated ds differently to his biological children. They're not all bad!

I don't want another man in my children's lives at all tbh. Not whilst they are children.

OP posts:
Mephisneon · 03/05/2023 16:43

I personally think it's really selfish to do this. I grew up with parents in an unhappy marriage and it's had a massive impact. Don't pretend your kids don't know.

Mephisneon · 03/05/2023 16:44

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 16:22

The risk of introducing a step father is much worse

Show quote history

Says who? What evidence do you have for this?

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 16:46

Mephisneon · 03/05/2023 16:44

Says who? What evidence do you have for this?

Show quote history

Read the news....

OP posts:
Reugny · 03/05/2023 16:47

Mephisneon · 03/05/2023 16:44

Says who? What evidence do you have for this?

Show quote history

It's all the news stories about abusive step-fathers and step-mothers.

In reality some of the step-fathers I've met have gone out of their way with their step-children. Particularly if the step-children were younger than their children or they have no children themselves.

mysonsmother82 · 03/05/2023 16:53

Are you talking about the step parents (if we want to call them that) that have been on the news in the last few years regarding Arthur/Sky/Logan?
That is not a normal picture of how step families look at all, they were pieces of shit and the reason it ended in such horrific circumstances is because from what I can remember those poor children had parents that were also pieces of shit and they ignored or contributed to the abuse. Again not a normal picture of step families, thank god.

Ofcourseshecan · 03/05/2023 16:54

Watchkeys · 03/05/2023 16:16

My parents did. I needed counselling in my 40s to teach me that a relationship is supposed to be something that adds to your life, rather than something you just had to 'put up with'.

Careful what you exemplify, for your kids. I wish my parents had split up, shown me the value of being happy single, and the difference that thriving relationships with yourself and others make to life.

In short, my parents staying together gave me a miserable adulthood for a long time.

Same here. Both good people but totally incompatible. All their children grew up with a tendency to depression.

NCMum79 · 03/05/2023 17:02

Would your Ex be aware that this was the reason for trying again? Why can't they have the kids overnight? If the 2 of you got back together in a relationship of convenience...could you not do Living together but apart? As in, the 2 of you could also lead seperate personal lives while co-habiting and co-parenting. I do know people who seperated amicably and did the latter due to housing costs.

Offthexmaslist · 03/05/2023 17:03

My mother remarried when we were young . After my father died. My step father was amazing. For 52 years. They died last year a month a part.

For all the horror stories you read don't forget that you know about them BECAUSE of the horror. Newspaper's and TV news don't run stories of the hundreds of thousands of happy, step families with kind and loving step parents. Like mine. It's not news.

You also need to look deeper into these sad and disturbing cases . Invariably the woman has made poor choices in regard to relationships. Not just the final awful one but a track record of neglect for all manner of reasons normally but not exclusively related to poor MH, addiction and sometimes just selfish behaviour.

Is this you ? It doesn't sound like it. I think you have taken these (thankfully) rare cases as the norm when in fact the opposite is true.

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 17:04

mysonsmother82 · 03/05/2023 16:53

Are you talking about the step parents (if we want to call them that) that have been on the news in the last few years regarding Arthur/Sky/Logan?
That is not a normal picture of how step families look at all, they were pieces of shit and the reason it ended in such horrific circumstances is because from what I can remember those poor children had parents that were also pieces of shit and they ignored or contributed to the abuse. Again not a normal picture of step families, thank god.

Yes well MN is usually very vocal about step father's being the biggest risk to a child. Either way I don't want my children to have a step parent and have never wanted that.

OP posts: