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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Staying together till kids have grown up?

394 replies

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 16:10

Has anyone decided to stay in a relationship for their children until they have grown up and moved out? With all the things in the news about mums new partners and “step fathers” I would personally never want to bring a man into my children’s lives/ a step father, I know not all are bad but I personally don’t want to take the risk. I know I will get told you can be happy alone but I don’t want to be alone and I want to share my life with someone. I’m perfectly happy on my own and have been for several years but I was thinking of the possibility of trying again with my ex, we didn’t break up for anything major no cheating or dv. I know you can be happy alone but it’s like single mums are expected to stay alone once Their relationship ends and some of us would like company and someone to share life with which is not the same as having friends they have their own lives and relationships. Is anyone staying in a relationship till their kids have grown up? (Please don’t tell me to be happy on my own great for you if you are happy to be single and don’t want a partner then this thread isn’t for you)

OP posts:
Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 17:13

Bapbap45 · 04/05/2023 17:09

Well, if this is how you come across in real life, they might be a bit stand offish.

Yes its my fault the mums already know each other so was sat in groups chatting and not being welcoming 🙃 if I'm so nasty I will go back to my ex then as no man would want to date me either then

OP posts:
Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 17:15

Humanswarm · 04/05/2023 17:10

What answer are you looking for here OP? I'm genuinely confused, as you came on here to ask for advice, as per the notion of a forum..and yet you shoot down any advice given, and fail to answer most of the logical questions.
You have made your own mind up about what's going to happen. You came here seeking validation and you haven't received it. So what now? Well, the obvious, you'll go back to your ex and within a year, there will be another post from you asking advice on how to get out of a frankly intolerable position...Good luck with that.

I know there are women who have stayed with partners to not split up their family but they probably are too scared to come on this thread and be attacked!

OP posts:
Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 04/05/2023 17:15

Yes he is.

This man shows up after work to get a quick hug from me in the parking lot. He shows up with flowers, or picks up food, today he is bringing me cold meds. He is a good man, and they are out there.
If you aren't willing to try, that's on you..

supercali77 · 04/05/2023 17:17

'there are women who have stayed with partners to not split up their family'

Except you have split up and he doesn't want to see his kids. So. Theres that

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 17:18

supercali77 · 04/05/2023 17:17

'there are women who have stayed with partners to not split up their family'

Except you have split up and he doesn't want to see his kids. So. Theres that

He tried to get back 3 times i could have gone back sooner after a year he asked to try again i said no.

OP posts:
Bapbap45 · 04/05/2023 17:18

No one owes you a social life and their friendship. It takes effort on your part and for you to step out of your comfort zone.

supercali77 · 04/05/2023 17:19

@ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt So why doesn't he come to see his kids regularly?

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 17:20

Or you could let go of this bitterness about your situation, stop comparing to others, and work on improving your life. Take the advice here, get therapy to work through your issues and why you even contemplating doing something that you've been told pretty much unanimously is a crazy idea that will end badly for you and your children. Just from your posts here that is clear so you must know already that life with your ex would be shit for you all. You could work on improving your life practically for you and your children as suggested, stop being so hostile to people and make some new friends and be happy in yourself again. Work on your career so you have more freedom and time in future. And maybe think about dating someone new later when it's more practical and has a possibility of success because you've done the above.

And you reject this idea completely. Why?

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 17:20

Bapbap45 · 04/05/2023 17:18

No one owes you a social life and their friendship. It takes effort on your part and for you to step out of your comfort zone.

And you said I must come across as horrible hence why the mums don't want to speak to me ok then... Well since they've never met me and that was the first ever time but people were sat in their friendship groups naturally, I tried to catch eye contact to start a conversation but it didn't work and no one seemed interested in talking but maybe I'm a nasty person 🤪

OP posts:
IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 17:22

He tried to get back 3 times i could have gone back sooner after a year he asked to try again i said no.

So why do you think it's a good idea now? When it would be more disruptive for your children and he's had even more time to prove to you that he doesn't care about any of you?

Bapbap45 · 04/05/2023 17:25

Where did I say you were horrible?

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 17:30

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 17:22

He tried to get back 3 times i could have gone back sooner after a year he asked to try again i said no.

So why do you think it's a good idea now? When it would be more disruptive for your children and he's had even more time to prove to you that he doesn't care about any of you?

The first year I was still mad at him, the second time I enjoyed being single and being on my own its only recently I wanted to date, I've only started feeling lonely within the Last year before now I was just content on my own but now I'm missing having someone around, not a friend a romantic partner. The first few years I didn't really think of it and was happy on me on had no desire for a partner.

OP posts:
Bapbap45 · 04/05/2023 17:32

I don't know you, I don't know if you're horrible.

But you are coming across as quite defensive and negative on this thread, which is all I have to go on.

However, I for one have zero capacity right now to make space for someone in my friendships who is overly negative and defensive. So IF you are coming across like this, this might be hampering your efforts.

Some people love taking on someone who needs help, but I've done that in the past and have had to stop because it was taking too much from me.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 17:35

But if you want a partner you can have one, as discussed infinitum on this thread, without it involving moving in with your deadbeat dad shitty ex, or even involving them in your children's lives at all if you choose not to. You are choosing to do none of the things that would facilitate you being able to do that. So that is not a reason to move back in with your ex, no.

You know it's the wrong thing to do for you and your children but seemed to be determined to do it anyway because it would be easier for you in the short term and you can't be bothered to do any of the other things posters have suggested.

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 17:37

Yes I am choosing not to.

OP posts:
Bapbap45 · 04/05/2023 17:38

The end.

IBlinkThereforeIAm · 04/05/2023 17:38

I am not sure why you posted this thread in the first place then. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 17:40

I didn't post a thread asking how to date as a lone parent though did i? I've asked that before and the comments are "you dont" "you stay single"

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 04/05/2023 17:41

This thread is so clearly a windup. Nobody is that stupid. Nobody is that desperate, and hopefully nobody gives that little a shit about their children.

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 17:47

No one ever gets back with their ex? Yes they do

OP posts:
Bapbap45 · 04/05/2023 17:47

The end

InceyWinceySpidy · 04/05/2023 17:56

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 17:13

Yes its my fault the mums already know each other so was sat in groups chatting and not being welcoming 🙃 if I'm so nasty I will go back to my ex then as no man would want to date me either then

Show quote history

Then just go back to the shitshow of your ex! You're just tedious with your transparent excuses.

You are so desperate for this bloke who dumped you 5 years ago. And you still use the phrase that you're "stuck" with him?! He dumped you. Half a decade ago. And yet you cling to this non existent notion that you are the woman in his life.

But just admit you can't leave the man who dumped you 5 years ago alone. Don't fake that it's anything to do with the children he doesn't want to see.

InceyWinceySpidy · 04/05/2023 17:58

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 17:20

And you said I must come across as horrible hence why the mums don't want to speak to me ok then... Well since they've never met me and that was the first ever time but people were sat in their friendship groups naturally, I tried to catch eye contact to start a conversation but it didn't work and no one seemed interested in talking but maybe I'm a nasty person 🤪

Show quote history

Not necessarily horrible, but if this threads anything to go by, it's pretty clear why people don't converse with you.

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 18:02

InceyWinceySpidy · 04/05/2023 17:58

Not necessarily horrible, but if this threads anything to go by, it's pretty clear why people don't converse with you.

Show quote history

Well that’s silly, they never tried! I will go back to ex as clearly I won’t make any new friends so will ignore that advice 🙂

OP posts:
Bapbap45 · 04/05/2023 18:03

The end.

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