Staying together till kids have grown up?

[ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt]

Has anyone decided to stay in a relationship for their children until they have grown up and moved out? With all the things in the news about mums new partners and “step fathers” I would personally never want to bring a man into my children’s lives/ a step father, I know not all are bad but I personally don’t want to take the risk. I know I will get told you can be happy alone but I don’t want to be alone and I want to share my life with someone. I’m perfectly happy on my own and have been for several years but I was thinking of the possibility of trying again with my ex, we didn’t break up for anything major no cheating or dv. I know you can be happy alone but it’s like single mums are expected to stay alone once Their relationship ends and some of us would like company and someone to share life with which is not the same as having friends they have their own lives and relationships. Is anyone staying in a relationship till their kids have grown up? (Please don’t tell me to be happy on my own great for you if you are happy to be single and don’t want a partner then this thread isn’t for you)

The risk of introducing a step father is much worse

That's complete rubbish. You need to teach your kids what a healthy relationship looks like. My daughter has learnt more about that from me and her stepdad than she has from me and her dad.

I know there are great step father's I had one (well he wasn't a step father he was always 'mum's boyfriend' but he was a good man) but I am with my children at all times, this will not change. So there is no 'safe' way for me to meet someone and I will never be one of those women that use this as an excuse to bring men I don't know into my children's lives. That's usually how these situations play out but that's not something I would do.

Tell MN that. It's banged on about constantly on here that the biggest risk to a child is bringing a step father into their lives.

Of course if you never introduce anyone, then you cancel any risk that anybody may pose.

My stepfather is not my stepfather, he is my dad. My life is so so so much better than it ever would have been without him. He is an amazing man and I'm thrilled my mother found him. I was 15, so all the "wrong" things, about to do GCSEs, angsty teen etc.

Life is so much better with him in it.

Could you get back together though op? Presumably you split up for aa reason.

If you did get back together, the same problems will occur and you will have put your kids through two break ups.

Can I ask OP, you say the children are with you all of the time as their dad can't have them and won't ever be in a position to do so? Why is that?
That would surely ultimately affect your decision to get back with him?

I have been separated for nearly 10 years. Been in a relationship for 8 years. He does not live with us and I have no intention of us living together any time soon (children are early teens). He sees my children once a week with me, and they all get on, and no one refers to him as a step parent.

My children have been modeled healthy relationships and how their parents can co-parent amicably, rather than a loveless marriage that breaks up as soon as they move out. I saw this happen to a friend and the impact on the late teen children was huge and awful.

I'm with you. Appreciate everyone is different etc. but I wouldn't want someone else in my kids' lives if I split from my partner.

If I didn't care for my children then it would bother me less of course.

His living situation he lives in one room and the children aren’t able to stay there overnight. This won’t be changing.

Exactly, very different answers on every other thread I’ve seen about step fathers. If I wrote a thread saying I’m a single mum but I don’t get any time off from my children but I’m thinking of dating anyway and he will be immediately introduced to my children I will be told how terrible it is and how I’m risking my children’s safety and how dangerous step fathers are. I don’t want another unrelated male in my children’s lives and suddenly that’s a bad thing?

Are you going to tell you ex the truth?

Hey ex, you'll do, beats being alone hey.

I mean would you like someone to be with you for those reasons? Thwart him from perhaps having a relationship with someone who didn't view him as a consultation prize.

Or will you reignite the relationship dishonestly and pretend so you get company you are able to bear.

What if he says no?

Those are horrific stories but they're outliers, not the norm. That's the nature of the media. It doesn't mean all or even most stepdads are dangerous. Of course the parent has to do due diligence first - which is what's missing from the cases in the news.

The "stay in a loveless relationship for the kids" question must come up on a weekly basis here. I'll say what I always say: I've known several people whose parents did that and the impact on them as young adults was immense. Drug and alcohol addiction, inability to sustain healthy relationships of their own, low self-esteem, a poor relationship with their parents as adults. Some of them had more family money as a result ("staying for the kids" often means "staying for the lifestyle") and that was just as well considering the amount of therapy that needed to be paid for.

That's almost without exception btw.

I also know many people who grew up with step-parents and their experiences range from "healthy relationship with someone who stepped up to the parent role" to "fine relationship, not especially close but nothing negative".

Are you sure your not clutching at straws OP?
To be honest l felt my options were limited when my children were younger as my husband died. So like you, they were always with me. But l really committed to making my life work no matter what, and like a lot of women who choose to stay single for a while l lost the desire to go back to that way of life. My children are independent now l have more options but it doesn't appeal.
My advice would be to strengthen what you've got, don't go back to what broke you.There are ways of meeting people, you can still keep your independance, it doesn't have to be so black and white. Be open to meeting new people just for friendship to begin with, life can surprise you in good ways, it's not all bad.

@ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt my point is, it isn't always bad. Too many women introduce multiple men to their kids too soon in their relationships. Don't tar us all with the same brush. My husband didn't live with us until I'd been with him for 5 years.

again my children are with me at all times so when would I ever meet someone?

thats what I would have to do as I dont get days off like other wimen who manage to date.

women*

No because the DC's will find out at some point (secrets never stay secret for long), and they will end up blaming themselves for their parents being miserable for all those years. Oh and FWIW being in a marriage you really don't want is 100 times worse than being alone.

Step-fathers aren't inherently bad!

The negative "step-father" threads on here are mostly about situations where a new partner has been introduced too early, or there hasn't been sufficient discussion around expectations.

With an appropriate amount of open-mindedness, time and patience, (on all sides) it could be an extremely healthy and positive thing for your DCs to experience.

Your issue about child-free time is really the crux here.

My parents did. It was dreadful. I have had nothing but disastrous relationships all my life as so literally have no idea what a good relationship looks like. Wish MN had been around when I was younger...

My parents did, and then blamed me for them staying together until I moved out, because I'm apparently too emotional. Years of therapy it took me to get over this, and I'm still upset by it 20+ years later.

Your children won't be with you all the time forever. They will go to school and when older can be left alone for a few hours whilst you go on a date. And you haven't said your ex cannot look after them in your house whilst you go out. I gather you don't work and just want a man to look after you?

😂

could work the other way though and parents could blame the child for not being able to meet anyone. I wouldnt blame my children.

Is it?

Look truth is both unhappily coupled up parents or split up parents can be very traumatic.

I'm a victim of the first one and I preferred when my parents split up so I actually could see them happy and normal. It took me a long time to unlearn the awful example of love and relationships I had at home.

Best outcome is to find someone good who will make you happy. Step parents can be an issue mostly when the parent is spineless and the step parent isn't capable of understanding kids need to come first.