Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Staying together till kids have grown up?

394 replies

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 16:10

Has anyone decided to stay in a relationship for their children until they have grown up and moved out? With all the things in the news about mums new partners and “step fathers” I would personally never want to bring a man into my children’s lives/ a step father, I know not all are bad but I personally don’t want to take the risk. I know I will get told you can be happy alone but I don’t want to be alone and I want to share my life with someone. I’m perfectly happy on my own and have been for several years but I was thinking of the possibility of trying again with my ex, we didn’t break up for anything major no cheating or dv. I know you can be happy alone but it’s like single mums are expected to stay alone once Their relationship ends and some of us would like company and someone to share life with which is not the same as having friends they have their own lives and relationships. Is anyone staying in a relationship till their kids have grown up? (Please don’t tell me to be happy on my own great for you if you are happy to be single and don’t want a partner then this thread isn’t for you)

OP posts:
nakeklak · 03/05/2023 20:21

@ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt your previous experience with men must be clouding your decision here. An abusive violent man isn't the only other option, nor is being alone. Also, you won't find anyone with positive experiences of staying with an ex just for the childrens sake, from either people who have done it or children who have experienced it. It's not a nice environment no matter how much you try to mask it. Nor is it a good example to set. To argue against that is silly because its factual.

InceyWinceySpidy · 03/05/2023 20:25

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:03

Yes poor kids not being subjected to an abusive violent step father

Show quote history

Why are you only dating abusive violent men then?

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:28

ttc2603 · 03/05/2023 20:10

The comments on here make me think I'm odd😂 I agree with you OP, I wouldn't want another man around my kid/kids, so I totally understand where your coming from and people that are replying back to you, to try and make u justify your reason are silly😂 I don't know why people would want random people around their kids (not saying there isn't good step parents) but I just couldn't do it myself. If you don't want to be alone and would rather get back with your ex then I don't see why you shouldn't! I would!

Finally someone that gets it! I don’t want my kids to have a step dad! MN is usually very anti blended families so these comments are interesting! I don’t want an unrelated male in my kids lives 🤷‍♀️ glad it’s worked for some but it’s not something I want.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:29

InceyWinceySpidy · 03/05/2023 20:25

Why are you only dating abusive violent men then?

Show quote history

I won’t get a chance to vet anyone I don’t get free time as I’ve said again and again.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:30

I read a thread recently where a woman was being introduced to her partners child after 9 months and the comments told her it was too soon and she should wait 2 years!

OP posts:
Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:31

Yellowflowerr · 03/05/2023 20:14

I’m confused, does your ex actually want to get back with you? Because surely it doesn’t really matter debating about whether you should or not if he’s just going to turn around and say no? This thread acts like he doesn’t have a say in this at all? Lol

Yes he has tried 3 times to get back with me.

OP posts:
pompypomppomp · 03/05/2023 20:31

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:30

I read a thread recently where a woman was being introduced to her partners child after 9 months and the comments told her it was too soon and she should wait 2 years!

Well, everyone has different opinions! I don't see the harm in that. Does your ex want to get back together OP?

pompypomppomp · 03/05/2023 20:32

Sorry I've just seen you've answered that! Maybe if he wants to get back together you could have couples counselling and make a proper go of it

Yellowflowerr · 03/05/2023 20:32

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:31

Yes he has tried 3 times to get back with me.

Show quote history

What were his reasons for getting back together?

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:34

Yellowflowerr · 03/05/2023 20:32

What were his reasons for getting back together?

Show quote history

He never said I didn’t entertain it. He told me he still loves me that’s all I didn’t get into a conversation about it but have been thinking about it recently.

OP posts:
Greentree1 · 03/05/2023 20:36

If you can be happy together why not it would be good for the children. If it's going to be on again off again and loads of fights forget it.

Redlarge · 03/05/2023 20:36

I wouldnt my love

Yellowflowerr · 03/05/2023 20:39

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:34

He never said I didn’t entertain it. He told me he still loves me that’s all I didn’t get into a conversation about it but have been thinking about it recently.

Show quote history

I think there sounds like there’s quite a lot of variables going on here:

  • would the kids be happy/unhappy
  • would you be happy to have him back in your life
  • would he be happy to have you back in his life
  • is there any realistic chance of this lasting - is anything additional required such as counselling etc
  • are there any other issues to consider: not really sure why the breakup occurred first time I.E presume it is not cheating or violence etc? As otherwise you would be kind of mad
berksandbeyond · 03/05/2023 20:43

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:03

Yes poor kids not being subjected to an abusive violent step father

Show quote history

Yeah cos those are the only two options -

empty weird fake relationship with ex, that messes with the kids perceptions of love and relationships

OR

Abusive violent step dad

You definitely couldn’t

  1. wait until they’re older to date
  2. date but not introduce him to the kids
  3. be single
InceyWinceySpidy · 03/05/2023 20:47

ttc2603 · 03/05/2023 20:10

The comments on here make me think I'm odd😂 I agree with you OP, I wouldn't want another man around my kid/kids, so I totally understand where your coming from and people that are replying back to you, to try and make u justify your reason are silly😂 I don't know why people would want random people around their kids (not saying there isn't good step parents) but I just couldn't do it myself. If you don't want to be alone and would rather get back with your ex then I don't see why you shouldn't! I would!

Random people?

A long term partner isn't random people.

Offthexmaslist · 03/05/2023 20:48

Then pop along to the sack cloth and ashes shop pronto.. on the way home pick yourself some
Thistles to beat yourself with ... and revel in your misery ..

My mum was so much smarter .. she was circumspect, smart and v intuitive .. and knew my step dad would be perfect . Which he was .. we all miss him and her every day.

How about modelling a healthy relationship to your kids ? That what she did .. we knew not to accept second best .. my brother didn't get married until 50 until he knew it was right .. the rest of us - my two (step) sisters , (step) brother and two bio brothers have all had v happy v long term marriages ..

MayThe4th · 03/05/2023 20:51

This has to be one of the most selfish fucked up threads I’ve ever read on mn.

So just to paint the picture here.

You’re going to agree to get back together with your ex, who still loves you, presumably you’re going to keep up the pretence of a happy relationship, pretend that you love him too, tell the kids that mummy and daddy are back together and it’s all going to be ok, and then, when they are old enough, you’re going to leave the ex again, and make the kids realise that this whole circus was just a facade because you couldn’t spend a few years of your life without a man.

Way to fuck up your kids, and your ex. But hey as long as you’re not alone. Jesus Christ.

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:53

MayThe4th · 03/05/2023 20:51

This has to be one of the most selfish fucked up threads I’ve ever read on mn.

So just to paint the picture here.

You’re going to agree to get back together with your ex, who still loves you, presumably you’re going to keep up the pretence of a happy relationship, pretend that you love him too, tell the kids that mummy and daddy are back together and it’s all going to be ok, and then, when they are old enough, you’re going to leave the ex again, and make the kids realise that this whole circus was just a facade because you couldn’t spend a few years of your life without a man.

Way to fuck up your kids, and your ex. But hey as long as you’re not alone. Jesus Christ.

More selfish than moving a man in that I met a few weeks beforehand? 💁‍♀️ plenty of women seem to be doing that.

OP posts:
angeltulips · 03/05/2023 20:55

Why would you move a man in that you’d met weeks earlier? Both that AND getting back with an ex you don’t want to be with for the sake of the kids are wrong. Both are selfish and fucked up.

MayThe4th · 03/05/2023 20:56

Who the fuck said you have to move a new man in after a few weeks, other than you that is.

Fact is, you chose to be single, you don’t want to have another man in your children’s lives and your kids aren’t old enough to be left so you can date. So your choices are to remain single. Get over it.

Not wanting to move a man in doesn’t give you the right to fuck up your kids lives in other ways, it’s not a race to the bottom to find the worst way to fuck them up and choose a different way instead.

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:57

I don’t want to remain single till they’ve grown up 🤷‍♀️ I’m allowed some happiness.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:58

Having kids doesn’t mean I have to put my life on hold till they’ve grown up.

OP posts:
pompypomppomp · 03/05/2023 20:59

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:58

Having kids doesn’t mean I have to put my life on hold till they’ve grown up.

Well, quite. That's what everyone is telling you

pompypomppomp · 03/05/2023 21:00

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:57

I don’t want to remain single till they’ve grown up 🤷‍♀️ I’m allowed some happiness.

If you think you'll be happy with your ex then great! Your post makes it sound d as though you wouldn't be happy though, you'd just be settling

MayThe4th · 03/05/2023 21:00

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:58

Having kids doesn’t mean I have to put my life on hold till they’ve grown up.

it does if you don’t want to meet another man and you’re planning to trick your ex and your kids into believing that you’re committed to them being a family until you decide that’s not what you want any more.

If your ex has any sense he’ll run a mile, and hopefully he’ll meet a decent woman and introduce a nice decent stepmom into his children’s lives who isn’t as selfish.