Staying together till kids have grown up?

[ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt]

Has anyone decided to stay in a relationship for their children until they have grown up and moved out? With all the things in the news about mums new partners and “step fathers” I would personally never want to bring a man into my children’s lives/ a step father, I know not all are bad but I personally don’t want to take the risk. I know I will get told you can be happy alone but I don’t want to be alone and I want to share my life with someone. I’m perfectly happy on my own and have been for several years but I was thinking of the possibility of trying again with my ex, we didn’t break up for anything major no cheating or dv. I know you can be happy alone but it’s like single mums are expected to stay alone once Their relationship ends and some of us would like company and someone to share life with which is not the same as having friends they have their own lives and relationships. Is anyone staying in a relationship till their kids have grown up? (Please don’t tell me to be happy on my own great for you if you are happy to be single and don’t want a partner then this thread isn’t for you)

Not at all OP! Both my sisters have introduced step-fathers to their children’s lives and they are far better fathers to the children than their birth fathers ever were or could ever hope to be. There are some awful deadbeat dads out there, but there are also some amazing men who make excellent husbands and step-fathers.

I think if you were asking the question when you were still together but thinking whether to leave or not it might be different but the fact you have all been through that hard process of separating and adjusting to that I think that getting back together would surely bring more disruption to the children and there is the chance you would split for a second time. I think stick with where you are. Surely you can have a good co-parenting relationship and still have him in your life.

I’m mostly unsure how you can reignite your relationship with your ex without messing up your kids. They’ve watched you separate, would have to watch you get back together (as you have stated you have no childcare to date, so couldn’t even date their father secretly for a while) and would need to be certain that he was also on the same page about this absolutely being until they all left home. If you were still together and wanted to stay for the kids that would be one thing, but you have already had them experience separation and may actually be destabilising their current life by going back to their dad. I don’t know your children or you so don’t know for certain that this would be the case, but it’s something you need to seriously consider. Regretting leaving is fine, but you may regret going back too if the kids live in fear that you will separate again.

I actually think the suggestion of living separately but together is not a bad one and is certainly how I would explain it to the kids, that you’re good friends but not in love and co-parenting is easier when you’re all in the same home.

OP, you are tedious.

Yeah yeah, your only options are to get back with your ex, or move in a random bloke you've found wandering the streets into your house with immediate effect and hope for the best.

That's what everyone else does, as you keep telling us.

What would you do if he has moved on and is now in a relationship?

The other option is to stay single and I don’t want to. I’ve been alone for 5 years, I’ve spent time alone.

Because they had time to date before introducing men to their children. I don’t get that I think many keep missing this point.

Don’t many women?

FGS

Just date !! Have coffee or lunch while they are at school if you don't work .. if you do then get ex DH to come over and mind them .. !!

Get out there and find a decent adult human male - there are plenty ..

Go though a few until
YOU decide he is decent , kind and respectful (the three most important qualities) .. then see him until you are sure ..

Yes, of course, that's your only other option 😆

We're all either single, raking up previously doomed marriages, or finding strangers and moving them in by the morning.

Grow up, for your DC sake, at least.

OP you need to accept reality. At the moment you don’t have time to date. Which means at the moment you don’t have the option to meet someone and so for now you will need to stay single. That’s life.

The kids won’t be kids forever, if you’ve already been split from their dad for five years then they’re clearly not babies any more, and I highly doubt that your ex has been pining for you all this time. But even if he has and you’re going to deceive him into getting back together, you’re forgetting something. If you wait until the kids are older to ditch the ex again, as a woman who is ten/fifteen years older than you are now you’re not going to be as attractive a prospect as you are now, because the reality is that for women in their 40’s it is much, much harder to meet men.

I have started threads in the past asking how I can date as a lone parent with no support and been told you can’t and it’s not possible.

And what man is going to happy with never ever having any alone time with me ever? No date nights. No weekends away, holidays, trips away? Basically taking on me and my kids from the get go? Sitting in the park and soft play with us? 😅Never any time alone only able to come round my house at night when my kids are in bed? That’s a fwb not what I’m looking for.

Sounds like you've made your mind up, you don't have time to date and form a step family unit... you don't want to be single so there you go.. your option is to use your ex husband in a fake relationship until your children grow up. Terrible idea in my opinion that seems to be the only option you are giving yourself. Don't really understand why you're seeking reassurance on here when you've given yourself no options other then getting back with your ex.

I don’t believe anyone can possibly be this stupid.

Your DC are school age.

That's a lot of free time, if you don't work full time.

You can hire a babysitter, which I appreciate isn't a three times a week thing unless you are rolling in cash to fund it, but can certainly be an every other week thing.

You can on line date, chat, phonecalls, video call once DC are in bed, to build up a rapport for a couple of weeks, to determine whether it's even worth meeting for a coffee in a lunch break/anytime during school day if you're not working. If that goes well, you can meet up for a drink when you've got a babysitter. Then another drink. Then some dinners. For as long as you need.

Most men are not despicable. And by taking your time to get to know someone, you will then be able to invite them round for a dinner once DC are in bed, which suddenly makes everything easier, as there's no childcare or clockwatching.

You do have to work within your restrictions, but it's more than possible.

I do work. A relationship where you only see each other every other week? I am not inviting men I barely know to my house for dinner whilst my kids are in bed wow any other thread I would be told how shocking that is!

Why can't you have a date night? Are you allergic to babysitters?

And why is he taking on your kids from the get go?! He's dating a mother, sure, and unless he's a blundering womble, knows that means there will be children around. Why do you think they have to be forced together from day one?

Yes, that means initially your time together (once you are ready to invite him round) will be at yours, when DC are in bed! Why is this a fwb situation in your eyes??

I guess it depends how you choose. Not all biological parents are great either. I wouldn’t introduce a partner to my children for a long time. I don’t feel that they need to be part of their lives. They have 2 parents. I wouldn’t live with a partner either until they are grown up.

FML.

Why do you barely know them?

I agree with PP, I can't believe anyone is this stupid either.

Enjoy the superb relationship with your ex. It's going to go great for all concerned.

How soon are you suggesting I invite men to my house whilst my kids are in bed?

And kids don’t wake up? To find a strange man in their house? 🙄

Neither would I which is why I can’t date but on here I should bring them round when kids are in bed?

So your children never see their father then/spend very little time with him? So effectively you're planning on moving a strange man into their home cos you know him. Not them.

Can you answer why your ex can't come and spend the evening in your home whilst you go out?

So your ex doesn't help with the kids. At all?

No school pick ups? Takes them on holiday? Takes them away for the weekend?