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Original poster

Staying together till kids have grown up?

394 replies

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 16:10

Has anyone decided to stay in a relationship for their children until they have grown up and moved out? With all the things in the news about mums new partners and “step fathers” I would personally never want to bring a man into my children’s lives/ a step father, I know not all are bad but I personally don’t want to take the risk. I know I will get told you can be happy alone but I don’t want to be alone and I want to share my life with someone. I’m perfectly happy on my own and have been for several years but I was thinking of the possibility of trying again with my ex, we didn’t break up for anything major no cheating or dv. I know you can be happy alone but it’s like single mums are expected to stay alone once Their relationship ends and some of us would like company and someone to share life with which is not the same as having friends they have their own lives and relationships. Is anyone staying in a relationship till their kids have grown up? (Please don’t tell me to be happy on my own great for you if you are happy to be single and don’t want a partner then this thread isn’t for you)

OP posts:
mysonsmother82 · 03/05/2023 21:46

I'm starting to think this thread is made up for entertainment purposes

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 21:47

Okki · 03/05/2023 21:44

So your children never see their father then/spend very little time with him? So effectively you're planning on moving a strange man into their home cos you know him. Not them.

Can you answer why your ex can't come and spend the evening in your home whilst you go out?

I’ve been advised not to do this as well so I can’t win. His contact isn’t very consistent so it would be very hard to arrange dates when he has them as it isn’t set days.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 21:47

Bapbap45 · 03/05/2023 21:44

So your ex doesn't help with the kids. At all?

No school pick ups? Takes them on holiday? Takes them away for the weekend?

No none of this.

OP posts:
Mephisneon · 03/05/2023 21:48

This has to be a joke thread. No one is this daft.

Bapbap45 · 03/05/2023 21:49

Well, that's your issue then. Does he have no desire to be with his kids?

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 21:49

mysonsmother82 · 03/05/2023 21:46

I'm starting to think this thread is made up for entertainment purposes

I’m glad you find my life entertaining but it really isn’t. I have been on my own for 5 years, I would like to say im ok with spending the next 10 years alone but I’m not. After one of my children’s birthdays recently it hits home how alone I am and bringing a new man into their lives isn’t the answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 21:50

Mephisneon · 03/05/2023 21:48

This has to be a joke thread. No one is this daft.

Please explain why it’s a joke? If I said I’m a single mum and wanted to date again but get no time away from my kids you would tell me well you can’t date then, you wouldn’t advise I bring men round whilst they are in bed.

OP posts:
InceyWinceySpidy · 03/05/2023 21:50

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 21:47

I’ve been advised not to do this as well so I can’t win. His contact isn’t very consistent so it would be very hard to arrange dates when he has them as it isn’t set days.

Show quote history

You've been advised that your ex can't come round to watch DC for the evening.... So you're going to move him in, instead.

This is the gift that keeps on giving.

Zanatdy · 03/05/2023 21:52

I understand you not wanting a step parent. I get that. I got burnt with that in my past and have stayed single since splitting with my ex 12yrs ago. Apart from one brief relationship this year, end of last. I won’t introduce anyone into their life’s, but doesn’t mean I can’t have some relationships they don’t know about. I couldn’t have done that when younger but at 15 and 18 I can. My parent stayed together and it wasn’t fun. So no. I don’t recommend that

Bapbap45 · 03/05/2023 21:52

The reason people are saying this though as you're doing the classic error of assuming everyone would agree, and then fighting all the people who do. Which are quite a lot because what you're suggesting is sounding a little bonkers - your ex needs to step up. I can't see how moving him back in would some how miraculously make him a good dad. He's not a good dad if he doesn't see his kids.

InceyWinceySpidy · 03/05/2023 21:52

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 21:50

Please explain why it’s a joke? If I said I’m a single mum and wanted to date again but get no time away from my kids you would tell me well you can’t date then, you wouldn’t advise I bring men round whilst they are in bed.

Show quote history

Not "men."

Random men you found on the street a few hours earlier. They're the ones you should be bringing home to meet your DC that evening, remember.

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 21:53

Zanatdy · 03/05/2023 21:52

I understand you not wanting a step parent. I get that. I got burnt with that in my past and have stayed single since splitting with my ex 12yrs ago. Apart from one brief relationship this year, end of last. I won’t introduce anyone into their life’s, but doesn’t mean I can’t have some relationships they don’t know about. I couldn’t have done that when younger but at 15 and 18 I can. My parent stayed together and it wasn’t fun. So no. I don’t recommend that

My youngest is 5 so this is a long way off.

OP posts:
Bapbap45 · 03/05/2023 21:53

... fighting those who disagree

autienotnaughtym · 03/05/2023 21:54

My parents did it's awful growing up in a unhappy household and it gave me an unhealthy perception of relationships. I divorced my dickhead exh, whilst dd did struggle with step parents/ shared custody. What she did get to see was a mum who could be happy on her own and when u met someone I roll modelled a healthy relationship.

Swishhh · 03/05/2023 22:00

OP please don’t do this, it’s what my parents did and it meant my teenage years were one big screw up. When they did eventually split up when I was 22 I felt so angry that they hadn’t split up years ago.

MayThe4th · 03/05/2023 22:00

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 21:50

Please explain why it’s a joke? If I said I’m a single mum and wanted to date again but get no time away from my kids you would tell me well you can’t date then, you wouldn’t advise I bring men round whilst they are in bed.

Show quote history

Well it’s hilarious alright, the way in which you are twisting the situation to justify what you’re claiming to want to do.

You’ve been alone for 5 years and your youngest is 5, so you and the ex apparently split for amicable reasons when your youngest was a baby, the ex has nothing to do with the kids, doesn’t spend time with them, doesn’t take them out, so to all intents and purposes they have no more of a relationship with him than the randomer you don’t want to bring in off the street.

StBernie · 03/05/2023 22:01

Given you’ve asked for experiences, I’m pretty sure my parents stayed together for me and my siblings. I wasn’t surprised at all when they separated in my early twenties. They got on fine but I think when us kids flew the nest they had to accept that the love just wasn’t there anymore. Personally, I’ve always felt grateful that they were together throughout my childhood.

Okki · 03/05/2023 22:01

So far, your ex has proved he's not interested in being a father. An indifferent father, deliberately brought into their lives by their mother, will be so incredibly damaging to your children.

What exactly do you hope to get out of a relationship with him? Is it just sex? He seems to be a low earner with very little drive to do anything. Does he have a job? Will he actively take his role in parenting or working in your home. Are you going to be getting an actual life partner, or just someone else you have to look after?

My husband's parents stayed together and split up when his younger brother went to Uni. He wishes they had split up years before. Getting married was a huge thing for my DH.

monsteramunch · 03/05/2023 22:05

So far, your ex has proved he's not interested in being a father. An indifferent father, deliberately brought into their lives by their mother, will be so incredibly damaging to your children.

What exactly do you hope to get out of a relationship with him? Is it just sex? He seems to be a low earner with very little drive to do anything. Does he have a job? Will he actively take his role in parenting or working in your home. Are you going to be getting an actual life partner, or just someone else you have to look after?

This.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 03/05/2023 22:10

If it is a low conflict relationship and you can co exist and co parent harmoniously, the research suggests it is better for the kids of you stay together. If it is a high conflict relationship, kids do better after a divorce.

FrownedUpon · 03/05/2023 22:19

That’s really sad. Surely you deserve better. Why get back with an Ex who left you, just so you’re not alone. It’s a really, really sad way to live your life.

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 22:22

StBernie · 03/05/2023 22:01

Given you’ve asked for experiences, I’m pretty sure my parents stayed together for me and my siblings. I wasn’t surprised at all when they separated in my early twenties. They got on fine but I think when us kids flew the nest they had to accept that the love just wasn’t there anymore. Personally, I’ve always felt grateful that they were together throughout my childhood.

Thank you, helps to have some different views

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 03/05/2023 22:22

Lots to consider before saying yes to the ex. Given he's said he still loves you, would he be wanting a physical relationship too, and are you OK with that?
Did he do anything with /for the DC's when you were together? I totally get how hard it would be for you to get to know someone well enough that you could introduce them. What part of being with someone do you miss and would your ex be OK with providing that, was he effective in providing that? If he was, and he could again, maybe it's worth considering, but you'd have to have a big discussion about expectations. Would he look after them enabling you to go out on your own? If he left for someone else initially, that imples he had time to go out and meet people, presumably while you were just as much stuck in with DC while he had his fun. Unless he is willing to care for his own DC and enable you to go out, there isn't much point.
Would it be agreeing to co-habit or a relationship? Are you on the same page? If he wants to carry on leading the single life, while you do everything, there's not a lot of difference to what you have now.

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 22:23

FrownedUpon · 03/05/2023 22:19

That’s really sad. Surely you deserve better. Why get back with an Ex who left you, just so you’re not alone. It’s a really, really sad way to live your life.

I feel sad right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 22:23

Life can’t get much worse basically grass isn’t always greener

OP posts:
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