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Original poster

Staying together till kids have grown up?

394 replies

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 16:10

Has anyone decided to stay in a relationship for their children until they have grown up and moved out? With all the things in the news about mums new partners and “step fathers” I would personally never want to bring a man into my children’s lives/ a step father, I know not all are bad but I personally don’t want to take the risk. I know I will get told you can be happy alone but I don’t want to be alone and I want to share my life with someone. I’m perfectly happy on my own and have been for several years but I was thinking of the possibility of trying again with my ex, we didn’t break up for anything major no cheating or dv. I know you can be happy alone but it’s like single mums are expected to stay alone once Their relationship ends and some of us would like company and someone to share life with which is not the same as having friends they have their own lives and relationships. Is anyone staying in a relationship till their kids have grown up? (Please don’t tell me to be happy on my own great for you if you are happy to be single and don’t want a partner then this thread isn’t for you)

OP posts:
somethingawkward · 03/05/2023 18:25

As a child of ‘stay together for the kids’ I honestly wouldn’t.

I know your intentions are good but you’re assuming it’ll be good for the kids but you don’t know that.

My Dad has stayed with my Mum to not rock the boat and Mum has stayed largely cos she’s financially dependent on my Dad.

The relationship is toxic and although to sometimes on the surface it seemed ok, it’s never been a loving relationship.

Because of this I never knew what was ‘normal’ and healthy and so in my teens made a series of unhealthy relationship choices / decisions that looking back both make me cringe and some frighten me.

It was 100% shaped by my parents relationship. I know they never intended this.

somethingawkward · 03/05/2023 18:28

Miajk · 03/05/2023 18:14

Is it?

Look truth is both unhappily coupled up parents or split up parents can be very traumatic.

I'm a victim of the first one and I preferred when my parents split up so I actually could see them happy and normal. It took me a long time to unlearn the awful example of love and relationships I had at home.

Best outcome is to find someone good who will make you happy. Step parents can be an issue mostly when the parent is spineless and the step parent isn't capable of understanding kids need to come first.

Show quote history

This! My parents never sat me down and taught my about healthy relationships - probably because they don’t know themselves!

This resulted in teen me chasing love and the ultimate cliche, thinking it you had sex with someone they’d like you and want to be with you! 😬

berksandbeyond · 03/05/2023 18:29

Well then wait til your kids grow up! Get a good vibrator!

Cyclingforcake · 03/05/2023 18:43

I presume your kids are going to be with you for every hour of every day forever. They’ll grow up a bit, go to nursery, go to school, you’ll start to feel more confident about leaving them with a paid babysitter, you’ll make some new friends who will do some reciprocal babysitting for you, they’ll have clubs and sleepovers. And you’ll be able to go on dates, make new friends, find new hobbies and generally refind yourself.

I may have missed some important information where you say this isn’t the case but otherwise all these things are just round the corner even if they’re tiny at the moment.

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 18:47

Cyclingforcake · 03/05/2023 18:43

I presume your kids are going to be with you for every hour of every day forever. They’ll grow up a bit, go to nursery, go to school, you’ll start to feel more confident about leaving them with a paid babysitter, you’ll make some new friends who will do some reciprocal babysitting for you, they’ll have clubs and sleepovers. And you’ll be able to go on dates, make new friends, find new hobbies and generally refind yourself.

I may have missed some important information where you say this isn’t the case but otherwise all these things are just round the corner even if they’re tiny at the moment.

None of this applies to me. They go to school but that’s not the point I can’t date only when they are in school how on earth would that work? So only see a partner when they are in school? I want to share my life with someone not have a fwb who pops round when the kids are at school. I don’t have friends that can babysit and I can’t afford regular paid for childcare forever.

OP posts:
MyPurpleHeart · 03/05/2023 19:02

Your children will know, I did, and it makes for a very unhappy home. It also teaches you some really fucked up things about relationships. Children are smart and will notice things, and will grow up and resent you for thinking they wouldn't.

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 19:18

And why would that be such a terrible thing? I’m sure many couples stay together for their kids even if they don’t say so? I see it often on here women not wanting to split up as they don’t want to be separated from their kids half the week or stuck for financial reasons. If there is no abuse what is the massive issue? Different story for me but my mum always told me that my dad was her “stalker” that she didn’t love him or care about him and was never in a relationship with him I never even saw them in the same room she would call him vile names and she only had me because he just “wouldn’t leave her alone” this was horrible hearing growing up how my mum hated my father so much she couldn’t even be in the same room as him and her referring to him as a stalker. I don’t hate my children’s father I am not disgusted by him I don’t see why we couldn’t try again.

OP posts:
nakeklak · 03/05/2023 19:21

I don't understand your fear of introducing a step father. Not all men are awful abusive human beings

nakeklak · 03/05/2023 19:23

You clearly think you're right in your thinking OP, what do you want people to say?

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 19:24

nakeklak · 03/05/2023 19:23

You clearly think you're right in your thinking OP, what do you want people to say?

I’ve asked for people’s experiences of it not for people to talk me out of it

OP posts:
NCMum79 · 03/05/2023 19:24

Why will he never live in anything more than a room share ever?! How old is he? Does he not have an income?

NCMum79 · 03/05/2023 19:25

"I’ve asked for people’s experiences of it "

And many of the children of these situations have answered that it wasn't great for them - but you aren't really paying attention

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 19:26

NCMum79 · 03/05/2023 19:25

"I’ve asked for people’s experiences of it "

And many of the children of these situations have answered that it wasn't great for them - but you aren't really paying attention

I clearly stated I don’t want to be talked out of it. Good for the women who are happy being alone I would like a partner though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 19:27

His living situation won’t be changing we both live in London and he can’t afford anything else it’s been this way for years since we split so I won’t be holding my breath.

OP posts:
PussInBin20 · 03/05/2023 19:43

But why will it work this time? You split for a reason. What will you tell him about why you want to get back together? It’s not really fair on him to get back with him just til the kids are older, unless he is fully aware of your intentions.

Wisterical · 03/05/2023 19:59

You're going to move your ex back in because
a) you can't bear to be alone,
b) you are unwilling to ever organise your life so you can date.

How awful.

berksandbeyond · 03/05/2023 20:01

OP isn’t going to listen, she’s already made up her mind. Poor kids

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:02

Wisterical · 03/05/2023 19:59

You're going to move your ex back in because
a) you can't bear to be alone,
b) you are unwilling to ever organise your life so you can date.

How awful.

As if it’s that easy? Do you know how hard it is for single mums to date never mine those that have no family or friends to babysit 🙄

OP posts:
angeltulips · 03/05/2023 20:02

I don’t understand why you went to all the effort of splitting. Why undo all that hard work? Why did you break up in the first place?

it’s one thing to consider staying. But you’ve already left!

Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:03

berksandbeyond · 03/05/2023 20:01

OP isn’t going to listen, she’s already made up her mind. Poor kids

Yes poor kids not being subjected to an abusive violent step father

OP posts:
Original poster
ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 20:03

angeltulips · 03/05/2023 20:02

I don’t understand why you went to all the effort of splitting. Why undo all that hard work? Why did you break up in the first place?

it’s one thing to consider staying. But you’ve already left!

He left me

OP posts:
angeltulips · 03/05/2023 20:04

Why?

ttc2603 · 03/05/2023 20:10

The comments on here make me think I'm odd😂 I agree with you OP, I wouldn't want another man around my kid/kids, so I totally understand where your coming from and people that are replying back to you, to try and make u justify your reason are silly😂 I don't know why people would want random people around their kids (not saying there isn't good step parents) but I just couldn't do it myself. If you don't want to be alone and would rather get back with your ex then I don't see why you shouldn't! I would!

Yellowflowerr · 03/05/2023 20:14

I’m confused, does your ex actually want to get back with you? Because surely it doesn’t really matter debating about whether you should or not if he’s just going to turn around and say no? This thread acts like he doesn’t have a say in this at all? Lol

InceyWinceySpidy · 03/05/2023 20:20

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 03/05/2023 17:31

Exactly, very different answers on every other thread I’ve seen about step fathers. If I wrote a thread saying I’m a single mum but I don’t get any time off from my children but I’m thinking of dating anyway and he will be immediately introduced to my children I will be told how terrible it is and how I’m risking my children’s safety and how dangerous step fathers are. I don’t want another unrelated male in my children’s lives and suddenly that’s a bad thing?

Show quote history

Can you genuinely not see any appropriate middle ground that lies between immediately introducing a man into their life and never introducing a man into their life.

It's like saying, well, I've got a broken wrist...so my only options are to leave it as it is, or amputate my arm.