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Original poster

Does this make me controlling?

182 replies

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 12:01

I surprised boyfriends with a holiday for his birthday and it completely went to shit. He’s been really stressed with work and finances for some time now and I thought it would be nice to have a break. I made an itinerary listing all the plans I had made on it and given it to him. His reaction was so underwhelming and quite frankly my feelings were extremely hurt. It took alot of time, effort, energy and money to bring those plans to life and for him to have such a lacklustre response to it really upset me. I feel like he moved on really quickly once he had skimmed the itinerary and started talking about other things. I asked him if he’s happy about 4/5 times because I couldn’t see happiness anywhere on him. It completely blew my high and my energy fell flat. We got on with the day and he noticed and mentioned it to me. I told him I was expecting a bit more and got very emotional about it. In all honesty I just felt very unappreciated. He apologised but then cut a long story short we ended up arguing about it that evening and he said to me I’m controlling because he didn’t react the way I want him to react. Does me feeling unappreciated and expecting a more grateful and loving response mean I’m controlling?

OP posts:
shelbabab · 29/04/2023 12:03

He's ungrateful. It's not u, it's him!

Specso · 29/04/2023 12:17

If he’s stressed about finances this may have made him feel bad that money is tight for him and you’re able to afford a holiday and may have caused feelings of inadequacy. He maybe now feels pressured to get you an extravagant gift for your birthday. I’m not saying it’s wrong and you shouldn’t treat him, just looking at why his response may have not been the excitement you expected.

It’s ok to feel disappointed by his reaction and you feel however you feel but you also have to be mindful that you can’t demand certain reactions from people in any situation. I wouldn’t call it controlling exactly but if you constantly have really high expectations on someone in terms of wanting gratitude, compliments, reassurance or whatever it might be then that can be a lot of pressure for the other person and living up to someone’s high standards all the time can feel exhausting.

Did he say thank you and seem pleased at the idea of the trip? Some people don’t jump up and down with excitement about things and go crazy with the gratitude but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s ungrateful or doesn’t appreciate it.

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/04/2023 12:28

He certainly seems ungrateful on the face of it. It’s incredibly tone deaf to change the subject like that when someone has planned something like that for you and is in the middle of describing it.

But we need to know a bit more about what you had planned I think. Had you planned something which you thought he would genuinely enjoy? Or was it oriented towards what you wanted to do? How much wiggle room is there? Is every second of the day accounted for? Could it have clashed with something he had already organised?

My ex used to often plan things which were more for him than for me and present them to me with a great flourish as a huge gesture. I often felt like I was being railroaded into doing something I didn’t want to do because it was a “present”.

WandaWonder · 29/04/2023 12:29

I do get why you are upset but I also think it's unfair to make a decision/plan, do it all then expect a certain reaction just because you decided it had had to happen

You cant control the way people act we can all go 'well they should just be grateful'

vivaespanaole · 29/04/2023 12:30

He could be being ungrateful but i can possibly see it from another perspective.

My idea of hell is opening gifts in front of other people particularly the giver. My mum did this the other day. She was all giddy and wanted to give me one of my gifts early because it might be useful for my holiday. This involved opening it infront of 6 people with them all looking at my reaction which for me is just awful.

I am also not an immediate person. I like to sit and process things and then come back to people will well thought out and genuine thanks. So i can see that my strange ways might come across wooden and ungrateful. I know my way isn't acceptable in polite society so i feel forced to fake it.

I also hate giving gifts due to the pressure to get it right and prefer to not be there when people open then. My mum is quite needy and needs 'the reaction' and approval and it makes me feel really odd. Id actually rather have no gift then us both feel like this.

Rather then keep asking (forcing him to retreat even further into his shell). Try giving him a bit of space and letting him process it and come back to you. If he never does then he may well be ungrateful.

The fully planned itinerary make have come across as being a bit overwhelming. I am sure he is grateful really and may be someone who then gushes about it after the lovely weekend has happened as oppose to in anticipation.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/04/2023 12:45

Hmm - I wouldn't appreciate someone booking a holiday for me and then presenting me with a detailed itinerary for it either. I don't think it's necessarily controlling but it does place a lot of pressure on the other person to be happy and grateful for something that may not be their idea of fun in the first place.

I think if you choose to surprise someone, you need to accept they might not actually appreciate that surprise.

ohfook · 29/04/2023 12:48

I think if I was stressed the last thing I'd appreciate is someone else giving me their itinerary - it just becomes more of someone else's schedule to do. I don't think id go off it but it wouldn't help me to relax.

I would appreciate flights and a hotel though!

TheShellBeach · 29/04/2023 12:59

Honestly?
I would be horrified if I was presented with an itinerary like that.
Very overwhelmed.
I would also feel angry that I hadn't been consulted.
I prefer some spontaneity and also to decide things together.
I am sure you meant well but I can see why he was upset.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:01

He did say thankyou but there was no interest, questions asked or excitement. Prior to that I told him to book 5 days off of work so I thought he would be expecting something along those lines. He hadn’t read the full itinerary, which was only really detailed dates, and the plan on his actual birthday, the rest was just info, but he only skimmed it so really he was only aware that I had booked us a trip. The rest of the days were unplanned. I was just trying to be creative. The trip is to Italy to a place I’ve wanted to go to but it was also the place that was in budget. I didn’t think the destination mattered so much as the intention was for him to have a break, enjoy some sunshine and a good time.

OP posts:
Shoelacesundone · 29/04/2023 13:06

I can understand your disappointment but is it possible you've bought him a gift he doesn't want and now pressured him to feign emotion to meet your needs?

It feels like maybe yes.

It's his birthday and it should be about him.

I wouldn't call this behaviour controlling g per se but it does seem the focus is on you, and not him.

Why not say, I was hoping you'd be more excited. If you don't want to go, we don't have to. Is everything ok?

Oubliette86 · 29/04/2023 13:06

The trip is to Italy to a place I’ve wanted to go to but it was also the place that was in budget.

You booked a birthday treat for him to a place YOU wanted to go? Were the things on the itinerary things you wanted to do / see too?

Lefteyetwitch · 29/04/2023 13:07

Is it ungrateful to be forced into something you don't want or like?

The thought was there OP and that's not a negative on you.

But why Is MN so unwavering on this idea that we must love everything we're handed.

I personally wouldn't enjoy this. Why should I have to?

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:10

I booked a boat tour and dinner on his birthday, this is something he would like to do. Even if you don’t like something I would expect gratitude as someone of doing something for you. We haven’t had a holiday together so my thoughts was just experiencing that with him celebrating his birthday.

OP posts:
SunnyLion · 29/04/2023 13:12

I'd be very happy if i was bought a holiday and had it planned with a bit of leeway to add/change things.
I hate the thought of planning it all.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:13

What exactly wouldn’t you enjoy? He likes to travel! We are travelling, what’s the problem?

OP posts:
Freefall212 · 29/04/2023 13:13

Planning something for him should be for him, not for you. It seems you expected a lot in return rather than really doing it for him.

What made you think that what he would want would be a packed itinerary at a time when he is stressed out? That seems like the last thing most people want.

This really seems like you planned a trip you wanted and then expected appreication for the planning and made it all about you.

Lefteyetwitch · 29/04/2023 13:14

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:10

I booked a boat tour and dinner on his birthday, this is something he would like to do. Even if you don’t like something I would expect gratitude as someone of doing something for you. We haven’t had a holiday together so my thoughts was just experiencing that with him celebrating his birthday.

You said he said Thank you.

That's gratitude.

Shoelacesundone · 29/04/2023 13:15

I still think you're focusing on what you want and not him. You don't get to decide what makes other people happy and the thought of this trip with you doesn't seem to be making him happy.

Same on this thread...you keep telling us what you think and want rather than reflecting on what we're telling you.

Doesnt make you a bad person but you should be putting his wishes first....if you've never been on holiday together what makes you think he wants to? A big decision that should be joint was presented to him as a fait accompli and then he was told off for not being happy about it!

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:15

Of course there’s leeway. I booked a flight, hotel, rental car and a boat tour and dinner for his actual birthday. No other excursions/activities were booked. The itinerary just listed the dates of travel, flight times, hotel name, and just details on his actual birthday. The rest of the days said what time breakfast is and “the choice is yours” in terms of what we do!

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 29/04/2023 13:16

If he is stressed with work and finances them maybe he saw this as just more pressure? Personally l hate surprises and would be horrified if this was sprung on me, maybe he felt the same? ls it somewhere he has previously mentioned he'd like to visit? And the detailed itinerary is a bit much too, although it's not really controlling it's still your choices not his. Perhaps he would have preferred to have some say in it?

Lefteyetwitch · 29/04/2023 13:16

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:15

Of course there’s leeway. I booked a flight, hotel, rental car and a boat tour and dinner for his actual birthday. No other excursions/activities were booked. The itinerary just listed the dates of travel, flight times, hotel name, and just details on his actual birthday. The rest of the days said what time breakfast is and “the choice is yours” in terms of what we do!

So maybe something is wrong.
We're not him
But you can't make someone be excited about something they don't like.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:18

Well he’s just booked our trip to his sisters destination wedding in July so I beg to differ. I’m clarifying the details so I get more accurate responses. I’m reading what’s being said and appreciate it.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/04/2023 13:19

The trip is to Italy to a place I’ve wanted to go to but it was also the place that was in budget. I didn’t think the destination mattered so much as the intention was for him to have a break, enjoy some sunshine and a good time.

Booking a holiday to somewhere you want to go and then presenting it as a great surprise for him is a bit underhand, really. It's basically the holiday you want wrapped up as a surprise for him, which means it's not really about him at all.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:20

Ok. Just wanted thoughts on if I’m controlling

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 29/04/2023 13:21

Sorry O. P just saw the itinerary wasn't actually booked as such, apart from the day itself. I'm guessing he just felt he would have preferred to have been part of the discussion in that case and doesn't like surprises!

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