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Original poster

Does this make me controlling?

182 replies

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 12:01

I surprised boyfriends with a holiday for his birthday and it completely went to shit. He’s been really stressed with work and finances for some time now and I thought it would be nice to have a break. I made an itinerary listing all the plans I had made on it and given it to him. His reaction was so underwhelming and quite frankly my feelings were extremely hurt. It took alot of time, effort, energy and money to bring those plans to life and for him to have such a lacklustre response to it really upset me. I feel like he moved on really quickly once he had skimmed the itinerary and started talking about other things. I asked him if he’s happy about 4/5 times because I couldn’t see happiness anywhere on him. It completely blew my high and my energy fell flat. We got on with the day and he noticed and mentioned it to me. I told him I was expecting a bit more and got very emotional about it. In all honesty I just felt very unappreciated. He apologised but then cut a long story short we ended up arguing about it that evening and he said to me I’m controlling because he didn’t react the way I want him to react. Does me feeling unappreciated and expecting a more grateful and loving response mean I’m controlling?

OP posts:
Littleworkaholic · 29/04/2023 23:31

Sounds like you made his birthday all about you, thr thanks to you, the recognition of you, the grateful to you. Do you not get this anywhere else?

TheShellBeach · 29/04/2023 23:33

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 23:28

Getting too close, we’ve been together almost two years! I’m attending his sisters wedding with him in July and will be meeting his extended family. I think that’s more precious than a trip out the country.

But are you still not having sex?
How can you carry on seeing him when this is lacking in your relationship?

GreyCarpet · 29/04/2023 23:42

I mean an honest response would’ve been saying how he felt imo

But he did give you an honest response. It just wasn't the one you wanted.

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 29/04/2023 23:51

On your updates, I don't think he values you.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 23:57

hardly a response but ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild009 · 30/04/2023 00:09

What exactly was it that makes you think that?

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 30/04/2023 00:18

If he had expressed previously he would like to go to Marakesh and you had told him to book time off already he probably assumed that’s where you would be going and was disappointed to find out that wasn’t the case. I don’t know why you think destination doesn’t matter. If you said you wanted to see more live music and for your birthday hr tried to book your favourite band but couldn’t afford it so just booked his favourite band instead despite you having no interest in them would you not feel like it was a bit thoughtless? Would you not wonder why he couldn’t have tried to find a band he thought you would like rather than just saying well it’s still music and a gig and going with his favourite? Yes, fair enough if you couldn’t afford Marakesh, but you instead chose a place you want to go instead of looking for somewhere in budget that might compare in some way to Marakesh or offer some of the things he wanted to see or do there, a beach holiday on the Italian coast sounds very far away from a city break in Marakesh.

Sorry but it does make the gesture appear less thoughtful when you’ve built it around a destination on your bucket list and not his and then even more so when you’ve added an itinerary, so not only are you going to a place you’ve chosen because you like it (not because you particularly think he will) but then you’ve also planned out a significant portion of the trip. Part of the fun of going away is looking at what’s on offer and deciding what to do rather than having it predetermined. It’s less of an adventure if it’s already planned out step-by-step.

I don’t know that your behaviour was necessarilly ‘controlling’ but I do think you have essentially bought something for yourself and tried to model it as a gift for him and that actually it isn’t that thoughtful to decide go to a place you’ve wanted to go to ages rather than spend the time to find out which of the places in-budget he would most enjoy. Even people who enjoy travel for travelling sake have preferences when it comes to things like country, climate, city vs beach etc. You should have tried to match his preferences with what you could afford rather than just choosing your favourite place because you couldn't afford Marakesh.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 30/04/2023 00:32

Marrakech isn’t the only place he mentioned, it’s just the one I mentioned. We have had open conversations about where we’d like to travel to in the past and that came up. He has also said bali, Vietnam, Philippines and Malaysia - he turns 40 next year and was thinking of planning that for then. The itinerary was to inform him of the trip and the logistics. The only real “plan” was his actual birthday which consisted of a boat and dinner.
I don’t agree on part of the fun being what you’ve mentioned. Everyone’s idea of fun is different, some people like structure. Some people like to wake up early on holiday some people like to lie in. the only “step by step” planning was the logistics, as mentioned and his birthday. I researched things to do to ensure we would have things to look forward to but that wasn’t in there. It was very much “his choice”

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 30/04/2023 00:38

Moonchild009 · 30/04/2023 00:09

What exactly was it that makes you think that?

I'll tell you what makes me think he doesn't value you.
Reading through all your other threads about him demonstrates that you and he are never on the same page.
He seems to take pleasure in making you feel uncomfortable.
You've said you never have sex.
He doesn't prioritise you over anything.
Whatever you do, it is never enough/never any good.
He has managed to persuade you that he is "spiritual" and that he is "helping you to grow" which just sounds so lofty and nonsensical.

This latest thing over the holiday you've booked, planned and paid for is a case in point. Nothing you do is good enough and I do not think it ever will be.

Have a look back at your other threads. Honestly, the advice you got (especially on the "entrepreneur" one) was spot on. You would be best advised to ditch this man as there is no future for your relationship.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 30/04/2023 00:38

Also if I found somewhere similar to marrakech it would kind of defeat the purpose of eventually going. It’s not going anywhere, there will be an opportunity to go. My initial plan was to book a private chef to cook his favourite food but I couldn’t find one or book a hotel and spa but we do that often and it practically cost the same amount. It made sense to me to do things this way

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 30/04/2023 00:39

Moonchild009 · 30/04/2023 00:38

Also if I found somewhere similar to marrakech it would kind of defeat the purpose of eventually going. It’s not going anywhere, there will be an opportunity to go. My initial plan was to book a private chef to cook his favourite food but I couldn’t find one or book a hotel and spa but we do that often and it practically cost the same amount. It made sense to me to do things this way

A private chef?
WTF?

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 30/04/2023 00:40

What’s wrong with that?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 30/04/2023 00:41

He's called you controlling, but he seems to be the controlling one in this relationship.

He also gaslights you (rewrites what has happened) so that you inevitably feel you're in the wrong.
That's cruel.

TheShellBeach · 30/04/2023 00:43

Moonchild009 · 30/04/2023 00:40

What’s wrong with that?

Sorry - it just seems a bit OTT.

You've said elsewhere that he is difficult to please over food so it seems to be just another example of you bending over backwards to accommodate him and his selfishness.

He doesn't deserve you, is what I mean.

TheShellBeach · 30/04/2023 00:44

So are you having sex now, or not? Because that is a fundamental in a good relationship.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 30/04/2023 00:50

Yes we are. There’s definitely been improvements there. But generally it feels like our disagreements are petty and over such basic things. I thought I was attentive, hence the chef, to cook Thai food, but I’ll accept I missed the mark with the holiday. I feel like the stress of his work has taken away the fun from the relationship hence why I thought the holiday would also be a good idea.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 30/04/2023 01:35

I don't necessarily think you're controlling but maybe a bit too needy. You have the destination holiday coming up soon plus you've had some nights away elsewhere. You've planned holiday 'on budget' to a destination you wanted to go to and written out an itinerary including breakfast times. I'm sure the holiday will be nice but you seem to be expecting a 'big' reaction for something that's pretty standard for you two and not about him at all.
I don't think he doesn't like the holiday, though I'd guess with the wedding coming up soon and being self employed he'd have been just as happy with a bottle of aftershave and being 'king' for the day. You sulked and he asked you what was wrong so you told him.
From the tone of your replies, l bet he said something like 'Oh babe, of course I'm looking forward to it' but you whined and wouldn't let it lie so he got irritated and called you controlling. I think you were needy, then when you didn't get the response you hoped for you were manipulative. When your sulking seemed to work you pushed further....too much. Now you want us all to say what a horrid man he is because he wasn't jumping for joy at fhe thought of accompanying you on your holiday.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 30/04/2023 01:43

I wouldn’t like the way you have presented this as a present for me - yes it’s controlling.

ChristmasFluff · 30/04/2023 08:37

You spoiled his birthday because you wanted a specific reaction from him to your present - so yes, that's controlling.

"If you want a nice birthday in future, you have to be really effusive in your praise of my gift" - that's what he has learned from your behaviour.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 30/04/2023 09:16

What’s wrong with putting breakfast times down? I am not forcing him to go and eat breakfast it was for awareness. As was the other info.
He was looking at the itinerary for some time trying to figure out what it was. I made it clear we were going to amalfi, he said thanks, folded the paper up and walked to the kitchen to make some toast and changed the subject to our shopping trip later that day.

OP posts:
MalagaNights · 30/04/2023 09:56

I think when someone you love has evidently gone to a lot of effort to try to do something really lovely for you, you should respond with gratitude and appreciation.

You don't respond based on how much you you like the thing or not, you respond to the effort someone has gone to just for you.

It's more controlling and selfish to say: you must get my gifts exactly right otherwise I will demonstrate how underwhelmed I am by your effort.

The responses here are ridiculous: you shouldn't mention breakfast as that could upset him and justify his dismissive response!! Wtf? Are birthday gifts now exercises in: read my mind perfectly and present me with exactly what I want or I will sulk??

His response sounds really hurtful but he may not have meant it and may want to show you how much he appreciates the effort over the holiday itself.

I think the argument is probably him feeling a little bit of shame and guilt about his reaction. Find a way to let him show the appreciation without the accusations which trigger shame.

Say: I just really hope we're going have a lovely time together when we get there. And see.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 30/04/2023 10:14

I really appreciate your response and certainly agree with your pov of when receiving a gift. There have been times where he’s gifted me something I haven’t particularly liked e.g. a perfume from a work trip to dubai. I was still over the moon about the fact that he thought about me and tried to get me something he thought I may like. I could see the intention behind his gift.

I'll def give your advice a go thanks very much

OP posts:
BlueBellsArePretty · 30/04/2023 10:57

Agree with @MalagaNights you have planned and paid for something really lovely for his birthday and he should have shown more appreciation for your effort. The fact it's somewhere you've chosen is irrelevant as Italy is a lovely place to visit, it's hardly niche. Only the most twattish of people would have a problem with a free trip to Italy. I honestly don't know why so much of Mumsnet encourages total selfishness and bad manners.

TheShellBeach · 30/04/2023 11:05

I quite agree.
Initially I was of the opinion that the OP had overreacted to his under-reaction, but I've been reading her other threads about this man, and he doesn't come across well at all. There is a definite sense that the relationship has took be on his terms only, and also that this man blows hot and cold all the time, leaving the OP feeling uncertain and distressed.

Shoelacesundone · 30/04/2023 18:16

But also OP seems a lot less able than most to see things from anyone's perspective but her own and needs to go over and over ground again...it sounds unhappy and hard work all round.