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Original poster

Does this make me controlling?

182 replies

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 12:01

I surprised boyfriends with a holiday for his birthday and it completely went to shit. He’s been really stressed with work and finances for some time now and I thought it would be nice to have a break. I made an itinerary listing all the plans I had made on it and given it to him. His reaction was so underwhelming and quite frankly my feelings were extremely hurt. It took alot of time, effort, energy and money to bring those plans to life and for him to have such a lacklustre response to it really upset me. I feel like he moved on really quickly once he had skimmed the itinerary and started talking about other things. I asked him if he’s happy about 4/5 times because I couldn’t see happiness anywhere on him. It completely blew my high and my energy fell flat. We got on with the day and he noticed and mentioned it to me. I told him I was expecting a bit more and got very emotional about it. In all honesty I just felt very unappreciated. He apologised but then cut a long story short we ended up arguing about it that evening and he said to me I’m controlling because he didn’t react the way I want him to react. Does me feeling unappreciated and expecting a more grateful and loving response mean I’m controlling?

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild009 · 30/04/2023 19:53

I’ve acknowledged lots of other povs and taken them onboard. I’m not perfect and open to learning.

OP posts:
wineNcheeseifYplease · 01/05/2023 01:10

I think youmight have gotten yourself into a relationship where you are, denials by way of your oh, being asked to prove yourself and are going overboard trying to prove it. Do you usually plan things this way?

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 01/05/2023 07:28

ive only ever really planned surprises on occasions but usually most things are planned together. In hindsight when I’ve gifted him in the past his reactions are typically quite flat. He doesn’t seem moved by much so it’s his just personality. I feel that perhaps I’ve been trying to go above and beyond to do things that bring something out of him but it hasn’t worked

OP posts:
whichwayisup · 01/05/2023 09:00

I think maybe you just aren't a very good match. It's not a new relationship but the way you talk about each other it sounds like it is.

I mean, personally my guess would be he can't afford a trip away and he's a bit annoyed at the fact you've booked it but then after 2 years you'd expect him to be able to communicate that to you.

Asking if he can take days off is not the same as saying you are taking him abroad. Also... Marrakesh is not any more expensive than the Amalfi coast.. If anything, it is cheaper.

And yes, I think you do sound a bit controlling. But the thing is.. That's not always a terrible thing... You like to plan, take control and drive things in a particular direction, so what? plenty of people will be happy to have you do that in their life.

You were excited and thought he would be... After 2 years not to have predicted this reaction...hmmmm .. I just think you are mismatched.

I'd have bloody loved someone to book that holiday for me... I'd have been more excited than you. You just need to find the person who will love you for that gift and be as excited as you... It's not him.

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 02/05/2023 01:53

Moonchild009 · 01/05/2023 07:28

ive only ever really planned surprises on occasions but usually most things are planned together. In hindsight when I’ve gifted him in the past his reactions are typically quite flat. He doesn’t seem moved by much so it’s his just personality. I feel that perhaps I’ve been trying to go above and beyond to do things that bring something out of him but it hasn’t worked

He sounds like no matter how hard you try to please him, it's not enough or he's meh.

Did you have a parent like that?

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 02/05/2023 07:21

Turns out he didn’t want to go on the trip with me due to ptsd from an argument on our way back from Cornwall in 2021, despite him coming to join me for a work trip abroad after that.
I find it disingenuous as he booked our trip for his sisters wedding last week.
So my intuition was right, he wasn’t happy as he said I was and his reaction was flat for a reason. I don’t know why he stayed with me if he’s harbouring these feelings but we’ve broken up now.

OP posts:
Lcb123 · 02/05/2023 07:42

“The trip is to Italy to a place I’ve wanted to go to”
theres your answer. I’d hate to have a holiday booked for me, let alone to a place my partner wanted to go!

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 02/05/2023 07:52

He took me to a Thai restaurant on Valentine’s Day when that’s his favourite food, not mine. but it’s also “what he could afford”.

OP posts:
Noicant · 02/05/2023 08:01

I’d be a bit pissed off if DH booked me his ideal holiday destination. Also if work is stressful I would be annoyed if it puts additional pressure on me to meet deadlines etc and book annual leave at an inappropriate time.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 02/05/2023 08:09

I really didn’t think he would mind as he took me to a restaurant with cuisine that he likes on Valentine’s Day. I usually pay attention to detail but this time did the best that I could, thought its something he wouldn’t mind and thought a holiday was the goal.

OP posts:
Shoelacesundone · 02/05/2023 08:10

I'm sorry you've broken up...Will you travel alone or try to cancel the trip?

It does sound like you had differences in communication and so this is I hope for the best.

Obviously I don't know what happened on the Cornwall trip but ptsd from a single argument sounds quite over the top and doesn't tie with him booking the wedding trip...sounds like he wasn't keen to go on the trip and is now just trying to make you feel bad.

He's highly likely to "give you another chance" and you really need to think whether this is all worth it.

Mustardandchickensandwiches · 02/05/2023 08:12

Moonchild009 · 02/05/2023 07:21

Turns out he didn’t want to go on the trip with me due to ptsd from an argument on our way back from Cornwall in 2021, despite him coming to join me for a work trip abroad after that.
I find it disingenuous as he booked our trip for his sisters wedding last week.
So my intuition was right, he wasn’t happy as he said I was and his reaction was flat for a reason. I don’t know why he stayed with me if he’s harbouring these feelings but we’ve broken up now.

Called it!

Sorry Op, but it seems like it's for the best. Relationships, though they take work, should not be this hard.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 02/05/2023 08:24

Thank you <3 I’m going to change the name on the ticket and take my mum.
i was really shocked when he mentioned Cornwall. We were to spend 10 days away for the wedding so it doesn’t make any sense to me. It just makes me wonder, so if I did book Marrakech would he feel the same? Why am I only discovering that trip to Cornwall made him this uncomfortable. Before the big blow up the other night we were discussing travel to the airport, additional luggage - why have this chat if your intentions weren’t to go. It’s all just very disappointing.

it feels very final but also how can I be with someone who clearly doesn’t respect me, value me or who I find completely disingenuous. I can’t get over the fact that he actually declined, so how long would he have kept this pretence up for.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 02/05/2023 09:09

Really, I think you've dodged a bullet.
In a few weeks or months, you'll be able to look back on this and wonder why you stood him for so long.
He sounds like a very difficult man, always arguing with you and wrong-footing you into the bargain.
I'm sorry he's done this to you, though.
You're probably feeling awful at the moment.
Once you start going out with someone normal you'll see how bad this relationship was.

brunettemic · 02/05/2023 09:12

I don’t think you’re controlling but how does he usually react to surprises? I’m awful at it and I know I can appear ungrateful doing it even if I’m excited by it.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 02/05/2023 10:08

His responses are usually quite dry and underwhelming. He’ll say thanks but he won’t hug me/kiss me. I don’t really feel much warmth from his responses. So you could say I should’ve known better, But I really thought a holiday would change that, it’s the most extravagant thing I’ve done.
the argument the other night was caused because I came to the realisation that I’m always going to be left feeling flat after going what I felt was above and beyond for everything I do for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild009 · 02/05/2023 10:13

I realised that I require validation from him because I never felt accepted by him. I felt like he was trying to mould me into what he actually wanted me to be. Changing my eating habits, the way I talk, how loud I am, the things I watch. So me making all this effort was just seeking his approval and looking for signs of loving me for who I am and what I have to offer.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 02/05/2023 10:18

Some people are just like this with gifts. DH is similar.

I remember one Christmas I booked a weekend in Rome for the two of us, for the following spring. I booked a lovely hotel, flights, arranged for his parents to have our DCs for a couple of nights. I was so excited by it all.

Put the DCs to bed on Christmas eve and thought I'd surprise him with the present early as the next day would be manic with kids, family, cooking etc.

He opened the envelope, read it briefly then just put it down. I was really upset at the lack of response ..... at the time we were renovating our house and needed a break, hence me booking a weekend away ..... his response was "we could have bought 5 internal doors with that money" 🙄

CornedBeef451 · 02/05/2023 10:27

I would hate being surprised with a holiday!

TheShellBeach · 02/05/2023 10:59

Moonchild009 · 02/05/2023 10:13

I realised that I require validation from him because I never felt accepted by him. I felt like he was trying to mould me into what he actually wanted me to be. Changing my eating habits, the way I talk, how loud I am, the things I watch. So me making all this effort was just seeking his approval and looking for signs of loving me for who I am and what I have to offer.

That's very sad to read, OP.
I'm sorry he made you feel so unworthy all the time.
It'll take you a while to get over this but honestly, he wasn't a kind man at all.
It's really none of his business what you eat, is it.
He tried to mould you? That is another example of his controlling nature.
It doesn't sound like he accepted you at all for the person you actually were.
I think he rejected the holiday, ultimately, because he wasn't consulted on the planning. He was cruel to you over it. It was almost like he enjoyed seeing you so distressed by his non reaction.

Fidgety31 · 02/05/2023 12:53

If he’s skint - it’s no wonder he doesn’t want to go on this holiday ? How do you expect him to have any spending money ? He’s not gonna want to hold his hand out to you every time he wants a drink or something to eat .
I wouldn’t be impressed at being forced into a holiday by someone who knew I couldn’t afford it .

TheShellBeach · 02/05/2023 12:59

Fidgety31 · 02/05/2023 12:53

If he’s skint - it’s no wonder he doesn’t want to go on this holiday ? How do you expect him to have any spending money ? He’s not gonna want to hold his hand out to you every time he wants a drink or something to eat .
I wouldn’t be impressed at being forced into a holiday by someone who knew I couldn’t afford it .

RTFT. He's split up with the OP now.

TheShellBeach · 02/05/2023 16:01

And OP. People don't get PTSD from an argument they had in a car about something trivial. Well, not unless serious injuries resulted.
He's just being unkind and taking nonsense, to upset you and make you think you were in the wrong.

whichwayisup · 02/05/2023 16:37

I'm actually glad to hear you've split up. He's just not that into you but he's manipulated you into thinking that there's something you are doing wrong. Arse. He's got you jumping about trying hard to please him and I bet he's really not worth it. Sounds to me like he's been the one in control the whole time. He's an arse, go have a lovely time with your mum and eat as much pasta and pizza as you want without judgemental glances.

potniatheron · 02/05/2023 16:48

Controlling, yes. Especially since his is your first holiday together.

I'd be proper freaked out if a guy did this to me early on in a relationship. I like to pay my way and I like to have input into trip locations. I'd be especially if the guy then got 'very emotional' because he felt I hadn't reacted correctly.

More red flags than a Chinese Communist Party meeting.