Does this make me controlling?

[Moonchild009]

I surprised boyfriends with a holiday for his birthday and it completely went to shit. He’s been really stressed with work and finances for some time now and I thought it would be nice to have a break. I made an itinerary listing all the plans I had made on it and given it to him. His reaction was so underwhelming and quite frankly my feelings were extremely hurt. It took alot of time, effort, energy and money to bring those plans to life and for him to have such a lacklustre response to it really upset me. I feel like he moved on really quickly once he had skimmed the itinerary and started talking about other things. I asked him if he’s happy about 4/5 times because I couldn’t see happiness anywhere on him. It completely blew my high and my energy fell flat. We got on with the day and he noticed and mentioned it to me. I told him I was expecting a bit more and got very emotional about it. In all honesty I just felt very unappreciated. He apologised but then cut a long story short we ended up arguing about it that evening and he said to me I’m controlling because he didn’t react the way I want him to react. Does me feeling unappreciated and expecting a more grateful and loving response mean I’m controlling?

Well, if they wanted you to do it for them, then it's fair enough to expect gratitude. If I was stressed, juggling work and finances and someone presented me with a holiday in which I had no input and meant more financial stress and using up holiday entitlement, gratitude isn't what I'd be feeling.

And TBH, your opening post is ALL about you. Your energy going flat, how you expected gratitude, how hurt you are...

Re-reading your OP @Moonchild009 , I have a question. Are you a lot younger than your boyfriend?

Also, I can't believe you asked him '4 or 5' times if he was 'happy' and your 'energy shifted' ie you were in a modd because he didn't respond in the 'right' way.

All I can really do is put myself in his position and if a guy did this to me I'd feel hella suffocated.

we’re 6 years apart.

why wouldn’t my energy shift my natural response was disappointment. My excitement for the trip was no longer there cause the person I booked it for wasn’t excited. I could feel that he was being disingenuous and I was able to be genuine with my response.

He likes surprises so I surprised him. I asked him if he could take 5-9 off and he said he coukd. I assumed he would think I’m planning a trip, especially as we we’re recently speaking on holidays so I expected him to speak up then if he had any reservations.

i was sharing my feelings on a post I created. I’ve learnt lots of new perspectives based on the replies I’ve received. Irrespective I was right to feel how I felt so no probs there

I don't think you'll ever understand him because it sounds like he continually kept you off balance. Deliberately.
Whatever you did was always going to be wrong.
He sounds really unpleasant. Nothing you could have done would have been acceptable.
As I said before, he is cruel. You're well out of it.
But I understand that you're trying to make sense of it all.

I have had a turbulent relationship history, a lot of it (I have come to accept) down to me, and my instinctive expectations that other people should react to things in exactly the same way I do, and my tendency to get frustrated and/or distressed when they don't.

Everyone is different. Maybe your boyfriend doesn't want to go on the holiday, or maybe he feels embarrassed you are paying for it, or maybe he is too upset and concerned about something else to get that excited..... The possibilities are endless.

He said thank you - that is all that manners require really. Beyond that, he hasn't been actively rude or cruel about it, so I think you just have to accept he is a different person to you - that's not necessarily a bad thing.

(Or, you could do the kind of mad thing I would feel tempted to do, and go, oh well if you don't want to come with me I'll invite someone else! And fuck everything up. Really, don't do that. It's not worth losing a good relationship over a tiny emotional difference - take it from one who knows!)

Argh, sorry, my phone was only showing part of the thread and I thought I had read it to the end but I hadn't.

My apologies. Sorry you broke up over it and I hope you are ok. X