Does this make me controlling?

[Moonchild009]

I surprised boyfriends with a holiday for his birthday and it completely went to shit. He’s been really stressed with work and finances for some time now and I thought it would be nice to have a break. I made an itinerary listing all the plans I had made on it and given it to him. His reaction was so underwhelming and quite frankly my feelings were extremely hurt. It took alot of time, effort, energy and money to bring those plans to life and for him to have such a lacklustre response to it really upset me. I feel like he moved on really quickly once he had skimmed the itinerary and started talking about other things. I asked him if he’s happy about 4/5 times because I couldn’t see happiness anywhere on him. It completely blew my high and my energy fell flat. We got on with the day and he noticed and mentioned it to me. I told him I was expecting a bit more and got very emotional about it. In all honesty I just felt very unappreciated. He apologised but then cut a long story short we ended up arguing about it that evening and he said to me I’m controlling because he didn’t react the way I want him to react. Does me feeling unappreciated and expecting a more grateful and loving response mean I’m controlling?

Not everyone reacts in the same way to gifts. You set certain expectations of how he was meant to react in your head and when he didn't do that in the way you planned you got upset. It's on you

We can't control others reactions and force them to react the way we want

I mean there’s ways of saying things. If he had recognised the effort I made but said “actually I’m not happy. I don’t want to go because xyz” then I would listen and not feel as hurt because he appreciated the gesture and expressed his feelings. I would prob see if I could make it better depending on what his reasons were. Me having to ask if he’s happy was hurtful enough! There was no chat about anything so I was just confused.

I’ve been on the receiving end of gifts I don’t necessary like but I don’t make the person who’s gifted me feel shit about it.

I mean he is open minded and very interested in travel. He runs his own business and works 7 days a week so a break is something he’s said he’s needed. I’ve previously booked a night in london, with spa and dinner and there were no issues so thought I read the room quite alright.

A holiday you don't want is different though. It uses your time off work. Time off work is valuable. A gift you don't really like you can smile at, thank the person and move on from with good manners.

If he doesn't want to do the trip, he has no polite way out. He can't regift it. He can't return it. He can't offer it to someone else. If it's paid for and non-refundable, his only choice is to tell you he's not going, or to keep quiet. It sounds like he went for keeping quiet. He thanked you. He wasn't demonstrative enough so you pushed him on it and now it has made you seem controlling.

The other thing to consider is that you've not travelled together before. You're judgement on this isn't based on experience. You've decided you know him well enough to plan this surprise trip, but it looks like you don't. The intention may have been kind, but intention doesn't trump the inconvenience or frustration of feeling obliged to use annual leave and possibly his own limited money on a trip he doesn't want.

My DH wanted to take me away for my birthday one year. He made be a bespoke travel brochure with a holiday for each city he'd researched and found affordable flights and hotels for and told me to take my pick. It worked much better as he showed a lot of thought and effort in the planning and presentation but gave me the chance to have input in location and dates. I've found surprises which require the reciever's time often don't work well.

What your DH did was so sweet I would love that!
I wanted to alleviate the pressure from my bf by taking care of most things. Tbh I really thought being on a beach and by the sea would be enough, I didn’t put too much thought into it not being his destination of choice.

he’s met me out on a work trip abroad before so we’ve “travelled” but I wouldn’t call it a holiday. We’ve also done a roadtip to Cornwall.

honestly, I wouldn’t have been as hurt if a conversation was had and I had an understanding of what was going on upstairs.

Hmm, did he make you feel like shit or did you feel like shit because you had unrealistic expectations?

It isn't just a gift though, it's his time and on his birthday. Maybe he'd wanted to do something else?

You clearly wanted to do something nice for him, but for whatever reason it missed the mark.

Maybe he thought it was Marrakech. Maybe he wished the money you spent on this coukd have been saved towards that trip? Maybe he sees it as you using his birthday to do something you want and doesn't feel its about him at all. I think that would probably irritate you too.

You being taught to accept things that you're unhappy about doesn't mean that he should too. Add to that, he didn't say he was unhappy about anything. You made a point of asking him whether he was happy about it because you didn't like his body language to the point of arguing, that ain't great. He obviously tried to mask his feelings, just not well enough. Or do you think he was deliberately trying to make you feel bad?

You say he should have told you how he felt about it, but your last post indicates that he should have pretended to be grateful.

For whatever reason, the gift went wrong. You are perfectly entitled to feel disappointed about that. I think most people would, but you can't decide how he should have reacted to it.

I'm sorry that it didn't go down well, you must have been excited to tell him about it and now you feel flat.

Controlling isn't the right word but you were bang out of order. Lots of threads over the years about women not appreciating this and you making it about you is manipulative.

OK. I would hate something like this.

Especially if I were stressed already because when we are stressed our ability to process new information is reduced.

My exh would do things and not allowed time to process. He had had time to think the situation through and imagined a response from me (not for this scenario specifically but for other supposedly 'nice' things) and then he would be upset and turn it on me for not reacting how I was supposed to.

I read your "If he had recognised..." sentence and thought - yep, I've been there. I lived a lifetime of "You should have said..." or "If you had said..." where invariably things i was never going to say or do in the circumstances were the only correct responses..

He isn't going to follow the script in your head because he hasn't read it.

When I'm very stressed about something, I'm not capable of having a conversation where I clearly articulate my thoughts and feelings because I simply don't have the headspace for it.

It sounds like you tried to do a nice thing for him but it also sounds like he found the magnitude of it overwhelming and needed to process it before you got upset about not seeing the response you wanted.

I'd be disappointed that he reacted like that too.

However, has this hurt his pride as he can't afford to do it for you? Or is he concerned about spending money etc?

If he works for himself, and money is right, do you think he could be concerned about the time off work and/or the stress of it all?

As others have said though, a book you have no interest in reading or clothing you don't like is easier to deal with than a 5 day holiday.

He may well need a break but surely it is for him to decide when it is the right time for that and not to have a 5 day absence imposed on him?

This reminds me of an episode of The Simpsons where Homer bought Marge a bowling ball for her birthday and she was not too impressed. The moral being that if you buy something that is basically for yourself, don’t be too surprised at the reaction when you dress it up as a present for someone else.

I asked him 2 weeks ago if he could take the dates off. He said yes. Thursday is when I gave him the itinerary and this all unfolded. The trip is next week. He could’ve asked me what for at the time I asked him, so don’t think it’s fair to say imposed.

You ask if you're controlling

You tried to control his reaction to your gift, by asking him multiple times what he thought.

Then he asked you what was wrong so I assume you were huffy

Are you controlling?

Yes. And childish

@Moonchild009 have you heard of the expression that

"expectations are just premeditated resentments"?

You thought you'd done a wonderful thing and were excited by your gift, you didn't have the reaction from your partner that you'd expected, so now you feel rubbish.

You had high expectations that he'd love it but it would seem that what he felt was shame/failure to receive such a generous gift from you.

I would suggest cancelling the trip (hopefully refundable).

I would also have a think about why he sees you as controlling though.

Obviously there was a shift in my energy. I wasn’t huffing and puffing but i wear my feelings on my face. If asking if he’s happy makes me childish then so be it

@Moonchild009 You are not childish lovely, you are disappointed. 💐

Thank you! Disappointed that he didn’t like it and disappointed that I failed.

Tbf you're not meant to give gifts because you want admiration and thanks. Maybe he didn't want to go away and it felt like just another thing to add to his to do list.

So what would you think if someone is asking you to take time off work?

I love travelling but I would honestly HATE a gift like that. I would find the whole thing controlling.

Controlling where we went, deciding what I do on my birthday, booking a holiday without consulting me, working out an itinerary that I had no input on, deciding what days I took off work, asking me NUMEROUS times if I was happy and then pulling a childish tantrum because I didn't seem excited enough. Getting very emotional because someone "moved on too quickly" after receiving a gift is controlling.

You cannot control how someone receives a gift they did not ask for, let alone arranging their whole birthday and fine picking a holiday they didn't know they was going on and the problem is he didn't leap high enough in the air in gratitude according to you?

Honestly that would drive me insane.

It doesn't sound like he didn't like it though just like you got weird about his reaction.

And a gift that didn't go perfectly isn't a 'failure' you haven't failed anything.

I think you put way way too much on his reaction.

Honestly, the replies on here, it’s a wonder anyone ever gets anything right…🙄

OP, I don’t think you were controlling at all. I’ve been ‘surprised’ by my DH like this a few times and always loved it - you weren’t to know he would react like this. Unfortunately I think it’s a red flag for your relationship, not in terms of abuse but incompatibility. Neither of you are ‘wrong’ in how you’ve reacted, but it may be that sharing your lives may mean one or both of you may have to turn yourselves inside out to please the other, in a way that just isn’t sustainable. Stop blaming yourself for this and just keep an eye on what happens. You can always cancel and go off to wherever it is by yourself.