Does this make me controlling?

[Moonchild009]

I surprised boyfriends with a holiday for his birthday and it completely went to shit. He’s been really stressed with work and finances for some time now and I thought it would be nice to have a break. I made an itinerary listing all the plans I had made on it and given it to him. His reaction was so underwhelming and quite frankly my feelings were extremely hurt. It took alot of time, effort, energy and money to bring those plans to life and for him to have such a lacklustre response to it really upset me. I feel like he moved on really quickly once he had skimmed the itinerary and started talking about other things. I asked him if he’s happy about 4/5 times because I couldn’t see happiness anywhere on him. It completely blew my high and my energy fell flat. We got on with the day and he noticed and mentioned it to me. I told him I was expecting a bit more and got very emotional about it. In all honesty I just felt very unappreciated. He apologised but then cut a long story short we ended up arguing about it that evening and he said to me I’m controlling because he didn’t react the way I want him to react. Does me feeling unappreciated and expecting a more grateful and loving response mean I’m controlling?

No he sounds like an ungrateful swine as does everyone else sticking up for him here!

I mean body language and energy is a real thing. Anyone can say thank you but I could obviously feel that it was just a case of being polite hence why I kept asking if he’s happy.

Does it read to him like you want a holiday and since he can't afford it you're funding him and calling it his birthday present. If he's got the destination wedding in July he already has a break away. And he needs to provide spending money for this holiday. So I can see how he might not be thrilled. I once had a row with dh over not showing enough gratitude for a gift but I felt it was a box ticked for him rather than something he actually put thought into.

I would be thrilled if someone gave me a surprise holiday. I like surprises and spontaneity though, I think it's a personality thing. My ex would've reacted the same way your partner has, and it would have upset me. Misery guts spoiling the energy all the time.

I agree with a previous poster saying completely withdraw from talking about it now and see if he comes round the idea. It may have been a shock for him.

He hasn’t mentioned or shown interest in the places that were affordable so that didn’t really make sense to me. I tried and that’s what feels like has fallen on deaf ears

You were very excited to give it to him, but it's sometimes hard to be the recipient and generate the emotion being hoped for in the moment. People aren't automatons. Sometimes you can't really process of appreciate something immediately.

But I understand it's disappointing for you when you are excited.

Try to wait and see whether as it approaches he gets more excited, if he really enjoys it how much he appreciates your thoughtfulness thene.

There's lots of time for the appreciation to be shown, don't judge him harshly for not producing the right response at that one moment.

Yes controlling sorry. Any gift is about the happiness of the reciever. Your gift unfortunately missed the mark and didn't make him happy. You can't then demand gratefulness

OP I had a similar experience with DH (before we were married). He also had some financial issues and I thought it would be a treat for him, but in fact he just felt more crap that he was so skint - although I’d booked an all inclusive holiday, naturally anyone would want a bit of money in their back pocket for a holiday or trip. He enjoyed the holiday, probably more than I did, it was just his initial anxiety.
If on top of this your DP has got a destination wedding to attend he’s going to be feeling stressed about how he can afford it all, on top of the stress he has at work.

I’d encourage you to have a chat with him and see if he’s concerned about the costs for the trip, and if so, consider if this is this something you can fully fund yourself (including spending money) or postpone until he’s in a better financial position.
He may be feeling embarrassed that you’ve gone to so much effort and he can’t afford it, or feel pressured into doing something similar for your birthday when he can’t afford it (though I know that’s not why you’ve done it, but he could feel the expectation is there).

Thankyou really appreciate this!

Thanks so much this resonates

I feel your pain OP. I would be hurt too in your situation because I would feel like my loving gesture, thought, effort (and money!) were snubbed and unappreciated.

It might be more important to reflect on the fact that your boyfriend said you are controlling. Your boyfriend thinks you have been controlling in this scenario. It doesn't really matter whether random MNetters validate whether or not you are controlling because they are not in a relationship with you. Your boyfriend is.

Dr Phil has a line when people who have come to him for help with relationships argue the toss about details; "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"

I can understand your perspectives, but it's a mix with emotions at times, some people can be e.g. Jumping up and down at the gift, others could be more like Sheldon Cooper personality and be cold reaction even if they appreciate it,

Are you sure everything's OK between you OP. It might not be that he doesn't want to go away, it might be he doesn't want to go away with you......

I don't think either of you are wrong per se, but in this situation I can sympathise with your BF.

I love travelling, and given unlimited money, and, even more importantly, time, I'm sure I would enjoy the gift of a surprise holiday. But my annual leave is a precious resource and although I'd try to be gracious, in all honestly I would hate being obliged to use it on a trip I didn't choose.

If he's really keen to go to. Morroco, perhaps he would have preferred to have put the money towards a future trip.

Unfortunately, the bigger the gift, the harder it is to be genuinely appreciative if it misses the mark. It's easy to be all smiles about a box of chocolates that you can't stand, but when you know that someone has spend hundreds of pounds on something you really don't want, it's difficult to hide the disappointment over what you'd rather they had spent the money spent on.

But he also hadn't shown any interest in the place you wanted to visit (and that you ended up booking) - which is what makes it look like you primarily booked the holiday for you.

I think you tried to do a nice thing and I don't think you meant it come across the way it did, but I completely see his viewpoint as well. If you're going to book a holiday for someone, it should be somewhere they've expressed an interest in visiting, really.

Personally I'd have been really annoyed as I tend to have my own ideas about where I want to go.

You’re right it should

It doesn’t make you controlling OP, and it was a kind thought, but I would absolutely hate to have a holiday booked for me. I’d hate everything about it - the fact that I was being paid for, the fact that I had no say in the decision, that my time was being dictated - it would be my worst nightmare, and I would struggle to fake enthusiasm. Maybe your boyfriend feels the same.

But this doesn't make you a controlling person, just someone who got things a bit wrong in this instance. As did he.

Do you not enjoy your loved ones treating you to anything or is it just the holiday you’re not really keen on?
He loves to travel and hasn’t been able to due to finances. He also likes surprises and adventures. I asked him to take time off work for a few days so I assumed he would think we’re going somewhere.

You said in your OP and a subsequent post that you asked him multiple times if he was happy, because he didn’t react enthusiastically. What did you want to achieve from that?

Were you hoping to prompt him to suddenly act really grateful so you could feel good, or did you want the truth?

If he had turned around and said “actually I’m not happy. I don’t want to go” would that have been ok? Or would you have accused him of being ungrateful and caused an argument?

I think the answer to those questions are key to whether you’re controlling or not.

But whatever your intention he doesn't seem to like the gift. Instead of putting that energy into justifying to yourself how he SHOULD feel you just need to allow him his feelings.

I guess I just don't see what you planned as a treat in any way.

I mean, if DH told me I had to take some time off work to go somewhere I had very little interest in, I'd tell him to go on his own, lol. Time off work is too precious to spend it doing stuff you have no real interest in.

Holidays are very different to other surprises in many ways.

Lots of fun, romantic stuff is suddenly seen as controlling or creepy, so giving a holiday used to be a sweet gesture and is now open to interpretation.

Giving a present with expectation of screams of delight and policing how happy or not people are is a bit off yes. You are doing it for you, not for them.

But, lesson learned. Don’t invest lots of money in surprises again maybe? How is your relationship generally?