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Original poster

Does this make me controlling?

182 replies

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 12:01

I surprised boyfriends with a holiday for his birthday and it completely went to shit. He’s been really stressed with work and finances for some time now and I thought it would be nice to have a break. I made an itinerary listing all the plans I had made on it and given it to him. His reaction was so underwhelming and quite frankly my feelings were extremely hurt. It took alot of time, effort, energy and money to bring those plans to life and for him to have such a lacklustre response to it really upset me. I feel like he moved on really quickly once he had skimmed the itinerary and started talking about other things. I asked him if he’s happy about 4/5 times because I couldn’t see happiness anywhere on him. It completely blew my high and my energy fell flat. We got on with the day and he noticed and mentioned it to me. I told him I was expecting a bit more and got very emotional about it. In all honesty I just felt very unappreciated. He apologised but then cut a long story short we ended up arguing about it that evening and he said to me I’m controlling because he didn’t react the way I want him to react. Does me feeling unappreciated and expecting a more grateful and loving response mean I’m controlling?

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/04/2023 17:27

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 16:42

So what would you think if someone is asking you to take time off work?

Well, personally I wouldn't take time off without knowing exactly what it was for - especially as a business owner who doesn't get holiday pay.

What did he say when you told him to book some time off?

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 17:35

He said “Ok 😊I’ll get someone to cover”. I then said are you sure? But he didn’t reply. he’s usually quite busy and sometimes skims messages.

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 29/04/2023 17:42

I'd be livid if someone made me take a massive chunk of my annual leave and I had no say in where I was going.

Swellinyewing · 29/04/2023 17:45

I just looked back at some of your other posts OP, always about your partner and always very childish and always with some sort of silly problem and always on the rocks.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/04/2023 17:50

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 17:35

He said “Ok 😊I’ll get someone to cover”. I then said are you sure? But he didn’t reply. he’s usually quite busy and sometimes skims messages.

Hm, then I'd say he's partially at fault for taking leave without asking about your plans - that would have given him a chance to speak up and say he didn't want to go.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 17:51

Well luckily no one can make you do anything! If you don’t like surprises that fine. I asked my partner if he could take the time off, and he is a business owner. He also likes surprises. Missing the mark is another thing.

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 29/04/2023 18:53

I wouldn't want to be told to book leave without a say I where I spend it. Particularly if it turned out it wasn't chosen because it was somewhere I had said I'd like to go.

TheShellBeach · 29/04/2023 21:19

Frith2013 · 29/04/2023 17:42

I'd be livid if someone made me take a massive chunk of my annual leave and I had no say in where I was going.

He's an entrepreneur.

TheShellBeach · 29/04/2023 21:23

OP I've been reading your other posts about this bloke and I have to say that he sounds like a nightmare.
He seems to take from you emotionally so much.
Is it time you stepped back from this - it's been two years and you're never happy.

monsteramunch · 29/04/2023 21:37

OP I think it would be useful for you to have a read back through your previous threads about this relationship. And to do so with an open mind, trying to view it all as objectively as possible imagining someone else has written your posts.

It really, really, really isn't all this hard when the relationship is a healthy one, I promise.

The dynamic isn't going to serve you in the long term when it comes to your health and happiness.

Whatthefnow · 29/04/2023 21:41

The controlling part comes into play if you're being off with him or giving him the silent treatment for not reacting in the way you wanted him to.

AxolotlOnions · 29/04/2023 22:08

If you're self employed taking time off can be a massive pain, to then do it for a trip that isn't what you asked for... He wanted to go to a pretty cheap destination, I'd be pretty annoyed if I were him too. Especially if I was then expected to be grateful for not getting what I wanted.

PeaceLilyCactus · 29/04/2023 22:16

You’re not being controlling. Please don’t feel like you have to defend yourself as you’ve done nothing wrong. My selfish ex was the same. I remember paying a lot of money for a special experience for him (which he later raved about to other people) but when the two other men (who also took part) came out and hugged their wives immediately after, and my ex barely acknowledged what I’d done for him, I felt really unappreciated. He took me for granted all the time. Stop wasting your effort and energy on someone who doesn’t really love you back.

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 29/04/2023 22:25

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 14:49

Do you not enjoy your loved ones treating you to anything or is it just the holiday you’re not really keen on?
He loves to travel and hasn’t been able to due to finances. He also likes surprises and adventures. I asked him to take time off work for a few days so I assumed he would think we’re going somewhere.

Does he treat you in the same way with big gifts and holidays for you?

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 22:34

He paid for our trip to his sisters wedding which he says is a holiday but I don’t really see it has a holiday. He has booked overnight stays in lovely hotels and lavish dinners on occasions.

OP posts:
Scienceadvisory · 29/04/2023 22:34

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 16:32

Obviously there was a shift in my energy. I wasn’t huffing and puffing but i wear my feelings on my face. If asking if he’s happy makes me childish then so be it

But you didn't just ask if he was happy. You asked him multiple times. You then acted off with him for the rest of the day. That's the controlling bit. You badgered him for a response over and above him already saying thank you because thank you wasnt enough for you. You then responded in a passive aggressive manner because he wasn't enthusiastic enough. Honestly, even if he thought the gift was great he still might not respond in the way you want. Not everybody is over the top and reacts like they're on reality TV or TikTok.

The fact you've booked to go to a place you really wanted rather than a place for him just compounds this issue.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 22:40

i didn’t act off for for the rest of the day, I don’t really harbour things, I would prefer to air things out and move on. We went shopping and by then I was over it. The argument came about in the evening.

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 29/04/2023 22:41

OP, rather than itinerary, you should have given him a scripted response. Even though your intentions were good, you planned a birthday trip that you would have enjoyed, and then when he provided his honest response you were unhappy. You expected a response designed to make you happy.

Accept his response as an adequate response from a depressed man. The trip may have a lightening of his mood effect and then your goal will have been realized.

.

pizzaHeart · 29/04/2023 22:45

I don’t know but maybe he saw it as you were getting too close to him and moving relationship to the next stage whereas he wasn’t ready for it.
I wouldn’t call you controlling, I’m controlling so I wouldn’t leave the house even for an hour without knowing where and why I’m going and having a massive say in it. I hate surprises like this, the situation of watching over my reaction and I always need some time to process things. I can’t say if your partner is the same, it’s just for you to know that some people think differently.

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 29/04/2023 22:45

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 22:34

He paid for our trip to his sisters wedding which he says is a holiday but I don’t really see it has a holiday. He has booked overnight stays in lovely hotels and lavish dinners on occasions.

That doesn't count as it's for his sister. Eating out, meh. Overnight in hotel, meh. Does he pay for the meals and hotels or is it split?

Birthday, Christmas, Valentine's day? Gifts specifically for you?

You didn't say how long you've been dating.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 22:59

when we took a trip to Cornwall I made an itinerary and it wasn’t an issue so not sure why the focus is on that here. That’s my way of bringing the fun and being creative and also being organised. I mean an honest response would’ve been saying how he felt imo. I was just trying to lift his spirits

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 29/04/2023 23:06

I think you're wasting your emotional energy on this man. He does not appreciate you.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 23:07

He pays for the meals and hotels on occasions. We both pay when eating out, not split. We’ve been together 2 years in July. He couldn’t afford to get me a gift this Christmas, last Christmas he bought me designer shoes, perfume and toiletries. Valentines, booked an apartment and meal. Birthday, hotel and meal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 23:28

Getting too close, we’ve been together almost two years! I’m attending his sisters wedding with him in July and will be meeting his extended family. I think that’s more precious than a trip out the country.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 23:29

obviously upsetting to hear but it resonates.

OP posts:
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