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Original poster

Does this make me controlling?

182 replies

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 12:01

I surprised boyfriends with a holiday for his birthday and it completely went to shit. He’s been really stressed with work and finances for some time now and I thought it would be nice to have a break. I made an itinerary listing all the plans I had made on it and given it to him. His reaction was so underwhelming and quite frankly my feelings were extremely hurt. It took alot of time, effort, energy and money to bring those plans to life and for him to have such a lacklustre response to it really upset me. I feel like he moved on really quickly once he had skimmed the itinerary and started talking about other things. I asked him if he’s happy about 4/5 times because I couldn’t see happiness anywhere on him. It completely blew my high and my energy fell flat. We got on with the day and he noticed and mentioned it to me. I told him I was expecting a bit more and got very emotional about it. In all honesty I just felt very unappreciated. He apologised but then cut a long story short we ended up arguing about it that evening and he said to me I’m controlling because he didn’t react the way I want him to react. Does me feeling unappreciated and expecting a more grateful and loving response mean I’m controlling?

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 29/04/2023 13:21

Is Italy somewhere your bf has really wanted to go to ?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/04/2023 13:22

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:20

Ok. Just wanted thoughts on if I’m controlling

I didn't think so at first, but with your updates I'd actually say that you are a little bit controlling.

You've booked the holiday you want, to the place you want to go, and presented to him as some kind of wonderful surprise that he should be hugely grateful for. But why should he grateful for something that's actually all about you, and that he never asked for or said he wanted to begin with?

NotAnotherBathBomb · 29/04/2023 13:22

This would be my worst nightmare. I like to travel but there are many places I have no interest in going to. Italy isn't near the top of my list 🤷🏽‍♀️

Urban769 · 29/04/2023 13:24

Maybe he doesn't feel he can take the time off work? Especially if you're going to a big foreign wedding later on?
Even if you've paid For the bulk of the trip he's still going to need spending money.
Hopefully he'll relax when he's there but you should maybe acknowledge that
a) it is always easier to be the giver than the receiver
b) you've had loads of time to get excited, he's been surprised and hasn't had time to get his head around the logistics

Liorae · 29/04/2023 13:24

vivaespanaole · 29/04/2023 12:30

He could be being ungrateful but i can possibly see it from another perspective.

My idea of hell is opening gifts in front of other people particularly the giver. My mum did this the other day. She was all giddy and wanted to give me one of my gifts early because it might be useful for my holiday. This involved opening it infront of 6 people with them all looking at my reaction which for me is just awful.

I am also not an immediate person. I like to sit and process things and then come back to people will well thought out and genuine thanks. So i can see that my strange ways might come across wooden and ungrateful. I know my way isn't acceptable in polite society so i feel forced to fake it.

I also hate giving gifts due to the pressure to get it right and prefer to not be there when people open then. My mum is quite needy and needs 'the reaction' and approval and it makes me feel really odd. Id actually rather have no gift then us both feel like this.

Rather then keep asking (forcing him to retreat even further into his shell). Try giving him a bit of space and letting him process it and come back to you. If he never does then he may well be ungrateful.

The fully planned itinerary make have come across as being a bit overwhelming. I am sure he is grateful really and may be someone who then gushes about it after the lovely weekend has happened as oppose to in anticipation.

And yet people expect children to be ok with having to open Christmas/birthday gifts in front of an audience. I've always found that strange.

bingobanjo · 29/04/2023 13:25

Giving gifts and then using them for emotional leverage is manipulative, yes.

I used to get “in trouble” for not reacting properly to gifts in a controlling relationship and gifts from partners still trigger me now.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/04/2023 13:25

An example from my life is that I know DH really wants to go to Scotland to climb Ben Nevis - he's been talking about it for ages. I've done it before and have no real interest in doing it again.

If, for my birthday, he presented me with a holiday to Ben Nevis and expected me to be hugely thankful, I'd be a bit cheesed off really. Not because I don't enjoy travelling, but because it wouldn't really be for me.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:27

No probs. He does like surprises but doesn’t like gifts so thought an experience would solve that. We have previously done the same thing so thought it would be nice to do something different.

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 29/04/2023 13:28

He has financial issues and you're spending money. So you have shared finances?

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:33

No, but he doesn’t really like to go to cities he’s been to before. He’s been to a few places in Italy but never to the coast where I’ve booked. We’ve spoken about it a few times. I couldn’t afford a trip to Marrakesh where he would really like to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:36

Because the intention was to have a break. Relax, take his mind off things. it could’ve been the coast of England the intention remains the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:36

No we don’t have shared finances.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:39

Thats a good point and I understand that perspective. I really didn’t think the destination mattered that much if the intentions were there but thank you

OP posts:
Ceebeegee · 29/04/2023 13:43

Not controlling,
But....
If they're stressed at work and have financial worries, maybe a trip away is the last thing they want until things are settled down.

If I'm worried about finances , going on a trip and having to find funds for the spending money would the last thing I want. I would be annoyed with my partner for booking it and for them expecting me to fawn over them for their not-helpful surprise.

And there's a wedding coming up too ? More expense they're probably worrying about.

Sorry op I know you meant well ,
But no , calling you controlling isn't on.

MichelleScarn · 29/04/2023 13:51

Even if you don’t like something I would expect gratitude as someone of doing something for you.
For me, this does sound controlling, and like something a parent would demand of a child!

wineNcheeseifYplease · 29/04/2023 13:52

bingobanjo · 29/04/2023 13:25

Giving gifts and then using them for emotional leverage is manipulative, yes.

I used to get “in trouble” for not reacting properly to gifts in a controlling relationship and gifts from partners still trigger me now.

I agree with this. I get so anxious about receiving gifts and not giving what is deemed to be the appropriate response.

He reacted the way he reacted, rightly or wrongly. You got angry and think he should have behaved differently.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:55

Fair enough. I’m not ashamed to say i expected more from him. I don’t expect him to go and book me a trip in return but just some excitement, inquisitiveness, a bit of joy would have been nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:57

I’ve always been taught to show gratitude because you don’t know what it took for someone to do for you. So maybe.

OP posts:
NotAnotherBathBomb · 29/04/2023 13:57

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:57

I’ve always been taught to show gratitude because you don’t know what it took for someone to do for you. So maybe.

Still not getting it. And sounding more manipulative with every post.

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:59

ive read and agree with many posts. I’m sharing my perspective/thought process to get better responses but thanks

OP posts:
drpet49 · 29/04/2023 14:00

WandaWonder · 29/04/2023 12:29

I do get why you are upset but I also think it's unfair to make a decision/plan, do it all then expect a certain reaction just because you decided it had had to happen

You cant control the way people act we can all go 'well they should just be grateful'

This

Lefteyetwitch · 29/04/2023 14:01

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:57

I’ve always been taught to show gratitude because you don’t know what it took for someone to do for you. So maybe.

So did he say Thank you?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 29/04/2023 14:02

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 13:57

I’ve always been taught to show gratitude because you don’t know what it took for someone to do for you. So maybe.

But he did say thank you, he just didn't respond with as much enthusiasm as you wanted or expected.

Why should he be massively grateful for the fact that you booked him a holiday that's primarily based around your wants, not his?

I know you say you couldn't afford Marrakesh, but I'm sure there were other affordable options that weren't "the place in Italy you've always wanted to visit".

Original poster
Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 14:02

Yes

OP posts:
Lefteyetwitch · 29/04/2023 14:03

Moonchild009 · 29/04/2023 14:02

Yes

So he did show gratitude.

Just not enough to satisfy you.

So why do you keep saying he hasn't shown gratitude?

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