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Original poster

Like a flip has switched

196 replies

Greenissle · 28/04/2023 08:42

Been with DH for 16 years I'm 34 years old, we have 3 children together with the youngest only 2 months old. Sorry this is long I just don't want the leave any details out.

DH went out with a few new girls from his work 2 weeks ago and I was ok with this. The next day he stated he was unhappy with his appearance and was researching nose jobs. He's been losing weight and started using sun beds.

1 week ago I felt like DH was being distant. He text me from work last Friday and said he was coming home to get dressed and heading out with friends, he literally give me 1 hours notice and I had been at home all day with the children. I was annoyed and said 'no your not' but I would never stop him I was just angry. He came home got dressed and went out without even speaking to me, he came home at 4.30am.

The next day he wouldn't speak to me and refused to tell me who he was with and where he was. Since then he has been acting like he doesn't care anymore, is being hurtful with his words and is no longer really helping me with the younger children. When I try to talk to him about how I feel or to sort things out he is shutting me down.

I don't understand what's happened. I don't know who he's become this past few weeks. He has been struggling with work pressures for a while and I have suspected low mood but he disagrees, is it a midlife crisis or has he snapped I don't know. I'm trapped because I'm on Maternity and need him for money at the moment. I'm so upset he is making me miserable but acting like I'm the problem. Perhaps he just doesn't love me anymore but he won't tell me that.

OP posts:
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5
JamHam · 28/04/2023 08:44

He's met someone else. Sorry op.

This is classic cheating behaviour.

Acheyknees · 28/04/2023 08:50

Yes, I agree I'm afraid, he's met someone else. But there is no way I'd tolerate his behaviour. If he won't talk, just text him (as he has done to you) saying 'I'm going out on Friday with friends, make sure you're home by 6 o'clock'. Don't allow him to leave all the childcare to you.

Mintakan · 28/04/2023 08:50

I agree he’s had his head turned by someone.

Crazykatie · 28/04/2023 08:53

He has been hit on by one of the “new girls”, if it was me he would be finding somewhere else to sleep tonight.

dietcokelime · 28/04/2023 08:53

Oh sorry OP, does sound a bit suspicious.

Goes on a night out with new work girls, within two weeks is out until 4.30am, dieting and going on sun beds? I'd be suspicious of my DH too.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 28/04/2023 08:55

I think maybe he has had his head turned (the weight loss and sudden concerns about his appearance) but actually I'm not sure he would be being quite so obvious if an affair was actually happened?
Have you noticed any case of "mentionitis" OP? Has he suddenly started mentioning a particular women at work?
Is he secretive with his phone?
I think you need to have it out with him. Explain you will not tolerate this behaviour. He cant waltz out for nights with no notice when he has 3 month old.
Ask him directly what the problem is. his answer will then tell you what to do next. Good Luck.

Original poster
Greenissle · 28/04/2023 08:56

I know it is really suspicious he's too smart I would never catch him or really know unless someone else seen him or something.

I don't understand why he is being so cruel to me though. He's basically gaslighting me saying in the 'nut job'. He slept downstairs the last 3 nights but I haven't done anything at all, he says that I don't ever listen and go to bed early every night so he may aswell go out.

I mean we have an 8 week old baby and a 1 year old so I'm getting them into a good routine first. He uses work as an excuse to sit on his laptop at any given opportunity doing 'stuff'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenissle · 28/04/2023 08:59

He has shown me pictures of the girls from work to be honest they are not his type at all but I guess you never know. They do seem to have got comfortable with him very quickly, asked him to go for a walk the other night but he said no and told me that was weird.

I think maybe someone has flirted with him and a little spark has went off in his head like he's too good for me now or something.

OP posts:
JamHam · 28/04/2023 09:01

Greenissle · 28/04/2023 08:56

I know it is really suspicious he's too smart I would never catch him or really know unless someone else seen him or something.

I don't understand why he is being so cruel to me though. He's basically gaslighting me saying in the 'nut job'. He slept downstairs the last 3 nights but I haven't done anything at all, he says that I don't ever listen and go to bed early every night so he may aswell go out.

I mean we have an 8 week old baby and a 1 year old so I'm getting them into a good routine first. He uses work as an excuse to sit on his laptop at any given opportunity doing 'stuff'.

This is standard op. It's part of the script.

Original poster
Greenissle · 28/04/2023 09:04

I've added some texts below, the first was last month and then the others are how he is responding to me the past week.

Like a flip has switched
Like a flip has switched
Like a flip has switched
OP posts:
QueenBitch666 · 28/04/2023 09:05

The coming home at 04.30 when he's got 3 kids would have me kicking him out. What a prick

Original poster
Greenissle · 28/04/2023 09:06

This mornings one which was in response to him saying it was a shame he couldn't go out tonight because he has to do something else. Why even say this to me like trying to make me upset.

Like a flip has switched
OP posts:
Silverrocks · 28/04/2023 09:07

This is what cheats do OP, try to excuse their behaviour by blaming you and/or pushing you to the point where you make the choice to leave so they aren't the bad guy (in their mind anyway).

ThatFraggle · 28/04/2023 09:08

Standard. Even if he hasn't physically cheated, he's checked out of your relationship.

crumpet · 28/04/2023 09:09

Yep. Mine went so far as to get himself a sports car as part of his re imaging. He had checked out totally.

ThatFraggle · 28/04/2023 09:10

Silverrocks · 28/04/2023 09:07

This is what cheats do OP, try to excuse their behaviour by blaming you and/or pushing you to the point where you make the choice to leave so they aren't the bad guy (in their mind anyway).

All of this.

If he acknowledged you were a loyal partner & good mum it would mean he's a dickhead.

So he rewrites the script in his head that you're a harpie and he's a downtrodden poor soul who deserves the attention being offered outside the marriage.

SmileyClare · 28/04/2023 09:11

Sorry to be that person but it’s “like a switch has been flipped”

Im sorry you’re going through this.
Look you need to talk to him (preferably when dc are in bed and you can both be calm)

Having a new baby is a huge strain on a relationship, having 3 dc is a huge strain.

You say this is a sudden change in behaviour? Was he a decent husband and father a few weeks ago? Is this salvageable?
He’s in the wrong: it’s likely he’s flattered by some female attention at work, he’s enjoying a little taste of his youth- going out, getting pissed, flirting. It’s pathetic to be frank.

You may be able to get past this if he can own up to his feelings and apologise for being an absolute dick.
This is assuming he hasn’t slept with anyone else and wants to save your marriage of course.

First step - arrange a time when you can both talk honestly about what’s been going on the last few weeks.
Don’t beg him to stay- you’re not “trapped” you do have options.

That said, you’ve been together 16 years and have three young children. You might be able to find your way back to a good marriage if he’s prepared to put the effort in and realise he’s throwing everything away if he continues like this.

Original poster
Greenissle · 28/04/2023 09:13

Silverrocks · 28/04/2023 09:07

This is what cheats do OP, try to excuse their behaviour by blaming you and/or pushing you to the point where you make the choice to leave so they aren't the bad guy (in their mind anyway).

This is exactly how he would act and then make me feel guilty for breaking the family apart, he would never end it himself I don't think.

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 28/04/2023 09:18

Aww so sorry, you must be feeling very vulnerable and confused by the sudden change in behaviour. Unfortunately it does sound like he’s upto no good, he has demonstrated he’s unwilling to help you at home, so what is the point in him being there? Good luck going forward OP, have you got family & friends to support you in rl, I do hope so.

Original poster
Greenissle · 28/04/2023 09:26

He's being very selfish making time to go to the gym and out running whilst I can't barely get a bath.

I do have close family but I've never ever spoken to anyone about my relationship before I normally put up quite a front if I'm worried so it will be so difficult to break that and be vulnerable to others.

I am hosting a family event tomorrow for my oldest child so have to put on a brave face, he is tainting this for me.

OP posts:
MissingMoominMamma · 28/04/2023 09:33

I suspect your life would be easier without him. He’s not helping and he’s causing you stress. Kick the fucker out and tell your family and friends- they’ll help you.

You don’t need this shit with two young children.

MissingMoominMamma · 28/04/2023 09:34

Sorry- 3.

Original poster
Greenissle · 28/04/2023 09:44

Just realised my title is back to front, heads all over the place.

OP posts:
Miscellaneousme · 28/04/2023 09:47

Call his bluff and ask him to stay somewhere else to give you some space.

As he’s coming and going as he pleases, sleeping on the sofa and being verbally abusive to you via text anyway.

RudsyFarmer · 28/04/2023 09:48

What do you love about this man OP? Nothing Ive read so far makes this relationship worth saving.