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Original poster

Like a flip has switched

196 replies

Greenissle · 28/04/2023 08:42

Been with DH for 16 years I'm 34 years old, we have 3 children together with the youngest only 2 months old. Sorry this is long I just don't want the leave any details out.

DH went out with a few new girls from his work 2 weeks ago and I was ok with this. The next day he stated he was unhappy with his appearance and was researching nose jobs. He's been losing weight and started using sun beds.

1 week ago I felt like DH was being distant. He text me from work last Friday and said he was coming home to get dressed and heading out with friends, he literally give me 1 hours notice and I had been at home all day with the children. I was annoyed and said 'no your not' but I would never stop him I was just angry. He came home got dressed and went out without even speaking to me, he came home at 4.30am.

The next day he wouldn't speak to me and refused to tell me who he was with and where he was. Since then he has been acting like he doesn't care anymore, is being hurtful with his words and is no longer really helping me with the younger children. When I try to talk to him about how I feel or to sort things out he is shutting me down.

I don't understand what's happened. I don't know who he's become this past few weeks. He has been struggling with work pressures for a while and I have suspected low mood but he disagrees, is it a midlife crisis or has he snapped I don't know. I'm trapped because I'm on Maternity and need him for money at the moment. I'm so upset he is making me miserable but acting like I'm the problem. Perhaps he just doesn't love me anymore but he won't tell me that.

OP posts:
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5
mathanxiety · 28/04/2023 15:13

He's being cruel to you because he's completely devalued you. He has devalued you because he's trying to convince himself that he is justified in cheating.

You need practical and emotional support from your friends and your family - and H's family too. Tell them all what's going on. Ask for support of all kinds.

Maybe someone you know can give him the massive kick in the rear end he so richly deserves.

Sorry to ask this so bluntly, but how soon can you get back to work? Could you go back when the baby is three months? Four months?

PizzaGirls · 28/04/2023 15:13

Greenissle · 28/04/2023 08:56

I know it is really suspicious he's too smart I would never catch him or really know unless someone else seen him or something.

I don't understand why he is being so cruel to me though. He's basically gaslighting me saying in the 'nut job'. He slept downstairs the last 3 nights but I haven't done anything at all, he says that I don't ever listen and go to bed early every night so he may aswell go out.

I mean we have an 8 week old baby and a 1 year old so I'm getting them into a good routine first. He uses work as an excuse to sit on his laptop at any given opportunity doing 'stuff'.

"I don't understand why he is being so cruel to me though. "

He wants you to break up with him. Or to give him an excuse. He's instigating arguments so you snap and turn you into the big bad wolf.... then he can convince himself and you it's all your fault... this is textbook.

Muffit · 28/04/2023 15:18

I agree with the posters telling you to give it to him straight. ie He will need to leave, you want to sort out finaces.
Make him come back to reality, he's living in a dream world at the moment.Make him realise his actions have consequences not only for you but for him.If you don't feel strong enough for that, at least share your problem, with your friends and family., get some support.

JoeyRamonesHair · 28/04/2023 15:40

Talk to him about custody also - what plans will he get in place to look after the two eldest (and the youngest, once they are old enough to go to him) part time? F-him and his carefree life...

JulieHoney · 28/04/2023 15:41

You poor thing - a one year old, and eight week old and another child as well, and he's putting you through this? Appalling. He's a self-centred wanker.

Do you have family support? You need to be able to confide in a friend or family member who can cut through his gaslighting bullkshit.

BadNomad · 28/04/2023 15:49

No one can say for sure that he's cheating, but it's very obvious that he wants freedom and has checked-out of your relationship and family. He resents you and talks to you like shit because you represent and remind him that he isn't free.

lechatnoir · 28/04/2023 15:49

You poor thing. Honestly, (& easy to say when it's not you living it) but the best thing you can do is text him and tell him not to bother coming home if he's not man enough to support his wife and family. Remind him you've barely left the house and are providing round the clock care of his NEWBORN baby and 1 year old whilst he's off shagging who knows what and frankly even if he's not shagging someone else you don't care as you're not being treated like shit. Might be worth mentioning that splitting up doesn't mean being footloose and fancy free but providing 50% care of his children ON HIS OWN.

Arsehole.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 28/04/2023 15:50

Call his bluff.

Write it out and hand him a sheet of paper regarding custody, finances, etc.
Tell him he needs to move out by X date and find a place where he can have the younger two 50/50, or if less than that, what his CMS will be. He can visit with the infant X hours per week until its weaned, at which time he will have it as well, 50/50. He'll need to find childcare for when he's at work on those days.

You, meanwhile, will need XX from joint savings to cover the rest of your mat leave.

Let him see what the realities will be. He presumably was on board with creating three children and the fact that he now feels hampered/tied down and wants to escape family life is his problem. That ship has sailed.

ironorchids · 28/04/2023 16:02

Where's he getting the money for a nose job? You need to start draining the joint account just to ensure you're getting an equal share and then speak to someone about divorce proceedings.

It sounds extreme but he is happy to lumber you with childcare of 3 children within 2 weeks of you recovering from pregnancy and birth, and make it look like you're the bad guy? He's a piece of work and if you can't rely on him when you're 8 weeks postpartum with 3 kids, then he's not worth having as a husband. This is the primary time he should be stepping up to look out for you and suppressing his juvenile nonsense to protect you. This is the time that matters the most.

I agree with a pp that I wouldn't sit him down and give him a warning, because given his current behaviour, he obviously would not use the information to heal the relationship but to benefit himself at your expense and might stay just to keep you doing all the childcare.

Serve divorce papers and ask him to leave.

momtoboys · 28/04/2023 16:11

Oh, dear. There are a few of these posts every year. He's met someone else. You deserve better.

Twazique · 28/04/2023 16:15

I would get my ducks in a row before I spoke to him. I suppose it depends if you want him to change his behaviour and stay married or you want to divorce. Its a lot to think about so take your time.

SlightlyJaded · 28/04/2023 16:48

Just to add to my post above... even if you deep down want to 'save your marriage' - you can only start from a place of complete and utter remorse and respect. So all of us telling you to lay it down straight: you've had your head turned, we need to sort out how we move forward separately etc... all of that HAS to happen no matter how things resolve in the end.

Only if he realises that you are not ever going to be walked over, will he respect you. And whether that is for a future together or apart, it's a necessary move you have to make. It's fucking hard. And you have my complete sympathy because it's not fair you have to be the strong one when you must be so so tired right now.

Delcie · 28/04/2023 16:59

Thesharkradar · 28/04/2023 12:38

Some men are not capable of being good parents I think it's a minority but it's a sizeable minority, how much of this is inherent and how much is due to upbringing I don't know.
I think that previously this was largely hidden because women were not able to collaborate on the scale that the internet has allowed. These days we can swap notes and see patterns in male behaviour, join the dots collectively and all see the bigger picture.
It might be worth sitting down with him and having a talk for the purposes of ascertaining whether the situation is salvageable or not?
He's the one who has abandoned his duties ergo he is the one who will have to pay the price, make sure you come out on top @Greenissle

I was just thinking this. I was on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour 16 years ago and the internet was not like it is now - there were articles on emotional infidelity etc but nothing as supportive/collaborative as this (where like you say the dots can be joined and advice given). Im interested in him being a teacher - mine was a teacher too. Got giddy being around other women - pathetic and repulsive tbh. There are other factors here - as a teacher he is supposed to understand childrens welfare and the importance of home life, honesty and treating others with respect. You deserve so much more respect than he is giving.

readbooksdrinktea · 28/04/2023 17:03

Thesharkradar · 28/04/2023 12:18

If this was me and I was able to look at the situation coldly and rationally I would see that he has switched into a different mode of operating and I would make a switch myself.
From now on Id be keeping a careful note of his activities I would humour him, play along pretend I don't mind but in the background I would be arranging my own exit such that I retained the advantage over him as much as possible.

Agree with this. He has clearly checked out of the marriage. Protect yourself and the children from being railroaded.

Chocolatepancakes11 · 28/04/2023 17:32

Even if he’s not cheating, I’m not sure I could easily forgive this selfish, cruel behaviour. You really do not need this with an 8 week old plus your other children. It is truly baffling how many men have the ‘woe is me’ personality when their wives are postpartum, exhausted and taking everyday as it comes.

I also think the ultimatum is your best bet. Don’t let this man steal anymore of your precious energy that you need to keep raising your babies and being the clearly very committed and wonderful mummy that you are. It will hurt if this is the end but at least you won’t be living with someone who messes with you emotionally like this anymore.

CantGetDecentNickname · 28/04/2023 17:42

Ludicrousness · 28/04/2023 14:55

His head has been turned, and he is on his way to cheating, if not done so already. As others have said, he is following the script. He is rewriting history and gaslighting you big time.

The only way you can get him to see sense, whether you want him back or not, is to show him what he's about to lose. Get very angry and tell him he has treated you, and your family, very disrespectfully, and he is an utter coward and a spineless twat. How could he do this to do after giving birth one month ago? Tell him you know what he is doing, he is rewriting history and gaslighting you. He is changing his appearance as he wants to sleep with other women.

THEN TELL HIM TO GET THE F OUT.

Ask him to leave. I guarantee you that he will absolutely shit his pants.

If you don't stand strong against him, he'll walk all over you and strip you of any confidence and assertiveness you have.

Agree with the above.

He should be rushing home from work to spend as much time as possible with his new-born and other DC, not going to the gym or out with "friends". He is so utterly selfish and uncaring. Don't wait to find whether he's cheating or planning to; it is irrelevant given how nasty he is being towards you. Just tell him you have had enough and he clearly doesn't want to be part of your family so needs to go asap. Tell him times/days/frequency that he will see the DC and have the older ones stay with him in his place which he needs to start looking for right now. Show him that you have thought this through. Don't discuss the situation with him - he does not get a say! Just tell him what is happening in a low calm voice. Repeat yourself over and over if he doesn't agree or attempts to argue with you. Tell him he has already ended things and you are not going to put up with them any longer. With him living somewhere else, the DC will actually see more of him than they do now.

If he refuses to sit down and talk to you, tell him that he can have the conversation with you now or at the family event in front of everybody. If leaves in a strop, say you will be locking him out and not to come back since you already appear to be a single parent. In this case, put a bin bag of his things outside the front door and double lock it/chain etc from the inside if you can.

Do tell your close friends as any embarrassment/shame at his behaviour should be his and not yours.

Good luck

Hopingforbettertimesoon · 28/04/2023 18:32

Greenissle · 28/04/2023 09:55

@Hopingforbettertimesoon so sorry to hear this. Do you have any children with him. I find the whole thing so selfish really I would love to even go to the hairdressers never mind plastic surgery.

Yes we have kids older than your little ones year 7 and year 5. It is really horrible. He doesn’t really bother with them any more. Well only to shout at them if they annoy him. He will throw some money at them e.g buy an iPad but not spend any time with them. I feel so sad for them really.

It is when not if we split up now in my case. I hope you have lots of support around you to help you.

EekGoesTheBaby · 28/04/2023 19:17

That sounds awful, OP. I can't imagine dealing with that when you have such a young baby (and 2 more)! This is ALL him. Anything he tries to blame on you is just his mind games. There's some good advice on here. Sending you a hug. ❤

Dery · 28/04/2023 19:23

Fabulous post by @lechatnoir so have repeated it:

“You poor thing. Honestly, (& easy to say when it's not you living it) but the best thing you can do is text him and tell him not to bother coming home if he's not man enough to support his wife and family. Remind him you've barely left the house and are providing round the clock care of his NEWBORN baby and 1 year old whilst he's off shagging who knows what and frankly even if he's not shagging someone else you don't care as you're not being treated like shit. Might be worth mentioning that splitting up doesn't mean being footloose and fancy free but providing 50% care of his children ON HIS OWN.

Arsehole”

Thesharkradar · 28/04/2023 19:33

the best thing you can do is text him and tell him not to bother coming home
I agree he deserves that but it is his home, he has a legal right to be in his home, If she puts him out on the street she will be in the wrong.
IMO it's best to be as careful & strategic as possible, make sure all the steps you take are above board OP

Original poster
Greenissle · 29/04/2023 07:01

Thank you all so much, I will read and respond properly later. I'm getting ready for my child's event today.

DH pissed off to the gym last night leaving me to sort the house. He had completely check out. I got to bed so last and I'm exhausted today. However later on I'll be passing the baby for him to take care of when everyone is here so I can enjoy a glass of wine and mingle. He can fuck off.

To be honest Im not going to fight for him to speak to me because I've tried and he says he's fine then goes cold again. I am 95% sure I caught him smiling at a text yesterday which he denied and said I was mad. Grin

What will be will be.

OP posts:
Clarabell77 · 29/04/2023 07:35

I don’t think you should accuse him of anything - this will just fuel his accusations of you “being mad”. I think you should stick to the absolute facts of his behaviour, which, even if he’s not having/looking for an affair, is completely unacceptable.

Delcie · 29/04/2023 07:35

If he is a narcissist he will be busy telling people how 'she's not coping' 'he's been left holding the baby' etc so whilst you are calmly deciding how this plays out, make sure you do everything as you normally would and not because of him. Keep your sanity, dignity and take good care of yourself.

BlastedPimples · 29/04/2023 08:23

Op, you are amazing.

Ignore his comments about you being "mad" or whatever. It's his way of deflecting his awful awful behaviour on to you.

Keep calm as much as you can.

He will not be able to provoke you and make a scene.

Can you contact a solicitor and get things moving?

The smiling at a text and then denying it is familiar to me too. All that kind of thing. It's horrible.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you but please protect yourself from now on. He is not your friend or ally. Make sure you remember that.

Beaverbridge · 29/04/2023 08:26

Have a lovely day, enjoy your wine. He's got a shock coming to him. Fuck him, swanning about thinking he's the man.