Like a flip has switched

[Greenissle]

Been with DH for 16 years I'm 34 years old, we have 3 children together with the youngest only 2 months old. Sorry this is long I just don't want the leave any details out.

DH went out with a few new girls from his work 2 weeks ago and I was ok with this. The next day he stated he was unhappy with his appearance and was researching nose jobs. He's been losing weight and started using sun beds.

1 week ago I felt like DH was being distant. He text me from work last Friday and said he was coming home to get dressed and heading out with friends, he literally give me 1 hours notice and I had been at home all day with the children. I was annoyed and said 'no your not' but I would never stop him I was just angry. He came home got dressed and went out without even speaking to me, he came home at 4.30am.

The next day he wouldn't speak to me and refused to tell me who he was with and where he was. Since then he has been acting like he doesn't care anymore, is being hurtful with his words and is no longer really helping me with the younger children. When I try to talk to him about how I feel or to sort things out he is shutting me down.

I don't understand what's happened. I don't know who he's become this past few weeks. He has been struggling with work pressures for a while and I have suspected low mood but he disagrees, is it a midlife crisis or has he snapped I don't know. I'm trapped because I'm on Maternity and need him for money at the moment. I'm so upset he is making me miserable but acting like I'm the problem. Perhaps he just doesn't love me anymore but he won't tell me that.

@Greenissle I am sending you a big hand hold. This must be so hard especially as you have not long had a baby.

My husband is doing something similar although it has been slightly more gradual. Weight loss, new clothe, plastic surgery. He is in fact in Turkey right now having a hair transplant and face lift. Also all the mean things blaming me.

I don’t have any answers or solution as I am in the midst of it and not out the other side yet. My only thing is perhaps tell someone close so at least you are sharing the burden. Also could family or friends help you to get a bit of time eg someone else in the house to keep an eye on the kids whilst you have a bath and do your hair. Look after yourself.

Call his bluff, tell him he is right, there is no point and you are sick of being alone as well. Ask him to leave immediately.

Rewriting history and making you the bad guy is his way of excusing his infidelity.
All of his behaviour is textbook cheating. So cliched that I winced when you didn't mentioned cheating in your OP. Really sorry OP.

@WheelsUp I know I just don't want to think it's true we have been together since we were young, basically grew up together. Before this he was the best partner and father which is why I'm so devastated, even if he was to improve things in not sure I can't process how he has treated me here.

He would never leave if I told him to and he has nowhere else to go at all. He's too proud in front of other people to even contemplate that.

@Hopingforbettertimesoon so sorry to hear this. Do you have any children with him. I find the whole thing so selfish really I would love to even go to the hairdressers never mind plastic surgery.

Have you asked him why on earth he is being so rude to you? If DH sent me a message like that it would be my first response.

One thing to be aware of: you won’t be able to do anything to make him want to stay in the marriage. He either does or he doesn’t, and you can’t influence that.

Running around doing the pick me dance will achieve nothing except giving him a sense of power, creating an imbalance in the relationship, and perhaps staving off the inevitable.

He might just be going through an idiot phase (and it’s up to you whether or not you can retain any respect for him doing this - I don’t think I’d be attracted to such an arse), but any conversations you do have please approach them as an equal partner, and don’t give any credence to his attempt to deflect the responsibility. Good luck with however this pans out. It’s a horrible situation to be in.

Also check that you are up to date on the finances, bank accounts, savings details etc etc

(And have copies!)

in your shoes I would share what you’re going through with someone you trust and can turn to. You cannot bear this burden alone. It’s too heavy, and having someone who will listen (properly) to you can be helpful.
His behaviour is irresponsible and laddish. He needs a kick up the bottom and to start behaving like a responsible adult, partner and parent. Perhaps if he knows you’re sharing your troubles his pride will kick in and he’ll be more considerate?
Meanwhile try very hard to carve out some time just for you without the little ones. Even if it’s just a walk around the block one or two evenings when he’s home.
Big hug OP.

Sorry OP but he has suddenly found a new exiting life. He doesn't want to be tied down in his 30s with 3 children. You won't change him so you may as well make the break now, the timing is rubbish but it will only get harder. Get copies of all the paperwork you need, get on the benefits calculator and find out what help you will get. Tell him to leave and mean it. He has a new life and i am sorry to say you are not part of it. Treat yourself with respect.

So sorry OP.

He sounds like a prize prat. You sound really hurt, which is understandable. How ever, I do feel you need to get angry.

Do not allow him to speak to you like that. You're the mother of his children.

If you rear up it seems if would certainly be a surprise for him.

A very blunt "who the f* do you think you're speaking to like that" should do it.

Don't hang around waiting for him to change. He won't. Put him out and claim CMS. Let him go to his new "friends"

Sounds like he's having a massive strop because he's realised being a dad means he doesn't get to live like a 20-something single man, tbh.

Maybe he's cheating, maybe he's tried to and been heartily rejected and it's bruised his ego, so he's taking it out on you. Either way this is an absolutely unacceptable way for him to be behaving towards you. He needs to grow up, locate his testicles, and have an adult conversation.

I'm so so sorry on your behalf he's a prize prick. He's off to find a shiny new shag and wants to leave his kids without a dad basically.

One of the reasons I turned to feminism is because I have been hurt badly too, men can be such utter wastes of time.

Your children need you, that's the focus now. Contact everyone you can trust and ask for support.

I would just say,' it's clear that you have met someone else. When are you moving out?' Please don't waste time thinking about it or excusing him, you need to put yourself first. I feel so sorry for you, he's behaving very badly and you don't deserve it.

I normally put up quite a front if I'm worried so it will be so difficult to break that and be vulnerable to others.

You don't need to put up a front, you are lucky to have close family, don't be afraid of being vulnerable to them. Better to be vulnerable to them rather than put up a front to preserve your H's pride. Where is his pride when he's making the mother is his children, including a 2mo baby, feel like shit and also wait around for a bath so he can go to the gym?

Midlife crisis.

There's a few new people in the office and he's suddenly realised he's growing old. podgy, pale, work's got a bit stressful, he feels he's become boring (this is different to being bored) and set in his ways. He's started to think he's become (or is heading in the direction of) the Mark Addy character in The Full Monty.

Lock up the cling-film and Mars bars.

Oh lovely, been exactly where you are. My ex did all same things as your husband. I was a timid mouse back then couldn't understand why he was so hateful.. All fell into place when OW emerged. Don't let him away with speaking to you like this. Who does he think he is.?. Good luck. I wish I'd toughened up at the time.

I didn't even notice!

OP, he's treating your awfully whether he's cheating or not. You deserve better.

If he isnt cheating yet - his head has been turned - sorry OP

get on entitleto.co.uk - benefits calculator

do you own the house or rent?

he's a disgrace his youngest is 2 months but he has definitely checked out of the relationship OP sorry

Thank you all so much your advice is making me feel much better. I might confide in my best friend, she will be shocked

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this OP….he’s an utter knob and sounds to me like the new female colleagues have made him feel like he’s a boring old fart , tied down, with three kids in tow. And instead of being proud of having a family and stable relationship he’s trying to show them that he’s a young hip thing that can still party hard etc etc.
May not be that he’s cheating but he’s not showing any respect to you, his wife and mother of his children.

Have either of you had previous partners/long term relationships? My friend’s dick of an ExH had only ever been with my friend and he lost the plot in his early forties and completely changed his character as he felt he’d not lived his youth as he should have!

Do as PP suggest and use your anger to fight him back…..”Not sure who you’ve become but I ain’t putting up with this shit!” Also agree to share it with someone close that you trust and this will make you feel less alone in dealing with it. 💐

He's having an affair, or at least an emotional affair.

Please don't make him try to like you again by accommodating it, he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable and he can shape up or ship out.

What a horrible man and a disgrace to fatherhood.
My ex did this too, left me destitute so he could go off and inflate his ego with another woman.
I have totally rebuilt my life and feel great without him.
Its hard at first but it gets better, there is always UC.

This happened with my father - met my mother when he was 18 in the January, by the December of the same year he was married to her and she was 3 months pregnant...my mother is also 5 years older than him. This was the late 60s, my mother is Catholic so obviously they 'had' to get married...

Before my father was even in his mid 20s, before any of us 3 children were even in school, he'd cheated on my mother with a work colleague. Much the same story, he'd be out supposedly socializing/playing squash with work colleagues when in reality he was cheating. The story always was my mother would find out, make my father move job - and usually where we were living - rinse and repeat. It got worse when I was 9 and he started working abroad, he dropped any pretence of being a family man and lived his life as a single man until he finally left my mother for another woman when I was 21, 6 months after my younger brother had turned 18. He was 43 at the time.

My mother has since said that it was like a switch flipped for him when my older brother turned 10 (there is only one year in age between us). It was like he realised he'd missed out on his 'youth', and began to feel 'old'. Obviously that's was no excuse to cheat and make mine and my two brothers childhood a misery, but my father was a very immature young man.

My very long post is trying to point out that your husband has started down a very slippery slope. I know you are financially dependant on him right now, but he needs to be bluntly told that he can't act like single man anymore because he isn't one. If he's not willing to act like the family man he is he needs to leave.

First priority is protecting yourself and the kids. As PP have said, get copies of documents, bank details etc. Seek legal advice.

Once you've got all that, I'd be saying he can't stay at home if he behaves like that. He'd likely go off, stay with friends or family, they'd get pissed off with him quickly, he'd manage a room in a shared house or a travelodge or something for a while and pretty soon would realise the side where his bread is buttered and come back home (if you want him!)

Basically, whether or not he's having an affair, he's currently benefitting from a comfortable family home PLUS trying to live the life of a carefree teenager. Those things are mutually incompatible. He needs to choose. I suspect going out until all hours would hold less appeal if it also means he lives in a grim share house somewhere.