Like a flip has switched

[Greenissle]

Been with DH for 16 years I'm 34 years old, we have 3 children together with the youngest only 2 months old. Sorry this is long I just don't want the leave any details out.

DH went out with a few new girls from his work 2 weeks ago and I was ok with this. The next day he stated he was unhappy with his appearance and was researching nose jobs. He's been losing weight and started using sun beds.

1 week ago I felt like DH was being distant. He text me from work last Friday and said he was coming home to get dressed and heading out with friends, he literally give me 1 hours notice and I had been at home all day with the children. I was annoyed and said 'no your not' but I would never stop him I was just angry. He came home got dressed and went out without even speaking to me, he came home at 4.30am.

The next day he wouldn't speak to me and refused to tell me who he was with and where he was. Since then he has been acting like he doesn't care anymore, is being hurtful with his words and is no longer really helping me with the younger children. When I try to talk to him about how I feel or to sort things out he is shutting me down.

I don't understand what's happened. I don't know who he's become this past few weeks. He has been struggling with work pressures for a while and I have suspected low mood but he disagrees, is it a midlife crisis or has he snapped I don't know. I'm trapped because I'm on Maternity and need him for money at the moment. I'm so upset he is making me miserable but acting like I'm the problem. Perhaps he just doesn't love me anymore but he won't tell me that.

Classic affair behaviour. I snooped on my exh and found out what he got up to in some detail. When he was "out on the town with a group of people" until the early hours of the morning, that meant he was in a hotel with her having a shag.
So, sorry to say this, but don't think about having sex with him unprotected, if that option ever comes up.
The tan turned out to have been a skiing trip in my ex's case.
Take anything he says to you with a handful of salt.

I would start mirroring his behaviour, trying to pull him closer will have the opposite effect. Book things for yourself and go out leaving him with all 3 children as often as you can. Tell him in advance youre out next friday or saturday with the 'girls' and find someone to go with. Put baby on bottles if not already, so he can do feeding as well. I know that might sound harsh but is the only way I have ever seen marriages come back from this. Join a gym and insist you get as much time to go as he does. Plan to go back to work asap and he pays half of all childcare (or more if he proportionately earns more). Focus on yourself and think of yourself and invest in yourself. Force him to do his share of childcare. No pleading, nice, consolatory texts, functional ones at best. Any nastiness get delivered right back at him. Think of the relationship as a rubber band, the more he pulls away, the more you do too, eventually it will snap back. But if you lean into his pulling, it never will. I know all of this is ridiculously hard with a newborn, but it does work (if you want it to).

He does seem to be following "the script".

He has shown me pictures of the girls from work to be honest they are not his type at all but I guess you never know.
"They are not my type" translates as "I want to talk about my new gf, even with you, but to put you off the scent I will tell you how unattractive she is."

They do seem to have got comfortable with him very quickly, asked him to go for a walk the other night but he said no and told me that was weird.
"We went out the other night and it was incredibly exciting so I want to talk about it, and at the same time I can make it sound like I said no, so that you think it's the other woman trying it on with me but I am resisting."

You're right it's not worth taking the time to have a proper talk with this man, doing so could be counterproductive he may realize that you're on to him and he will up his game.... put more effort into crushing the op so that he can have everything on his terms.
You need to start playing to win @Greenissle

He has shown me pictures of the girls from work to be honest they are not his type at all but I guess you never know
He's so full of himself that he can't risk bragging about his conquests.... to his wife, he wants to subtly let you know but not let you know so that he can glorify in what he's getting away with.

This. ^

You need support from a friend so sit her down and show her the messages.

He may have met someone not connected to work on his night out.

Regardless he is behaving appallingly. You don't have to accept it.

Agree with the poster who suggested giving it to him straight.

"It's clear you have met someone else. I'm not interested in hearing about how 'nothing has happened' - you've had your head turned enough to treat me as a disposable inconvenience. So we need to talk about when you are moving out and the financial and custodial implications. That's all I am interested in discussing at this point."

He will tell you that you are 'mad' and 'paranoid' - then he might do some tears - but hold firm. It doesn't have to mean the end (that's up to you). But he needs to know that you are on to him and prepared to walk away.

Good luck OP. It's shit and you must be exhausted with a newborn and now this.

Hi, yes, you do of course know more than me about it, I was just hazarding a guess. He's not being very nice, maybe he thinks he can treat you however he likes as in his mind you aren't going anywhere. Unlike others, I don't necessarily think he's cheating or about to cheat, just sounds fed up to me.

God I really hate him OP, on your behalf. I hope he gets his willy caught in his zip.

A pp suggested you tell him you have arrangements made for going out yourself.No!. He would only make sure he's not at home so you have to cancel.

Better to wait until he is home then put on your coat pick up your bag and say bye dear it's my turn for some time out. I fear no tactics will have a good outcome though.

I think that if she goes out and leaves him 'lumbered' with his own children he will punish her by making the children suffer so that she doesn't dare do it again

Sorry OP but he has decided the grass is greener elsewhere. And is doing whatever he thinks he needs to to get wherever it is.

I'm not sure your relationship can recover from this even if he became contrite and confessed and said it was a huge mistake. Start doing all the things - financial, practical - that you would need when it's over. And I recommend you ending it, before he has the chance. Tell him you know what's going on (don't phrase it as you suspect, tell him you know - because we on MN all do even if it hasn't sunk in for you yet) and tell him it's over. Take back control. If he plays the victim so what? He isn't, you are.

Op,so sorry as it seem like he has met someone else and now he'll be horrible to you to justify the relationship ending. He will also taunt you to lash out do he can tell everyone how awful you are.

Even if you are lovely he will make up stuff, such as she just sits on the sofa every night.

You need to protect yourself emotionally. Get support from friends or family. It's also exhausting living with his hostility, especially when you have a new baby and such small children so try to rest as much as you can.
Do you have family nearby?

You’ve just given birth and he’s going on some self improvement streak?! And talking about a nose job!! What a selfish arse. Does he have no shame? Agreed he needs a cold sharp reality check of some sort to get his head back in the real world

How much weight can he have lost in two weeks?

@Redebs That's not what OP (one of the tens/hundreds of thousands of women who have seen this pattern of behaviour) is saying.

The cheaters/wannabe cheaters start trying to improve their looks etc in ways that are out of character, because they have a new squeeze or want one.

It's not just a normal attempt by someone to lose weight, he's also doing other stuff like sunbeds etc that are out of character. Often they will do things like get a new posh aftershave etc.

One thing on its own/weight loss wouldn't necessarily mean much, it's the combination of different things.

Women might decide to have a 'glow up' but men don't tend to do that in this several-pronged way unless they have someone new they want to keep/impress.

He's being absolutely horrible @Greenissle .

He’s cheating on you with these new girls, he’s a knob anyway, and the expression is “like a switch has been flipped”.

Nose jobs and sun beds? Doubt it's girls he's cheating on you with.

I know it’s childish but I’d be playing his mind games back, I’d be saying you’re obviously not happy so we need to have a chat about what we do going forward, drop in how he’ll have the kids every weekend (even if that’s not reality) and how you’ll love having child free times. Be calm and nice so it does his head in!

I would ask him to sit down with you tonight and talk. If he refuses suggest thats ok you can do it tomorrow at the event with family.This should shock and embarrass him into being straight with you pretty quickly. He is being a fool and selfish atleast. I personally dont think he is having an affair ,,yet, I think he has rediscovered what it could be like with the bright young things.However he is in no place to do that as he has commitments and responsibilities all of which were his own choice to make a life with you and the kids. He needs this spelling out to him that if he chooses to embrace how he is currently behaving towards you then thats ok he can leave and leave with with the added responsibiity of maintenance for you and the kids and loosing his home,Lay it out starkly and clearly and make him realise you are someone who didnt ask for any of this tratment an dyou are not going to accept it. You deserve so much more I am so sorry OP you are having to deal with this.Its terrible behaviour from him. Good luck will be thinking of you

So sorry you're going through this OP.

I was writing almost exactly the same things on Mumsnet 10yrs ago (3DCs 6, 2, 14wks). My ExH was going out all the time til the early hours. Became very distant, was verbally abusive (I also got called a nut job).

It turns out he'd met someone at work. A woman who had even signed the office 'congratulations on your new baby' card.

His head has been turned, and he is on his way to cheating, if not done so already. As others have said, he is following the script. He is rewriting history and gaslighting you big time.

The only way you can get him to see sense, whether you want him back or not, is to show him what he's about to lose. Get very angry and tell him he has treated you, and your family, very disrespectfully, and he is an utter coward and a spineless twat. How could he do this to do after giving birth one month ago? Tell him you know what he is doing, he is rewriting history and gaslighting you. He is changing his appearance as he wants to sleep with other women.

THEN TELL HIM TO GET THE F OUT.

Ask him to leave. I guarantee you that he will absolutely shit his pants.

If you don't stand strong against him, he'll walk all over you and strip you of any confidence and assertiveness you have.

this is exactly right. I left after lots of this behaviour. I asked him to leave but he refused to, so I left - and his narrative is that I 'bailed'. They can make you look and feel like the bad guy - olympic level gaslighting .