Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Like a flip has switched

196 replies

Greenissle · 28/04/2023 08:42

Been with DH for 16 years I'm 34 years old, we have 3 children together with the youngest only 2 months old. Sorry this is long I just don't want the leave any details out.

DH went out with a few new girls from his work 2 weeks ago and I was ok with this. The next day he stated he was unhappy with his appearance and was researching nose jobs. He's been losing weight and started using sun beds.

1 week ago I felt like DH was being distant. He text me from work last Friday and said he was coming home to get dressed and heading out with friends, he literally give me 1 hours notice and I had been at home all day with the children. I was annoyed and said 'no your not' but I would never stop him I was just angry. He came home got dressed and went out without even speaking to me, he came home at 4.30am.

The next day he wouldn't speak to me and refused to tell me who he was with and where he was. Since then he has been acting like he doesn't care anymore, is being hurtful with his words and is no longer really helping me with the younger children. When I try to talk to him about how I feel or to sort things out he is shutting me down.

I don't understand what's happened. I don't know who he's become this past few weeks. He has been struggling with work pressures for a while and I have suspected low mood but he disagrees, is it a midlife crisis or has he snapped I don't know. I'm trapped because I'm on Maternity and need him for money at the moment. I'm so upset he is making me miserable but acting like I'm the problem. Perhaps he just doesn't love me anymore but he won't tell me that.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Nannylovesshopping · 28/04/2023 12:12

Curly crisps is absolutely spot on, read and def take on board, I want to kick his sorry arse for you, what a dick!

Boughtitdownthemarket · 28/04/2023 12:13

The social life at schools can be pretty raucous. I sidestepped it years ago but lots of teachers go full pelt at the drinking culture. You need to have a proper conversation with him and sort out what's happening. If he has kids he should only be going out the very odd time.

Thesharkradar · 28/04/2023 12:14

I'm trapped because I'm on Maternity and need him for money at the moment
And this is why he feels able to behave in this way, he knows that you are trapped and there's nothing you can do. This is abusive/ exploitative/ predatory /opportunistic behaviour.

Thesharkradar · 28/04/2023 12:18

If this was me and I was able to look at the situation coldly and rationally I would see that he has switched into a different mode of operating and I would make a switch myself.
From now on Id be keeping a careful note of his activities I would humour him, play along pretend I don't mind but in the background I would be arranging my own exit such that I retained the advantage over him as much as possible.

Redebs · 28/04/2023 12:21

How much weight can he have lost in two weeks?

Sorry, pedantic.

Doesn't he realise how transparently suspicious his behaviour is? He's trying to get attention, but from whom? Is he trying to make you jealous, or is he just not very bright?

Seaweed42 · 28/04/2023 12:22

Sounds like classic manchild behaviour.
Your roles originally when you first started going out probably were you were a sort of 'Mummy' and doted on him. But things change and you are pretty fucking busy with two under 1 almost!
He's only seeing the part that you 'dont have time for him' and he's jealous. Almost like sibling rivalry. I suspect either his mother doted on him, or he has siblings he had to fight for attention with.
I think a lot of men are like this, but we don't discover it til kids come along.
The roles change drastically and some men aren't that flexible with it. Some survive that and can take on the new responsibilities and some don't.

It's so hard being a mother. You must be absolutely knackered with a 2 month old and a 1yr old. You are doing an amazing job.

and what @Clarabell77 says. Sit down and talk - calmly and reasonably.

You could try saying to him... 'I know things have changed a lot since we had the baby, but you know I love you I just literally am run off my feet minding these two. As they are babies I have to put their needs first, you do understand that, don't you? It's a big job for a mother being responsible for keeping these tiny humans alive literally... and trying to manage everything else as well. That's just how is when the kids are this small. Sometimes the parents relationship does get sidelined for a while and it's a difficult thing everyone has to navigate. What is your side of it? How are you experiencing things?'
(or whatever way you would phrase it)

If things were going just fine then it's worth addressing it with him.

watcherintherye · 28/04/2023 12:25

My friend’s dick of an ExH had only ever been with my friend and he lost the plot in his early forties and completely changed his character as he felt he’d not lived his youth as he should have!

One of my friends had the same ‘excuse’ thrown at her when her dh - father to their 3 children - left her, out of the blue, because he wanted to ‘experience everything he hadn’t been able to do when he was younger’. Presumably because he’d been too busy fathering 3 children. Unbelievable!

Thesharkradar · 28/04/2023 12:38

Some men are not capable of being good parents I think it's a minority but it's a sizeable minority, how much of this is inherent and how much is due to upbringing I don't know.
I think that previously this was largely hidden because women were not able to collaborate on the scale that the internet has allowed. These days we can swap notes and see patterns in male behaviour, join the dots collectively and all see the bigger picture.
It might be worth sitting down with him and having a talk for the purposes of ascertaining whether the situation is salvageable or not?
He's the one who has abandoned his duties ergo he is the one who will have to pay the price, make sure you come out on top @Greenissle

SaulSobieski · 28/04/2023 12:38

Sounds like classic manchild behaviour.
Your roles originally when you first started going out probably were you were a sort of 'Mummy' and doted on him. But things change and you are pretty fucking busy with two under 1 almost!
He's only seeing the part that you 'dont have time for him' and he's jealous. Almost like sibling rivalry. I suspect either his mother doted on him, or he has siblings he had to fight for attention with.
I think a lot of men are like this, but we don't discover it til kids come along.
The roles change drastically and some men aren't that flexible with it. Some survive that and can take on the new responsibilities and some don't.

A relationship in which the man sees the woman as mammy, care giver, attention provider, nanny, carer etc is not a healthy one from the beginning.

His values are not compatible with an equal, fair relationship. If you want to call it man child (there are other words!) fair enough; what's important is that they don't offer a fair, decent relationship and they're very unlikely to change. Because ultimately they're selfish and entitled and not responsible.

Op, if your relationship survives this, please please don't have another child with him. He's very risky for that. Don't be fooled into thinking it will bond you or cement your family or solve anything; you've seen what he's made of now.

Escapetothecatshome · 28/04/2023 12:39

@colddrytoast

I agree with everything you say, he needs a reality check and fast !

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 28/04/2023 12:40

Those texts I agree look like the script. Not sure if anything's happened yet but he's preparing for it. What an arsehole. I'm sorry OP

PinkyFlamingo · 28/04/2023 12:42

Hope you're OK, what a horrible way to be treated by someone who is meant to love you.

SaulSobieski · 28/04/2023 12:42

But things change and you are pretty fucking busy with two under 1 almost!

He should also be pretty fucking busy as a Dad to a one year old and new baby.

My dp is very far from perfect, believe me, but at 8 weeks he was making sure he was home earkynish every evening and was taking out LO in the evening for me to try to get some sleep before the night wakings etc all night. He often kept her til 11 or later to try to let me get rest, and that's with one baby. And he's got a v demanding job.

TequilaNights · 28/04/2023 12:42

I'd tell him you need to sit down and discuss separating and 50/50 child care arrangements including costs.

He needs slapping back to reality, that he doesn't get to have the single life and leave you with all the children and mental load.

Freefall212 · 28/04/2023 12:45

HOw old is your oldest OP. The other two are very young but since you have been together 16 years, I wasn't sure when the oldest was born and if he has been a good parent for the past few years until a couple weeks ago.

SaulSobieski · 28/04/2023 12:50

Sorry I've just realised you already have 3 children, I'd thought it was 2.

Well, definitely stop at 3 whatever happens. This is already a massive load on your shoulders given his behaviour.

Helendegenerate · 28/04/2023 12:54

Two points to make here.
Husbands/father's don't need to "help" with running the home and taking care of/ spending time with the children. That would indicate it's mother's job. No he should be Doing His Share !!

"Sitting him down" for a sensible conversation is good in theory but considering his recent awful behaviour it's very unlikely he would stay in the same room as this nagging wife (his thoughts not mine!!) as he would not want to listen, rather he would escape the confrontation and bugger off to do whatever he's recently found more stimulating than spending time with his wife and children.

Shocking behaviour but sadly all too common.

LizzieSiddal · 28/04/2023 12:54

Please do confide in a friend, you need real life support. Flowers

Also tell you H you need to have a serious talk about your marriage and ask him why he’s treating you so disgracefully. You have only just given birth for his sake!

SaulSobieski · 28/04/2023 12:54

Greenissle · 28/04/2023 09:06

This mornings one which was in response to him saying it was a shame he couldn't go out tonight because he has to do something else. Why even say this to me like trying to make me upset.

Disrespectful offensive nasty rude bastard.

I'm afraid I think there could not have been any kind of an equal dynamic on your relationship for him to think he can speak you you like that and still shag you, eat meals you've cooked, wear clothes you've laundered, have you as his plus one at events, dot in your family home etc etc.

It seems unlikely this his came completely out of nowhere and yes not gotten away with disrespect and rudeness before (?)

SaulSobieski · 28/04/2023 12:55

*sit in your family home

LizzieSiddal · 28/04/2023 12:55

*gods sake

Iltakethat · 28/04/2023 12:55

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 28/04/2023 10:55

He's had his head turned and following the script to a tee

This.

Sorry OP - and to be doing this when you have an 8 week old baby. Selfish fucking twat that he is.

Please start getting your ducks in a row.

SaulSobieski · 28/04/2023 12:55

Helendegenerate · 28/04/2023 12:54

Two points to make here.
Husbands/father's don't need to "help" with running the home and taking care of/ spending time with the children. That would indicate it's mother's job. No he should be Doing His Share !!

"Sitting him down" for a sensible conversation is good in theory but considering his recent awful behaviour it's very unlikely he would stay in the same room as this nagging wife (his thoughts not mine!!) as he would not want to listen, rather he would escape the confrontation and bugger off to do whatever he's recently found more stimulating than spending time with his wife and children.

Shocking behaviour but sadly all too common.

Exactly.

He'll escalate it into a strop and walk out.

Sleepingbeauty2510 · 28/04/2023 12:57

Regardless of if he's cheated or not (probably has, sorry). The fact he's not helping with childcare and generally being horrible to you I would be ending it anyway. Caring about appearance and going out with mates should not be a priority with a 8 week old baby. I know someone whose husband acted like this and he was cheating and now they're divorced.

TheHouseElf · 28/04/2023 13:02

He's treating you like dirt because he thinks he holds all the power right now since you're on mat leave and literally just had a baby a couple of months ago. He's a truly horrible man. Confide in people in real life - not just your friend, but you're family also. He'll no doubt be putting on a show at your family event, but people need to know what a twat he's actually is being and maybe subtly pull him up about his recent behaviour.

Swipe left for the next trending thread