Like a flip has switched

[Greenissle]

Been with DH for 16 years I'm 34 years old, we have 3 children together with the youngest only 2 months old. Sorry this is long I just don't want the leave any details out.

DH went out with a few new girls from his work 2 weeks ago and I was ok with this. The next day he stated he was unhappy with his appearance and was researching nose jobs. He's been losing weight and started using sun beds.

1 week ago I felt like DH was being distant. He text me from work last Friday and said he was coming home to get dressed and heading out with friends, he literally give me 1 hours notice and I had been at home all day with the children. I was annoyed and said 'no your not' but I would never stop him I was just angry. He came home got dressed and went out without even speaking to me, he came home at 4.30am.

The next day he wouldn't speak to me and refused to tell me who he was with and where he was. Since then he has been acting like he doesn't care anymore, is being hurtful with his words and is no longer really helping me with the younger children. When I try to talk to him about how I feel or to sort things out he is shutting me down.

I don't understand what's happened. I don't know who he's become this past few weeks. He has been struggling with work pressures for a while and I have suspected low mood but he disagrees, is it a midlife crisis or has he snapped I don't know. I'm trapped because I'm on Maternity and need him for money at the moment. I'm so upset he is making me miserable but acting like I'm the problem. Perhaps he just doesn't love me anymore but he won't tell me that.

May even be worth dropping hours to qualify.

Cab is good on this stuff

Take charge, tell him to flip back to who he was 2 weeks ago or leave. Call his bluff if you have to but don't let it slide, it's really hard especially as you have grown up together

Yes agree. Time to up the anti call him out. Orientate him to reality.

Yes agree. Time to up the anti call him out. Orientate him to reality.

^^ agreed seems he's laying the floor for a slow exit

Don't forget if you do split up, you should insist on each of you paying 50% of childcare. There is no way that should all be on you.

All the childcare isn’t your responsibility! Tell him it has to be 50/50 except for the baby. That’ll be a wake up call.

Maybe you need to sit him down and say he is obviously not happy with life at home and you yourself are not of course happy with the way he's behaving so it's time for him to move out. Call his bluff. He obviously thinks you will put up with anything. It's time to show him you won't.

Please tell your family. Think of your own dc - would you want them to be this sad and upset and feel unable to talk to you about it? Don’t cover for his failings, let them know what he’s really like.

Judging by his behaviour its gone way past someone flirting with him!

I was responding with one word answer

This is not going to help.
You both need to communicate more, not less.

Sit him down tonight once the kids are in bed and have a proper conversation.

You can even text him and tell him that at 8:30pm you and him are going to have a proper talk about the relationship.
Write down everything you want to say to him and how he’s been treating you and tell him to do the same.

Keep doing this every day and if it gets no where then it may be time to think about couples counselling.

If he wants to be with you then he will be willing to try and communicate and make it work.
If he doesn’t, then chances are it’s because he’s found someone else or just doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore.

Can I ask what the first message means?

He says you’ve been through a lot - is there something big that has happened that may have indirectly impacted the relationship?

I agree with others. He has head his turned. He either is having an affair or wants to have one. He is trying to distance himself from you with his behaviour so he can pretend his cheating is warranted.

Sorry to read this @Greenissle you do not deserve this.

Might you find your answer in his comment about him saying that you and he have nothing to talk about, except about the kids? In all the years together, he's never said anything like this before? If I were to guess, then, I'd say that one of the new people at work and your DH have 'clicked', found a common ground, where conversations flows freely and the talk and/or the person is interesting to him, most likely including an element of attraction.

This other person most likely has the free time and the energy (things which you no doubt lack at the moment) to attend to him. If I were in your shoes, I would be wondering if he is comparing me to another person and want to tell him that he is comparing apples and oranges. YOU are the mother of his children, and you facilitate his comfortable home life. You have a two month old and other DC who need constant care and attention. You barely get any time to yourself. If he believes he is entitled to your devoted presence after 8pm, that you should not be tired, and provide him with riveting conversation throughout, then he seriously has a screw loose.

The comment from PP about how he'd feel if he had to live in a house share - that is a brilliant point to make. One that I think you should point out to him.

With regards to childcare, remember you'll only need term time childcare because he's a teacher so he can look after his own DC during all the school holidays.

Actually being a full time parent should remind him why you like an early night (& put a dampener on any blossoming romance).

He's leaving you to do all the parenting now, but if you split up he'll need to do 50%, so his gym trips, nights out and social life will be heavily curtailed; you need to remind him of that.

Haven't read through all the posts but it does sound like he has met someone else.

I'm so, so sorry you're going through this, but a mid life crisis is so very common! You have limited options if he's determined to keep going out, but one thing I implore you is not to cry, beg, crumble or show any weakness.

You could sit him down to try and talk to him, but I don't think he'll be receptive atm, as it's all new to him and he's enjoying himself and doesn't want to stop.

You could fight fire with fire and tell him he needs to be home so you can go out. It's only fair after all! I bet he won't like seeing you get dressed up to go out! One rule for him and another for you; as he expects his wife to stay at home, look after the children and be completely loyal to him!

The other option is to get tough with him; tell him you're not sitting back while he swans about, acting like a single man, while he has a family at home. If he wants out then he needs to leave, as you're not prepared to sit by while he carries on as he is. Even if you're bluffing he doesn't need to know that.

It sounds like he might be worried how it looks to others; as he should do, as he's behaving very badly.

I'm sorry OP but it sounds like he has had his head turned. He might not be cheating yet but he's working on it - it's classic cheater behaviour I'm afraid - losing weight, trying to improve appearance etc. And then blaming you for things, manufacturing arguments and rewriting the history of your relationship.

Well done on breaking the secretary and deciding to confide in your best friend. People assume and need you to stay quiet, but it is not your shame to hide it’s on him, you’ve done nothing wrong and speak it to someone in real life will help you I promise.
with a tiny baby and another baby, he should be there doing half the nights as soon as he’s home from work! Tell your family and friends.

Unfortunately, when your partner goes through this sort of unfathomable fundamental change, you need to give him a short sharp reality check.

Show him how his future looks if he carries on like this whilst his fantasies are still a dream.

With such a young family you are very vulnerable at the moment and in an animalistic way he will see you as easy pickings because in his mind you are 'alone' ie unsupported by others whom he might respect more. (Probably not even consciously.)

Involve others such as your family, you need to effectively gang up on him and present a stronger, more united, front. You are now fighting for your family unit, so you need to open up to them. Don't let him see you as vulnerable, or lesser than him. In his new weird mindset you are a burden (sorry OP).

DH wont like it of course, and it might not work out in your favour but I think it is worth a try. You don't really have anything to lose as it will either bring things to a head quickly with a positive outcome, (more likely as although his head is wandering, his everyday reality is still enmeshed in the marriage,) or it will come to a head in a negative way. At least in getting there, there will be less time for torture and uncertainty and fighting that hurts you with his horrible messages etc.

If this brings him to his senses, don't let him off the hook easily. You need to regain his respect and he definitely needs to regain yours! Dump him unless he grovels convincingly and then some, and really really begs your forgiveness.

Otherwise you will set the path for more of the same disrespect, worse actually, further down the years, as he will think he has got away with it. It happened to me and I really should have got rid at the first sign of his shit!

Good luck, and I am sorry this has happened to you. Remember that if the family breaks up over this, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. On the contrary, you will have had a very lucky early escape. You are still young. Money, everything else will sort itself out, somehow, but you will have shown your children a very brave, very valuable lesson and can hold your head up high. x

Yes, sorry, but this is textbook having
An affair or justifying beginning an affair to himself. You're a nut job, you only talk about the kids, he's lonely and undervalued, life isnt all about him. Boohoo. Of course he should seek solace with a woman who appreciates him. That's the mentality of these cheaters.

You should confide in someone you trust in real life. It feels like a big step, but it will help you I promise. Would your BF covertly follow him on his next night out?

Whether he has cheated or not @Greenissle search here for effective advice as to what to do next because this will remind you of the choices you have & how to respond in these difficult times in a way that values you.

https://www.chumplady.com/

From a man's perspective, I wonder if he is just feeling suffocated and exhausted with work, parenting, the routine and is craving some fun and freedom? He's going about it the wrong way but I'd say he still loves you all, but is finding life a struggle and finding it hard to verbalise how he feels. You definitely need to talk it out but I'm guessing he's not going to entertain that at the moment :-(

He may still just be messing with his feelings having a grumpy bored crisis.
He needs to realise the consequences will be he will be a EOW dad living on his own and throwing away what he has now, all those years of family life, is that what he wants?
So he needs to wake up and see if it is worth it? And if not apologise to the end of the earth and start treating you like the goddess mother he should be. 2 months old baby , come on

You deserve better, the childish part of me would tell him, ‘yeah you’re right, it isn’t working anymore Gonzo, pack your bags, do us all a favour and fuck off!’.

If you don't remind him of this OP, he will find out the hard way all on his own.

Whereas if you do, he may decide to stay purely to save himself the effort and expense, and so that he can carry on using you as a free housemaid / nanny. While continuing to be rude, disrespectful and increasingly resentful of you.

I wouldn't be telling him anything .

@Truestorypeeps he may well be feeling that way but he's the one who takes on extra responsibilities at work which nobody else seems to do, he always causes the stress himself by overdoing everything.

He goes out with friend regularly at least twice a month. I haven't been out in a year. So I'm not sure how he feels suffocated he's doing whatever he wants.

I would sit down and talk with him honestly rather than the text messages. Let him know how upset and hurt you are, see how he responds. He can’t be treating you like that and you shouldn’t be worrying and second guessing what’s behind it. Marriages do have ups and downs and maybe this is just a down in yours.