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Original poster

Like a flip has switched

196 replies

Greenissle · 28/04/2023 08:42

Been with DH for 16 years I'm 34 years old, we have 3 children together with the youngest only 2 months old. Sorry this is long I just don't want the leave any details out.

DH went out with a few new girls from his work 2 weeks ago and I was ok with this. The next day he stated he was unhappy with his appearance and was researching nose jobs. He's been losing weight and started using sun beds.

1 week ago I felt like DH was being distant. He text me from work last Friday and said he was coming home to get dressed and heading out with friends, he literally give me 1 hours notice and I had been at home all day with the children. I was annoyed and said 'no your not' but I would never stop him I was just angry. He came home got dressed and went out without even speaking to me, he came home at 4.30am.

The next day he wouldn't speak to me and refused to tell me who he was with and where he was. Since then he has been acting like he doesn't care anymore, is being hurtful with his words and is no longer really helping me with the younger children. When I try to talk to him about how I feel or to sort things out he is shutting me down.

I don't understand what's happened. I don't know who he's become this past few weeks. He has been struggling with work pressures for a while and I have suspected low mood but he disagrees, is it a midlife crisis or has he snapped I don't know. I'm trapped because I'm on Maternity and need him for money at the moment. I'm so upset he is making me miserable but acting like I'm the problem. Perhaps he just doesn't love me anymore but he won't tell me that.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Wilkolampshade · 28/04/2023 10:43

The texts are awful OP. They're pretty identical to ones my DD would get from her abusive boyfriend. Same tone, like you're dirt.
Sorry. I don't think there's anything to salvage here. He's shown you who he is.

SpeckledlyHen · 28/04/2023 10:44

JamHam · 28/04/2023 08:44

He's met someone else. Sorry op.

This is classic cheating behaviour.

Yes this. Sounds exactly what happened to me in my 20's with a long term partner.

Wheresthebeach · 28/04/2023 10:44

So sorry you’re going through this OP. As shocked and hurt as you are it’s best not to let it drag on damaging your confidence and self image. Rip the bandage off - tell him you want him to move out as he is treating you appallingly, neglecting his kids and behaving like a teenager in love (with someone else). He’s not in charge - if he can’t behave like a decent person then the marriage is over. And talk to a solicitor pronto.

Wilkolampshade · 28/04/2023 10:44

Oh, I should add, abusive 'ex' boyfriend. Thank goodness.

Original poster
Greenissle · 28/04/2023 10:47

I will respond to some of the posts soon I just want to add I'm only dependent on him at the moment because of reduced maternity pay. However I have always remained financial independent because I'm sensible. We don't share bank accounts or savings, we are renting and so I have no ties to him apart from the children, I have a full time job which pays around £34,500 per year so I'm worried I wouldn't get any other financial assistance.

Childcare is going to absolutely floor me I got a quote this morning as it's over £2000 per month when I got back for both of the little ones.

He just came home with the balloons for the event on his morning break, acting normal. I was responding with one word answer and he asked me what was wrong and I said you will not be speaking to me the way you have done and then act normal. He said I haven't spoke anyway and that's your view.

Perhaps he's waiting until the event is done tomorrow to end it, who knows.

OP posts:
WheelsUp · 28/04/2023 10:48

Greenissle · 28/04/2023 09:55

@WheelsUp I know I just don't want to think it's true we have been together since we were young, basically grew up together. Before this he was the best partner and father which is why I'm so devastated, even if he was to improve things in not sure I can't process how he has treated me here.

He would never leave if I told him to and he has nowhere else to go at all. He's too proud in front of other people to even contemplate that.

There will be a part of him that wishes you would
leave so that he can pretend that he's the victim. I'm really sorry about what's happening. I recognise so many details from what you've described. My low point was sending him a request for things I could do to make things better and considering the list of stuff that he made up.
He works in tech so could get hold of a burner phone at no cost. He kept one in the car and one in his laptop bag.
I thought my ex wouldn't cheat so I initially looked for signs of gambling or drugs. I'd seen him buy a scratchcard or two but never seen him in a bookies or take drugs although he admits taking the odd E at uni.

Ktime · 28/04/2023 10:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Ktime · 28/04/2023 10:48

thecatsmeows · 28/04/2023 10:37

This happened with my father - met my mother when he was 18 in the January, by the December of the same year he was married to her and she was 3 months pregnant...my mother is also 5 years older than him. This was the late 60s, my mother is Catholic so obviously they 'had' to get married...

Before my father was even in his mid 20s, before any of us 3 children were even in school, he'd cheated on my mother with a work colleague. Much the same story, he'd be out supposedly socializing/playing squash with work colleagues when in reality he was cheating. The story always was my mother would find out, make my father move job - and usually where we were living - rinse and repeat. It got worse when I was 9 and he started working abroad, he dropped any pretence of being a family man and lived his life as a single man until he finally left my mother for another woman when I was 21, 6 months after my younger brother had turned 18. He was 43 at the time.

My mother has since said that it was like a switch flipped for him when my older brother turned 10 (there is only one year in age between us). It was like he realised he'd missed out on his 'youth', and began to feel 'old'. Obviously that's was no excuse to cheat and make mine and my two brothers childhood a misery, but my father was a very immature young man.

My very long post is trying to point out that your husband has started down a very slippery slope. I know you are financially dependant on him right now, but he needs to be bluntly told that he can't act like single man anymore because he isn't one. If he's not willing to act like the family man he is he needs to leave.

What's your dad like now? Do you have a relationship with him?

user1492757084 · 28/04/2023 10:49

Time for a little surprise visit to work for a lunch break, with some of the kids.
Could be that the new girls do not have a full picture of DH and also it's not bad to show you are a real person.
If it is just a flirt it could be good to show that it's inappropriate.

You could also share some stories about DHs new gym habits - not in a bitchy way but in a detailed way.

Original poster
Greenissle · 28/04/2023 10:51

He's a teacher so I can't just rock up to his work, however he has brought the children in many times so they know he "was" a family man. I have spoke to his boss before a few times at school events and she's lovely. My presence is definitely known.

I've not met the new girls though they have partners but are the same age as him which is 1-2 years older than me. None have children.

OP posts:
Quitelikeacatslife · 28/04/2023 10:52

Yes confide in your friends, you will need their support. Can you get one of them to babysit and tell him you need to talk.

That you have a young family and the way he is behaving is selfish and he's well on the way to losing it all. Yes life has changed but yours has too and you will not tolerate him being cruel and rude to you. If he wants to live as a single man then he will have to move out.
His response will tell you. He may treat it as a wake up call before things go too far, and he remorseful , but if he doesn't care , then you need to get him to leave.

(Get paperwork and evidence of earnings, banks etc ready in case you need that and he starts to play silly buggers )

WheelsUp · 28/04/2023 10:53

Greenissle · 28/04/2023 10:47

I will respond to some of the posts soon I just want to add I'm only dependent on him at the moment because of reduced maternity pay. However I have always remained financial independent because I'm sensible. We don't share bank accounts or savings, we are renting and so I have no ties to him apart from the children, I have a full time job which pays around £34,500 per year so I'm worried I wouldn't get any other financial assistance.

Childcare is going to absolutely floor me I got a quote this morning as it's over £2000 per month when I got back for both of the little ones.

He just came home with the balloons for the event on his morning break, acting normal. I was responding with one word answer and he asked me what was wrong and I said you will not be speaking to me the way you have done and then act normal. He said I haven't spoke anyway and that's your view.

Perhaps he's waiting until the event is done tomorrow to end it, who knows.

I wouldn't assume that he was ready to leave after a 2 week affair. Part of the cheater's playbook is thinking that they are much smarter than their spouse so they can't have possibly worked out what is going on. That's why so many don't admit the affair until the spouse has evidence. I knew that ex was having an affair (even our oldest son did) but he did not confess until I had enough evidence.

thecatsmeows · 28/04/2023 10:54

@Ktime I have no idea how my father is now, or even if he's still alive, as I've had no contact with him since he left my mother 34 years ago - I'm 55 this year. My mother emotionally blackmailed myself and my two brothers into cutting contact with him during their divorce...it's a long story, I don't want to rerail this thread but my whole childhood was a complete shitshow and if I'm completely honest I wish to fucking God my mother had had the sense to leave him when he started working abroad, instead of becoming a 'trailing spouse' and dragging her 3 children along with her, all because she couldn't trust him to keep his penis in his pants if he was left alone for more than 5 minutes.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 28/04/2023 10:55

He's had his head turned and following the script to a tee

DustyLee123 · 28/04/2023 10:56

I’d ask him to leave while he considers his future, tell him that you’re not putting up with this, and if this is how he wants to be then it’s not within you.

funnyhahaa · 28/04/2023 10:56

Yes he's had his head turned and I'm afraid this tends to cancel all rationality so don't waste your time thinking 'I don't understand why he....' etc.

The older I get the more I realise that men are simply animals ruled by testosterone.

That's an explanation not an excuse though for this behaviour Angry

DustyLee123 · 28/04/2023 10:57

I hope you are having your pay and child benefit paid into your own account.

SaulSobieski · 28/04/2023 10:59

He's basically gaslighting me saying in the 'nut job'

The cheater's/abandoner's script.

Doggymummar · 28/04/2023 11:01

He sounds like something is definitely going on, there is a guy I know in a very similar situation and I don't know his wife but I know he had a newborn and a toddler. I see him a couple of times a week at work related events he is always on coke but makes a big thing about not drinking.. he is a member of an expensive 24 hour spa and often takes young girls ( under 20) there after nights out and they end up naked in the hot tubs. How his wife puts up with it I will be never know. Facebook is always pictures of his beautiful wife and daughters. He is quite charismatic and throws money around I don't know if he has sex with these girls,\women but I wouldn't like my partner spending time and money on naked young ladies. Disrespectful.

SaulSobieski · 28/04/2023 11:01

*go to bed early every night so he may aswell go out.

I mean we have an 8 week old baby and a 1 year old*

You have an 8 week old baby and a one year old and he's criticising you for going to bed early???!!!!!

Mental.

Anyway it's just a blamey excuse to go out socialising ..... You're in bed early/anyway.

A father of an 8 week baby and 1 year old who's working shouldn't have the fucking energy to honour socialising - if he was remotely remotely pulling his weight.

BlastedPimples · 28/04/2023 11:04

It's horrible, isn't it?

You start second guessing yourself. Trying to think what you could have done or said.

It's all so predictable.

If you say his behaviour is unacceptable and you'd like him to leave to for a few days whilst you think about your future, he will shit his pants. Which is a good thing but it's important you're not playing games.

Seriously take time away from him to think about your future.

I feel for you. This happened four times with my ex. I was so dim each time not to recognise it for what it was. And so broken and damaged with no confidence or financial wherewithal to leave.

Goodread1 · 28/04/2023 11:05

Someone has turned his head sorry to have to say

Also think he is having a mid life crisis too

It's totally shit thing for him to do...

orangegato · 28/04/2023 11:07

Even if he isn’t cheating (or wanting to) he’s a prick. Don’t be spoken to like that in your own home OP.

BessieSurtees · 28/04/2023 11:09

With 3 children rent and childcare costs on 34k you will definitely get a UC top up, unless you have more than 6k savings and any maintenance he pays will not be counted so will be on top.

On SMP with rent you will also get a UC top up. How much is your rent?

Don't torture yourself don't allow him to treat you like this, don't hide it because this is how men get away with it and meanwhile your confidence and self esteem erodes.

Take charge, tell him to flip back to who he was 2 weeks ago or leave. Call his bluff if you have to but don't let it slide, it's really hard especially as you have grown up together.

Something happened on that night out and he thinks he is missing out. He needs to know whether something happened or not he can not treat you and your DC's like this.

SaulSobieski · 28/04/2023 11:10

Childcare is going to absolutely floor me I got a quote this morning as it's over £2000 per month when I got back for both of the little ones.

If you qualify for any universal credit, you get 85% of childcare paid, up to a cap of around 1600.

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