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Original poster

Anyone ever left a happy marriage

314 replies

LAMLC2011 · 27/04/2023 16:44

Anyone ever left a happy marriage due to a possible mid life crisis?

I think I might be peri-menopausal as I can tick off alot of the symptoms but my Dr says not (as nothing showing in blood test and I still get periods).

My DH is great in every way, an amazing father too but I'm bored. Not just bored of him more bored with life to be honest.

Just turned 40 and kind of feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. I know I definitely shouldn't uproot mine, my dh and my sons whole life because I'm bored but I keep having these feelings.

Not to drip feed there is someone else I have feelings for but I'm not having an affair in any way (physical or emotional). I'm not even sure they have feelings for me although they are a friend.

Realistically I wouldn't be leaving my husband for this person as they have no idea I'm thinking about leaving my dh and possibly wouldn't want to get involved with splitting up a family (who would!). I do dream about a life with this other person but it's literally a dream (fantasy world)- real life is very different.

I don't want to ruin my life, how do I get through this? I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. It's like I want to run away from my life (not end my life, absolutely not suicidal) and start fresh.

I'm having these thoughts daily.

Has anyone gone through this?

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 27/04/2023 16:55

Happened to a few friends. Early/mid 40s. Kids aren’t babies and don’t need us quite as much. Careers are where they are.
All this hope, and striving for something in the 20s; building careers and finding life partners (fathers for children) in the 30s. And now we are there. Now what…
Its daily drudgery of house; child-rearing; H. Wrinkles start appearing.
Why doesn’t it feel blissful and happy….
Then, sometimes Mr Handsome appears on a horizon. Surely the last chance for that fairy tale romance that would being that true lasting high intensity happiness…
Classic midlife crisis.
In my opinion.

A few people I know destroyed their lives chasing that high. Didn’t last.

I think before you do anything - do try ti unpick your feelings and spend some time with a professional - self reflect, figure out what you are actually struggling with and what you want to change/feel/etc.

katmarie · 27/04/2023 17:10

I think the pp has it spot on, I sometimes have that sense of, 'ok, is this it?' And I wonder what I'm supposed to do for the next 40 years. But that generally means I need a new challenge, not that I need to tank my marriage. You sound like you recognise that how you're feeling could cause some major damage so I agree with the pp, time to get some help and explore how you can move forward.

allthebeautifulflowers · 27/04/2023 17:16

Please do read more about perimenopause and ideally see a more knowledgeable doctor. My symptoms upended my life, and how I feel about everything, yet three years in, I still have regular periods. There are some good threads on here with women talking about their experiences.

HeavierThanHeaven · 27/04/2023 18:12

I feel exactly the same! After some really difficult years in my marriage (undiagnosed ADHD in my husband amongst other things), we’re actually ridiculously happy. We laugh loads, he does more with the children, sex life is better than ever etc….and yet, I feel like something is missing. I’m 38 for reference.

I’m in the process of applying for a new job in the hope I get over this weird phase of just wanting to fuck off and do something completely destructive 🤦‍♀️

unsync · 27/04/2023 18:23

Your doctor doesn't seem to know anything about peri menopause. Maybe find someone more knowledgeable.

Darhon · 27/04/2023 18:28

I think we know on a biological level when having kids is done, and not just perimenopausally. Like a lot of women I stopped being heterosexual in my early 40s. So I do think a number of things come together.

SeulementUneFois · 27/04/2023 18:38

Yes, me.

Thankfully things worked out for ExH who is a lovely person - he's found a new partner and they're having a baby (he had wanted children and I didn't).
I had tried various things first - e.g. motorbike.

motherofkevinnotperry · 27/04/2023 18:44

Yes. It's that feeling of needing to feel alive again. Needing an adventure, excitement just anything that removes you from your daily grind.

It's very very common. It's tough going but it's a time to start booking skydiving and fast supercar rides. It's not a time to make life changing decisions just yet.

ThisIsaNiceDress · 27/04/2023 18:47

It’s a scary feeling and very powerful. Thread carefully. Have you considered speaking to a therapist?

Butteralwaysmeltsaway · 27/04/2023 18:55

motherofkevinnotperry · 27/04/2023 18:44

Yes. It's that feeling of needing to feel alive again. Needing an adventure, excitement just anything that removes you from your daily grind.

It's very very common. It's tough going but it's a time to start booking skydiving and fast supercar rides. It's not a time to make life changing decisions just yet.

This! We all go through this at a similar age. I then got heavily involved in charity work. Something I felt passionate about. Gave me the redirection and focus I needed and did much good for others. Saved breaking my significant other's heart and being a selfish bitch.

Meltinthemiddle · 27/04/2023 19:03

I don't feel like leaving my husband because of him, as can't be assed with dating etc. But I do have this silly fantasy of running away to a quiet sea side village and working in small pub or cafe. It's absolutely mad and stupid, but I just want to run away from the stress of every day and live a very simple life. I'm not exactly bored but I am definitely burnt out. I also have had blood test but not confirmation of menopause but have started HRT, not sure if it's helping though. I feel like I'm done with life and I'm tired, even my soul is tired.

TheMarsian · 27/04/2023 19:05

I’d start with finding a new GP. You are supposed to still have periods of your are péri!! If your periods have stopped then you are past menopause….

Apart from that, I agree with PP that it’s often a symptom of looking for a new challenge. Before looking at getting divorced, I’d look at changing what you do first, within your marriage. It might well also mean reorganising who does what and responsibilities within your relationship!

Meltinthemiddle · 27/04/2023 19:06

Speak to another doctor, maybe book a holiday. Life is very stressful and since reaching 40 I just think what's the point, what is there to look forward to. It's almost like I've lived the best years of my life and now I'm on the other counting down to retirement and death!

Favouritefruits · 27/04/2023 19:10

plan and book an amazing holiday, an adventure something to get your teeth into, not just a bog standard beach holiday but a full on adventure. It’ll take your mind of this other guy and refocus your energy and give you a purpose and direction. You sound bored and life’s a bit boring but only you can change that!

Crikeyalmighty · 27/04/2023 19:11

@motherofkevinnotperry unfortunately I think the very same reasons are often why people have affairs- to get away from the 'groundhog day' feeling of normal life. I often disagree with people who say there has to be something wrong with your relationship, I don't think there always is- I think it's that 'some' people want that 'new' feeling and buzz and are susceptible to it- just the same as some people feel the need to move houses every few years without a huge reason.

HaroldTheStallion · 27/04/2023 19:14

I have felt like this and even developed feelings for my boss who I think was flirting with me also - I feel like a walking stereotype! I told DH about it and we talked it through. We've decided to make some exciting changes in our lives together including a house move and taking some adventurous holidays together. My DH is my best friend and I know I'm very lucky to have him. I won't ditch that for a passing fancy. I'm peri and on HRT which has helped greatly with my physical symptoms but not my feelings.

NCgoingdry · 27/04/2023 19:16

MMmomDD · 27/04/2023 16:55

Happened to a few friends. Early/mid 40s. Kids aren’t babies and don’t need us quite as much. Careers are where they are.
All this hope, and striving for something in the 20s; building careers and finding life partners (fathers for children) in the 30s. And now we are there. Now what…
Its daily drudgery of house; child-rearing; H. Wrinkles start appearing.
Why doesn’t it feel blissful and happy….
Then, sometimes Mr Handsome appears on a horizon. Surely the last chance for that fairy tale romance that would being that true lasting high intensity happiness…
Classic midlife crisis.
In my opinion.

A few people I know destroyed their lives chasing that high. Didn’t last.

I think before you do anything - do try ti unpick your feelings and spend some time with a professional - self reflect, figure out what you are actually struggling with and what you want to change/feel/etc.

Nailed it.

User135644 · 27/04/2023 19:21

I don't know why a lot of people bother getting married.

User135644 · 27/04/2023 19:22

Crikeyalmighty · 27/04/2023 19:11

@motherofkevinnotperry unfortunately I think the very same reasons are often why people have affairs- to get away from the 'groundhog day' feeling of normal life. I often disagree with people who say there has to be something wrong with your relationship, I don't think there always is- I think it's that 'some' people want that 'new' feeling and buzz and are susceptible to it- just the same as some people feel the need to move houses every few years without a huge reason.

Don't get married then.

motherofkevinnotperry · 27/04/2023 19:25

Crikeyalmighty · 27/04/2023 19:11

@motherofkevinnotperry unfortunately I think the very same reasons are often why people have affairs- to get away from the 'groundhog day' feeling of normal life. I often disagree with people who say there has to be something wrong with your relationship, I don't think there always is- I think it's that 'some' people want that 'new' feeling and buzz and are susceptible to it- just the same as some people feel the need to move houses every few years without a huge reason.

I agree! I've been inches away from stepping over the line a few times over the last few years. It's because I enjoyed the buzz, the distraction and the attention. It made me feel great inside and increased my confidence BUT! It was toxic for my relationship.

I began to compare my real life with my imaginary possible other life etc. Grass is greener syndrome. It's not greener at all. It just has different brown patches.

Thankfully I recognised what was going on and I'm now reinvesting into me and my marriage. I'm still getting wobbles and it's not perfect but it's definitely looking up.

SleazyLizzard · 27/04/2023 19:27

I wanted to run away and live on an island by myself, I know a number of women who felt similarly. Fortunately I got HRT and stayed because I would have regretted leaving.

I sometimes think it’s natures way of ridding the village of older women .

aParsnipByAnyOtherName · 27/04/2023 19:41

yeah I was there last year and still a little bit now. I work with the one who turned my head and its a fucking nightmare, just when I think I've got all the feeling under wrap, bang little thoughts start back up again. The guy at work I thinks I'm nuts as I really don't know how to be around him from one day to the next.

My husband is my best friend, thoughtful does everything and anything for me, Sex is fine. We are happy, have our in jokes. He is a little boring as in he works a lot, so trying to organise doing stuff gets put back. DC are 20s and late teens now.

We talked a lot last year because I really felt like I wanted to just leave and set up on my own again like I was 20! He was very patient and said he only wanted me to be happy and if that's what would make me happy then okay. it was only this tiny bit of my brain that was pulling hard on the reins shouting stop, but what if this is a fleeting impulse?!

So we put more time into doing stuff together, and I got out and exercised at the gym too.

I also had a great friend constantly in reminding me of what a great life I have right now abd what an amazing husband I have.

now things are fine, apart from the on off random thoughts and attraction to work guy.

I've not read much about peri menopause, but did wonder if this was hormone related.

what are the other things I should look out for?

Crikeyalmighty · 27/04/2023 19:48

@User135644 I think the problem is many people aren't aware that this is how they might well feel after a fair few years- you tend to get married at the point when all seems very tickety boo and weddings, new homes, even babies create a lot of natural adrenalin. Once those things stop happening I think that's when many start needing/wanting 'a new high' - this isn't me by the way- I'm happy with boring /steady at 61 -

Sugargliderwombat · 27/04/2023 20:03

My mum left my dad in her late 40s and has never been happier. I left my OH at 30 because I most definitely had a mid life crisis (they happen younger in women). I've never looked back either.

Mixupmashup · 27/04/2023 20:03

I feel like this something. I usually fill the void by taking on a redecoration project around the house!! I think the peri menopause does have a lot to answer for tbh. So easy to fall prey to feelings / hormones.