Anyone ever left a happy marriage

[LAMLC2011]

Anyone ever left a happy marriage due to a possible mid life crisis?

I think I might be peri-menopausal as I can tick off alot of the symptoms but my Dr says not (as nothing showing in blood test and I still get periods).

My DH is great in every way, an amazing father too but I'm bored. Not just bored of him more bored with life to be honest.

Just turned 40 and kind of feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. I know I definitely shouldn't uproot mine, my dh and my sons whole life because I'm bored but I keep having these feelings.

Not to drip feed there is someone else I have feelings for but I'm not having an affair in any way (physical or emotional). I'm not even sure they have feelings for me although they are a friend.

Realistically I wouldn't be leaving my husband for this person as they have no idea I'm thinking about leaving my dh and possibly wouldn't want to get involved with splitting up a family (who would!). I do dream about a life with this other person but it's literally a dream (fantasy world)- real life is very different.

I don't want to ruin my life, how do I get through this? I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. It's like I want to run away from my life (not end my life, absolutely not suicidal) and start fresh.

I'm having these thoughts daily.

Has anyone gone through this?

I doubt he has a clue anything is wrong to be honest, we're just sort of bumbling along.

Try letting him know that you have recently been telling a man (with whom you had an emotional affair over a decade ago) that he is sexy, and that now you are using social media as a means to still have some form of connection with him that excites you. Be honest with your husband. Stop deliberately deceiving him and then complaining that he doesn't think anything is wrong (when you have been lying to him by omission for the majority of your relationship).

Of course you find your solid, dependable, loyal, reliable husband boring - you are comparing him to a fantasy. You are doing the exact sort of rewriting of your relationship that so many devastated women on here describe their cheating husbands as doing.

He's a good man, he deserves better to be honest.

Tell him, then. Give him back his agency in his own life. Let him decide whether he wants to be married to you.

I know you're right. It's so hard when you're in it though 😔

I wouldn't advise telling your DH about the other man unless you want things to blow up. But you should tell him how you are feeling - which is fine, because it's not really about your crush, he is just a fantasy. Can't you decide to change something in your life / lives? Something small. Start a new hobby or reach out to female friends you haven't seen for a while. Take a trip with your DH. Something you'll enjoy and stop you feeling bored for a few hours.

It does help - I've been feeling bored too but my fantasy crush is only an ex I'll never get back with, plus I'm kind of over it since our last meet up when he said a lot of annoying things (platonic, friends- only meet up I hasten to add, though I think he would have welcomed more).

I've temporarily deactivated my Instagram account so that I can't post things I want him to see. He's not got Facebook now so I can post there.
I still have him on WhatsApp but I don't really put any stories up on there. I'm going to block him on WhatsApp eventually, weaning myself off.

I don't get it, OP. Your whole thread has been massively disingenuous - your title should have been "I can't stop thinking about the man I had an emotional affair with a decade ago". You'd have got very, very different replies if you'd been honest from the beginning (but you knew that).

What do you want from this thread? Because, having seen it pop up every now and then since you originally posted it but not having clicked on it until a few days ago, I was really shocked to read it all the way through in one go from April until now. You spent a fortnight deceiving everyone who posted until you admitted the truth of what was actually going on even to anonymous Mumsnetters. You must be aware that a large proportion of the readers here will have been in the position of your husband in their own relationships too.

You know that if your husband discovered what you've done and posted here ("My wife has spent almost our entire marriage lying to me") he would be advised to leave you and find someone who actually respected him and loved him but you are continuing to deceive him about his own life. Is this whole exercise merely a self-indulgent opportunity to "talk" more about the other man? Because it's very common for cheaters to do that.

I think you need to cop on to the fact that you aren't any different to any other cheater, and you aren't behaving differently to one either. You cheated on your husband, you are lying to him about it and you are doing a classic takedown of him ("he's so dull, he doesn't understand meeeee") as you go to justify your behaviour. So far so clichéd.

Tell him the whole truth. The poor bloke deserves to know. If you stay he should know what his marriage is actually like. If you leave he shouldn't be left wondering what on earth happened. You're not "having a mid-life crisis", whatever that is. You're wallowing in a fantasy that has dominated your marriage. What's happening now is just a continuation of the situation from twelve years ago. All of this is happening because of choices and decisions you have made. Own them. Woman up.

Ok

Ok so I need to work on my marriage obviously. I really want to fancy my husband like I used to (he appears to still fancy me). We had a frank conversation at the beginning of the year where I told him he needs to lose weight (he asked me to be honest, I wasn't rude about it, in fact I was crying because I felt awful saying it) and for a month or two he started losing weight and I felt like I'd start fancying him again, however he gave up after losing a stone (he had another 2 to go) and hasn't bothered since (original stone might be back, not sure).
Obviously it's not the be all and end all of it but I want him to take care in his appearance, I've made an effort to lose weight and worked hard at it - still am (now weigh less than I have in years, size 10 jeans).
How should I approach this with him? I don't want to upset him obviously but if he knew how I'm lusting after another man he'd 100% want to work on himself. I can't tell him I fancy someone else...someone we both know. He is used to my celeb crushes though.
I'm working on my awful flaws now but I need to know how I get him to put in effort as well.

I know I come accross as shallow here but dh was always my dream man looks wise, he's not now but he would be if he'd take care of himself.

How are you getting on @LAMLC2011 ? Thank you for the thread, I'm in a similar position and have found it really helpful.

I still think about my crush most days but its not as all consuming as it was. We are completely nc now (he rejoined fb but unfriended me) and have been for 15wks. I'm getting on better with my husband, I think I'm going to get it through it and feel loads better than earlier in the year.

I'm still getting in my head sometimes but not as much.

I am a similar situation, in that when I turned 40 a crush just came out of nowhere and knocked me for six. I've since gone no contact with this person because I realised that it was too close to an affair and since then I've also realised that he's not the perfect person I imagined. But even though I know this person will not feature in my future, I still want to end my marriage. I don't want to traumatize us and the kids but I just cannot imagine another 20 plus years feeling so unhappy in this relationship. It's a bit different for me because I've been unhappy for so long.
I admire what you're doing to work on your marriage and today it's making me doubt myself so much. I resonate with all you've said about the excitement of them seeing posts on social media etc. It's addictive and you need to go cold turkey if you're really going to know your own mind/feelings about your marriage. I removed the crush on my insta so that he doesn't follow me now and can't see any of my posts. That has helped massively and I think of him much less now. I also focus on the characteristics I've seen which I know in my gut would not be compatible with me. It's a flipping confusing and turbulent time and I'm glad to know I'm not on my own with this. X

I am in a similar situation, in that when I turned 40 a crush just came out of nowhere and knocked me for six. I've since gone no contact with this person because I realised that it was too close to an affair and since then I've also realised that he's not the perfect person I imagined. But even though I know this person will not feature in my future, I still want to end my marriage. I don't want to traumatize us and the kids but I just cannot imagine another 20 plus years feeling so unhappy in this relationship. It's a bit different for me because I've been unhappy for so long.
I admire what you're doing to work on your marriage and today it's making me doubt myself so much. I resonate with all you've said about the excitement of them seeing posts on social media etc. It's addictive and you need to go cold turkey if you're really going to know your own mind/feelings about your marriage. I removed the crush on my insta so that he doesn't follow me now and can't see any of my posts. That has helped massively and I think of him much less now. I also focus on the characteristics I've seen which I know in my gut would not be compatible with me. It's a flipping confusing and turbulent time and I'm glad to know I'm not on my own with this. X

Interesting to read this thread. I’m going through something similar in that am very happily married but, at 44, a huge crush has come out of nowhere. We both know him and see him several times a week socially and out of necessity and, frankly, he’s a really good guy. I respect him and we share the same morals and outlook but it’s the intensity of these unwanted feelings I’m struggling with. If I was single (as is he) I’d make my strong physical attraction known but I have no interest in having anything develop. I don’t think he’s aware but it is a little bit flirty sometimes. I just want it to speed along and hurry back to me thinking he’s a great bloke but nothing more and away from me fantasising about being with him! 😫

Great thread this! I think it's the most difficult period of their lives for many, even more than teenage years.