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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone ever left a happy marriage

314 replies

LAMLC2011 · 27/04/2023 16:44

Anyone ever left a happy marriage due to a possible mid life crisis?

I think I might be peri-menopausal as I can tick off alot of the symptoms but my Dr says not (as nothing showing in blood test and I still get periods).

My DH is great in every way, an amazing father too but I'm bored. Not just bored of him more bored with life to be honest.

Just turned 40 and kind of feel like I'm having a mid life crisis. I know I definitely shouldn't uproot mine, my dh and my sons whole life because I'm bored but I keep having these feelings.

Not to drip feed there is someone else I have feelings for but I'm not having an affair in any way (physical or emotional). I'm not even sure they have feelings for me although they are a friend.

Realistically I wouldn't be leaving my husband for this person as they have no idea I'm thinking about leaving my dh and possibly wouldn't want to get involved with splitting up a family (who would!). I do dream about a life with this other person but it's literally a dream (fantasy world)- real life is very different.

I don't want to ruin my life, how do I get through this? I honestly feel like I'm going crazy. It's like I want to run away from my life (not end my life, absolutely not suicidal) and start fresh.

I'm having these thoughts daily.

Has anyone gone through this?

OP posts:
Meltinthemiddle · 27/04/2023 20:03

Crikeyalmighty · 27/04/2023 19:48

@User135644 I think the problem is many people aren't aware that this is how they might well feel after a fair few years- you tend to get married at the point when all seems very tickety boo and weddings, new homes, even babies create a lot of natural adrenalin. Once those things stop happening I think that's when many start needing/wanting 'a new high' - this isn't me by the way- I'm happy with boring /steady at 61 -

This spot on! Not sure I would be tempted by an affair though personally.

Mixupmashup · 27/04/2023 20:03

*sometimes l!!

Sugargliderwombat · 27/04/2023 20:06

I do wonder if some people on this thread are hanging on to unhappy relationships 🫤 sometimes the grass is greener but it's easier to stay in an unhappy relationship than to have the courage to leave and "start again".

AgnesX · 27/04/2023 20:10

User135644 · 27/04/2023 19:21

I don't know why a lot of people bother getting married.

Actually being married is beside the point. Anyone who's been a long term relationship just doesn't blithely skip out the door with no good reason. The bit of paper doesn't really make much of a difference to the trail of destruction.

brunettemic · 27/04/2023 20:10

I think you probably need to try and speak to a different doctor. Easier said than done I know, with ours you can barely even get an e-consult form.

I also think you need to talk to your DH, he sounds lovely and it would be grossly unfair for this to be dropped on him. How old is DS? Can you start something new with DH, like a project, a hobby, form of exercise? Same goes for doing something for yourself too.

theres also nothing wrong, in my opinion, in thinking someone else is attractive or even flirting with someone a bit as long as that’s all it is.

motherofkevinnotperry · 27/04/2023 20:13

Sugargliderwombat · 27/04/2023 20:06

I do wonder if some people on this thread are hanging on to unhappy relationships 🫤 sometimes the grass is greener but it's easier to stay in an unhappy relationship than to have the courage to leave and "start again".

But if you're married and not unhappy with your marriage you're just sick of your life as it is, miss the buzz of excitement and that feeling of being alive then it's not just the marriage that's the problem.

Walking away from a marriage isn't to be done lightly and while yes many do it because they can't get what they need in their marriage or trust is gone, it's more friendship than relationship etc there are others who just need to find other things to reignite that buzz.

motherofkevinnotperry · 27/04/2023 20:15

I have to add it's a very difficult place to be! Sounds simple but it's really not.

User0610139736 · 27/04/2023 20:17

Sugargliderwombat · 27/04/2023 20:06

I do wonder if some people on this thread are hanging on to unhappy relationships 🫤 sometimes the grass is greener but it's easier to stay in an unhappy relationship than to have the courage to leave and "start again".

This definitely applies to some people too!

I’m early 40s, left 6 months ago and it was 100% the right (not easy though) thing to do.
STBxH was my first serious relationship at 20 and the only person I’d slept with and our marriage was quite crap with a power dynamic seriously off kilter. It’s scary but I know I’ve done the right thing.

wankerseverywhere · 27/04/2023 20:18

MMmomDD · 27/04/2023 16:55

Happened to a few friends. Early/mid 40s. Kids aren’t babies and don’t need us quite as much. Careers are where they are.
All this hope, and striving for something in the 20s; building careers and finding life partners (fathers for children) in the 30s. And now we are there. Now what…
Its daily drudgery of house; child-rearing; H. Wrinkles start appearing.
Why doesn’t it feel blissful and happy….
Then, sometimes Mr Handsome appears on a horizon. Surely the last chance for that fairy tale romance that would being that true lasting high intensity happiness…
Classic midlife crisis.
In my opinion.

A few people I know destroyed their lives chasing that high. Didn’t last.

I think before you do anything - do try ti unpick your feelings and spend some time with a professional - self reflect, figure out what you are actually struggling with and what you want to change/feel/etc.

Perfectly put.

OP, it sounds to be that this is just "is the grass greener?" rather than anything more significant about your marriage. Tread carefully.

TwilightSkies · 27/04/2023 20:20

It depends whether life-long monogamy with one person is a goal of yours or not.

SquirrelSoShiny · 27/04/2023 20:20

I really cheer on the people who have managed to leave inadequate relationships.

You don't sound like one of them OP. Your relationship is happy. Peri is a nightmare. See a different gp.

Sugargliderwombat · 27/04/2023 20:22

User0610139736 · 27/04/2023 20:17

This definitely applies to some people too!

I’m early 40s, left 6 months ago and it was 100% the right (not easy though) thing to do.
STBxH was my first serious relationship at 20 and the only person I’d slept with and our marriage was quite crap with a power dynamic seriously off kilter. It’s scary but I know I’ve done the right thing.

Show quote history

I'm pleased for you 😀

I think without knowing her personally it's hard for anyone to really help the OP, not every relationship ends because of affairs and abuse, sometimes people change, they grow and they realise that this isn't what they want for the rest of their lives, and that's OK too 😊

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 27/04/2023 20:24

Darhon · 27/04/2023 18:28

I think we know on a biological level when having kids is done, and not just perimenopausally. Like a lot of women I stopped being heterosexual in my early 40s. So I do think a number of things come together.

I was going to say the exact same thing. Especially if you married and/or had children young and then you wonder what if? Similar for me who didn’t marry and have children, perimenopause made me ridiculously broody!

I know several friends who’ve left heterosexual relationships in perimenopause but also before and including my nana. Not that my nana ever admitted she was a lesbian but I think she experimented.

Deathbyfluffy · 27/04/2023 20:39

I’d try and ride it out - marriage is meant to be for life and it’s a shame so many seem happy in their marriage yet oddly considering chasing a rainbow.

PlanettoSea · 27/04/2023 20:41

Don't leave a happy marriage OP.

Try counseling or a therapist?

New hobby?

Dibbydoos · 27/04/2023 21:00

I honestly think counselling should be for everyone. We dont put enough into understanding and creating our happiness. Happiness is underrated; we should just be content with our lot.

Well, no we shouldnt just be anything. Im not saying leave your DH etc etc, Im saying find out why you dont feel fulfilled and sort it. That doesn't mean have an affair it means find that happiness in the family you already have. Your great DP and DCs.
Good luck x

PlanettoSea · 27/04/2023 21:03

Dibbydoos · 27/04/2023 21:00

I honestly think counselling should be for everyone. We dont put enough into understanding and creating our happiness. Happiness is underrated; we should just be content with our lot.

Well, no we shouldnt just be anything. Im not saying leave your DH etc etc, Im saying find out why you dont feel fulfilled and sort it. That doesn't mean have an affair it means find that happiness in the family you already have. Your great DP and DCs.
Good luck x

Such good advice x

aParsnipByAnyOtherName · 27/04/2023 21:32

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NoraLuka · 27/04/2023 21:51

I had a similar thread a while ago OP. I literally want to run away even though I don’t have a clue where I want to go. Absolutely not suicidal or anything, I just want to go and live my best life somewhere else!

I have spoken to DP about how I want to leave and I’m sick of having to do everything around the house while he’s at the pub / doing his hobby and he’s making a massive effort which is really getting on my nerves for some reason.

It really does feel like I’m going crazy to be honest.

Wowwhatasunset · 27/04/2023 23:40

Following with interest

123andgo · 28/04/2023 11:28

I would treat it as a crush. It happened to me when I was 37. No kids, had just had a major career change. And it was on a same sex person. Totally new to me. I had a hard time navigating why it happened. It’s interesting what @Darhon said about stopping being heterosexual in her 40s as well.

Original poster
LAMLC2011 · 28/04/2023 11:37

Wow, so many helpful replies thank you so much.
I'm spending my time thinking at the moment, seriously thinking. Logically I do not want to leave my dh, I am a bit sad though that I don't feel excited by him anymore - however we are nearly 20 years in (married 9) and I think that's normal!
I will try to see a different Dr.
Thank you all for your advice. I feel crazy right now but hopefully I'll get through it.

OP posts:
GoodNightsSleep · 28/04/2023 12:11

Maybe go to see Shirley Valentine 💌 (Meant light heartedly)

Original poster
LAMLC2011 · 28/04/2023 12:22

GoodNightsSleep · 28/04/2023 12:11

Maybe go to see Shirley Valentine 💌 (Meant light heartedly)

Seen that loads .. yeah probably resonates right now 😄

OP posts:
Beachbabe1 · 28/04/2023 12:35

Omg!! Yes!! I am approaching 40 and have started feeling unhappy/not content with my life all of a sudden!
My children are growing up so I have time for myself now and I'm like, what do I do!?
I also fantasized over being single, going out partying!! In reality I would never leave my husband, he is amazing and everything I've ever dreamed of!
It must by a mid life crisis thing!
I've been beating myself up about why I feel this way because my life is pretty perfect tbh! I've slowly come to realise that I need to do things I want to do now, get some hobbies, make some friends! I've started reading again which I love! I've joined the app peanut to hopefully make some friends! I have started working out as many mornings as poss. I want to join a gym when I dont need to do school runs anymore. Please dont jump ship and potentially lose everything you've built together. Make some life changes and see how you feel.

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